An amazing thing happened over dinner a couple of nights ago. J Jamieson had been talking recently about denial - and how tricky or impossible it is to get into some topics when denial is at play. He had suggested going through the back door so that the denial is not openly confronted - allowing your partner to feel safe and not attacked. I couldn't tangibly get the concept but it has stuck in my mind. So back to dinner. We were having a lovely dinner and then out of no where my H launched into the usual 'victim' attack about everything that is wrong and how poorly he has been treated all his life. Something must have triggered it but he had gone into the red zone and I couldn't reach him. At that time all you can think of is 'damn - here we are back to stage 1'. We went back to our room and J Jamieson's advice about coming in the back door or doing something totally different to what you have tried before came to mind. Normally I would either get angry, or withdraw.
So instead I showed love. I gave him a hug, said that i loved him, and said I was going to lay on our bed and read my book, and when he was ready I would appreciate it if he joined me and gave me a cuddle. Absolutely amazing outcome. His anger went, he actually apologised, and that blip on the radar hasn't spoiled our week. Showing love allowed him to recover with dignity and respect for both us.
That is so good
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I am glad you weren't so depleted and could give him that love and assurance. If only they would build on that because there are so many "back to square 1" scenarios. You did a good thing.
That's So Cool!
Submitted by kellyj on
I just caught your post and I'm so glad that worked. It's also good to hear some feedback that it works the same for someone else too. This is encouraging:)
I just wanted to add something to this that I have been struggling with for some time now with my wife. I don't display anger as much as some people I read about here.....but what I silently struggle with all the time is feeling depressed from something that is missing from my relationship with my wife and I realized what that was just the other day. My depression or sadness comes from something that I have gotten so use to by now I had to really think about it to find the source for this low level feeling that has nagged me for a very long time.
Acceptance. That's really it. I've never felt entitled or the need to make excuses for my ADHD....but in the perfect world where I could have anything I wanted.....acceptance would be at the top of the list. That's where the sadness comes from.
I think by doing what you did with you H.....you just gave him some acceptance through the back door and this was his reaction to that. If you can keep this in mind as the reason why you should keep doing this....it might help to remind you why you should keep doing it.
I'm so glad that worked. Good job! :)
J
Yes - that may be it
Submitted by Wifelife88 on
Thanks for sharing that. My H speaks exactly of this - that nagging feeling that something is missing in his life - that our relationship is not as deep or empathetic as it 'should' be. That his relationship with the kids is not what he wants it to be. Myself and our kids are overall pretty happy and have difficulty understanding where he is coming from. Our family has so many positives so we almost dismiss his comments as nonsense. How difficult that must be for him.
So he fights harder to prove his point - so hard that he even admits of exaggerating my 'faults' so that he is heard.
And if we think about it, acceptance is what we all want - but maybe more necessary or critical for the ADHD person. I really appreciate hearing about your life - it's like getting an explanation for the parts of my H that puzzle me.
I am so happy for this great outcome
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Wifelife88,
I have come back to reread your post several times. It has certainly brought to me a lot of contemplation. I kept thinking, "Why doesn't that work in our relationship?"
In my life, these patterns of my own behavior create a very positive way to temper any given particular situation. I can fully appreciate how a soft word will have a positive effect. Like the old saying "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." I can and will and do try to take responsibility for my own actions. It is really awesome to see how my behavior can keep my spouse happy. For Liz, that is where part of her "I'm So Exhausted" came from. In a relationship I want to do whatever I can and am able to do to have a positive affect on my marriage. Some days one spouse has to give their all, plus some. I just cannot do all.
The trouble for me started, when I began to feel an unbalance. . . . to feel I was doing all the giving. The source of my giving dried up because more was gushing out than was coming back in to replenish the supply. .
I feel as I took responsibility to be in charge/control of the atmosphere in our marriage. I made sure I behaved in a way that kept my spouse happy. It got too one sided. I would love to feel that coming back to me sometimes.
I was so excited this spring to get a glimpse of the man I love. We learned a lot of communication techniques. They are a lot of work, and I was willing. I felt this was going to be "the thing." Well, it did indeed work, until the point where there had to be some uncomfortable adjusting on the side of my spouse. For what ever reason, he shut it all down. In my opinion, it appears he had hoped all conflict and disagreements and differing opinions were going to disappear.
I feel like the rug was yanked out from under me again.
I searched for ulterior explanations. I could not find any. A while back your post pretty much sums up where I struggle - "Much like the In our house it is the anger, mood swings and his inability to see that everyone has their own opinions."
With the focus on my and my own behavior, I am just overwhelmed, and cannot do it all. So I do not.
Liz
Maybe a subtle difference
Submitted by Wifelife88 on
Liz, I get the feeling that we are similar stages of our lives and both having been married for some years. From reading your posts I can see that we are both working hard on improving ourselves and ultimately our lives from where they had been. We are both committed to our marriage and loving our husbands. We just want some peace and contentment. And I bet our husbands do as well.
Something you may want to think about - it is not our role to keep the peace or keep our spouse happy or stop our spouse from yelling at us.
We have just had marriage counseling for the past 6 months - and the counselor gave up in the end. My H regularly got too upset and irrational and eventually decided that the counselor was on my side :) But I personally got a lot from the counselling as it helped me to see more about the cause and effect - something that really interests me. I also had my own therapist for about 10 sessions. There are aspects of my hard working, but sometimes irritable and impatient personality that affects those around me. But the end result was that personally I felt as strong and comfortable within myself as I have ever been. I feel I am the best person that I can be (plus or minus a few tweaks). And with that strength I know that I can leave my marriage and be OK.
That has allowed me to show love when I would normally be angry or withdraw. Is the difference showing love unconditionally and with no expectations versus being the calm and kind one where there is still some 'tolerance' feelings hidden deep inside us? That our H is still a burden?
So maybe give yourself a break and take that time to love yourself and keep enjoying the things that you are doing. Become the strongest and best Liz you can be. And fingers crossed you will find that beautiful husband more frequently again. How can he resist such a woman?
One other mantra that we are keeping in mind - one blip on the radar is not the end of the relationship or the end of the world - it's just a blip! And we'll continue to have blips but don't make too much out of them. As you say - the man you love is there - he can come out again. Or not. That's really up to him.
So on point! Our
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
So on point! Our responsibility is to continue to strengthen ourselves and just be a good person. We can't fix anybody but ourselves. When it gets nasty on their end, what does it hurt to control ourselves and weak away and leave them to their misery until a better time? It saves OUR sanity. Hey, if a counselor had to give up, who are we to think we can save the world? I prefer to work on me, the work of art. :) Liz, I feel you, too. It would be nice to get back what we put in.
Denial by the back door
Submitted by Shell10 on
I applaud you and your ability not to shut down . When the red zone happens in my relationship , he says Sooo many mean things, I refuse to acknowledge them with a response. Verbal abuse and playing the victim is his m.o.