I'm so glad to have found this place. I am 31 yrs old, married and have 3 kids, expecting #4. I just found out this year that I have ADD. I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, as I don't have the money to get seen yet, but I know I would be diagnosed with no problem. I had always dismissed ADD as being a childhood condition that only really existed in people's heads. Then I heard a couple women talking about their ADD symptoms and it caused me to start thinking about it. I did lots of research and now I pretty much have an explanation for my entire child and adulthood. I have always wondered what's wrong with me, why I am so different and never fit in. I also have anxiety and I realize now that I have had it since at least my early teens, but I never knew that what I was experiencing was anxiety and panic attacks. It has kept me from doing so many things I have wanted to do. I always wondered why I never paid attention in school, why I was always daydreaming while people, including family and friends, were talking to me, why I felt like I could never do anything right, why I made such stupid and impulsive mistakes and couldn't seem to do what I knew was the "right" thing. When I graduated HS, I joined the Air Force. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn't imagine going to a college interview and the thought of the whole process scared me, but the military seemed easy. People would just be telling me what to do and that appealed to my need for structure. I served for 8 yrs and I did have some troubles that were caused by my ADD, but nothing too bad. I hated the mundane tasks, though. After having kids, I just wanted to be home with them. Finally, we reached the point where I was able to and my husband agreed, so I separated from the AF to stay home with my two kids and homeschool them. This was my dream, all I wanted! Yet, it was nothing like I thought it would be. I became depressed, I had trouble finding motivation to do the things I had been wanting to do, I could not stay organized or maintain any sense of structure, the mundane tasks around the house became unbearable, every little thing felt like climbing Mt. Everest. I felt like a failure and wondered how this could be what I wanted and I'm still not happy (I now know that this was most likely due to leaving the structure of the military and having to try to create my own structure, something that is extremely difficult for people with ADD).
Things got worse when my oldest child struggled with reading and writing. We went through many programs and many tears before we finally found out he has Dyslexia and ADD. My daughter also has Dyslexia and ADHD. I also now have a 2.5 yr old and, while he's too young to be diagnosed, he definitely has ADHD, without a doubt. He also has a speech delay (the first sign of Dyslexia, *sigh*) and is in speech/occupational therapy. To put the icing on the cake, I am 99.9% sure my husband also has ADHD, though he is adamant that he doesn't have it. We have been married for 11 yrs and it has been nothing but a rollercoster. I feel completely overwhelmed, though things are improving, just with the knowledge of what is going on in our family. I finally have answers! Knowledge is power. I even have answers for my parents and their behavior. The kids are diagnosed now and recently started meds for their ADHD and it has made a WORLD of difference. I can't believe the difference I notice on days that they miss their medication. Between the tutuoring for their dyslexia and the meds, things are finally moving forward and looking positive for them. I still feel overwhelmed and that increased when I found out that we're expecting child #4 (I'm 23 weeks now). I was in denial at first and it makes me feel a little guilty. All I could think is, ANOTHER child that's going to come into this mess and inherit all our problems?! But I know things will work out somehow, I am trying to develop some positive thinking habits because I have been feeling so negative lately. I know what we need, but it's just a matter of getting it. I know I need to be officially diagnosed and start meds, I know we need marital counseling, I know my husband needs to be on meds, too, but I just wish I could get through to him about his problems. He always has an excuse for everything. His job is the reason for his forgetfulness and busyness (he's a workaholic), I'm apparently the reason for his depression and insomnia (even though he's had the insomnia as long as we've known each other and has had a history of depression, but he blames it on me because I'm not affectionate enough), there's always an excuse but he doesn't want to get seen and "drugged". Apparently, I'm the one that needs to change and everything will just magically get better. We both get so distracted in our own worlds and we are both horrible at communicating. Anyways, that's all a discussion for a different topic, but I just wanted to give a view of my life. I'm so desperate for help, that I'm saving every little bit of money I can for me (and hopefully my husband) to get counseling. It seems like everything is stacked against me and my family. I'm still having a hard time coming to terms that I have a lifelong condition that can only be managed, but not cured, and now it has been passed on to my kids for them to struggle with all their lives. I can say that I will do my best to make sure they are well informed and knowledgeable, so hopefully they don't have to go through what their father and I have had to go through all our lives. It sucks, it really does. ADHD is a curse that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.
I am looking forward to reading through the forum here and gaining some wisdom on how to cope with all of this.
