So, I am in a relationship with ADHD partner. We tread a fine line between Enabling and Understanding our ADHD partners. On one end of the scale we have the school of thought to just accept them for who they are and pick up all the slack because they cannot help it and on the other end of the scale are those who seem to comment that if they are not pulling their weight then end it. We spouses constantly swing in between both and quite frankly it does my head in to the point where my own mental health is becoming an issue. For an overthinker such as myself I am continually thinking about what and how I say things to him and how can I help or is what I am about to say going to do more damage or sound patronising. My partner is newly diagnosed and it's doing my head in. We have been together for four and a half years and he moved in to my house in December. I have been waiting for the life he described would be ours to begin and it didn't matter what he said it went backwards very fast. To be honest I wonder if I am ever going to have that life with him. Yes, he has been diagnosed but doing little about it at this stage - on meds - but no counselling - seems to have trouble getting into that space. He says there are aspects of his life he wants to improve and that things will get better once that happens. It's actually quite difficult for us partners sometimes to sit by and watch the "inaction" in action so to speak. They say that you shouldn't want to change your partner but I think most of you would agree that it is him that changed in that he was very good and showing the outside world that he had everything under control when that was far from the truth. He has also stated he wants to improve things so your wanting to help him do that..... is that trying to change someone?
I am just completely stuck right now wondering if he is ever going to be able to be the partner he made himself out to be with the family togetherness etc when he cannot even get home on time for dinner with us. The family holidays we talk about taking that I now know I will have to pay for as he cannot even pay his own way and I support him now.
How do you give your partners support but ask them to support themselves at the same time? How do you give them the encouragement but work double the hours they do? At a loss.
Live for you, and see what happens. . .
Submitted by Heart's Desire on
This post rings very true for me - I've been with my ADHD husband for over five years now, and we've been in therapy for almost 4 years. He is in deep denial about his ADHD and it's impact on me and our family, despite having done an ADHD workbook together, committed to taking medication, doing Melissa's phone in couples' course and countless therapy sessions, we get worse with every passing year. Certainly I am partially to blame for this, and for my responses to his symptoms. Also, I'm someone that is overly caring and accommodating to my partner - and I realised earlier this year that I was enabling him in his behaviour and denial.
So, to answer your question about how we can give our partners support but also ask that they support themselves? I've come to the point now where I'm letting my husband be. That is my motto. No more trying to get his attention, or trying to make my needs known, or engaging in fights when he starts lashing out, or helping him stay organized. I'm staying calm and practicing self-care and seeing where this takes our relationship. I'm trying, as Melissa suggested, to stay 'lovingly detached'. If he gets frustrated and demands where did I put 'his x-y-z'. I say 'I don't know'. and leave it at that. If he is running around the house like a bull in a china shop looking for something, I don't help him find it. I'm leaving him to figure out life on his own, but not with anything that would indanger me or our child (e.g. I'm still looking after our finances, buying and preparing food, things like that). I'm not bugging him about projects that stand uncompleted (like our unfinished basement), or asking him to come to bed with me at 10 instead of 1 am, or saying anything about his bottle of medication that has been sitting untaken for weeks and weeks.
I'm giving myself until end of November or so to see how I feel about the path our relationship is taking. I'm living my best life and not giving him any 'fuel' to say 'this is all your fault'. Example, I'm not nagging at all, I'm not raising my voice, I'm not engaging in fights. I'm continuing my own therapy sessions and not nagging him to join me or make his own.
This Marriage Tip from Melissa was really helpful to me and has become my mantra:
[start of quote] “I think we simply need to ask ourselves if we’re choosing joy and choosing life with a capital L, or choosing fear that’s packaged to look like good habits.
This quote was about diets but I want to talk about relationships, instead. Because the idea is just as relevant.
I am asked quite frequently “How do I know if I should stay in my relationship?” My response is that I believe each person should do the best s/he can to improve his or her relationship by taking responsibility for one’s own issues, and learning all one can about ADHD issues, as well. You’ll likely work hard, and it will take some time. But at some point you will know that the two of you are doing the best you think you can and, with that, whether or not the two of you can make it succeed. And the WAY you will know is that you will come upon a time in which you can ask yourself this question “Am I choosing to be in this relationship because it brings me joy? Or am I choosing to be in this relationship because I fear the unknown?” In other words, are the habits you’ve created in your relationship genuine? Or are you faking it – choosing fear that’s packaged up to look like good habits?
