I'm not saying that anyone else's life or situation is like mine but maybe other people can relate or maybe it will give a new perspective? I don't know. I hope this is helpful. I'm still FAR from perfect and have A LOT of work on but I'm so much happier in my life now so I just wanted to share a bit of my story with you all. I am 25-year-old (F) who has been with my ADHD partner (M) for 10 years.
LESSON #1) He is not broken and I don't need to fix him.
My hubby and I have been together since we were teens so his messiness, irresponsibility, laziness, etc. etc. pretty much went unnoticed by me or I noticed it but thought it was just funny/not a big deal at that age. But as we got older I, of course, expected more from him. I have to say, though, that as a teen boy my hubby DID make efforts to clean his room whenever I would come over to his house. To me, it wasn't my personal definition of clean but I knew it was clean for HIM and I thought it was really sweet and cute that we would do that for me on his own accord and I liked his room just fine.
Once we moved in together, though, living with a messy person was tough for me. He was a person who kept used dishes around all around his room and even under his bed (too lazy to put his dishes in the sink) while I was a person who is/was obsessed with keeping things clean and smelling nice. I need my environment to look pretty in order for me to be happy. This is a big deal for me!!! I tried everything I could think of to get him to change his messy ways. We talked, we split the chores, (and when that didn't work) we argued, I threatened to leave him a few times over it...
Safe to say that none of it worked.
He would usually clean up after we got into big arguments over the mess and he would tell me that he wants to be clean and he wants to have a clean home but it was difficult for him. Every once in a blue moon, he would clean up on his own once the mess got really big, (at this point I wasn't willing to do more than my fair share of the housework) but it wasn't enough for me. I was still unhappy even after he would take out the 4,5,6 bags of trash from the outside hallway and even after he washed the mountain of dishes in the kitchen sink because I knew that it wouldn't be long before there'd be brand new mountains of trash in the hallway, stacks of dishes in the sink, piles of clothes all over the house etc. etc. all over again. I was desperate for CONSISTENCY.
It hurt him a lot that his efforts were not fully appreciated by me. Even though oftentimes I would smile and thank him... there were still this underlying feeling of NOT GOOD ENOUGH and he could feel that even without my saying hurtful/discouraging words. And of course, many times I would still give him an attitude and/or tell him things like: keep it up, don't let it get so messy next time etc. etc. etc. (i.e lecture, complain, nag)
I had to go through a lot of embarrassment along the way as well....flies in the hallway because of the trash, not wanting anyone to come over to see the mess - at one point my mom and sister came knocking on my door and they could tell that we were home but I just tried to play it off and I tried to make it seem like nobody was home because I was too ashamed to answer the door. I knew they would just barge right in as soon as I turned the knob. If I knew they were coming ( I lived a little over an hour away from them) I CERTAINLY would have cleaned everything but it was a surprise visit. My mom actually got so scared that I didn't answer the door that she went to the police station in tears worried sick about me! OMG! That was a very very bad decision on my part I felt so bad about that.
Eventually, I decided that If I wanted to have a clean home I would have to do it myself. So, many times, I did everything and instead of building mountains of trash together...
We built mountains of RESENTMENT instead. </3
I didn't realize it at the time but I defiantly thought that (and I was acting like) Miss Clean Girl (me) was better than Mister Messy Boy (him), and he either needed help from my BRILLIANT-BEYOND-BRILLIANT AMAZING SELF or he just needed to figure it out and get his MESSY LAZY SELF together. (OMFG RUDE MUCH???)
It took me years to realize that I was thinking and acting this way. I had to realize that being a messy person is not a crime. Tidy people are not better than messier people. If I want to be with him and live with him, I cannot be with him thinking about "I'll be happy with him when he changes." I realized that if I could not be happy with him the way he is RIGHT NOW and if could not accept and appreciate him the way he is RIGHT NOW then we probably shouldn't be together. I always thought that if he loved me he would do something so "SIMPLE" as to clean up after himself (even if it was hard for him) and he wouldn't force me to do all the work either....I thought I was asking for something so simple and reasonable, but I didn't think so much about his perspective through all my efforts to "help" him. I was really thinking about me and what I wanted and how I felt - which is OKAY but it's not okay to ONLY think about myself or to MOSTLY think about myself or to pretty much dismiss his side of the story.
He deserves someone who will be happy with him regardless. He should not be with someone who would make him consistently feel NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Even if he wanted to be with me while I made him feel so bad about being messy/irresponsible -
I did not feel comfortable with MYSELF treating him this way even if I thought my requests were reasonable.
