My husband was diagnosed with ADD a little over three years ago after 11 years of marriage. His diagnosis and treatment came about not because he thought he had any problems but because I finally kicked him out of the house and changed the locks...due to his agressive behavior and verbal abuse, which both my sons witnessed from the time they were born. After my husband was diagnosed by our therapist and put on Adderall, he began to at least try really hard to be a good partner and he is usually a really good father. He is not always aware of the things he says and at night (when his meds wear off) he sometimes says things to the boys or yells at them for no reason or "because he is watching TV"! There are constanct communication problems between us to the point that the boys (who are 10 and 5) get involved and take sides. He also has sleep issues that he will not address. He is not treating all of the issues that surround his ADD. He takes the same medication and dosage that was prescribed three years ago with no adjustments and monitored by a GP...no recent counselling since he moved back in and no other therapy. I have been doing a lot of research and reading on ADD and when I try to talk to him, he acts as if he already knows everything and he's just fine now. He says I am the one who needs to "get over" the last fourteen years of anger and abuse because he has changed and I should give him credit for taking his meds at all. There are days that are wonderful and days (like today) that are horrible. There are times when he apologizes for the past and we discuss the negative impact that these behaviors are having on our children and he seems to really "get it". We discuss parenting techniques....but there is no follow-through! Then there are days when he is still in denial or where he will tell the boys their mother is "crazy" or "psychotic" and tell them he is leaving me. He uses them as a tool to get back at me when he is angry. This morning, he was getting ready for his "vacation" which consists of a week or more, every year, that he takes off to go deer hunting. I should mention that 2/3 of his "vacation" time from work is spent on himself and the boys and I take a lot of mini-vacations separate from him. In the past this is always a problem as he doesn't actually "go" anywhere...he hunts on our property! Which means he is in and out of the house and up at 5am regardless of whether the boys have school or I have work. He usually wakes up the whole house. He comes home at night, only to "go out with the guys" again..leaving the boys crying or upset because he doesn't spend time with them. It is a disaster. This year, we talked about options such as staying with a friend or relative and he agreed...until today. This morning, at 5:30am he started banging around the house "getting ready" for this weekend. When I tried to remind him of our discussion, he turned on me...he had not taken his meds yet. It got pretty bad...with him yelling and calling me names and he even told the boys thier mother was a b***h who was ruining his life. He told them that he was leaving because no one should have to live with someone like me. He told them I was a bad mother and they deserved better. When he left for work...my 10 yr. old told me that we shouldn't be married and asked me if I would divorce "Dad" so we could be happy. My 5 year old said, "yeah daddy is really mean to you mommy and I hate him." My 10 yr. old son said, "I know Dad has mental issues and I wish he would just get better...if you leave him maybe he will." How do I handle this? I dropped the boys off at school and then, finally, cried for an hour.....? During the entire rampage this morning I tried to stay calm...but I admit that at the end I told him to get out and leave me alone (I actually shouted it). This is not who I want to be and this is not what I want my boys to see. They are going to model his behavior because he is their father. I just don't know how to address this or what to do next. How do you MAKE someone care enough to take the next step? And what do I say to my boys?
My 10-yr. old son asked me to leave his father!
Submitted by Jessa on 11/04/2009.
Hi there :) I don't really
Submitted by Lost1972 on
Hi there :)
I don't really have any specific advice for you other than, if you have the time go through the forums here, then there is alot of good advice on how to get your spouse to own up to his responsibility to deal with his ADD.
I feel that the advice given by Melissa here: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/demoralized-too-little-too-late-my-1st-post#comment-4809, is some really good advice and sums up the reponsibility issue for me. But getting the ADD / ADHD spouse to see that can be rather tricky. Just to try to sum up what Melissa says in this entry:
- Without work on symptoms, nothing changes
- He needs to get those symptoms (distraction, lack of motivation, perhaps low self-esteem, angry outbursts etc.) under control. That's his responsibility as a partner in the marriage.
- "Your ADD symptoms of distraction and seeming lack of motivation are ruining our marriage. I understand you have ADHD, but unless you show measurable improvement in changing these symptoms I can't stay with you."
- Even with treatment, people with ADD don't turn into people without ADD. Treating ADD is all about learning how to minimize and/or get around symptoms.
This just really sums up for me the responsibility of ADD / ADHD spouse.
Here is a link to one of my entries in these forums, dealing with the reponsibility of the ADD / ADHD spouse, http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/what-are-odds#comment-4962. There is alot of good discussion under this thread (What are the odds?) dealing with the different realities of the ADD / ADHD and the non - ADD / ADHD spouses and I feel this comment http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/what-are-odds#comment-4926 really does explain it well.
There so much information in this website that could be helpfull on how people have managed to get their spouse to take responsibility.
I would also recommend many of the blogs from Melissa, espcecially: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/add-marriage-non-add-spouses-who-give-too-much and http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/respect-and-personal-boundaries-adhd-relationships.
Basically I think when living with and ADD / ADHD spouse one either has to live with it (which is not an option in my opinion), at some point take the decision and actually leave your spouse or make every effort for the ADD / ADHD spouse to see how his behaviour is effecting you and your family and take the neccessary steps to adress that behaviour (meds, theraphy, lifestyle, etc.). But that is your spouses responsibility and you will see that echoed again and again and again on this website, in the forums and the Melissas blogs.
