Submitted by Petunia on 08/03/2015.
My boyfriend of 1 yr (we're in our 40s) wants to keep searching just in case he finds a woman who might give him instant "in love" feelings. He says he wants to make sure he doesn't make a mistake by not continuing to look in case our relationship isn't the one. We have a great relationship otherwise...good communication, deep talks, romance, loving eye contact, great physical intimacy, honesty, and a lot in common. He says he loves me and wants us to be together but still wants to keep looking "just in case"
Is this part of his mental illness or do I need to walk away with my self-respect?
I should add that this is his first relationship other than a long-distance relationship a few years back, and he lives with a lot of fears.
Nellie
This is obnoxious!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Well, this isn't ADHD. Maybe it's narcissism. You need to walk away and give him complete freedom to look around.
I can tell you this...YOU certainly can find someone better. you can find 100 men who are better..
I Give It One More Year
Submitted by kellyj on
Wait until that "instant in love" feeling wears off with you......he's already saying this in different words....."I want to keep searching" Give me a break! And this guy is in his 40's and he still hasn't figured out that the "in love" feeling is a temporary thing? He will be searching for the rest of his life to try and find ANYONE who can sustain that indefinitely. Is his name Zsa Zsa by any chance? Sorry for the remark but as much as that sounds disrespectful to him.....his comment to you is worse and very demeaning on top of it. If you are feeling insecure.....you have a good reason for it but it's not because you are the one wih the problem.....if that's what you are feeling your feelings are right on the money. I wouldn't put up with that for a split second if someone I was in a serious relationship said that to me. The next words out of my mouth would most likely be "good bye."
J
I should add....
Submitted by Petunia on
....This is the first relationship he's had other than a long-distance one a few years ago, and he lives with a lot of fears. I haven't bothered to "date" anyone for years because I haven't been drawn to anyone else until I met him and we've been experiencing wonderful moments since then.
Hi Petunia
Submitted by kellyj on
On second thought....since you reiterated ( and are emphasizing ) the fact that this is the first relationship he's had other than the long distance one a few years ago. I do find this unusual in itself. You mentioned a lot of fears too? Backing off a bit from what I said (and OW's comment ).....I think from the perspective of someone his age...it is easy to jump to these conclusions based on what most people could surmise from what little we know about him (and or you?). And even though I do find this unusual for a man his age (having his first relationship now at this point in his life)....fear and insecurity is the very thing that can cause a lot of problems in relationships. If I think back to my very first long term relationship...( one I had in while I was in college).....it was wrought with awkwardness, fear and insecurity and all kind of problems and embarrassing moments that are hard to look back on now as I think about it. I made lots of mistakes and errors in judgment and did things out of fear and insecurity and I still use these lessons today to remember certain things either I should or shouldn't do now compare to then. We all learn from our mistakes! lol (or at least most of us do....hopefully?)
The problem is as I see it however.....these fears that he lives with are ones you are going to have to live with too....or at least the fallout from them. Inexperience or lack of it might be one way to look at it (like my first real relationship when I was only 19 or 20 years old).....and all the insecurity and fear that existed at that time in my life and simply not feeling very secure with myself and being in a relationship that was more than just dating back in high school for brief periods of time.
But now add 20 years or more onto that and it makes me wonder......don't you find that a little unusual for a person his age not to have ever had a real relationship until now? It sounds like there is more to this story if you ask me? I'd be wanting to understand this better before I get too much farther with him if you can understand what I am saying?
J
Thanks for your reply, J, I
Submitted by Petunia on
Thanks for your reply, J, I appreciate that. Actually, I have a feeling he might also be on the autism spectrum. He has a brilliant mind and is wonderful with people, always comes across as very polite and kind and compassionate, yet has very little self-confidence and lives with social anxiety to the degree that it's kept him from exploring jobs that interest him, relationships, etc. He agrees with the adhd because he experiences forgetfulness, disorganization, etc.
Is It Possible
Submitted by kellyj on
That he might be both? If he is just really socially uncomfortable (shy) or awkward and is just insecure in that way....he might not just be ADD. I'm saying ADD since he sounds more like that than the hyperactive type which appears to be more introspective and introverted I think. If he is really introverted and kind and compassionate as you say...it could be related? Thinking about your original concern about walking away with your self esteem....outside of his comment about still looking or wanting to find someone who "gives him that in love feeling"...it doesn't sound like you have any other major concerns that are causing you to feel this way? That does sound rather naive or immature in looking at love that way for his age but....if he is autistic and on the spectrum in that way..... having this idealistic view of relationships and love could be a symptom of that. I don't know enough about autism or aspergers to give you much help. I do know they share some of the same symptoms so it could be a possibility?