This is actually an answerable question, when put like this. Packaging up your habits feels false. You crave something different, in the same way that the dieter who is not fully committed to a specific diet plan craves the food he cannot have. I urge you to actively seek joy…first within yourself and with your partner and then, if you find that is impossible, understand what sort of diet you have chosen.
I am not advocating divorce – my passion is for helping people save their relationships. And, when ADHD is involved getting things right can take years. But you will know, deep in your heart, once you have both done all you can, whether or not the relationship will ever bring you the joy you seek." - [end quote]
This has helped me question myself about whether I am fearful of what a future without my husband looks like, and is that holding me to this horrid and dysfunctional relationship? Possibly. And I'm hoping by choosing joy RIGHT NOW, and seeing how that affects my relationship with my husband, whether this is a marriage I can stay in, or if he is someone that I do not need in my life as a partner. As a parenting partner, certainly we will have that relationship forever, but possibly not as a life partner.
Early in relationship
Submitted by chrisj0406 on
I love a lot of what you've written.
One of the things I kept saying to myself whilst reading it.... but you are married.... you have children.
I have known this person for four and a half years and he moved into my house in December. We are not engaged, we are not married. In essence, I guess, we are still in the process of trying each other on. We both have children. Mine visit their father every other weekend and his come to see us every other weekend. I feel like the decision point I am at is quite different to those who have already said for better or for worse til death do we part. I haven't said that yet. I don't even know if I want to now to be honest.
And.... I feel awful for even thinking that way.... that I would break up with him as I don't want a life of frustration and pain that I know this is going to bring. I know I will also have love and companionship, don't get me wrong as he is a wonderful man in that regard. But why can't I have love without the huge issues as well?
Hmmmm. I am a bit stuck right now.
Chrisj0406...No commonality = No compatibility
Submitted by c ur self on
I've been married seven+ years and it's still a daily battle because we are so different....Trying to relate to her severe ADD is very hard; and where denial is present it's impossible in most area's....
If a person refuses to see or isn't capable of seeing that hoarding isn't the right way to live; then you must learn to exist with the mess or work around it...Or fight, or leave....(I just used this as an example of one of our many differences because her hoarding is one of the biggest issues...It can be any aspect of life and your relationship.
The thing is; in my view, we non-adders refuse to accept the visible fact that they have made peace with their lifestyles and how their minds work...So when you try and rationalize and make points like..."We can't have our children or grandchildren over if your going to fill both spare bedrooms with box's of garbage"..They can't do better, because their minds want let them; so we get angry and say you don't care, but, in reality they just have excepted their mind want allow them to do any different...Its the same principle as being an addict or alcoholic...Maybe worse...From my experience and what you posted this kind of mind in most instances desires Co-dependency in a big way. And you will never avoid Mothering and Enabling if you can't communicate....
So they are content living in a way that causes you work, pain, anguish and misery....I'd really give this relationship some deep thought before I baled off into marriage....
Just saying...
C
I agree
Submitted by Heart's Desire on
I agree with C, deep thought is required to see if you really want this relationship to proceed. It is so hard to break up with someone for something that is related to their brain, and leaving your partner should be because he's in denial about his behaviour and symptoms, not because he has ADHD. Really think hard about yourself and what you want in a relationship and the work required to get your relationship to that point, and see if it's worth it. In the end, it may not be.
I didn't know about my husband's add until after we got engaged. It was his sister who told me 'off the cuff'. And I didn't realise the impact it would have on our relationship until about half way through our engagement. The disconnection, the focus on anything but me, the mess, the lack of care and attention. . . it became unbearable and I was considering calling off the engagement, I was so bewildered by what was going on and terrified by all I started reading about ADHD impacted marriages. I suggested to my husband that ADD might be impacting our relationship. He sought out counselling (alone and couples) and began meds again. Then, literally a week later I found out us I was pregnant. Then was no turning back at that point, but I do wonder if I would have had the strength to leave with a wedding looming and my love for him still so strong. . . probably not. however, he's back in his cycle of 'add is your problem, not mine. You're broken, not me".
I guess that is to say, that if you are considering ending it, for reasons related to ADHD and his denial, that is a completely valid reason to do so. Strength and peace be with you. (There's a good post by Melissa that talks about ending/staying in an adhd-impacted relationship. I'd suggest reading that).
