My wife and I have been together for about two and a half years. We werent together for very long before we got married, as she had a three year old daughter and I wanted to quickly become her father. Many times she has told me she has ADD and has been on medication for it for many years. I never truly understood what the effect of the ADD was on our marriage.
We have had many problems in our short marriage and until recently we have been able to get past them, but for the past few months she has had frequent mood swings and many times has become angry for what I see as nothing, and is constantly walking a string of wanting to stay in the marriage and wanting to get away. I don't know what I can do. I am in therapy myself, as is she, and we are in couples counseling. All these things are helpful to an extent, but things seem to be getting worse.
I dread her coming home at night, I am stressed every minute of the day because I never know how she will be feeling at any given time and what her feelings will lead her to do. One day she will be so incredibly disconnected and not want to talk, the next she might want a lot of comfort and contact, the next day she could be angry at me for something I did, or it could be nothing. And it changes. Its impossible for me to comfortably give her the comfort, contact and intimacy that we both need because I am constantly on edge.
We did finally have a talk last night and she told me that many times when she is angry or sad or whatever the extreme emotion is, she is not that emotion AT me, but at something else and it just comes out at me. It is impossible for us to relate to each other as all she sees are her feelings and what she perceives and as hard as I try to be patient and understanding and get some grip on what is going on with her, it seems to change so much that its impossible. She freely admits to having ADD and it being fairly serious, but doesn't seem to feel that she is to blame for any of the effect that has on the marriage. What do I do? How can I cope with this? It has been recommended that I give some distance, but knowing that she is walking this line of wanting to leave, or disconnecting, that makes me incredibly nervous. Has anyone else experienced these kind of swings and extreme emotions? Could it be the medications? Thanks.
My girlfriend and I have had
Submitted by LaTuFu on
My girlfriend and I have had similar struggles recently. For a variety of reasons that are irrelevant to this discussion, I've struggled with mood swings a lot. I felt the same way your wife did when I would attempt to explain away the behavior "I'm not mad at YOU, etc."
The other side of the coin for those of us with ADD, we have a hard time remembering, at crucial moments, that YOUR feelings are just as important as ours. This hit home for me the night I came home in a bad mood, again, and proceeded to vent to my girlfriend, as I had done so many times before. She patiently listened, as always. After I was done, she began to go into the frustrations of her day, which I patiently listened to for about 0.3 seconds before walking away to do whatever it was that was in my head at that particular moment. Completely oblivious to how dismissed I had just made her feel. Rather than blow up at me or lash out at me, she pointed it out to me in a non-threatening way. "Hey, I know you're having a rough time right now, I'm here for you when you need that. But you're not the only one who struggles, and I need it sometimes, too."
I realize that I was being selfish and expecting her to bear my burden without regards to hers.
Now that she's let me know that she will not accept an unfair balance, I am working on it. I now make a concious effort to resolve any "frustrations" about my day before I get home. I make a concious decision to check my baggage "at the door" before I come home. If its something I really need to discuss in order to process it, I ask her if its okay. I'm finding more and more often, however, that just running it through my own processor on my way home is usually enough.
Long story short: I would still be unloading on her and walking away if she had not stood up for herself and very politely but firmly pointed out her needs from me, too.
You need to find a way to get off the eggshell carpet you're walking on, and politely, firmly voice to her what is happening to you when she does this, and what you need from her in order for it to change. If she's as committed to working on things as you are, she will hear it for what it is. Just remember to put it in terms of how it affects you, and what you're asking for from her. Telling her what she's doing wrong will just make her more defensive and angry.
I agree, be patient and calm asking for your needs
Submitted by Dan on
I think LaTuFu's comments are prudent, make good sense. I'm an ADHD male, going thru a divorce, because ADHD was undiagnosed too long in our marriage.
My thread is here: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/find-volunteer-slapper-your-husband-and-reason
LaTuFu's comments make sense: Long story short: I would still be unloading on her and walking away if she had not stood up for herself and very politely but firmly pointed out her needs from me, too.
Unfortunately in my marriage where ADHD went undiagnosed... we begin to think the other doesn't care. I was unloading on my wife my problems, she accepted it but the last few years, she stopped accepting it but rather replied hostility saying "I don't want to hear it". I thought, gee... that's rude, she's changing, doesn't she love me? ADHD was very blinding to me, and my non-ADHD spouse that didn't know I had it. It was a down-ward cycle from there... until my wife just gave up and filed for divorce at the same time I got diagnosed for ADHD.
