Here's an odd question for the spouses: Have any of you "caught" some of your spouse's ADD behaviors?
When I first met my husband, I was self-sufficient, poised, on top of things, confident, organized, and capable. I wasn't perfect--there was (and is!) tons of room for improvement, and my stress level was pretty high--but I was doing well in my career, I wasn't frantic, I socialized often and successfully, etc.
While I was with my ADD husband, all of that melted away. Now, I observe myself and notice that I've "caught" some of his behavior patterns! I didn't use to let things go to the last minute, forget things, let things "slide" (and not in a good way!), and I can't always finish following through on the details (something I used to be *very* good at). I've been a detail-oriented person my whole life--except for the last few years! I catch myself doing ADD things, and have these "whoa--what???" moments.
It's like a contact high, and I'm *really* not enjoying this trip! I spoke with my therapist about this, and she said that she's heard of this happening, but I'd like to know if anyone here has experienced this first-hand. How long did it take you to get back to your "normal" once you noticed what was going on? I should reiterate that I'm separated from my husband, so I don't have his behavior here to reinforce these new habits.
oh yeah, I've got it! It's
Submitted by Clarity on
oh yeah, I've got it! It's very frustrating as I was also once very confident, detail oriented and efficient. I don't know if it's my hormones, my age or just a bad attitude. Reminds me of the old saying, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! (That's how old I am, who says that anymore?)
Over the years, one of my coping strategies has been to not care so deeply about things like schedules, broken promises etc. to minimize the amount of frustration and hurt that I was constantly dealing with but, not caring seems to have spread into other areas such as I don't care if I remember something or not, I don't care what my ADD man says, I don't care if I have to sell our wedding bands for cash. I just don't care about anything anymore and that attitude seems to have created lazy habits in my thought patterns. Ugh! Just an observation.
But I sure do feel like I have ADD myself at times and recall reading somewhere that the behaviors of ADD are common to us all, it's just that those behaviors are chronic with ADD. Which is a small consolation. I've been ruminating about my situation and that could be distracting. There are many people close to me with ADD and it's like I'm being absorbed into this ADD land, what kind of ADD magnet am I? It's much better when I'm not around him or the house and really should get out more...
It would be good to know if I could get back to "normal", I'm guessing it's going to take a conscious mental effort to resist and maybe a little sudoku game to exercise the brain...
Yes, I am glad you brought
Submitted by Jeannie on
Yes, I am glad you brought this up. I used to always be early to things. Now I find I push the envelope and arrive either exactly on time or a few minutes late. It doesn't bother me like it used to. I also get distracted easier. Start to do something. Think of something else that needs to be done. Start to do that. I don't know...maybe it is old age...or maybe we have mellowed a bit. Or maybe we become like those around us even a little bit. I spent more of my life living with my (ex) husband than I have anyone else, including my parents or my children. I do notice, however, unlike my ex, I seem to be able to catch myself doing these things and refocus in a timely fashion. I know that my short term memory loss (caused by excessive stress) has virtuely disappeared since I've been without him.
reply to Clarity
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Oh Boy! I know I don't have it but sometimes it sure feels like it.
I was the same way, confident, detail oriented and efficient. I believe it is a little bit of everything you mentioned, all rolled into one. I, too, remember that old saying and I think in some ways I've done just that. Mainly to keep my sanity.
I used to be a very caring person, like you, but finally came to the conclusion that the frustration and hurt was making me sick. So, I have already taken steps to get back to normal. I don't care about anything anymore, either. That was my life changing step, to realize that I was too caring and was never going to get that in return. I do have to make an effort to resist sometimes but it gets easier everyday.
I do hope you can get there, too.
Thanks for sharing newf
Submitted by Clarity on
It's crazy what we have to do to cope and I don't think that it's healthy for us. I'm not living my best life here and something needs to change!
Seems like the confidence was the first to go before I started accommodating these chronic behaviors I've had to "deal with" for so long. Hard to stay confident when ADD is always pissed and calling you names. When ya' get older you don't have the energy to defend yourself and still pick up the slack and fix everything constantly. I've had doctors telling me that I've been doing too much most of my life, and I've had to find ways to minimize the stress but, I've been on my own as to how.
I think that I chose to accept this contact ADD as a coping strategy. I don't like that I don't care if I get out or a friend calls or I miss an outing. The apathy seems to have only led to depression and hopelessness which I have been resisting for months now. I should be happy that my ADD man is at a point where he's remorseful and making an effort to do the right thing, and maybe it's my heart of stone but, I really don't care anymore!
ADD has been way too big in my life, I need to resist and find myself again...
Here! Here!
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Here! Here!
I've Got it Too
Submitted by jgf on
At first I thought it was just because we have three small children (ages 5,3 and 1). And I'm sure that has something to do with it. But looking back, I see that I started acting like my ADHD husband well before we had children. As my youngest gets older, I feel like I can get back to my "normal" self (whatever that is). I think that it is a coping mechanism. I've altered how I think so as not to be stressed out all the time. Some things I'm very willing to alter my thinking on a lot - such as what the definition of "clean house" is. I'm learning to let go of the thought that my house will be spotless. Other things I'm not at all willing to alter my thinking - such as letting bills slide (not acceptable to me). At first it was odd for me to be less organized and neat. I guess I'm used to it now -- and not sure whether I like that or not.