I wanted for us both to feel happy, loved, cherished, accepted, appreciated...I wanted us both to feel like a CATCH. I wanted us to feel MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH. I wanted for us both to feel as though anyone would be lucky to have one of us as their lover/partner/friend etc. And I wanted us both to feel that way about one another. We both said horrible things to one another, we both made huge mistakes, we both treated each other like dirt so many times.
(All of this drama might seem quite dramatic over someone being "messy" but as I'm sure many of you all can imagine, this "messiness" and my taking on more than my fair share of the work didn't only come with household chores. His work life was messy, his finances were messy, we had children at a young age as well and I felt that I did most of the work there too unless I wanted to argue and "force" him to do his part. Everything I am saying about the messy of the house applies across the board if that makes sense. The trouble between us just STARTED from the messy house and grew from there in my eyes.)
So I thought what should we do? I can only be responsible for myself and I cannot use him and his lifestyle choices as an excuse to be rude, mean, disrespectful etc. etc. etc. I can't expect him to change for me and I realized that I didn't even want him to change for me or for my happiness. I wanted for him to be happy with himself. And changes he did make, I wanted for him to change on his own time and at his own pace for himself as he saw fit. I realized that I didn't even want him to change at all. I just wanted him to be himself and give him room to GROW into the person that HE aims to be.
Aha! Finally starting to learn what love and respect actually is.
I had to realize that he was genuine when he told me his wants - "I want to be more responsible. I want to be clean. I want to be an amazing father. etc. etc. etc." <-- If this WASN'T the case, if he really didn't care about these sorts of things I couldn't be with him. If I honestly FELT like he didn't care about any of these things I had NO BUSINESS being with him. I made it seem like and I made him feel like HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT THOSE THINGS. Huge mistake on my part. I had to realize that his wants were REAL and TRUE and I had to treat him accordingly. I had to realize that his ADHD and the stress/pressure that I put him under in his life made it SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT FOR HIM to achieve his goals. I was actually harming and not helping.
I no longer wanted to be a person who made his life harder. I didn't want him to feel like a bad person or make him feel as if he and his efforts were not good enough for me. Those were never my intentions. I really thought that I was helping. I thought I was doing the right thing but I was just doing it in the wrong way. I honestly thought that if I repeated myself enough times, or found just the right words and explained it in just the right way, if I "helped him" enough, a magical change would happen (WRONG!). But even my "talking nicely to him", making "plans with him" and all my other brilliant ideas didn't work and it didn't help. Without meaning to, I made it seem as if I was the good one and he was the bad one. I made it seem as if I was the helper and he's was the unappreciative jerk who needed more help that I could give...I felt like my heart was in the right place but I was VERY WRONG. I'm not a religious person but as the saying goes:
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
DAMN! I felt like a hideous monster at this point. By basically painting him out to be a horrible monster I actually made a monster out of MYSELF. My goodness! At this point, I couldn't even understand why he stayed with me all this time. I felt that I had so MUCH more growing to do as a person than he did. I realized that he is the person who was actually teaching and INSPIRING ME to be a better person. He did this by being HIMSELF not by FORCING ME or by trying to get me to change or having "nice little talks with me". I mean, he did try to defend himself many times (in NOT NICE WAYS) and called me out on my bad behavior - but I wasn't hearing it because I justified my hurtful words and cruel behavior by blaming it on his "poor" choices and lack of action that caused me so much pain, frustration, and hardship.
I broke my own heart when I realized what I had done to him.
Then I thought well, WHAT SHOULD I DO THEN? I realize that he is his own person, he is an adult, he has a good heart, he has good intentions, he loves me, he loves his family, he has the right to make his own choices, he deserves to feel good about himself, he deserves to not feel judged by his partner, he deserves love, happiness and respect. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I wanted to feel SECURE in my life (financially and with our children), I wanted to have a clean home and to keep a certain standard of living, I wanted to be with someone who was there for me emotionally and physically, I wanted to share my life with someone and have FUN with them. I felt so much stress and pressure to do everything and to be everything to everyone that I couldn't have fun anymore...I lost myself. I wanted to be HAPPY and to feel good TOO. I am IMPORTANT TOO!!!
This is the story of the start of MY OWN personal breakthrough. The first steps were realizing MY OWN PERSONAL MISTAKES. Recognizing the love of my life as THE PERSON HE IS and not as the person that I painted him out to be just because he wasn't doing WHAT I PERSONALLY WANTED him to do or what I personally thought he SHOULD be doing. This is the beginning of me recognizing that we are BOTH good people with FLAWS who deserve LOVE, HAPPINESS, SECURITY, and RESPECT! And that's all we were both really looking for - not just me - both of us. Duh! c:
In a new post, I will write about the changes that I have made in myself that have helped to create a better relationship and better environment for my hubby and me to grow in our relationship!
View from the other side
Submitted by LateDiagnosis on
You do not know how much I needed this!