Don't let that happen to your relationship. 1) Make sure the couple accepts that ADHD is diagnosed within the marriage, regardless of who has it, husband or wife. 2) Get therapy and counseling for the ADHD and the marriage. Both should be understanding and apologetic to each other, if love still exists. 3) and finally... the non-ADHD person... if you still love your ADHD spouse and they acknowledge their ADHD, then be polite but firm pointing your needs... rage/revenge/anger gets the marriage nowhere, but patience and prudence will. Right now, my non-ADHD wife still hates me and has moved on, she can't let go of her rage thinking that our marriage was "all about me" regardless of what I say or do now. She listened to me for years, now she won't listen to me for a second, instead she just unloads on me. Don't let your relationship get that far... get the ADHD help your marriage needs. Again, patience and prudence if you still love your ADHD spouse that acknowledges they have it. Best of luck.
Mood swings
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Thank you all for sharing your stories and ideas about mood swings. It's really good perspective that you're sharing, and should be helpful for many who read it.
How do you prove add affects marriage?
Submitted by tracsport on
I have been reading the posts over the last 2 days, and have been recently diagnosed. Like you, it might be too late..and it drives me crazy that my wife (who is living with her Mom right now) thinks that alot of the issues in our marriage are linked to my adhd. I just want her to open her mind, and I am lost.....sitting here over Christmas...alone, and it sucks. My counselor wont talk to her, and all the information she gets is from me, which she has a hard time beliving.
To Ryan..
Submitted by Aspen on
You post that it drives you crazy that your wife thinks that a lot of the issues in your marriage are linked to your AD/HD. Does that mean that you think they are not? I am the nonADD wife of a ADD husband, and I can assure you that AD/HD definitely affects marriage...especially untreated AD/HD which is what you have had until recently. When one partner is inconsistent in doing what they say they will do, it leads to distrust, anger, and a feeling of insecurity in a marriage. If a person also has poor social skills, poor communication skills, poor time management skills, poor financial skills--any or all of the above, it is naturally going to affect everyone in your family.
Most women in a marriage additionally have a need to feel they have a soft place to fall and an ability to be cared for when feeling overwhelmed that is at times difficult for a AD/HD mate to understand &/or provide. I feel for you that you are lost and grieving for your family...I've read some of your other posts here and I understand that the situation is very hard for both of you.
You sound like you are doing the right things now. Educating yourself about AD/HD, taking meds (I assume as these will help you focus and work on other skills), and going to counselling. These are all necessary things for you to get as healthy as you can be and to be as full of a person as you are capable of being.
Your wife does not need to rely on you for information. Delivered from Distraction (as well as the other Dr Hallowell books) are excellent sources of ADD information. Dr Amen is another ADD expert with lots of good reading material on AD/HD and esp how it affects the brain. I'm trying to think of some other books we have in our library, but those are a great place for her to start educating herself about ADD and what it means for each partner. Dr Hallowell's new book (due in April 2010) is titled Married to Distraction, and I know my husband and I are eagarly awaiting it. We listened to a session by them, with the same title, at the recent AD/HD virtual conference and it has us very excited about how this can help our marriage continue to thrive.
If you wife has a lot of built up anger due to dealing with unmedicated AD/HD, I suggest a book that has been recommended here many times and which I am currently ordering called The Dance of Anger. It sounds to be just what is needed to release bad feelings which can easily build up in this situation.
AD/HD doesn't have to be a death sentence for your marriage, but you do need both people to get on the same page as to working on it. It sounds like your wife might not be there yet as she has left you due to feeling uncared for and unlistened to for as long as she was willing to put up with it. I am very sorry for you...fortunately we did not get to that point. When we recognized early on in our marriage that something else was at work which was making my wonderful guy inconsistent and even willing to color the truth so as to *stay out of trouble*, he immediately took action to find out what was wrong. Still I have anger over his inabilty to follow through on doing the things he commits to...both to me and to other people. He never wants to say no because he doesn't want to disappoint anyone, but emotionally he has trouble connecting saying yes and not folllowing through to actually disappointing people worse than if he'd said he couldn't do it in the first place....logically he gets it, but he continues to do it because he works so often on emotion. Very frustrating at times.
