Everyone was so helpful here last time I asked a question so I thought I would post again. What is your experience with either the way you, or your partner who has ADHD deals with difficult subjects, or handles arguments?
I have noticed that when we start arguing, my partner completely shuts down. I don't often see it coming though I am beginning to notice the warning signs. It doesn't seem to matter what the argument is about or who starts it, once it becomes highly emotive (if I get upset, or raise my voice, for example, or if it is something he hasn't considered before), he just goes silent. I ask him if he is planning on talking, or if he has a response, and he usually says "I don't know." So we sit in silence while I try and give him some time, however if the thing we are discussing is important to me, I tend to push for a reply. Especially if the argument started because of something he said.
it tends to escalate from there, with me increasingly getting upset and asking for a response, and him getting frustrated and unable to talk. It usually cumulates to the point where I feel he literally doesn't care and I ask if he wants me to leave/if there's any point in continuing etc. or he will walk out of the room and start doing something physical, like cleaning, saying he can't deal with it.
As soon as I have calmed down, I try and talk to him calmly and he usually repeats that he can't deal with it. It tends to be at this point that I realise his ADHD related issues have kicked in. I tend to reach out to him physically, which stops him, and we usually embrace. He then gets upset and says how useless he is, and apologises a lot for how he can't effectively deal with the situation once it reaches that point. We then make up but tend not to revisit the source of the argument until a later date.
Im just wondering if anyone else experiences this or had any advice? I am slowly learning to recognise his signs and sometimes I can derail it. But it's incredibly frustrating if the argument is caused by something he has said that upsets me (sometimes he doesn't even know why he has said something) because it feels as if I am having to set aside my upset to make allowances for his inability to deal with the situation once I become emotional. How do I handle that? I know I need to, because this isn't his fault, and I want to be as understanding as possible, but at the same time, both him and I believe he needs to try and learn how to deal with his side of things too. Help!
I think ADHD and anxiety go
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I think ADHD and anxiety go hand in hand. Therefore, in cases like your H, when he's faced with an argument, it's either "fight or flight" and he opts for flight. Other ADHD people opt for fight....I really mean FIGHT (rage, irrational arguments, etc).
So, YOU have to learn not to argue since your H can't handle that. At least that is easier to deal with then those who are dealing with ADHD people who FIGHT about every minor thing...even when NO ONE else is fighting them!!
The moment you raise your voice, your H's anxiety level goes from Zero to Sixty, so he shuts down. So, if you want to discuss something, don't raise your voice. Just calmly stick to the facts using "I statements." Don't be accusatory.
Too calm to be stimulating?
Submitted by mollys on
My H also suffers the ADHD/anxiety one-two punch, and this is a common issue in our home. What concerns me the most is that usually, it doesn't matter how I approach the unpleasant topic. In cases where I don't fly off the handle (I'm getting better at controlling this), we go one of two ways: I'm so calm that he doesn't realize my concern is great enough for him to respond to, or he shuts down under the pressure regardless of my attitude.
H has specifically requested that I be "upset but calm," which is something I've been putting a lot of effort in on, especially after reading Melissa's book. I'm trying to eliminate anger and volume as ways to get his attention, but I've yet to find a healthy and effective replacement. The white board calendar on our fridge is just too small to keep track of all the forgotten topics. Written lists get lost. We've tried a shared Google Keep list of priority items with a daily alarm, but the alarm is too routine and now gets ignored. He then set up a counter app on the home page of his phone, to keep track of how many times he'd read the document. The counter has stayed the same for over two weeks, even after we had a calm discussion about it. We've tried weekly "meetings" to contain the negativity, but we both agreed that one a week wasn't enough. After that, we tried every other day meetings, but that was too much pressure.
I'm still trying, but I feel pretty defeated today. It appears that the only times I'm stimulating enough to engage is when I'm being forthright about my anger, but then I'm overwhelming. Calm wife doesn't seem very stimulating to him.