Your story sounds exactly like my wife and I. I am in your husband's shoes, as I am the ADHD partner. The way you describe the way you treated your husband, and your view into realizing his side hit the nail on the head. My wife reacts in the same manner toward my "issues," and I feel just like you description of his feelings. If my wife had realized this already, I would almost swear you were her.
I was diagnosed shortly after turning 38, 9 years after meeting my wife, and 5.5yrs being married. The hardest point to get across to her, is trying to have her realize that it's hard to completely change routine, processes, and habits that you've had for almost 40yrs in any kind of "acceptable" time frame. In her eye, I should want to be better and make things easier (for both of us). Like your husband, I do want to, but sometimes it's flipping ridiculously hard.
Have I made mistakes worthy of her anger, hurt feelings, and busted pride? Yes, but I admit to those, and have busted my rear to rectify those things. But as for the things directly affected by ADHD, I feel like a failure, like someone who is never good enough, like a lost cause, like a loser, like a charity case, like a child. It SUCKS to not be able to do something a 4 year old could do at times. It SUCKS to not be able to handle a simple task that you could do without issue just last week.
I will stop here, as this is bringing me to tears because it's so close to my story. Know that I'm not crying because it hurts me to read this, but because I know there is hope. Hope that my wife can see what you have seen, and our relationship can be saved before it's too late. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this...it was very much needed to be seen by me (and hopefully my wife somehow). I am eagerly awaiting Part 2 to see where it can go from here.
Hi LD.
Submitted by Island-Girl23 on
I'm so happy to hear that my post has helped you in some sort of way. I have to admit, I cried a few times while writing this as well. I feel very embarrassed of myself for the way that I've acted towards and have treated the man I love for so so long. I cannot express how happy I am that he's stayed with me through it all and that he gave me the time I needed to be able to learn and to grow from my mistakes. I still have much to learn, I'll never be done growing.
If the roles were reversed, I don't know if I could have withstood all the pain I caused him. I can only imagine the strength it takes to endure such heartache from someone who is meant to love you. </3
For years, I have lurked on this forum and while I feel empathetic and understanding of the "side" of fellow Non-ADHD partners and their (our) need to vent, express, relate...at the same time though, I mean, reading our side of the story is a hard! If people were talking this way about me it would hurt me a lot even if it were "true". We are only human after all. I don't know if I'd have the strength to stay with a partner who would describe me in such ways.... And yet I've said those types of hurtful things to my partners FACE time and time again, thinking that it was okay because "I was right" & thought that it would help him. It hurts me to imagine how much pain I have been causing him all this time.
(I hope my fellow Non-ADHD partners can understand where I'm coming from when I say that. I'm definitely not judging anyone or trying to invalidate anyone's feelings or trying to minimize their situation. I totally relate to SO MUCH of what other Non-ADHD partners have expressed on this forum. I fully understand that we Non-ADHD partners have been through a lot too! So I'm not trying to offend anyone or trying to make it seem as if I am better than anyone either. So please forgive me if it across that way.)
The hardest part was learning to forgive myself. I finally have been able to forgive myself but it still hurts me at times to think about it all. On a brighter note, though, my hubby and I are actually happy together now, it's like night and day. It's like we're in limerence again c:. He not only tells me that he loves me (as he always has), but he tells me that he's IN love with me just as much and I feel the same. <3
Like I said, I've been a lurker on this forum off and on for years and I have learned SO MUCH from this forum/site. So I really wanted to share my story with you all in hopes that it could somehow help others in the way that your stories have helped me. I will be writing Part 2 as soon as I get the chance.
IG-23
Submitted by c ur self on
Same here, exact same....after trying to live as a partner to a wife w/ a mind that was effected so much by Add, I basically hated her way of living life...It was so intrusive, I had to give up my life (I thought) to try and cover both our responsibilities. I felt so used, and unappreciated, I got angry, bitter, and resentful. It overwhelmed me to a point that I was much more of the problem than her Add...All I could see was what wasn't acceptable, and why no cared I was drowning...I was the worst kind of a Victim:(
Like you also, it's so much better on both sides now...Still not a lot of closeness, but, respect is creeping back, and we both understand the others realities a little better...I just hope we can continue to grow and settle into a life of understanding, with no denial....It will take patients on my part and humility on both of our part..
C
I just found this site
Submitted by Tylo on
I just found this site yesterday and have spent hours already reading thru posts. This is the first thing that has actually given me any sense of hope. For the passed 18 years I have been the partner of a wife with ADD. We loved each other once but for so long now we have both been miserable. I can relate to much of what you've said and can't believe the maturity you have at only 25 y/o. I look forward to reading the rest of your story and desperately hope the attitudes and strategies you have applied will be of help to us. Thank you for sharing.