Anger and mistrust of what you say (because you have disappointed her so often in not doing what you say you will) are very common by-products of the situation you are in. You are on course to turn it around. You are getting help, and as you get consistent with your life and keeping your word and start to be a real help and partner to your wife; she may well relent and begin trusting in you and your marriage again. What you need to keep in mind is that regardless of her reaction you have to keep doing the best you can for you and for your children. I sincerely hope that she comes along too. As you read around this site, I believe in addition to finding anger and despair (which is very difficult for the ADD mate to read) you will also read of nonADD wives wtih a great capacity for forgiveness and looking on the hopeful side of things. We love our mates and genuinely want the partnership we signed up for.
You are newly diagnosed. If you follow the pattern of my husband at all, you'll spend a little time grieving over having a permanent disorder that you have to deal with...this is normal. You may also spend some time hoping your meds will be the *magic bullet* that will fix things for you. My husband spent at least a year in that stage...acknowledging verbally that he needed to develop skills to counteract his bad ADD habits and to work with the way he things, but in practice mostly sitting back and waiting for the meds to do their work. Eventually you will pull out the shovel and start digging into your ADD behaviors and working on ways to keep yourself on task.
I can't recommend coaching highly enough. My husband first had a WORTHLESS coach provided to him by insurance, but meeting with him at least a little bit helped my husband to stay a tiny better on task...not much better than nothing, but some better. He is now almost a month into online group coaching, and it's been wonderful for helpign him prioritize and stay on task (I had a lot of resentment when it felt like I had to do those jobs. I have an adult husband and I want him to take care of his tasks like an adult...the way that I do).
We've had a difficult couple of weeks. Almost 3 weeks of trouble with our work vehicle (which required both a tow truck and much work shuffling)...finally fixed yesterday by our fourth mechanic. A week of special visitors...also requiring work shuffling. Extra meetings for both of us. Add 3 days of our nieces and nephews staying with us (fun but exhausting), and now I'm coming down with the flu. Any one of these things would have previously been enough to knock my husband completely off track for a week! Today, he's not only happily caught up on work ( a feat all its own), when he got in from work this am & realized that I'm sick, he made me breakfast, brought me some extra blankets, built up the fire, and ran out to pick up more firewood to be sure we don't run out--previously he'd probably have gotten more firewood 2 weeks AFTER we'd run out. I feel very cared for, both because he is genuinely a caring and loving guy, but also because he is getting his symptoms well enough under control that he can handle his *stuff*. That is what I needed so much....to have less on my radar rather than all my stuff and all his too!
Please be patient with your wife. She is exhausted and is grieving over what she thought marriage was going to provide for her also. There is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to be patient and find out what things she needs to see in order to believe that change is really possible! Absolute best wishes to you!!
whoa
Submitted by tracsport on
I am sorry, there was a def typo. I know I meant to say that my wife does NOT believe that adhd has anything to do with the problems in my life/marriage. I look forward to hearing back from everyone...
Ahh I see...
Submitted by Aspen on
Likely in your wife's opinion at this moment, ADD sounds like just another excuse. She wants action more than she wants to hear anything about reasons. I think once she sees you making changes, you will be able to educate her more on ADD. If she seems open to it, directing her to this site to learn more about other women in her position could be really helpful. I think it's a great place both for the ADD spouse and the nonADD one.
The rest of my post above though I think could be helpful to you in your situation!
more than ADHD perhaps
Submitted by Dan on
Hello Ryan:
Your wife and my wife sound very similar. My wife and I are getting divorced, regardless of me finally discovering that I had undiagnosed ADHD all my life. Yes, she too has told me something like "it's not the ADHD with you", as if totally ignoring ADHD as an issue. I read your other post (that you had a typo), so it seems too that your wife is also considering your ADHD irrelevant, and blaming YOU as just being a bad apple. You being here on this web site, says a lot about you. It shows you are doing your best to change, while both our wives avoid or ignore this ADHD site. I'm in the same boat, and struggled for months, frustrated with her not willing to talk or work things out (we have kids, I feel awful for them mainly). She just wants a divorce... okay, so be it, nothing is going to change her, her loss I say in the long run. But for you, you still have hope...
