Hi,
This is my first post. I've been reading the posts of others and have found them very helpful. My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD and naturally we are having some difficulties. I'm having a hard time with his need to call ADHD a gift and not work on the impairments. He was diagnosed in November because he set up an appointment with a clinic. I suppose I should have known it was going to be difficult because he keeps telling counsellors and doctors I wanted to get him diagnosed and on medication. I did present the idea that he had ADHD to him and we talked about how medication is one of the treatments but he seems to have rewritten our conversations. I hear that is a part of ADHD which is also hard for me to keep taking because I know he actually believes things I've never said.
Is there any way to help our conversations be truthful? Is this something an ADHD counsellor can address? He's a very convincing talker with others and most people, except for his family, believe him. Will an ADHD counsellor catch on?
Hello, Redhead,
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Hello, Redhead,
I'm glad you're here. I agree with your post title. As you describe him, your husband doesnt sound ready for therapy. This may be a time, instead, for you to get some on your own, for yourself. If he received the diagnosis in November, that denial that it is anything but a gift may be some grieving on his part. People grieve more than deaths and divorces. If he accepts that he has ADHD, he also has to accept that he is someone other than what he previously thought he was. Loss of former identity, in transitional unknowing about who he is.
He may spend the rest of his life stuck in denial and evasion of seeing himself, and once seeing himself, taking responsibility for himself, his actions and the impact of ADHD on others. People with and without ADHD can get stuck in denial. But it has only been since November that he's had to deal with professional diagnosis, which is hard to rationalize back into non existence. I checked my memory of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grieving. You can go to grief.com to read them. The first on the list is denial. If I remember well enough, people who grieve cycle through the stages, grief, anger, bargaining, etc until they have made it through the life passage of letting go of the past and accepting the present. People grieve their new realities of loss, in their own ways. And can get stuck. Take a look and see what you think. It doesnt sound, if he's only recognising the gift of ADHD, not the work of fully knowing himself or working with you on the relation, that he's ready for marital counseling
in the meantime, since you dont know when it will be that he can or will move into a spot in which he can tackle changing anything in himself, what about you? I've tried twice to initiate therapy for myself with people who announce on their websites that they are knowledgeable about ADHD, but in both cases, it seemed they were pretty lacking. If you think to get some counseling help because your wellbeing cant be skipped, or put on hold by his ADHD, my opinion at the moment is that although it is big as an elephant in your daily life, get a counselor willing and able to help you, as you are. I believe what several people often write on this site, that the only person you and I can change is ourselves. If you're a person inclined to help others first, it's not easy to accept that.
I appreciate your question about truth telling. About all I've figured out is that I need to tell the truth myself, be kind in doing it, and neither walk on eggshells nor cease to tell the truth. I dont accept it if he tries to tell me I said or thought something that I didnt, but I dont make a big fuss about it. He's responsible for what he says, thinks and does. Sometimes mine truly mishears, I dont know why, maybe his thoughts at the moment are more powerful in him than his ability to recognise spoken words.
Take some extra care of yourself while your husband is in such denial. There's no reason to wait for him on that
Thank you! Your post was
Submitted by Redhead5 on
Thank you! Your post was extremely helpful to read. Just knowing that someone can connect with what I'm saying and experiencing in my marriage is a huge relief. Knowing there is validation for what I'm seeing and feeling.
The waiting game is a difficult one. I want to be with him through everything in life, for us to grow and learn together but we are at very different points of acceptance on this one which holds back helping him and our marriage. But you are right. I need to take care of myself. I have gone to counseling to help with anxiety that has developed for me. While I've made several changes in other areas of my life, I know there is still a good amount of stress in the patterns and symptoms that ADHD has brought into our lives. With your advice, I do need to search for a counselor who understands ADHD. While my last one helped me a great deal, I definitely know what is happening in our marriage is more than a difference in personalities.
I absolutely find it difficult to take care of myself without losing my connection with my husband. Finding that balance will be a challenge for me. But as time goes on, seems necessary.
This statement by you that he has to "accept that he is someone other than what he previously thought he was" really made an impression. Taking a moment (or several) to remember this for me is something I need to do more regularly. And I see this as one of his biggest obstacles. He's a remarkable man in so many ways. But he has struggled with his admission. Without knowing why, it's been his coping mechanism to blame others for getting him "in trouble" as he puts it.
We had an unexpected breakthrough yesterday though. For the life of me I wish I knew how we got there. We had an amazing conversation where he actually thought more deeply what was happening between us rather than I'm mad and he can't do anything right. Coming on these forums to read about how the responses and support of non-ADHD spouses helped me work on how I could be receptive to what he started to realize. I was able to use proper terms and actual facts about the reality of ADHD in our interactions instead of trying to express my feelings in a positive way like all the other books and marriage articles say to do. It's different with ADHD. I'm learning that too. Anyway, he was able to connect with what I was saying for one of the first times without feeling like I was judging him or criticizing him or wanting to change him. And for the first time he found a book on his own about ADHD and emotions. It was miraculous to see. And he expressed gratitude for our conversation. He admitted that he wouldn't have made those connections without our talk. One step forward on this journey is very encouraging to me!
