I am new to this so please be patient as I bungle my way through this question...... my husband and I have struggled for years. Two months ago, he began using porn, registered for an extra marital affairs website and began taking a female co-worker out for a number of dinners. He says there was never a physical affair and that he stopped just short of that. We separated two months ago and he was recently diagnosed with ADHD (after 50+ years).
We have been talking a great deal and both of us are seeing our own therapists.
He wants to work things out and is actively 'courting' me. He sent flowers four times in 6 weeks, sent cookies to my son while we were on a mother/son trip. He hired someone to take care of the yard and spent a weekend at the house fixing things while I was out of town (he has not been a partner in the house maintenance chores for years).
I want to try and recommit, but I am concerned all of this showering of attention is hyperfocus courting like when we first met. I read that this form of courting with ADHD partners is due to a rush of adrenaline and endorphins. My question is......can someone experience hyperfocus courting even after they are married? Is he experiencing a chemical rush right now....or is he sincerely trying to show his affection with gifts, acts of service and attend time? Will the proverbial pendulum swing back the other way just as it did shortly after we were married?
Since you are separated, he is courting you again....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Right now, you aren't "married," in the true sense. You're separated. He is hoovering you back. Yes it will end once he has you back. Yes, he will go back to his "old ways" shortly after you get back together.
I have been thru this a hundred times. The term "courting" is throwing you since you are married, but you have to realize that right now, he doesn't "have" you. He wants you back and therefore the hyperfocus. That is his motivation. It will exist for a short time after you get back together, but then it will disappear and you'll be faced with the "real him".
hyperfocus courting after marriage
Submitted by Kit on
Living apart has been the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Living apart has been the nail in the coffin of my marriage. My husband never calls (it has been eight weeks since he called), and when I was emailing him, he almost never responded to emails. He will answer the phone if I call, but his lack of communication has made clear to me my priority in his life (very low priority).
The expense will be huge....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
It's a lot more than rent. There's rent, utilities, cable, internet, etc. Can you afford that?
Why do you think that he'll leave his hobbies behind? I think he'll just bring something or find something else to bring.
We are going to try it.
Submitted by tiredwife on
We are going to try it. However, we call it "getting a vacation home". After 30+ years of marriage and 23 years of those living a military life, I will say this.,Our marriage survived because of the "hyper focus" while he was in the military. When he was home all his attention was focused on me and our children. And once those days were over, I lived with 14 additional years of pure chaos! I can say so much more,but I'm trying to stay in the present and remain positive.... Finally, I have begin to find peace in my life and my marriage. I am by no means religious, although spiritual I pray, meditate, and gave it all to god.
I think this is a great idea...one that we might try.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
H is getting more and more difficult to live with. He expects me to focus on him and his needs 24/7 and becomes very upset when I have any interests or even my business that takes my attention.
I think I'm going to try to find some small vacation home to buy and have H move there....or at least have him head there when he's being very difficult.