So I finally discovered my other issue... I'm also dealing being a ACoA, Adult Children of Alcoholics. Basically, my ADHD disguised it from myself, but I have the characteristics of an alcoholic, without the drinking. I grew up witnessing how a drunk father acted to his wife, so I unconsciously treated my wife how my father treated my mother... very similar to my dad, except I don't drink. I grew up knowing that if you get drunk, you look foolish, so I don't drink... yet I still act much like my father. My wife never know my father "during his prime" when he was at his worst. That was during my teen years, and he left a big impression on me (peers do that). She only saw him when he was old, retired, sober (he did stop drinking). So she only saw and knew a sweet old man, which he was (he has passed). He had a good heart and was a good provider, same as me, but he didn't communicate well as a husband. If you Google ACoA, you can learn more.
My point is, perhaps that is something else about you, that you don't see but is affecting your marriage. Look at the people that "made who you are today".... your parents, your siblings, your very close peers. Did you come from what they call, a dysfunctional family? You need to be honest with yourself, since perhaps some people closest to you, perhaps were not the best role models.
Again, ADHD is "attention deficit"... that normally only doesn't make people not like something about you. ADHD'er are normally very fun, smart, they add life to the party. There may be something else.... your environment and upbringing, mainly your parents and siblings, have something to do with it. Whatever it maybe, ADHD compounds it. Therefore, it is great that you know you have ADHD now, but look deeper into your past and find out what else there may be. If I hadn't talked to my psychologist, I would NOT have discovered my ACoA syndrome. I used to cry when talking about my father, and I could never figure out why. It took my psychologist to discover in a session "Dan, do you know there is a syndrome called Adult Children of Alcoholics?" I was shocked, then actually cried and smiled in relief, when after he told me all the symptoms, I said... OMG, that is me. It was a huge break through for me! Oh, but again my wife is too far gone and doesn't care, she's just looking out for #1 now, herself, then the kids. She knows I'm a good father, same as my dad was, again, we're alot like our parents. All I can say is, oh well. :-) But you still have time...
Look at your childhood, your past history, your family, your close peers... to discover anything that “was not normal". Did you grow up with a Ward and June Cleaver or Archie and Edith Bunker? You too may be relieved to discover something about yourself and then you can get help. Don’t blame yourself, your parents and your environment you grew up in made you. But TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. You are an adult now. You can change and improve and be a good spouse. For years, you cannot fix what you could not see in yourself, but maybe you can see it now. Good luck... you being on this website in the first place, says a lot about you... you are intelligent and have the smarts to change. Most ADHD'ers don't seem to make it to this website, they don't even admit their problems.... those are the one's that can't be helped very easily. But you can!
Wow Thanks
Submitted by tracsport on
I read your post a few times, I guess the ability to read fast, but cafefully now is the key. I think my wife is scared, tired and sick of my behaviors...and that has caused a huge wall to be built up around us. I am sorry about your divorce, and I really think things happen for a reason ...
There are other issues, things....My mom has said things to her, directly and indirectly that have hurt her, and I never either saw it, or did anything about it. I rode the fence for too long. I was a big scare-d-cat that did not want to take a stand, I think because I did not know how. I avoided conflict with just about everyone, and when I did have conflict I blew up like a time bomb. Our familes (wife and I) were raised so differently, and in turn caused problems with that as well.......
I was brought up basically being spoiled by my grandparents, my parents were busy with various things...they sorta were the opposite, they were loving and caring but not to the same level. I lived in a house where if Mom wasnt happy, no one was happy...I think alot of my behaviors over the last 5 years of my marriage were directed on that. When my wife and I would argue, I couldnt understand why she was saying I was lying, I was not telling her things...through a variety of counselors etc..just didnt matter...because no one but my present one focused (no pun intended) on adhd...and more the hard part now is she will not talk to my wife before I fully understand things, and can almost stand up to her. I am scared of losing my family, but in the same token I am willing to fight, and "get better". Right now my 3 year old daughter thinks daddy is sick, and doesnt feel good......thats why they are 4 hours away from him........that breaks my heart.
I just finished "Scattererd Minds" by Dr. Adler, it was a good book, and I took notes, I have been on new meds for about a week now and is the do all end all, no but man I read a 200 page book in a day....and understand it? thats a start.
I am glad i came to this website and others, to talk to people, right now I am alone in this. Until my wife realizes what is going on, I am alone, but thats ok. I just hope in time she can listen, understand and realize that what I have done, was not malicious, was not to be mean, i am not an actor....I have realized I have this issue or condition, I am getting help and strategies, and the next step is to follow through, completely.
