As I surf over the posts on this forum it revels many common themes concerning our marriages, our spouses and us...I just want to address one that seems common to us all....And it's our feelings about the blind spots (emotional abandonment) our spouses have concerning us...It seems based on your comments and rants, along with my life experience's this is very common among us....
So, lets look at a few things we all can agree on as the problems...Based on the information in these forums and again in my experiences, lets try to ask some questions that can help us....
1) We must start with a few questions: Is my spouse capable of doing any different, or maybe a better way to say this is; has my spouse demonstrated the ability see life as I do? Does my spouse show feelings of remorse when I share my heart and needs, but revert right back to a mind that shows it's obvious he/she is incapable or unwilling to change their view of life for an extended period? Based on the years we've shared life with them, we can answer this honestly if we choose to...
2) Next question is am I willing to continue in this marriage? If, yes, then am I willing to continue ranting, talking to myself, counting myself as a victim at their mercy. All because the person I married isn't capable or is unwilling of meeting my needs and fulfilling their promise to do so?
3) Or can I accept this isn't ever going to change, it's just who they are and accept them as such?
4) Next Question: Am I capable of completely turning inward for my own peace, my own accountability regardless of the circumstances around me...Can I escape my (my mindset) desire to force my will for a beautiful marriage of sharing and responsibility? Am I capable of acceptance of life that I would not choose for myself, but seems to have found me? Can I daily live this life I wouldn't choose and not count myself as a victim? Am I capable of a peaceful existence with a heart of thankfulness for each new day, I'm afforded? Can I count my blessings, or am I doomed to a mind that will always find a way cry out it's your fault?
5) I choose the more excellent way:) How about you?
Thanks, c
Submitted by Bou (not verified) on
I appreciate your post. I agree that peace must be sought within.
Choosing to Be Excellent
Submitted by kellyj on
6) Choosing to be excellent means taking action whether it be physically or mentally and being better tomorrow than you are today......one day at a time.
I like your list C.....I choose to be excellent like you.....I just added # 6 as the way I am going about doing it. On a certain level....this is all you can do but this is how I measure it. I can't undo all the sins of my past over night because they did not happen that way either. They happened one day at a time too.
To each his own but this is my way of approaching it because in reality and what is possible I think this is not only reasonable but it is an attainable goal. The nice thing about breaking it down like this is that it won't stop unless you do. One day at a time is a lot easier to focus on that the next 20 years of your life. I think if you focus on the here and the now and focus on today.....in twenty years you will look back and see just how far you've come and you won't disappointed when you get there. Some of us are getting close to only having 20-30 or so good years left so it might be a good time to think about these last years instead of worrying about the 50 or so that you can do nothing about.
Doing your best in everything you do (1).... is one of "The Four Agreements" (Don Miguel Ruiz). The other 3 are: Don't Make Assumptions...... Don't Take Anything Personally.......Be Impeccable With Your Word I try and think about these 4 agreements every day and follow them as closely as I can on a daily basis. The better I get at doing them.....the closer to being excellent I get.
You can't change the past or predict the future but......you can be excellent today. That is possible everyday if you use this as a way to look back and see how you did and learn from your mistakes. One day at a time.....the day you live in right now today. If I see myself improving and I knew it was the best I could do (honestly) and I followed the other 3 and didn't fall short there either......I think that is about as good as anyone could expect or ask from another person if they are following the same standards of measure to go by. The nice thing about these 4 agreements is that to be honest about doing your best....you have to be impeccable with your word. And to not take things personally.....you can't make assumptions. See how that works? Beauty in simplicity and easy to remember in the moment. It's only 4 things to think about and follow and you don't have to second guess or doubt that it won't work if you do.
I think if anyone could do just these 4 things every day without fail....that would qualify as being excellent in my mind? For someone with ADHD like me.....I need to keep things simple and not too complicated. KISS.....keep it simple stupid. lol What do you think?
J
I think you are wise....
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes J #6 is reality...Because I am human ( carnal mind) I can't forget #6....There will always be those moments that my attempts for excellence will end me up in life's ditch:( So in those moments I must re-gain clarity of just what produces this more excellent way anyway! (spiritual mind). Yes my friend all we are allotted is one day at a time...Because the heavenly Father new that alone was way more than we could ever handle without him interjecting and speaking peace be still to us:)
C
thanks!
Submitted by SunshineSC on
Thanks for posting this! I needed it today.