Hi Lisa84
Submitted by c ur self on
I just read your post...I hope things settle out for you and you can continue to get good information concerning your feelings about your life. It doesn't sound like to long until you will be looking into the face of another little Angel:)...
For many of us who suffer w/ add/adhd or our family members it can be managed, children and adults must learn responsibility and coping mechanisms to keep us on task and responsible to the daily needs of our lives....Your ability to love, stay positive, and be emotionally stable will impact the children hugely in their coming years...
One thing I suggest you not do (was and is very bad for me, and the children) is to allow it (the continual focus) to consume your thinking thus making you even more unproductive, and emotionally unhealthy....(This kind of thinking can infect adults and children and make them grow into emotional cripples)
You have so much on your plate....Try to continue to find coping mechanisms (I sure home schooling 3 children, you've become a Pro at this already) that help you stay on task....And although the mundane things can boring on us all...Try to view them in a new light! One thing that really helps me and those in my family is to not let our worlds get so large that we feel overpowered by them....
There is nothing worse on busy mind than to get our worlds so large it overwhelms us.....All that will do is negatively impact your ability to be the wife and mother you so long to be.....
Blessings.... C ur self...
Well your writing does make
Submitted by adhdkanga on
Well your writing does make you sound like ADHD very much, but you get get a professional diagnosis, and then if diagnosed, start medication.
Beware though in some cases (not all) the stimulants can aggravate co-existing anxiety problems. In such a case you may want to try Strattera.
2 Bits on AD(H)D Meds
Submitted by kellyj on
I agree about ADHD meds....and finding the right one is not always a simple process like adhdkanga is saying. I was just like your H about not wanting to get officially diagnosed and start taking medication. I especially had an immediate aversion to taking stimulants and be on them full time (not liking pills in general or even taking aspirin all that much). This is coming from someone who grew up in the 60's and 70's....enough said;) I tried Strattera first and it completely wigged me out. It did nothing but make me think I was losing my mind? Not a good fit at all!!
I finally gave in and tried Adderall and it was like coming home. A perfect match for me but still.....getting the dosage right took a while...almost a year of acclimating and going from not really doing much to a few days of grinding my teeth and frantic house cleaning until I had it dialed in. After that is was perfect and I haven't changed my dose for over 7 years. It's been a life saver......saying don't put off finding a good professional/ diagnosis or meds that fits you but be prepared for a little trial and error. ( and possibly a cleaner house for a while. lol Might as well ride that wave as long as it lasts.....it's not what you take it for but you will experience some added energy until you acclimate.
Also....be careful if you or your H has an addictive personality. If you drink regularly, your consumption will undoubtedly go up too so this should be watched carefully. The tendency at first, is to weaken the alcohol effect (buzz), which will allow you to drink more over a longer time and feel the alcohol less. This is normal but again, not the desired effect you are looking for. Currently, I drink very little any more (not been a problem for me throughout my life unless you count college.... (but I don't remember much during that time anyway lol) but for the first two weeks on Adderall, I drank like a sailor on shore leave until the novelty wore off....I've heard the horror stories too with careless providers. A good one will not let this happen so this shouldn't be another excuse to put it off. Just one mans experience to use as a reference:)
Another important possible side effect (for a male) to take note of which did happen to me that my prescriber really should mentioned was with sex (mild erectile dysfunction) I was 49 at the time and other men (also younger) have told me that this was not a concern for them. I would predict this would have been the case for me at a younger age as well. Fluctuating blood pressure during this initial stage in acclimating, dosage changes, age, not exercising regularly along with the increase in drinking as I mentioned was the culprit for this as I now understand it. Alcohol of course can do this alone at a certain point of inebriation but as I mentioned....in combination with stimulants the ED effect can also be exacerbated which can trigger a spiraling worry or concern that lasted longer than if I had been forewarned. The effect persisted whether I drank or not which was really where my concerns started to snowball in my mind but after I acclimated....it too dissipated after a short while and everything returned to normal....thankfully! This was even made worse by the fact that when I first took my dose....within the first hour of the drug coming on my sex drive was stimulated (went up)....and yet my required body part appeared to (go down) in an extremely frustrating inverse relationship !! Again this is just my own account and a combination of many things to bear in mind since this did happen to me as I said.
At this time, I see very few negatives to Adderall and really don't even notice that I'm on it until I stop taking it. Aside from having to watch how late in the day I take and staying up too late....this is really the only thing I have to be careful of any more.
