Me and my ADHD partner can't seem to ever be ont he right page. Even when i'm not trying to argue with him, an argument insues somehow. Like today, last night he said I want you to go to the fish market tomorrow and get me fish. I said okay. Then this morning he claims I said the smells makes me naueous and I can't go. But I really didnt say that. He kept trying to get me to say I said it and instead of fighting I ignored him. And he threw something at me and hit me in the head! Then he said it was because i wasn't paying attention to him. I mean how much am I supposed to take from him because of his disorder? When does it become time for me to say this is not right you can't do this? And how can I, whenever I try he just tells me how i dont understand him and freaks out....I love him so much it kills me but I dont know when love isnt enough to keep you...
Getting across to him
Submitted by WaterLily420 on 12/19/2009.
I am experiencing the exact
Submitted by hope09 on
I am experiencing the exact same thing with my husband and I think you and I both need to be honest with ourselves...its abuse. I understand the combination and I feel for you. I wish I can give you a hug cause god knows I need one. My husband is destroying me...I'm not well. I don't know why I can't find the strength to leave or why I don't love myself. I experience the "cylce" of abuse and those great times when he's wonderful is why I stay...it gives me hope. Can I ask you how his childhood was? My husband's father also has ADHD and anger issues. He was abusive to my husband and his wife/mother. My husband treats me like his father treated him and his mother. On top of all this, my husband is also refusing to work. I need help with the bills. He makes me feel like I'm crazy and threatens to leave me. I think it makes him happy to yell at me and put me down...the sad thing is, he can't even control himself. He also says that I turn on him and I'm against him. I understand clearly what you mean by "freaking out".
he wasnt abuse
Submitted by WaterLily420 on
his mother wasnt physically abusive to him but mentally, i mean i dont think that is an excuse my mom beat me and was very physically abusive and i am not that person it just hurts so bad and i have no idea what to do
He is not going to change unless you leave!
Submitted by DTC on
I have ADD and it drives my wife crazy. The only way she got thru to me is when she took off her wring and told me she is Done with our marriage. I tried to change in the past but always reverted to my ADD ways. When she took off her wring it helped me realize there is no other choice, either I try to be functional or be left behind. I love her so much and I love my two kids so much that I had to forget myself and try to be functional on an hour by hour basis.
You need to leave him, especially if he is not working. If he loves you the way you deserve to be loved then maybe something will change. HE WILL NOT CHANGE unless you leave him. This is best choice for both of you!
9% of men have ADD so there is a good chance you can find another man who will treat you right.
This is just my advice as a man with ADD but seek some professional help.
You're right
Submitted by hope09 on
I know you are right but I'm having a hard time with it because I feel like once I leave I will shut down and not return. I feel like I will realize I'm better off and not give him another chance. He tells me he hates me and that I ruined his life. Even if I decide to go back with him how can I trust that he will have changed? I also don't understand why this game has to be played. He's an adult and needs to work. If we love eachother its simple...things in his mind I guess aren't simple.
I'm scared of giving him that second chance and letting my guard down to be tormented again. I don't mind he has ADHD but he is so cruel and abusive on both a verbal and emotional level that is has really destroyed my confidence and self worth.
I think what also frightens me is that its my second marriage (I orginally married a high school sweetheart at a young age) so I find it really difficult acknowledging a second mistake (to me a failure) but I don't deserve to be treated this way. I cry everyday and never know how his mood will be or how he will react.
If I give him an ultimatum he will say I'm turning on him and I can't be trusted. He messes with my mind. It's like I'm the smartest person and know to leave but I don't know how too.
Is there a way I can approach him without leaving that will get thru to him? If I take my ring off he will bounce around from being sorry in 1 breath and in another calling me a c*nt.
I know you are right DTC and I wish I can go to seek prof help but we've been hit hard financially so the only one who can see a doc is him. Although there is prob more hope for me.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I wish my husband were like you. He won't even look at this site.
You can not change his
Submitted by hubby123 on
You can not change his actions, you can only change your actions. You wouldn't walk down a dark alley at night and put yourself in a dangerous situation, so don't do it in your own home. If he threatens your, or hurts you in any way, call the police. Chances are the first time he'll only get a warning from the police, but he will learn very quickly that you will not accept abuse as part of the relationship, and it's completely unacceptable. If you don't do this, abuse will only escalate over time. Lay out the ground rules and stick with them. Let him know if he throws something at you, or physically hurts you again, you will dial 911 and have him arrested. And do it if he decides to put you to the test. A better solution is when he feels he is going to explode, he can simply get in his car and go for a ride and leave until he's calm again. And don't try to discuss things when he returns, or things will quickly escalate again. Instead handle your discussion via email or letter.
ADHD causes people to see things differently than they really happened. My wife has ADHD, and I see her argue with my children over the silliest things. I'll see something take place, and she remembers it differently. She will swear up and down to her perception of the event. She is not lying because she actually believes it took place differently. The only way I've been able to combat this is by communicating via email or having a conversation with a video recorder running where you can play back the words. E-mail is the best format because it forces people to think about the words they choose, and the words and dates are saved for future reference. If your husband won't use email, perhaps a letter.
