I wanted to make a post around things that I have come to understand from the learning process I have gone through too date. This is more of just a summary and conclusions I have arrived to in my own thinking and applying them to my own experience. I thought about posting this in the section for couple seminar participants (as my wife and I am just coming to the end of) since I am applying a lot of the things that Melissa has provided there in the out line of the course itself.
These are not all new discoveries or things I've just learned......but rather the culmination of many things and putting them all together in a consolidated form. For that reason....I am doing this in the same format as Melissa has presented it in outline form without explaining all the reasons I have to support my claims. I'm laughing a little here in my thought process in how I am approaching this based on something that made me laugh (hard).... that Melissa made apparent to us (live during a session) when she told us that she was about to the do the most egregious thing a researcher could do .....which was to take another persons material....and rewriting it to fit her own agenda in the course she designed. Having said that......I totally get what she meant by that.......artistic license is the mother of invention! Nothing new under the sun anyway as they say....just a different way of presenting it all things considered. I said "artistic" license...not "autistic" license just to be sure! That's a joke by the way( as it is lol) ...as in ADHD symptoms being like autism in a lot of ways......that means me here not anyone else! (whew)
Anyway....for what it is worth...... I'm putting this in the hope and inspiration section from the success my wife and I have had in getting to this point together. As I am seeing it....we've successfully moved right in to the transition stage where before....... nothing was happening but just more of the same....to now actually communicating out needs and expectations of one another and learning how to negotiate and compromise.
Working back wards from compromise going back to no compromise ie: hopelessness, anger and frustration....it makes it easy to recap the process and retrace the steps we've taken to get to this point. What I've learned from going through this to this point....tells me I will need to revisit this page again and add more to it later when we reach that point and include what is missing later on.
That not only includes those who have ADHD...but those who are experiencing the problems that this creates for them and how they respond or react to these problems.
Definition of Terms and Outline (working backwards in time and movement from how to get what you want (compromise).... and what you want at the end of the day. (Intimacy)
Compromise = meeting the other person half way more often than not. If you are always giving too much in one direction (or giving past the half way point going in the other direction) on either side....no one wins and both people remain unhappy.
Expectations = Are created by Fear which leads us to believe things that are not necessarily true if we experience disappointment and the pain this produces in us because others have failed to meet the ones we have of them.
Fear of compromise = is the cause for not doing it.
This kind of fear is really the fear of giving up more than you have already given (past tense)..... and there is only so much left to give (now or in the future) This fear is really from believing you won't get your needs met and it comes from a selfish way of thinking. Taking rather than giving ......also comes from this way of thinking as well.
Fear = Comes from the experience of the past, but it is always applied to the future before you have experienced it.
Scarcity = Also comes as a result of this Fear.... which creates a self fulfilling prophecy which emerges as a side effect from this state and this happens to you every time you use this fear to guide you in making decisions that govern your actions. Taking more than you give ......also comes from this way of thinking as well.
Denial = A means of self protection from hurt and emotional pain. - Fear, shame and the inability to compromise, and inability to relate or understand others feelings all fall under the heading of denial.
Shame = The experience of emotional pain and hurt which says..... it's all me (a self imposed judgment). No one can shame you unless you believe it's all you and no one else.
- That...instead of seeing the things you do as just related to many things and variables that may have a legitimate reason or extenuating circumstance for most of them...as long as you have the ability to understand them and you are armed with enough information ahead of time to either communicate them accurately to another person and see them for what they are on the listening or receiving end of it. If that is really the case and your wrong...then guilt not shame would be the appropriate reaction.
- If what others say is not true....then the only thing you can offer them is your own understanding and leave it right there and accept this difference without having the resolution or closure to go along with an actual agreement.
That not only includes those who have ADHD...but those who are experiencing the problems that this creates for them and how they respond or react to these problems.
Judgment = Is the root cause of shame. - Without judgment....you can't have shame in the first place and all the expectations that are implied within the judgment within it. I is the source of most of our assumptions and misunderstandings we have and most of those come from....
Tacit understanding = Under the heading or umbrella of "tacit understanding".....comes a host of undesirable consequences from this fatal error in thinking which include "beliefs".... we have about ourselves and others. Tacit understanding in other words....is not understanding anything other than what you personally believe is true. It isn't based of facts of evidence but more on what you believe which get interpreted through your personally feelings and emotions about any given topic or another person. Under this umbrella comes.....
- assumptions
-presumptions
-self righteousness
- indignation
-entitlement (or implied warranty of coverage, owed what's due to you or feeling indebted to others, unrealistic expectations and unrealistic demands of others based solely on yourself.) Entitlement by definition.....is what is owed you and you deserve to have it. You don't owe anyone else anything when you are entitled something.
It is in every respect to this...what you deserve to have as "payment" by others to you instead of being thankful for the things you have and seeing it as the glass as being "half full"....instead of "half empty" in a pessimistic
way which only leads us too......
-miscommunication
-misinterpretation
-taking offense
-making other"s responsible for you out your own failure to be responsibility for yourself (or lack of it) ie; expecting others to mind read you instead of communicating what you want from others.
or
- Not knowing what you want in the first place comes due to always relying on others to do this for you and needing them to tell you want out of your own failure to either stand up...or from apathy
- either...doing this for you and/or (voluntarily going along with it)
or
- having this imposed on you against your will
This can only happen if you don't have options. If you have no options available to you ( or you don't believe you do?).....you can have no choice. This leads to being a victim in your own thinking or victim mentality.
Choice = implies you have options. Unless you are a child. You always have options.
Intimacy = The ability to become or make yourself vulnerable to others in a giving way by choice....... and not having it imposed or demanded from you as a creative process and not through: aggression, sense of duty or obligation, or by force and/or manipulation (coercion) against your will.
Three types of intimacy include> < Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Affection Intimacy (AI) <<<<<<(Top of Pyramid)>>>>> Self actualization, Creativity
Conflict Intimacy (CI ) Esteem,Love and Belonging, Safety
Self Intimacy (SI) <<<<<<(Bottom of Pyramid)>>>>>>> Psychological Needs
As I stand back and look at where we are and how we got here....it shows me how much work and effort it takes to get to what you want....and the failure on our part in doing the "how to get there" part. As I see it....it's the only failure or mistake that my wife and I are guilty of in simply not knowing "how" to do this in the past. This leads us to the last step in the process....
Forgiveness = Allowing others to fail us and have mercy and compassion for them in the same way we want this for ourselves. In other words....the Golden Rule. And then finally.....
Trust and faith = in yourself and other people
J
