In my 3 years of being married to an ADHD spouse, I must constantly remind myself that I CANNOT compare my husband to other people and wonder why he doesn't match up. Not only is he an individual, but trying to compare him to other non-adhd husbands is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole--won't work. I can push and push and try to get him to change and ask him why he can't be "round" like everyone else, but he is a special person. I'm not saying that there aren't things that he needs to work on...by any means! But I have found myself unfairly comparing him to other people and wondering why he just doesn't "get it". I have to learn to completely change my thinking and realize that he is unique and has his own struggles that make something that might be simple for another person very difficult for him. It's a very hard learning process and I don't always remember to use that mentality. Sometimes I forget that he is in fact different and I get so very angry at his immaturity and what appears on the surface to be laziness, and the constant response from him "I wasn't thinking". If I had a dollar for every time he said that, I probably would be in a much better financial situation right now. He struggles with keeping jobs and makes a lot of impulsive decisions and constantly baffles me with his logic. But I can't expect him to be like me or anyone else for that matter. I can't change him, so I have to learn how to change the way I think if this is ever going to work. I can't see the future and I don't know if we can make it another 3 years or not without divine intervention. But I do know that if I can't stop making comparisons, I will drive myself crazy and constantly be disappointed. Not only that, but I am affecting his self-esteem in making him feel like he's not "normal". I can see that he tries and he wants to do the right thing and make me happy and although those things don't pay the bills, they do mean a lot. I just need to remember when I have to count to 10 with him that he is not my father or brother or friend or any other male figures I know. He is himself and if I love him, it means I must love him as an individual. I hope I can always remember that!
Comparisons are Dangerous
Submitted by julesy80 on 11/09/2009.
It's hard to keep up! I
Submitted by Rattiemama on
It's hard to keep up! I completely agree with you on everything, especially how damaging it is to our spouses when we compare them to others like that. It's just so hard! I too wish I had a dollar for every time I heard, "I wasn't thinking." I've gotten to the point now where I can recognize the thought and remind myself that it isn't fair before I say anything, but it's still a struggle and every now and then I just can't get myself past it. (Usually when it seems so simple and comon knowledge to me that I have trouble understanding it at all.)
Anyway it's a great attitude and I hope you can keep it up. It really does help, but just don't expect yourself to be perfect.
It definitely is a daily struggle
Submitted by julesy80 on
Oh, I know it is very hard! I have to remind myself almost every single day that my husband is not like me, doesn't think like me, (or most people I know) and he is a special & unique person. I'm definitely not set on being perfect, but my goal is just improvement at this point. I am just tired of being so angry all of the time and tired of looking for other's opinions. No one is going to understand him like I do and it is hard enough for me to comprehend him sometimes. I just hope that I can count to 10 before I react sometimes and yell at him or something because he frustrates me. I guess we people without adhd take our common sense thinking and attentiveness for granted. Being born with the brain you have, it is hard to imagine being another way and thinking other ways. But I try to see it from his side and I do know that it's much harder for him to do things that are second nature to me. I just have to choose my battles. There are some things that are really important and that I need to confront him about, but some things are just little things that get on my nerves and I can let them go. Also, I have to choose what I want to take control of and what I don't. My husband cannot handle our finances well, so I really feel like that is something I need/want to do. But some things that I have taken control of in the past because I felt like I HAD to, I have let go of. I mean, I was really allowing myself to become his mother in a way! I realized I was yelling at him all the time and telling him "I'm not your mother!", but in fact, that's exactly what I was becoming. If he was filling out a job application, I would be looking over his shoulder, telling him he should word something differently, etc. And I have actually gone so far as to take job assessments for him because I figured it was just easier for me to do it and he might get it wrong. (I used to write English papers for my younger brother who was ADD---I guess I have always been a mother hen). But I am slowly, painfull teaching myself to let go and letting him depend more on himself. I was proud of myself just yesterday because my husband had another job assessment to take and he asked me if I could do it for him. I almost gave in, but I remembered I am trying to get out of that role and I told him he needs to do it himself. He wasn't angry or anything...I have just taught him to rely too much on me and he got used to it--just like I did. That is my new mission right now though is to let go of the things I can. That is harder for me than you can imagine, but I am giving it my best. If I don't, I will go crazy and always be upset about something. My husband and I went to a counsellor one time and I would like to go back when we have the money. The counsellor said something that sounded kind of harsh and somewhat simplistic at the time...but really it was profound for me. When I told him my sob story about how I have to do EVERYTHING in our relationship, he said "But you CHOOSE to do those things". I argued that I HAVE to because my husband can't do it right. He said "Even if you feel like you have to do those things (and maybe it is better if YOU do handle some of them), it is still a choice you make...no one is making you do them". He said the sooner I realize that I am choosing to do those things, the more freeing it will be for me. You know, he was right. Now that I don't feel like it is asomething that I HAVE to do, I feel much happier. I like to be in control of my life and I think it is helpful for my husband to have some responsibility for things too. He might mess some things up, but, everyone makes mistakes anyway and it is a learning process--for both of us. Like I said I choose my battles now and try to choose which responsibilities are the most important to me...and the rest is history. I don't want to be a constant nag anymore and I want to be able to live some for me too. I kind of got off subject there a little--I think my husband is rubbing off on me some. :-) But those are just some things that are on my mind right now.
You are a wonderful person!
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
I have to commend you for truely understanding your husband! I see many people have read this post, but not many have responded. I don't think many people on these boards can or want to have the forgiveness and understanding that you do. But, you've already noticed the difference it has made in your marriage! My husband and I were together for 10 years before I was diagnosed with ADD at 30 years old. It was 10 years of hurt, frustration, anger that I can never take back. My husband stuck by me through all this because he loved me. But, he knew something wasn't "right" with me. He suspected everything from a drug/alcohol addiction, gambling addiction, and infidelity - anything to explain my behavior. I, of course, couldn't see anything wrong with myself and almost convinced him that he was the one with the problem!
Long story short, I was eventually diagnosed with ADD and suddenly my behavior made sense to my husband. He began to let go of the anger and frustration. He has learned to tell when I'm having an "ADD moment." He has learned to walk away before he gets angry. He's learned to look past those annoying little things I do because he knows they don't really matter. He's learned to be patient with me - pointing out when I've done/said something he knows I didn't mean to. I'm working on letting go of my defensive nature and trusting him when he says I've done/said those things. Learning to apologize for things I don't remember doing. I think my husband is reaching that same place that you are with your husband. Our marriage has become so much better!
Your husband is a lucky man to have you as his wife. I hope you can continue to keep this strength and understanding that you have. I hope your husband makes some progress for you too. I think coming to this conclusion now has saved you years of being miserable! Good luck! I wish you many happy years to come!