Also removing a wedding ring or leaving will likely result in him blaming you for the action, and not accepting responsibility for his part. He will assume you have met someone else, etc. You need to be very clear in your communications that you are doing this not because of anyone else, but because you fear for your safety, or you are no longer going to be subject to this type of environment, etc.
Try to get as much support around as you can.
Submitted by DTC on
I knew my was serious about getting divorced and it scared the hell out of me. We moved far away from my family and friends so I had no support around me. I found a support group called Divorce Care and talked with the leader of the group. They are group of people that are in different stages of the divorce process and are there to support each other. There are Divorce Care groups that meet all over the United States. It is a Christian based program so it is usually affliated with a church. Luckily my wife and I are getting along so I never went to a meeting but it is sure nice to know I have support if I needed it. (divorcecare.com) The best part of the group it is free. I know divorce is a scary thing but it sounds like your husbands are both mentally and physically abusive. This is not going to change especially when they know you are sticking around. ADD makes you self centered so you try to manipulate your environment to meet your wants and needs. He does not care about you or he would not say or do the things he does. He is just trying to to manipulate you to get what he wants. I know you love him but you also need to love yourself. This is a hard descision but it is best for both of you.
This is just an opinion from a man who has ADD. Please get as much support as you can get so you can make the best choice.
God be with you!
divorce care
Submitted by brendab on
OTC is right about divorce care. I went through the entire 12 weeks and it was one of my wonderful supports. They do not encourage or discourage divorce. People attend because they are considering divorce, separated, going through the court system, and divorced for years. I went to two different groups, one better than the other. Divorce is like a grieving process but sometimes necessary and it is wonderful that there are people out there helping. There is very little mention of Christianity during the 12 weeks so anyone of any faith would feel comfortable there. They have open discusssion, some discussion based on a workbook, and a themed section on a video each week. I would highly recommend it not only for the information but also for the understanding support you will get from people who are going through many of the same types of things you are.
Brenda
thank you
Submitted by WaterLily420 on
this moved me the most, thank you
Grey Skies
Submitted by His BiPolar Partner on
ADHDers are in constant need of stimulation and will provoke arguments to get it. I get it daily. Being bipolar, I've got a REALLY low nervous tolerance for stress and relationship strife.
I've been with my partner 2 and a half years and it's like living with a child. Romantically, I am losing interest in him because I feel like a parent. He does not work. He has only just now applied to make an appointment at a clinic specializing in Adult ADHD. His temper is off the hook. He is sloppy. I have to remind him to clean under his fingernails. He plays with action figures and gets petulant and indignant when I don't pay attention to him 100% of he time. He behaves inappropriately on occassion. He totally disregards others' personal space and comes on way too strong. I'm afraid to take him anywhere. Much of this behaviour began to amplify about a year ago.
I am bipolar and I am at the end of my rope. I cannot continue on the road to my wellness and deal with his issues. If I had ANY clue what ADHD was all about, I would have headed for the hills, pronto. Now, I'm stuck with someone who is incapable of holding down a job and tells me I'm the moody bitch and he can't help it blah blah. He hasn't read one word on ADHD or symptom management: "you know I can't read a lot of words because of my ADHD..." I feel I'm obligated to hold him up. That's not love. And I'm resenting the daylights out of him.
I'm sick of the excuses. I've battled upward from my disability, with pain and difficulty, with medication, psychiatry and being on LTD for over a year and just returned to work and I come home to someone who behaves like a puppy at the door and doesn't understand why I want to be left alone for a little downtime. I pay for virtually everything. That includes going out. I'm sick of taking myself and him out to dinner. I really get a sense of entitlement from him. He gets angry when I say 'my apartment' - it's in my name, I make the payments. Somehow, it's supposed to be magically his too, but he'll throw a fit if, when he asks if he can do anything while I'm cleaning, I say the bathroom. He's careless with my property. He has no concept of the value or cost of things. He's just supposed to "get."
Sometimes I love him so much and other times I want to shove him out the door and wish I'd never met him. Most of the time, I want to cry and hide from the rest of the world because I'm so damned unhappy and ashamed because his idea of contributing is panhandling for cigarettes or making a run to the foodbank at the end of the month when we run short.
Ladies, never get with a man thinking you'll "fix" or "change" him if he thinks there's not a damned thing wrong.
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
There's a lot I saw, and still do see, in him but the balance isn't right. I am losing faith that it will ever be there.
there's no better advice than this
Submitted by brendab on
"Ladies, never get with a man thinking you'll "fix" or "change" him if he thinks there's not a damned thing wrong."
My ex boyfriend and I still email and I decided to start sending him information on ADD, just informative things or things from my perspective from the year long relationship. I wanted to find out if he would acknowledge just the remote possibility that he should get evaluated.
Bottom line after two weeks, he says for me to put away any suggestion he might be ADD. He didn't want to read or hear anymore. This was my last effort to reach him in a proactive way. I respect his choice to stay in denial, but I am done trying to help someone who doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. it is everyone else, every close family relationship, every friendship and every working relationship that causes him problems. The comment by BiPolar Partner is clear and undeniable.
brenda