Everything I mentioned were all during the initial year of acclimating as an example of the process of getting things dialed in for me as a possible reference but as I have come to learn....everyone has their own combination of side effects to report so I wouldn't make any predictions based solely on my experience.
J
Co-Dependent Relationships With ADHD
Submitted by kellyj on
This is a current problem in my relationship with my wife....actually IS the problem I have been facing with her if you stand back from it. It's easier to see it in other people even when you can't in your own relationship if you've been in co-dependent relationships all your life starting with your own family. .I became part of an existing one already and not knowing it at the time makes it almost impossible to know what a healthy interdependent relationship is like until you become a dependent free and an independent person yourself. This has been the journey I have been on for years in getting to this place which is where most if not all of the issues with my wife are stemming from.
The fine line between being reasonable and compromising in a healthy give and take relationship can gets blurred very quickly coming from being this way and then not.... having to exert your authority in ways that require you to do it and still not being comfortable with it especially with some one who you are with who slowly begins to make you more responsible for them than you are for yourself and taking care of your own needs at the same time will make you even more vulnerable to becoming this way if you haven't had to apply what you've learned with the person who your are with is dependent. A co-dependent relationship....or a person who is dependent, needs someone else to take responsibility for things that should not be yours in the first place and cannot see this coming from their side in their minds eye. (their own dependence in the from of denial) If being dependent on others in this way has become a lifelong pattern stemming from your childhood...it will become your MO (modus operandi) in any relationship you are in.
A reasonable person in a healthy relationship should not have this kind of pushing and shoving and pulling back and forth to establish simple rules and boundaries that the two of you can arrive at without an issue. This might give you a first clue to see if this is the situation you are in right now. Being in denial about your ADHD and taking responsibility in the way that you have already is great and I can tell you that is the first step for yourself....But the relational denial and being in a co-dependent relationship will require you to not be dependent yourself if your H has his own dependency issues. Blaming you for things as you mentioned is a red flag to start with. It's really easy for a person with ADHD to become dependent in this way from others telling you or blaming you for things that you already know are true from having ADHD ( the first denial ) the second one comes when you are in the relationship itself and not being able to see you side or part of being in a co-dependent relationship with another person.
The last thing you said It sucks, it really does. ADHD is a curse that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Does having ADHD really suck? Is it all that bad to have all things considered? In my mind what sucks is wanting or needing to be in a relationship in all healthy ways like anyone else and the real problem only comes once your in one with another person: work, family , friends, parent or intimate relationship. But really if you think about....ADHD itself is not all that painful or much of a curse at all. In the sense of living alone with no need for anyone else .....if you think about it.....is not much of an issue if you only have yourself to take care of. It really only becomes and issue when you are required to start taking care of someone else.
Children are dependent.....adults by the time you are past a certain point...should be able to take care of themselves emotionally and logistically and should not be in much need for support by themselves. If you can't get to this place before you have children then this will definitely be a problem once you do. And like in my situation now with my wife for example.....she is logistically speaking, an adult and a responsible independent person and with that comes the expectation that they would also be emotionally speaking (internally) the same. If something is preventing this from happening or they believe they need another person in this way too...they will make you responsible for that and blame you in all the way that you do not do this for them. This will show up as being insecure and manipulative very much like a child in many ways. In my situation now....I'm having to take on the role of parent to my wife emotionally and setting boundaries in was that most would say "should not be" if she was less insecure and emotionally independent. I've had to adjust quite a bit to her in finding this out but now it will be a matter of directing and showing her better ways to get her needs met in a positive way but establishing firm rules and boundaries that she will be required to respect....my boundaries.
My best advise to your is to get into therapy with your H because knowing how difficult this is for me right now with years of doing this for myself....and trying to keep it this way at the same time you are with someone who is pushing and pulling you (trying) to get you into a co-dependent relationship with them out of their own need and dependence requires outside help and is not something to take on by yourself. Even with that there is no guarantee with that the other person will respond and that's exactly where I'm at right now to see if my wife will take ownership and responsibility of her self in ways that I cannot do this for her.
J
PS...the "boiling Frog" principal is a good one to start with to see how your relationship has progressed into becoming a co-dependent one. I have notice this as a repeating pattern in my own over the years at different times of my life.
J...invaluable summary
Submitted by Zapp10 on
J
Surfing the forums for a bit and came across this post made a year ago from you.
It spoke volumes to me as my journey of self discovery(good,bad, ugly) continues.