C ur self - your post was a bit shocking for me to read. What you are describing mirrors my husband's family home. A father so affected by undiagnosed ADHD, he hasn't held a job for 20 years and has barely left the house. And, his mother is a hoarder and we cannot get them to stop. The house is disgusting, littered with garbage, our children will never set foot in it. . . it's disgusting. But, they are happy living that way and no amount of therapy has helped them overcome it. Even for all the pain, anguish and misery it causes their children. I get so angry at them, I just want to scream "I hate you and the fucked-up way you raised my husband!", even though I know deep down they did the best they could and can't help it. I still hate them for it. . . .
Still so undecided it drives me a bit crazy
Submitted by chrisj0406 on
I would never leave him just due to ADHD perse (I have some of my own issues) because I know they are treatable and you can adjust to live a slightly different life. What I am faced with is that, after writing down in detail the life I want to live, I just don't see it being with him at this point in time. Is that because of his ADHD - yes, most definitely - the life he verbalised he wanted to live and now that I have lived with him - the life he is capable of living - are poles apart. Would I leave him due to ADHD - no. Would I leave him because his ADHD meant he couldn't be the person I want to be with for the rest of my life - yes.
This issue is that I also recognise that I should have/could have seen many red flags but when I met him he was recently separated and seems to be already at the bottom of the curve so to speak and was picking himself up and dusting himself off. He told me all about what he didn't like about the marriage he had and my interpretation of that was - if he didn't like those things then he must want the opposite - that sounded more in line with the life I wanted.
He talked the talk with such passion about growing his business and enjoying family holidays together and putting a vegetable garden in at my house one day when he moved in. It all sounded like domestic bliss - my daughter, his boys - all of us being happy.
The reality is that he barely has enough money to help buy food - he manages to cover the bills somehow that he has to pay (phone and car and business expenses) but has nothing left to give the household. No mortgage contribution. No utility contribution. I do once a week major grocery shop and during the week he will buy milk and bread if we run out and any other grocery item that he specifically wants like if he runs out of his cereal. There would certainly be no saving for a family holiday - unless I paid for it all.
Last year I took my daughter on a dance tour to USA and I would loved for him and his kids to join us in Disneyland but, of course, that was impossible. I couldn't afford to pay for everyone. I saved for a year to get my daughter and myself over there. I really didn't like going on an adventure without them. I felt bad and missed them. But, that is the way it is going to have to be - do I want to do that?
He seems to live completely inside his own head - I DO understand that is also an ADHD thing. But I never know what time he will be home for dinner so I always just cook extra for him and put on a plate for him to heat up. I have no idea where his finances are up to as he never comes right out and tells me if he is going to be paying anything this week or not. I always have to ask. What he does in regard to his self employed work seems to just his business and nobody elses. He never initiates any conversation that involves anything past the current day most of the time.
This is not the partner that I wanted. I wanted someone that was involved in family life. Could help with the chores and contribute to the greater good of the household.
There is an internal criterea we each use to assess our future life partner and you give a little on some things and not so much on others - there are deal breakers and compromises.
It's ok to me if my partner doesn't earn a lot of money but he can contribute in other ways - If I am working longer hours and bringing home the majority of the money by far then he can help by easing the burden of home duties but I shouldn't have to support him and cook every night and do most of the housework. Its not fair.
Under normal circumstances (non-ADHD) I simply would have said enough is enough and you either shape up or ship out.
BUT this is now an ADHD household and now that I know about it I understand that it's not his fault perse BUT does that make the whole situation ok? I struggle to find a positive answer to that right now.
He's such a loving guy and is so nice to me in many ways. I feel the balance of this relationship is very out.
It's all about affect and effect...Noun or Verb?
Submitted by c ur self on
We are not being destroyed by the Affect of ADHD on our spouses....Affect...Noun passive....
We are being destroyed by how we are responding to the circumstances...the effect Verb active....
In other words my death only occurs when I respond because of the presents of Add....
Many people will tell you it is impossible to have a happy marriage where add is so prevalent....And maybe it is for my mind, and many more others...But! I will not accept I can't have an awesome loving healthy marriage....And my God is big enough to make it happen in spite of my mind and add....
PS...I'm glad your in-laws are compatible....And as for you...I suggest you lose the hate...You know the only one who is suffering because of it's existence...
C