Yes he will; he see's it everyday!
Submitted by c ur self on
Many who have adhd or very intelligent, and are experts at assigning intent ( hearing what they want to here)...My wife is the same has your husband... It seems to be born out of the constant fear of having to be responsible for their true actions and intrusive life style....It's the victim mentality; anything they can do to not talk about their reality and be accountable for it... They have to make it someone's else's fault to survive.....
C
Bingo!....You have put into
Submitted by jennalemone on
Bingo!....You have put into words exactly what is happening here.
"It seems to be born out of the constant fear of having to be responsible for their true actions and intrusive life style....It's the victim mentality; anything they can do to not talk about their reality and be accountable for it... They have to make it someone's else's fault to survive....."
Thanks for putting it into words.
And I am guilty of having a victim mentality too. Praying for a miracle but not daring to affect a painful change.
He is very intellectual!
Submitted by Redhead5 on
He is very intellectual! Which is possibly a hindrance to his understanding. He usually has a response to what I'm feeling or saying that is not what I'm feeling or saying. He has made his own judgments based on what he knows in an intellectual and ADHD way. He's just not aware of how its ADHD thinking I think. We are also different and it's very difficult for him to understand or even connect to my perspective. I think him understanding his reality is key. I don't know if it's fear for him. He tells he truly doesn't understand sometimes. Or he truly thinks he's right in his assumptions. When he gets in a bad place though, negative thoughts and blaming others does come out. Everyone else has issues, everyone else keeps getting him in trouble, everyone else needs to control themselves better.
How do you deal with it when this kind of talk/thinking goes on?
Silence is Golden when the blaming starts......
Submitted by c ur self on
Well it's quiet fruitless to continue trying to have a conversation when one or both can't own their own stuff....When this denial and blaming stuff starts up (a closed mind, that is unable to hear) it's best that I just walk away....If I don't this is what happens....I try verbally to get her to see what she is doing, Not taking responsibility for her own actions and by then she is interrupting (saying my tone is bad or my facial expression is bad, or I'm to loud anything to distract from her hearing she needs to own her own actions) and we start talking on top of one another...It just turns a beautiful blessed day into a sour one of discomfort for our relationship...The mole hill effectively becomes mount Everest....So to answer your question I walk away when I'm wise...And continue to press for peace when I'm a fool....I'm too often the later:(
C
I want a way through this...
Submitted by Redhead5 on
I have done the walking away and have stayed to talk. He doesn't like it when I walk away which I can understand and I'm afraid it will hurt the marriage. But when I stay to talk he gets overwhelmed with what I'm saying (the truth) and shuts down. This is our cycle. We're seeing a counsellor and I'm starting to recognize this pattern. He was able to tell me in counselling that he needs me to stay calm. I'm working on that but even if I'm calm he gets overwhelmed with the truth. And the counselor just started working on telling him he needs to work on putting aside his feelings and hear what I have to stay. I'm not sure that part made an impression on him yet. Is there success with helping him realize this? He's very put out whenever I bring something up but I know 100% it's worse for us and our marriage if I don't.
He usually has a response to
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Redhead, you said, He usually has a response to what I'm feeling or saying that is not what I'm feeling or saying. ...or she
This comes up on this board over and over again. It apparently is happening in a lot of relationships.
One thing to add here.....
Submitted by c ur self on
One other thing to consider here Redhead is that some adhd spouses are insulted by your very living of life. If you seem to be a person who moves through life responsibly and smoothly that can be offensive to them. They may dodge your presents...It is very difficult (especially if they have practiced poor habits) for their minds to view life in the way you might, or think they should be able to. We tend to call it being self absorbed. They seem void of feelings and the ability to show empathy for anyone but themselves (victim). It doesn't mean they do not love you, and live faithfully to you....
The things I've noticed about this type mind is they will spend a lot of time trying to prove themselves to you...They have a big need for affirmation from you, when they make these efforts. They will also turn to competing or looking for things you may not do well (even to the degree of hyper-focus) and throw it up to you as a way to promote their own self esteem....And lastly assigning intent....They will read your responsible actions (assign motive) as you trying to make them look bad. Sadly they can do these things almost unaware of it at times...
These are just a few road blocks to communication that may help you if you understand it going in. They may not be hearing or interpreting your actions in the way they are meant.....
C
I have a hard time
Submitted by Redhead5 on
I have a hard time understanding the lack of feelings. I honestly do. He can be very excited or passionate about things or have quick flashes of anger or frustration. But those moments where he is absolutely void of emotion are so hard for me. We are fairly certain they are when he's flooded. And we are fairly certain it's because he doesn't know what to do with something I bring to him. He keeps trying to make this my issue but I know I'm allowed feelings and I'm allowed to bring things up. I guess I have to work harder with the counselor to help him see at the time it's his inability to manage his emotions.