Good Bad or Indifferent I am here to stay.
Extremely strong mood swings?
Submitted by brighthorse on
Brady,
I'm no expert, but I read recently that upto 20% of adults with ADD also have "bipolar disorder" as a comorbid condition (think of it as a "traveling companion"). While ADD itself may result in mood swings, bipolor disorder is associated with extreme mood swings - abnormally elevated mood alternating with episodes of depression.
In case the mood swings you mention are extreme, you might want to consider addressing any potential "traveling companions" alongwith the ADD.
The moodswings, when present
Submitted by LaTuFu on
The moodswings, when present in an ADD sufferer, could be a result of the coping behaviors (or, maybe more accurately, the lack thereof) that cause someone with ADD to shut down emotionally.
I'm only speaking from my own personal experience, but my moodswings have reduced greatly since I began medication and therapy. In the years prior to my diagnosis, I suffered symptoms of depression, irritability, and a general "see-saw" of emotions on a regular basis. I could not put a finger on the source for years. Its common for someone without ADD to say "why can't you just focus/remember/sit still". When someone with ADD forgets something, its often followed by a period of negative self-talk very similar "Jeeez...why can't I just REMEMBER this stuff like everybody else...." Have that moment 10 times before lunch, realize you screwed up a project at work, let down a co-worker, etc. Now leave work and come home to discover what things you left a complete mess there...Lather, Rinse, Repeat for 5, 10, 15 years, and you wake up one day a very emotionally hurt person. (Or, a very emotionally disconnected person. The mind can only take so much pain...)
In hindsight, I suspect that much of my anger, depression, and mood swings stemmed from my complete lack of understanding of who I was. Although I am far from "cured", I have a much better understanding of what cards I have been dealt. That knowledge, coupled with the meds and learning new life skills, have helped dramatically reduce the moodswings.
that's how I feel
Submitted by Dan on
LaTuFu, you describe how I felt for the latter part of my 42 years, not knowing I had ADHD. For years, I knew I was different than many others... smart, caring, honest, humorous, inventive... but things never quite ever panned out as I envisioned. Very frustrating, negative self-talk, cluttered life and mind and usually beating myself up for things that went bad, humble about the things that went good. I'd get over the bad things and keep trying and trying... winning some things, losing majority of other things. When my wife became less supportive and critical of my personal failures, it got worse for me. For years, I couldn't figure what the heck is going on. This is why my ADHD diagnoses is a life changer. Nobody believes me that it is...yeah, but nobody walked in my shoes for the last part of my life. Sure, I'm not cured either... there is no cure for ADHD, but now I see the enemy within me. My own doing, I was getting sucker punched for the most of my adult life, but the battle is now finally fair and winnable. I can see it now, and therefore beat the bad ADHD enemy within, and hone the good ADHD traits to an advantage. Again, it's frustrating (admittedly, still an old ADHD trait I need to let go) to have people not believe me that I'm changing... but putting a positive outlook on it, I also look at it as rehabilitating when they don't believe me... like exercising... the stronger the resistance, the stronger I'll get. Nobody likes the burn of working out or lifting weights, but it's makes things better when looking at the pain is a good thing. Sure, mood swings for me are still present, since presently going thru a divorce, but smart ADHD'ers aware of their condition are intuitive enough to make lemonade out of lemons.
I believe you're changing
Submitted by arwen on
Dan, I'm sure I speak for others here as well, when I say that *I* believe you are changing. One of the skills I've acquired on my journey with my husband learning to manage his ADD and SAD is the ability to usually see through all the easy answers, the self-deception, the purposeful vagueness and so forth that folks with ADD often serve up in their efforts to cope with their emotional and psychological conflicts. While I have to say that I feel I sometimes still "hear" some of that here and there in your posts, for the most part you appear to be looking your situation in the eye and making the effort to learn a more effective approach to your life. That's a huge step forward!!!
