My husband was diagnosed with ADD a few months ago, just after our marriage fell apart and we separated. He thinks that a non-ADD specialist therapist and some pills are all he needs to fix his problem, and it's only a "minor" problem at that. So, you could say he's deep in denial. But this isn't exactly rare with ADD husbands, as so many of us know too well.
As far as the implosion of the marriage is concerned, he sees the ADD as a non-issue, and has pinned everything on me. When I mean "everything" this even includes "things that never happened, "things I didn't do or say," and "things he did but doesn't remember properly, so he assumes I did them." I've also been told that all sorts of really horrible things he did (including physical injuries that occurred due to his inattention) he *didn't* do, and that I'm a liar.
This is bad enough, but there's one more level of pain that he's added to this situation.
I've been scapegoated and bad-mouthed by him to his therapist and family (who think he's blameless in everything and give him nothing but positive reinforcement) to the point where the former thinks I'm abusive and the latter stopped speaking to me entirely, based on what he told them. I don't care so much about the therapist, but I used to be close to my in-laws, and this situation has caused me a great deal of pain. It hurts more than I can describe to think that people I love believe I'm a horrible person because they've been handed a fictional account of our marriage. Plus, the reality is that I was the one who was abused, and I went to great lengths of work and sacrifice to try to help my husband and save our marriage (my husband--not so much). So, it's adding insult to injury.
My own therapist, family, and friends know me very well (better than my husband does--he emotionally "checked out" a while ago), and know this situation for what it is. I've been told over and over that I am not at fault here. I've been assured by a couple of ADD specialists with whom I've spoken that his ADD *was* our marriage problem, and that I shouldn't let his spewing make me question myself. But as many of you probably know all too well, when someone very close to you tells you enough times that you're "bad," it does a real number on your psyche--even when you *know* that you're not doing anything at all to warrant the the label.
After a few months of wrestling inwardly with the situation, and crying over the in-law family that I've lost, I've given up on my husband. I don't want to be married to this any longer. I'm actually embarrassed that I put up with as much as I did. My health has suffered tremendously because of problems brought on by my husband's condition, and I cry when I think of what I've given up over the years. But what's done is done, and I'm trying to put myself back together, set my boundaries back in place, and move on.
But how did any of you other non-ADD spouses survive all of this blame and reality warpage? I've been so horribly wounded from being badmouthed and lied about by him, and emotionally abandoned by his family. Did any of you go through the same thing? By this I mean not just getting blamed for every little bad thing in the marriage that you didn't do (and, worse, his ADD *did*), but being abused in absentia to friends, family, and others? It's so much salt in the wound, and I'm having a horrible time healing.
re: healing
Submitted by Anne on
Yes, I've endured the same things. As for healing, I've come to the conclusion that there is no healing as long as you're under the same roof. I've tried so hard to just consider that my husband is damaged, and evil as well, and not allow myself to be effected. But, I can't seem to rise above it, as the blaming, lying, gaslighting, back-stabbing, verbal assults never end.
What is so hard, also, is that we can't undo the damage once they cause people to turn against us. Yrs. ago, I talked with his ADD specialist for an hr. She said my version about our marriage was the exact opposite of what he had been telling her. Another time, I urged my therapist to sit down with my husband and talk. Afterwards, he said, "Everything you told me about your husband, your husband said applied to you." I was dumbfounded. They know nothing about truth and reality and less about character and integrity.
Thought it might help to let you know I understand the debth of your pain. It's difficult to describe to people who haven't lived it. I'm still with my husband and suffer every day. In fact, I would describe my life with him as a nightmare. Have you noticed how they do all these awful things and, yet, there never seem to be any consequences?
My emotional state is in shambles. I'm starting a class in dealing with a family member who is mentally ill. This is for caretakers so I'm hoping it will help. Reach out in your community for help. This is too big to go it alone. Anne
Anne, how brave that is
Submitted by nrparents on
Starting a class to help you with your husband is amazing, what a brave thing to do. After all you have gone through with him. Do you want the role of his caretaker, and will he allow it? It seems like a thankless task.
Best of Luck to you.,
re: need to correct a mistake
Submitted by Anne on
The last paragraph should read: A mental health group in town will soon be offering an eight week course on how to care for a mentally ill family member.
I have a friend who had a
Submitted by Jeannie on
I have a friend who had a brother who was mentally ill (schizophrenic). One day, she went with her father and her brother to a mental institution to check in her brother. Her brother and father went inside while she waited in the car. After about 30 minutes, her father came out very frustrated and asked her to come inside. It seems that the brother convinced the admitting people that it was the father who was crazy and needed to be admitted.