All the best,
Lost1972
Leave Dad
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
There are lots of issues that ADHD brings up, but I always draw the line at abuse. You don't specifically mention physical abuse recently, though you certainly mention verbal abuse. Threatening to leave you, calling you names, and bullying you (in front of kids and alone) are all forms of abuse.
I don't think that it's normal for kids to say that they think a family should be broken up - I take your sons' comments as an indication of just how bad your situation is. I would suggest that you find local counseling, fast, and figure out how to deal with this. My guess is that it will be to move out until your husband can show that he has his symptoms and inner rage better under control.
A note on this - I suggest the local counselor because your husband seems to be prone to fits of rage and bullying, and he clearly owns at least one gun. It could be an unstable situation, and a local counselor can send you in the direction of a local abuse center if further conversation suggests you or your kids might be in danger.
Also, you need some support. You are in a very difficult emotional situation. Find someone (counselor, friend, family member...not your kids) with whom you can share your grief. And try to make sure your kids have an outlet for their emotional needs, too. They will need help with the anger they are feeling, and the anxiety they feel about your well being and situation. Your situation, and theirs, will be made less harsh with the help of a strong support network.
Thank you for your comments,
Submitted by Jessa on
Thank you for your comments, suggestions, and advice. The really awful thing is that when I read what I wrote it is hard to verbalize to myself the term "abuse". When someone else writes it, it is almost shocking! I am certainly aware that my marriage has been and continues to be abusive - verbally and emotionally. It just is always followed by such a "calm" - sometimes lasting for months! I see such potential in my husband...he does have a wonderful heart and most of the time he functions better than most husbands...he shares in chores such as cooking, cleaning, and laundry! He will be the first to point this out as a way to justify that we should stay married and "work it out", and I will be the first to remind him of all the terrible things we have been through and that it doesn't matter how much laundry you do or how often you scub the toilet if you treat the person you are supposed to love that way. He gets it on one level, but can't seem to make the connection in his mind between what happened in the "past" and our relationship in the present. He thinks I am holding a grudge against him and I should forgive him when he says he's sorry. I have decided that life will be best for all involved if we separate...and probably divorce. My parents live very close to us, so I will have lots of help and support. I know I need counseling in the future but right now I feel it's more important that he see someone and I take care of the boys. He has an appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes in CBT and treatment for ADHD/ADD Adults. If he keeps the appointment, and decides to continue with therapy we'll see...if not, well I don't see any point in continuing to sacrafice my happiness and put my children at risk. I have continued with this because I felt that I could help him. He has come such a long way...unlike a lot of the other posts I have read, he has had the same job for 15 years and he makes a decent living. He is responsible on a lot of levels and like I said (when he is NOT going off the deep end) he is a good father. He just can't seem to contain his anger...which is triggered by not being able to say no, communication problems, procrastinating on projects, time management, and guilt. I think that he may also have symptoms of OCD as he worries if he has any projects (which he puts on a "to do" list) that need to get done to the point he doesn't sleep- and this includes mowing the lawn! I can't help him, I can't fix him, I can't motivate him or make him do anything. He needs to go to therapy for himself...not because he thinks I will stay married to him and not because I tell him to go. It is a sad, sad situation but I just can't continue this...it's time to move forward and let go! He's an adult and I am sure he will find a way....and maybe he'll find some peace and understanding without the pressures of marriage. Thanks again...only time will tell!
Husband to Therapy
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
As your husband explores what else he needs to do, make sure he targets his anger as a key issue that he is trying to address. Some people, when treated properly for their ADHD discover that sudden outbursts of anger disappear. This actually was the case with my husband. And, if he goes off his ADHD meds, they come back. So he should not assume that anger is a "given" but, rather, something to be gotten under control.
Re: Husband to Therapy
Submitted by Jessa on
My husband and I are now in separate bedrooms in the same house. Things are not moving forward, but also not going backwards a whole lot. He feels rejected by me, but I feel that I have breathing room right now and that is what I need. My husband went to his appointment - he spoke to a counselor who deals with anger management, but who knows little about ADD/ADHD....needless to say that went nowhere very quickly and he has not been back. We have decided, I think, that the best thing for all of us would be divorce. I can't really believie that there is no other option, but he doesn't want to "start over" with another counselor and I won't continue our marriage the way that it is now. I have been reading about verbal abuse and anger...and after speaking with my husband and his brother we have discovered that they were witness to a lot of verbal and emotional abuse as children - between their mother and father. There is also alcoholism in their family and even his grandmother admitted to having an abusive marriage in their "younger years" mixed with excessive alcohol. These obstacles in addition to undiagnosed ADD/ADHD make me wonder at the amount my husband has been able to accomplish over the past few years. It doesn't excuse our situation or make it better, but at least I know the "WHY" of it all. Unfortunately, most of what I read indicates that overcoming a childhood of abuse is very difficult. I don't know how that statisitic could improve when you factor in ADD/ADHD. What does this mean for my children? How much should I worry based on the things they have witnessed between my husband and I? And then genetics would indicate that they could not only inherit ADD/ADHD, but also a tendancy towards alcholism! Should I be taking not only my 10 year old but my 5 year old to counseling?