I know you wish that other people that you know more personally also could see this change -- it sounds like you understand how hard it could be to overcome many years of seeing you the way you were before. It took me a long time before I felt I could believe in the changes my husband was making. One of the mistakes my husband made was thinking that he just needed to learn new habits -- when it came to learning new skills, or new attitudes, he had a very "I can't" attitude, which I didn't think represented much of an inclination to change. It took a long time before I could get him to see that whatever conclusions he had, about skills or attitudes he believed he couldn't change, had been formed before he was on meds and counseling -- and that until he had tried anew with the new level of brain function and new knowledge from counseling, he didn't really know what he could and couldn't do. Even when he would try anew, he would only try once and then give up if it didn't work well, instead of thinking about whether a different approach might be worth trying. Only when he was willing to show some persistence and try a variety of approaches to learning a new skill or attitude could I start to hope that he was really changing. Your family and friends may be looking for similar indications, and these are not things that can be observed over short periods of time.
So keep working to overcome your issues, be patient, and don't give up -- eventually if you are successful in your efforts to accomplish constructive change, your family and friends will see it too.
thanks...
Submitted by Dan on
Thanks Arwen... I think every person here on this Web site can find and see good things, change or progress in all of us... just being on this site speaks for itself and is a postive thing. My close friends and family, though not on this Web site, will still always be friends and family, and therefore always supportive and understanding.
What bothered me were my wife and her close friends and family, those definately not on this Web site. These are people I once knew and broke bread with. Even if some people may want to discover the truth, they curiously seem unwilling to investigate their attachment to their pre-existing opinions and beliefs. When someone is wrong, I want to help them and make things right. Yes, I will keep working on myself, be patient and never give up. And how I get past those that refuse to believe... "Just smile and wave, boys… smile and wave." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qI6DJ0VkBMQ
No one wins
Submitted by reecer on
Dan, I will say that although you are addressing your problem too late to save your marriage it is important that you are aware of it now and you are understanding the dynamics of what it has done to your marriage. Believe me that is huge. My husband of 5 years has ADHD and OCD. I am sorry to say that I also will be divorcing my husband. I understand the dynamics of ADHD and OCD extremely well. I have expended a great deal of time studying and researching ADHD in an effort to understand why my husband repetitively abuses me emotional and verbally. I have to admit knowing the reasons in no way lesson the scars that are left on my heart after each outburst. Unlike you he is not willing to climb the long road to some kind of rehabilitation. I am a very even tempered person and have had to be. I have raised a son (from a prior marriage) who has Tourette's Syndrome and OCD and if you know anything about that disorder it takes the patience of Jobe and the love of a mother in order to come out the other end with a well adjusted individual. I have used the same patience with my husband however, it has all been for not. My husband is a very generous man, but it starts and ends there. He is mean tongued, he lies, he belittles me every chance he gets and he has a full blown temper tantrum at least once a month. The tantrums come out of left field - I have no warning they are coming or I would flee the scene. What I do now is stay as far away from him as possible in order to protect myself. He does not understand any of this. If I try to explain to him that I don't like being yelled at he will very quickly find a reason to blame me for his sudden outburst. I am not anger at him, I am exhausted and all out of ideas. My only alternative is to leave and retain some little part of me. Life is short and I can not fix something that I didn't break. I feel my health being affected by all the negative energy and I simply can't allow that. I am not mean spirited and therefore wish him all the best. I truly hope that you have good success in your quest to conquer some of your issues. You did not chose this afflictiton - it chose you. Good luck to you.
It's interesting to hear the other viewpoint
Submitted by bshersey on
Reecer,
Thanks for sharing your story. I am an ADHD male, 49, married for five years. Hearing your story... it could be my wife talking, except she has not yet tried to divorce me. In our relationship, I have lied, said inappropriate things in front of her friends, and complained about her to my family, causing ongoing conflicts between them that we are still trying to work through. I have temper tantrums every few weeks and my wife admits she is afraid of them because she says they seem to come out of nowhere. I get really angry and frustrated, especially when her fear of me becomes visible to me. It makes me feel worse and I then get angrier, creating a self-fulfilling circle.
I feel SO SURE during those times that she just won't leave it alone and that if she would stop reminding me of the things I have done to her, I wouldn't get angry.
Reading your comments -- as well as some of the others on these pages -- helps me look in the mirror and see my actions through my wife's eyes. It's very helpful.
I have taken meds on and off during our marriage and for the past 6 months or so have been much more faithful to them, finally understanding that it's my responsibility to stay on them. And for the past three months or so, I have been speaking to a counselor, who has also been helpful.
I love my wife deeply and I don't want to hurt her anymore or make her feel any more frustrated with our marriage.