I feel for you BreadBaker
Submitted by nrparents on
I know that feeling of being blamed by my ADHD husband. He claims I cause his numerous "injuries", which are more like hypochondria on his part. Last summer while on vacation at Cape Cod, he asked if he should leave the hall light on at night for our son, and I said no, he wouldn't need it and it was in my eyes. Next morning, my husband claimed he got up at night and while walking to the bathroom said he banged into the refrigerator and injured himself, and that it was my fault! First of all, he walks extremely slowly when he gets up at night, so even if he did bump into the fridge it would have a been a gently tap. He claimed he couldn't play mini-golf and was angry the whole rest of the time. He does that often, ruins our good time. The same thing happened in New York City, he said his foot hurt and limped around angry the whole time, blaming me because he said he took a wrong step at my friend's house and hurt his foot.
My husband says I am controlling, demanding, and perfectionistic. He said he gets nervous when he hears me walking downstairs (where he hangs out a lot), and he has always been visibly nervous walking upstairs, which he also blames on living with me (even though his fear started years ago, before we ever started having problems). Strangely enough, when I ask him why he doesn't move out if I'm causing all these problems, there is no answer and he makes no move to leave. My "demands" he is talking about are normal requests that any partner has the right to expect--this was verified by three therapists. He told his uncle and other family members that it is a "power struggle" on my part, and that I want everything done "immediately" and "my way." People don't know the truth. My husband creates the power struggle by obstructing everything I want to do, just normal everyday maintenance and cleaning is an uphill battle with him. When we have leaves or mulch that need raking we need to do it before it rains or snows, that is why people rush to finish raking on the weekend. He argues that he doesn't have to do it right away. I am tired of arguing and all I want is a normal man who takes responsibility and has some cooperation and self-awareness, things my husband has never heard of.
Hang in there!
I am not recovering. It's
Submitted by Clarity on
I am not recovering. It's like having a chronic condition that will need constant monitoring and attention. Biting my tongue, speaking in neutral tones along with evasive maneuvers to keep the peace is not enough. The in-laws are sure I am the problem. My health has suffered due to the stress of dealing with it constantly.
It has helped to take the room upstairs to keep even further away from him but even after six months or so now, I feel like I can't get far enough away. It's good to go to school and out with friends and spend time in the gym. What a great stress reliever that is! After some good cardio and a trip to the the steam room, I just don't care! I'll be sure to get enough sleep too.
Another thing I do is try to not focus on his behavior. It's hard as, I start ruminating about just what happened or was said and how that worked out. No matter what he says, understand that he really doesn't get it. You know what the truth is. Figure out how to be good to yourself, give yourself some time and take care!
RE: Recovering
Submitted by gekkedwaas on
Wow. I think you are very brave to finally say "enough". I have lived with my partner's ADD symptoms for 12 years now; dealing with the blame game, denial and just plain out craziness that stems from her behaviors.
I think we hang on for so many reasons. Love, strength of character, hope, masochism.
You are so right about the dual view of the relationships we have and it is hard to find someone who understands what it's like to live inside the ADD - non-ADD relationship from the non-ADD's viewpoint.
I called around town to find a therapist to speak with for myself. I was looking specifically for someone who had a specialty or sub-specialty with ADD, thinking that they would help give me insights to how I need to help myself. There were only two, outside of the therapist my partner is going to see, and each of them asked me if my partner was okay with me discussing her condition! This was supposed to be for my mental health, not hers! (I ended up scheduling an appointment with someone outside of the specialty)
It is truly amazing how the ADD spouse can turn trying to maintain a somewhat 'normal' life into you being a selfish and controlling person. It does wear you down, so that you become almost emotionally bankrupt, not to mention just tired - all the time.
My partner thinks that our problems stem from me approaching mid-life (almost 50) and that I don't communicate well enough. It is to laugh.
After 3 weeks of emotional hell, she's speaking to me again because I wrote a note reminding her that she has seen her new psychiatrist only once and that I am waiting for my test results from the doctor (hormone level check) and that I have found a therapist to talk to about my own mental state. Talk about living in the moment - it's as if she didn't tell me that she didn't want to be in the same house with me less than a week ago!
I don't think we ever fully heal or recover. The analogy that runs through my mind most of the time is the one about the broken teacup - it can be glued back together, but the crack remains. Some things leak through and the longer we are with the spouse/partner, the more breakage there is. And yet we hang on for love and hope.
The ADDer can get the right meds and feel fine or not take the meds and think they are fine and are ready to face the world again never thinking that the people around them are still left to deal with the aftermath and vision of the future that the past promises to bring.
It's a hard and lonely struggle, especially when the majority of the world sees ADD as an irritating overactive child, not the full grown adult who brings havoc to those who love them the most.
Amazing
Submitted by tarjavj on
How similar our situations and experiances are. I am divorcing my ADHD husband, but nobody sees him as to blame. It is me who is the difficult one and he is the nice guy. Nobody ever lived with him and knew how it really was. He is making lots of efforts to contact all my friends and even relatives to tell his story. I have no energy anymore, after taking care of him, myself and 2 daughters for so many years. Now he tells me that he is trying to manage his life and how hard it is. I did it for 15 years for him! I really hate ADD, as without it, my life would have been so much easier and rewarding. I must have been stupid to care so much and the most terrible thing is that I still do. I wish you all the best and hope you can make it work. It is not an easy road and sometimes when the things get too though, you should think about yourself to see if it is really worth it.