Discovering, a few months back, the co dependency on my part was HUGE. Opened my eyes, not just in my marriage to H, BUT my experience with life.(who says an old dog can't learn new tricks?) This knowledge and applying it to myself has certainly helped me, which in turn, helped my H (whether he saw it or not).
And alongside all this, one of the things you said( I can't copy/paste) was about ADD not being so much a problem if you "only have yourself to take care of. It becomes an issue when you are required to take care of someone else". I don't know about anyone else but this statement (in obvious truth) so simply and clearly sums up a WHOLE LOT.
In recent days as H and I continue on the road to nowhere I have come to see that my "journey of seeing me,warts and all" has lead me to a better me for me and those around me. Oh sure, I stumble and even crawl sometimes but my OWN desire and awareness gets me back on track far faster and I LIKE THAT. It is a DAILY journey which does get easier and some things that were mountains are only hill tops now. WHEW! YES! What I realize from reading this post today was my H simply cannot concieve that "putting into practice" ways to "deal" with the ADD on a daily basis, is just NOT something he believes needs to be done. And while HE chooses not to "see"......he chooses that I have to live with it.....uh...no.
There are 2 areas for me with the ADD. One area( doing things,dates, time, to do lists, what floats his boat, etc)his mode of doing is so easy for me to adjust my thinking to.The other area of communication, reciprocation, expectation, could we just have FUN!!??) are obviously the way more difficult entities and will require sustained effort and this is beyond his desire to WANT to do.( Yes, he has ADD, he KNOWS he has ADD BUT it isn't THAT bad.) Because these are things that determine the quality of relationship they are a BIG DEAL and I will no longer consider that I stay in a marriage.....pretending it's a marriage. When he says he doesn't believe it's necessary for him to do this then I am going to believe that means .......no marriage......EVEN tho H says he DOES want to stay married.......uh, excuse me if I don't understand.... !?
I am not going to try to make sense out of nonsense any longer. I am still moving forward....with goals......I AM flexible...goals can change.....but for the first time in way too long....I have goals/ dreams......I kind of have a sense of "welcome back". Marriage is NOT meant to steal your dreams...thoughts...wishes.....views.....ideas.....health.....Marriage is celebrating/ navigating a relationship of 2 divinely made unique individuals. The end of a marriage is not the end of life......and yes I believe in Jesus and yes marriage is God given and yes I do NOT believe divorce sends you straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect your $200.00. :-)
I am back to the "Serenity Prayer" and "do the right thing"
Zapp.... Some Hard Earned Lessons From This
Submitted by kellyj on
Old dogs can learn new tricks....it just takes longer and is more difficult than learning them when you are young.
The only thing you can count on for sure is...Death, Taxes and things changing. If you can't change and adapt.....you are in a heap of trouble.
Staying married only because you made a promise....or you believe you'll pay later...is not a good reason to live in misery. You'll pay alright....right up until the day you die. Who knows what will happen really....after that? I stayed in a dead marriage because I made a promise and I vowed to keep it. What I got from that was many wasted years of heart ache and the ability to say I honored my promise since my ex wife was the one who finally said it's time to call it quits. It was the right decision for her....because her heart was not in it even if mine was. It takes two in this case.....both people have to agree on that much or your just staying in Hell for no better reason.
To do it over again....I would have quit when I felt I should but that promise kept getting in my way. Why I felt I should was it appeared obvious to me that my ex wife was no longer in the marriage anymore. That's just denial no matter how you look at it. Your life is worth more than that promise....take my word for it.
The boiling frog in reverse. When I wrote this....I was not sure what my wife was going to do? What I found is....the boiling frog works in reverse. That takes time , patience and effort to "unboil". I think longer than it took to get there.
Being how I am (stubborn, willfully and sometimes unbending in my own way)....there is flip side to every coin and I took a more hand on approach than just praying. I'm not suggesting any one do anything they are not comfortable with or is not in their nature to do. For me....I took those negatives and used them for a positive goal and as I now see this.....my wife has responded and that's all I ever asked for. A person has to be willing and in our case....we're both kind of stubborn, will full and sometimes unbending but....we both want the same thing at the end of the day. That's worth waiting for in my book and I see the changes happening on a daily basis. I can't really ask for more than that and I can take that to the bank and be happy with it.
Two stubborn people together who want the same thing...is different than one person wanting to be in a relationship and the other one just not in the game at all.
J