Big Virtual Hug for all of you
Submitted by Laurie1213 on
I wish that I could give each of you a hug. It feels so good to have others understand what you've been going through. I used to be extremely punctual. Tardiness was my number 1 pet peeve. But, to keep the peace at home (and because I got too tired) I stopped pushing so hard for us to be on time to events. My 4 year old has even noticed. She'll say, "how come daddy always has to go back into the house when we're ready to go". Or, when we're going to a movie or show she'll repeatedly tell me "mommy I want to be on time because I don't want to miss anything". I've also had to accept a messy house even though it still stresses me out. At some point you just have to choose your battles. I had to put a clean house on a lower list of priorities. It's sad!
I see ADD traits in my non-ADD wife
Submitted by Dan on
I have ADHD, my story is here http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/find-volunteer-slapper-your-husband-and-reason
Yes, I see my non-ADHD wife has picked up ADHD traits just by being around me... One is cutting people off when talking. It's now hard for me to finish a sentence without her jumping in or taking over what I'm trying to say, else turn the conversation into something different from what I wanted to say. Today, I acknowledge that I did this interrupting, so I try to slow down and listen more, think, and then talk when need to.... but my wife is now doing the unconscious interrupting. It's just one of a several ADHD traits she has picked up... but if I point it out to her, she'll get angry and deny it (just like I did when I didn't know and before I accepted I had ADHD), so I just need to let it go and hopefully she'll stop on her own.
hard to avoid catching
Submitted by arwen on
Oh yeah, absolutely. The minute you decide you have to relax your standards, you begin to internalize an acceptance of those behaviors, not just for your spouse, but for everybody in the family, including yourself. It's sometimes too painful to do anything else -- to keep the higher standards yourself and yet tolerate the inability for other family members to meet them is like rubbing salt in a wound every day. And after all, "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander" -- if you can forgive the ADD behaviors for another family member, why not for yourself?
Initially I said to myself, "well, he has a good reason and I don't". But as a non-ADD spouse, you are typically overworked, overstressed and in serious need of some "give" in your day-to-day activity. So you begin to forgive yourself for not putting stuff away, for not finding time to organize, for not getting things done on time -- your reason may not be the same as your spouse's, but it's still "a good reason" (you tell yourself). For me, it spilled over into my job as well -- definitely *not* a good thing. I wasn't able to halt and reverse the gradual degradation of my behaviors until I was separated from my husband several years ago, and I'm still not where I think I should be in my behaviors. I'm still too inclined to procrastinate, to be less organized than I know I can and need to be, to let myself get sidetracked by trivia. And for me, it's more of a problem when I'm around my husband than when I'm not.
These days, I continue to make progress in turning this around, but it's definitely an uphill battle.
i was just talking about this the other day!
Submitted by happycamper13 on
yep. until i found this site, i thought i was "ruining" him with all my shortcomings. i believed the years of his blame that said if i was more organized, if i was more motivated, if i was more sexual, if i would just listen and buy into his ideas more, life would be as we imagined. the chaos we entered, i thought, was a mirror shining back my own disfunction, uncovered by attempts to integrate my life with another's.
then i found this site and felt somewhat relieved. then i got a chance to try life on my own, with my new baby, for a while. and you know what? turns out i'm the same highly functional, problematic, relaxed, lovable person i'd been before him, with a clean sink and calmer nerves. maybe that's the best lesson i'm getting out of this recent, and hopefully, temporary separation...that i am indeed the person i thought i was and that i can handle a lot. i keep reading that ADHD is so hard to understand because it presents as just a bunch of normal behavioral weaknesses, exaggerated and present all at the same time. so, yeah, i still read these posts and wonder about myself sometimes.
ADHD seems like it can rub off on you!
Submitted by Almost Over Now on
Oh wow yes. I'm so glad to see everyone's postings here because I was starting to analyze my own childhood and history, wondering if the red flags for ADHD were there because I've been acting so much like my ADHD spouse.
Things he does that I never used to do before, but have become part of me over the years of being with him:
cutting people off, jumping to conclusions (intellectual shortcuts), difficulty concentrating, difficulty with short-term memory, distracted constantly, speeding, procrastination, low standards for everything, social isolation, laziness and sleeping in later, total lack of motivation.
I'm a doc student and while my mind always used to be filled with ideas and thoughts, and I had excellent verbal skills to express these things with, and could argue and reason clearly... nowadays my mind is nearly blank when it isn't completely absorbed with solving the problems in our relationship. I struggle enormously to express my ideas at the level I have to at conference presentations or in class because it's so hard to focus and my mind goes blank trying to find the words I need. It makes job interviews tough, too.
Part of me thinks it's a combo of exhaustion from doing the work of two people in the relationship, coupled with depression and the coping strategies that some of you mentioned above. It's definitely impacted my work ethic and what I see as my character. I'm looking forward to building that back up gradually now that I'm separated from him.
his tolerance
Submitted by ccompton on
I can see where some of his ADDness has rubbed off on me but I have to correct it immediately because he is not very tolerant of other people's shortcomings. Pretty hipocritical, I think.