Submitted by Dagmar on 06/03/2015.
Hello! I've lurked on this site for a while, but never posted before. My husband has adhd and of course it's an issue, but since we've had kids I can't ignore the "little things" anymore but he is acting like I'm just nagging him for no reason and that he's a victim to my hangups.
We have kids now. Time is a huge issue and I need breaks. If we go anwhere or do annything I have to nag him the entire day before we are out the door or we won't make it. We have two toddlers. It takes 15 minutes to put on their shoes. He was always late, but now we end up missing events altogether.
He has become sneaky and possessive of his free time. If I want to go out or just need a break, I have to fight him for it. He will tell me he is going to the store for a minute and be gone for hours. It hurts my feelings and stresses me out because I may be looking forwaed to a break from the kids and he's just gone. But if I say anything he acts like I'm needlessly nagging him and says I'm accusing him of lying to me.
How do I get him to do what I need without him thinking I'm just picking on him?
If I yell a lot and maybe kick him out, he will work with me for a while, but i dont want to live like that.
If I try to talk to him about correcting a behavior, he insists he only did it once. So I mention it every time he does it and I'm a nag.
I tried focusing on the good things he does and praising him more. That totally backfired. He decided he was doing a great job and became worse than before. When I said something about it, he flipped out and said he had been doing so much better and I have been telling him as much so he knew I was just picking a fight with him for no reason.
Let me know if you figure this one out....
Submitted by c ur self on
I suggest you get a wall calendar with those large squares for each day...Put it some where out of the way...Like a laundry room or something....Document each day the amount of time he is out, or has made personal plans....Track it for a month....Put your personal time also....Then take it off the wall and set down and show him what you are talking about in writing...If he is right about you,...There shouldn't be much to show him...If you're right you will have several documented times to prove your point....If he's in denial and know's it anyway...You'll just piss him off....And he probably will get mad and continue to do it.....Who know's maybe he don't remember;)
It's not possible for my wife and I to do daily chores or travel to functions with a start time together, Sometimes we can if I stay on her.LOL...
She is most always late and she will spend twice or three times as much time as it takes me to do the grocery shopping etc...
Don't be miserable expecting him or trying to force him to be attentive to this issue....Accept what you see from him...Then do what you have to do...Life is not meant to be lived all stressed out!
The best thing I've found for my sanity and to be a mirror for them concerning irresponsibility is to ignore them, live life like they don't exist....because they don't where it matters!...He know's his responsibilities....If you quit nagging and he don't know where you and the babies are half the time....If he has an ounce of care in him it will get his attention, His comfort zone is your nagging....When he realizes you aren't verbally trying to get him to help any more it will get his attention...You will be less stressed out from not beating a dead horse also....
....
Blessings C
I tried that
Submitted by Dagmar on
thank you for the advice, though
Submitted by Dagmar on
I know one thing....
Submitted by c ur self on
A husband and wife is suppose to show up for each other. Number 1 priority on this earth...A person doesn't have to leave you to abandon you....And we all have lives;)...No way a spouse should have their thoughts consumed with dread and fear by the lack of love and responsibility from their spouse.
So many of us on this forum who stay in our marriages have trouble not becoming enabler's because our mates are professional's at making us feel guilty for not letting them use us up!....It's taken seven years, but, I'm finally learning I was my own worst enemy and our marriage's worst enemy until I could find the key to managing my life as a husband to my wife....
Update
Submitted by Dagmar on
However, a few weeks ago, in the middle of all this, he asked me why I'm still with him if he's so awful to me, and I told him the truth - that we have two small children and I have no other option. He has been nicer ever since, at least.
I've also found things have
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
I've also found things have worsened with my husband since we had kids. With one things got difficult, and with two now, things are very strained. I am lucky in that my parents live relatively near us, and I bring the kids over there (about one day each weekend) to get some relief (even if it is just having others hang out with me with the kids or help me take them to a park, a museum, etc.). I also went back to work after staying home with each child for a year - being a stay at home mom was the worst for us, because of what you're describing - having absolutely no time to myself. Even though I am at work, it sometimes feels like a break because I have more control over my time. If it weren't for my parents and for going back to work, I am sure we would have split up by now. My husband can spend about 20 minutes with the kids before he just can't handle it. Is there anyone else who can offer you some help with the kids and/or a break - a relative, a neighbour, a babysitter? Even if you do eventually split up, you near someone reliable who can help you now.
Find a friend that you can share babysitting....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Both moms here should try to find friends that they can share babysitting. When my kids were young, my friend and I devoted Tues and Thurs to shared babysitting. On Tuesdays, I would watch her daughter and on Thursdays, she would watch my son. This gave each of us a whole day to do chores, go shopping, get a haircut, etc...without a child in tow.
It also made it easier to watch our own kid when there was a visiting friend to play with. :)