I am sorry that you have had enough with your ADD husband. I hope you find happiness in the future.
But sharing your story here has really helped me see things from a better perspective and will help me in the future.
Thanks.
ask yourself, why the ugly mood swings.
Submitted by Dan on
thanks reecer for the comments. Everyday, I seem to learn or discover more about myself, since a hour a week with a psychologist, though helping, just isn't answering enough. It is relieving to finally get answers, but sad since perhaps a long way from a solution. You mention OCD, and I even had to Google that just to remember what that was... Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD. I too show some of its symptoms. Relieving to see it finally, yet then... oh no... that is me. I will add it to my list of what I need to win over.
But I will make a point here... generally ADHD and OCD symptoms shouldn't make people bad to their spouse... annoying yes, but not bad. There has to be something else inside that makes things ugly. Recently, my therapist helped me discover what is making me ugly, something I couldn't put my finger on for 20 years of relationships. I grew up in a household with an alcoholic father who was also ugly to his wife, my mom. I forgot how bad it was... bad things, the mind wants to forget, and I locked most of the bad memories away, but I now see they still haunt me and now affected my wife. Why I became ugly to my wife is this problem I carry, called Adult Children of Alcoholics, ADoA. You can Google it to find out more. Again, I don't know if ADHD, OCD are all that affect a marriage to get ugly... there may be old demons hidden inside a spouse that made it ugly today... in my case, the problems of growing up in a home, witnessing the abuse of alcohol and other shortcomings of my father to his wife. All of our parents are who we are today, they were our environment. When looking for answers of "why?", it helps to look at your spouse's mom and/or dad. Don't look at them today... since they are old or past-on... discover your in-laws at a time when your spouse was an impressionable child. My wife doesn't like me today, but my wife loved my dad (died last year), she was closer to him than I was... but she only know him during the last 15 years of his life when he stopped drinking and was just old and sweet. This is something I didn't understand until recently. She didn't grow up, nor was molded by him during childhood, during the worst of his drinking... we were raised very differently. Not her fault, all the more why I feel awful about what she got blindsided by. Find out if your ADHD and OCD husband was a child in a perfectly normal Ward and June Cleaver home, or a Archie and Edith Bunker home with the addition of some sort of chemical abuse.
I know all about mood swings
Submitted by phoenixgirl78 on
I'm actually the non-ADD partner. But I know all about mood swings. And, because of that, so does my husband. I think he would describe a lot of the same symptoms that you did. I would be fine one moment, furious the next. Often times, my irritability was directed at him, but was due to a bad mood overall. (Also, low blood sugar plays a role.) When I was in a bad mood, everything he did just drove me absolutely crazy.
He had a pretty hard time of it, for sure. And, like your wife, I didn't really think it was that big a deal. That, since I couldn't control the emotions, it wasn't something that really should be counted against me.
Finally, when I saw what it was doing to our (very young) marriage, I started seeing a psychiatric nurse, to figure out my medication situation. (I was on a host of them, since I tend to top out easily.) She gave me some mood stabilizers, which helped a lot. I'm still crabby at times. But I'm better able not to pick fights and realize when I am letting small things get to me. That wasn't something I could stop before.
In the end, I was diagnosed as Bipolar II, which means no real full manic episodes but smaller versions of those symptoms and the full-blown version of the depression. Just having a name for it did actually help. I didn't really care about the label, anymore. (I have in the past.) I just wanted to know why my feelings were so erratic and why I kept hurting the person I loved so much.
So perhaps your wife should talk to her therapist about the possibility that she is bipolar. Or, perhaps, she just has many of the symptoms, since they do overlap with ADD to a pretty decent extent. But that may mean that a mood stabilizer could help some of the severity of the problem.
I do think that you need to talk with your couples' counselor about her lack of concern about these swings. It's easy to consider them the status quo and beyond your control. But the counselor and you have to make her realize that she needs to try to find ways around it because it's having a very, very big impact on you. It seems like she should know this, I'm sure. But sometimes it just seems so common to the person with mood swings that trying to change it is like trying to alter the tides. Try and find a way to make her realize that, just because it's not bothering her, that isn't a good enough reason to not deal with it. It's hurting you and, if it's not already, it will hurt her child. If she won't change for herself, then she needs to do it because she cares so much about the two of you.