I am you!
Submitted by Dazed and confused on
HI there,
I could have written your post exactly. I am currently separated from my husband again (I have lost count). I didn't want it to happen this time, but the verbal abuse/anger is just not under control. My ADD husband, no fault of his own, has tried for a year straight to find the right professionals and medicine to help him. Hasn't worked. But, in the meantime, as much as I love him, we can't be together under the same roof. We started talking to a new counselor, who I met first but he doesn't meet her until Monday. I have faith in her. She said she doesn't care whether we stay together or not, she cares about our happiness and will not judge us.
I think at first, you have to realize that you really, really have to be deeply in love with this person to make it through this. I mean, love like there's no tomorrow kind of love. I don't know how else I have gotten through this. If you don't miss him when he's not around, then this might not be the relationship worth lasting. I miss my husband right now, even though he's untreated and hasn't been a very good person lately.
Second, you really, really, really need to keep trying until you can find a therapist who can help with his ADD issues with him, and the same person to deal with marriage issues, and be NEUTRAL. I was blasted by two old therapists who said Brian's "stories" painted me in the worst light ever. I am sure his parents think that about me, too, just exactly as you said. I think showing them articles Melissa has written on here helps (especially the one about the ADHD men who are in denial). And, it helps you to read these over and over so you don't drive yourself crazy.
I didn't want to separate, but when I did, I cleared my head and I could see that, yes, I am sure my anger and frustration contribute to this relationship but the fact is that my ADD husband is the root cause of all this and that I'm not crazy. I am right.
I met with the counselor separate and I think that will help for a while. She will meet my husband on Monday and see how stressed out and high-strung he is. I am hoping she gives him some tips to get through the week. I also have an appointment set up on Wednesday and we'll decide before then if it's going to be us together or just me again. But, the point is that at least two times a week therapy is needed for the ADD couple in ER mode. My husband and I are in ER mode.
I love him dearly and want to stick by him. I don't think I could continue without having a really good professional as support.
Try to find the right one, and go to them OFTEN for a while. Let us know how it goes.
From one with ADD
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
The most common theme I see among these boards is frustrated spouses! Although my husband never had a forum to vent on, I'm sure he was saying many of the same things you all do. The difference is that he never knew what my problem was. Quite honestly, being a police officer, he suspected my behavior was the result of a substance abuse problem, infidelity, or habitual lying. I have bad mouthed him, accused him, blamed him of things that weren't his fault. He would tell me he hated that I would talk about him to my family, make him appear a tyrant.
About 1 year ago at 30 years old I was diagnosed with ADD. For many years I didn't see anything "wrong" with the way I was. Because I couldn't "see" anything wrong. I couldn't see that his anger problem was a result of the frustration he felt from my behavior. That anger was what made me paint him as the tyrant - when in fact it all stemmed from me. But, I couldn't see it! And since my diagnosis I would no longer label him with an anger problem. Although he's still frustrated with the way I am, he is no longer frustrated wondering why I do what I do.
There finally came a time that I began to admit that something was "wrong" with me. I began to notice all the things I was forgetting. I began to think that there was something medically wrong with me. As my grandmother died of a brain tumor I began to think that maybe that was the cause of my memory problems. But, one day I read an article and everything clicked into place. I admit I never knew a thing about adult ADD. Shortly after I was diagnosed and am on medication. My husband would tell you it does help me a lot.
The reason I am commenting here is because I know how frustrating it is to have a spouse who doesn't "see" reality. I see so often comments saying "I want my spouse to take responsibility!" But, how can one take responsibility for something they don't have control over and don't recognize? Many ADD spouses will deny they have a problem until some defining moment that they say "Hey, I do have a problem and I need to get help."
I have a friend whose husband has undiagnosed ADD, but I am fully confident that he does have ADD. He, however doesn't see a problem. I suspect he's like most of the spouses here. Until/if he has that defining moment the only thing I can do for her is help her to understand her husband. Help her understand how he thinks and why he does the things he does. It's not directly helping the problem, but it is helping to ease her frustration and to understand her husband a little better.
We all hurt because we don't feel validated
Submitted by LaTuFu on
No matter what side of the ADD you are on, if its gone untreated and unrecognized long enough to damage the relationship, both people are hurt and broken.
There is resentment on both sides, because neither spouse understands why the other doesn't see their side of the pain.
That is one of the more cruel aspects of dealing with ADD. It goes untreated for so long because most people don't know its there.
I was not diagnosed until I was 40. 1 marriage, many relationships, and a lifetime of "What the hell is wrong?" anxieties later.
Although I feel a lot better mentally now that I have a few answers, I have years of bad habits and coping strategies to unlearn. And I have to do it while trying to get by in a world that doesn't understand what it truly means to have ADD.
Many people assume that once its diagnosed, you simply take a pill, see a therapist and/or read a book, and *poof* you're cured. Its just not that simple.
Sometimes these unrealistic expectations lead to more hurt, anger, and resentment.