Still battling with DH's symptoms after all these years. Finally got him in for an assessment with Dr. Bilkey in Barrie, ON. Of course I had to arrange it, after months of DH never quite getting around to it. Then of course, we were 40 minutes late, because DH did not confirm the correct location before we left..., and then, DH came out with a negative diagnosis - which almost ended our marriage. I had told my husband prior to his assessment, that I hoped he had ADHD, because if he didn't, he was just an asshole. So, after the negative diagnosis, it seemed, he was just an asshole.
Except that the behaviours continued. And in such a prevalent and consistent pattern (for both of us), that when we read The ADHD Effect on Marriage, it seemed that it was based on us, and our interactions. Not just based on us, but included actual examples from our lives. (And when I say we read the book, of course I mean that I read the book, and pointed out a few excerpts for DH, as he has difficulty finishing anything longer than a newspaper or magazine article.) I still believe that he does have ADHD (my sister - a physician, agrees). I just don't know what to do.
My belief is that Dr. Bilkey's assessment was inadequate. DH provided no childhood report cards, no photos of his belongings strewn about our house, all over the floor, strewn across counter tops, nothing about repeatedly buying replacements for things he has but can't find, or buying things he's forgotten he already has, no details about regularly having his bicycle lock cut off because he's lost the key yet again, nothing about the 10 years of back taxes I had to complete for him when we got married, no details about losing his wallet monthly, or his impulsive spending that keeps me constantly bailing us out of debt, nothing about losing our toddler sons on vacation, etc., etc., etc.
My understanding is that for a positive diagnosis, impairment must be present in two areas of life (and while I do understand the necessity of certain criteria - when followed blindly, they can lead a psychologist/physician to exclude exceptions to the rule). So unfortunately, while DH's home life is extremely impaired, he has developed coping mechanisms that allow him to manage well in other areas of his life.
Unlike many others with ADHD, DH is well paid, and has a successful career as an airline pilot (the third marriage counselor we saw, who was supposed to have had some experience with ADHD said to him, much to my chagrin, "You're an airline pilot? You can't have ADHD!"). But here is how this works, and why it is a perfect job for someone with ADHD: the variable, non- 9-5 schedule provides variety, and my very sociable, extroverted DH constantly works with new people each time he goes into work, so his environment provides lots of stimulation. He does "short haul" flights (so a number of flights each day, rather than one long flying day overseas) which take him to a number of different destinations each day. He spends overnights in different hotels in different cities. He is late for work EVERY SINGLE DAY, but because his check-in time is an hour before departure time, as long as the flight leaves on time, there are no repercussions. And there is no direct supervisor to see that he is late every day. He has developed an extremely charming personality to compensate for his perpetual lateness and disorganization, so he will show up with coffee for everyone, or chocolate. He LOVES his job, and he is very good at it. He loves to fly - whether piloting the plane, or as a passenger, and the job itself is very structured, with strict checklists that he must abide by when preparing for flight - so a perfect fit for him. Also, he is amazingly focused in an emergency (I often wonder if this is why he is always late - he actually enjoys the excitement of it). The adrenaline of an emergency causes him to focus - I have seen it first hand in emergency situations with our sons. (In contrast, I am a teacher - type A, extremely orderly and organized, but I fall apart in an emergency.) So - no impairment at work.
All of our good friends are well versed in DH's "time vacuum", or "vortex", as we all like to call it. But as I said, he is charming and generous, and genuinely a lovely, kind person, so he is easily forgiven for his shortcomings. So - no impairment in his social relationships.
My current plan is to contact the Springboard Clinic and the ADHD Clinic here in Toronto about services, coaching and counseling. Fortunately, while my husband is not completely onboard about his potential ADHD (After his negative diagnosis, we joke that he does not have ADHD, he has ADHD symptoms. Well, I'm joking when I say it anyway.), he is open to counseling and coaching. I am considering discussion of a second evaluation, but am also trying to consider the ramifications of another assessment. Another $2,000 is less daunting than the possibility of a second negative diagnosis. My only hope for a positive diagnosis is that DH might take some responsibility for all the pain and stress he has caused (and continues to cause) me, and actually make a concerted effort to change his behaviour.
If you contribute to this forum, and have been assessed for ADHD, I would greatly appreciate your sharing the assessment process/procedure you experienced. I am very curious about how the same condition can be assessed in such a variety of ways, and about how self-report can play such a large part of assessment, when self-awareness of ADHD behaviours is so poor.
Negative Diagnosis
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
From your description, it sure sounds as if he may as well have ADHD!
One issue in diagnosis is that his experience of himself may be different from the objective experience of what's going on. In an interview situation, this can make a difference in diagnosis. (I.e. doesn't mind or doesn't notice that he's not on time...and so to him, getting there before the flight takes off would likely be described as 'on time' to a physician, for example.)
I am asked with some regularity - what do I do if my partner has all of these symptoms, yet no diagnosis? My answer is "deal with the symptomatic behaviors, even if he doesn't have the label of ADHD." Except for taking the meds, everything else doesn't require a diagnosis. (And, perhaps, he can't take the meds and fly in any event?) So rather than focusing on the label, focus on the behaviors and use the strategies that can help with the behaviors (and diminishing the patterns.) So, for example, if he is constantly late and if HE is interested in changing that, he could set a series of alarms for when it's important to be on time. Or he might better assess his transition time to change from one activity (such as mowing the lawn or being on a computer) to actually being ready to leave. Underestimating transition time is one reason many with ADHD are late. Or, if his tardiness has to do with having trouble disengaging, he might be able to create a system for himself that helps him do that. For example, getting one of the alarm clocks to rolls around the floor and setting both a cell phone alarm for a '5 minute warning' (so he can mentally prepare to disengage) and then the roll around alarm clock so that he physically has to get up out of his chair to do it. That's the signal to simply leave behind what he was doing.
That's just one example. There are MANY ways to change habits that are either ADHD or resemble ADHD.
Furthermore, he can improve things in general with lots of exercise and good sleep patterns.
AND, perhaps most importantly, the two of you can learn how to interact with each other better. The best way to learn these things might be in my couples seminar (because you get to ask questions as you go through the process) but my books also address some of these things, as you know.
Whether or not he has the label of ADHD, it's important that he is on board that changes need to be made in certain areas, or it simply won't happen. I suggest you choose one or two things that are really really important to your relationship and talk with him about why these things are important to you. Then the two of you can create a plan together for getting there. Whether it's that he pick up a specific set of chores spend more time attending you; be more on time (at least for the important stuff); be less defensive or angry...these things don't need a diagnosis to work on.
And, as you know from my books, you can play a role in making the improvements, too.
To no avail
Submitted by Clara on
Thanks for all of the great suggestions Melissa. Funny you should mention alarms, because that is one of DH's coping mechanisms. There are alarms constantly going off at our house - my DH sets them for EVERYTHING. Before smart phones, he bought exactly the same day planner every year, and filled each day with list after list of reminders. The alarms help with immediate things, such as moving laundry from washer to dryer, or remembering to take a beer out of the freezer, but often he sets so many, and with such regularity, he begins to ignore them (much like he subtracts the 5 minutes he has added to every clock).
We enrolled in your couples seminar, but he wasn't able to follow through.
I have had many heart-to-hearts with him about the situation, and the areas in which I most need change. He listens sincerely, tells me that he understands, but never keeps his word. My greatest hope for a positive diagnosis was that my DH would listen to someone else because I seem unable to make any headway.