I wrote this in Feb of this year, just had to get it out of my head.
*******Let it be known, to all who would choose to read this post, the following statements from ADH9er, reflect how ‘HE’ and only HE,feels, and does not reflect, or need to reflect, the thoughts, emotions,or feelings of anyone else, and furthermore, below said statements do not, I repeat, do not excuse, diminish, dilute, make light of, or in any way shape or form, minimize the bonafide undesirable, hurtful, exhausting, negative, unfair, unhealthy effects that HIS NEUROLOGICAL CLINICAL MENTAL CONDITION of ADHD Has - Has Had - or - Will Have, on those persons closest to him, that he dearly loves and needs, or anyone to which his existence comes in contact, either Physically, Cybor-ly, or Hypothetically.*******. Amen
I have made this observation for some time, in my adaptive, ongoing, yet inadequate unsuccessful, mitigation of my ADHD traits, in my marriage, to a ‘mutually’ desirable plateau.
In our mending process, I am adversely affected by those things that my spouse has brought to our relationship, that she is gradually discovering as Co-dependent.( to which, I am very appreciative of this,(her), positive growth of discovery.)
In simple terms, ADH9er’s problem areas, IN RELATIONSHIP, attributed solely to HIS real-time intellectual / emotional capabilities, or lack thereof, can be ‘scored’ or ‘identified’ at a particular level of intensity. Now add the previously mentioned ‘Co-Dependant’ attitudes, suspicions, and / or relational interactions, brought, (though they be unintentional), to the already very difficult challenge. I Judge the resulting combined sum of these TWO parts to considerably intensify that, which I ,ME, DH, HUBBY, OTHER HALF, am HELD (at times contemptuously mind you), to singularly RECTIFY. (Qualifier: “Until such time that Tom ……”)
This is not brought here as an ‘excuse’, or a bid for pity, it is my reality. This, which I perceive as injustice, contributes to my ‘Anger Responsive’ tendencies, which in turn, compounds the overall quagmire, and slows the ‘awaited’ recovery.
I have not found a great deal of conversation, here, (on the forum) that gives testimony to, “oh my gosh, I can see how my contributions hinder & hurt my spouse, making their likelihood of eventual, (even minuscule), ‘Recovery’ increasingly more insurmountable,”and /or“A like portion of, My (non ADHD spouse), own anger & frustration has been unduly levied on them.”
With regard to those, (above alluded to), spousal contributions, i.e. Dysfunction Dividends, I make the point to MY hyper-focus, by its genetic disposition, will, with little divergence even when I intentionally administer counter ‘Re-Focusing’ mindfulness, tend to gravitate toward that which delivers the greatest stimulus at a given time, consuming a vast portion of my ‘Will’, self talk, and emotional reserve, giving rise to subsequent fatigue, resentment and at times, disillusionment. Now add to that, no matter how subtly or diplomatically I approach a conversation to express this sentiment, things go south.
I find that pressing on toward ‘my’ adaptive ‘structural’ alterations is still possible, albeit with greatly reduced motivation and achievement.
ADH9er
Hi ADH9er....
Submitted by c ur self on
(I have not found a great deal of conversation, here, (on the forum) that gives testimony to, “oh my gosh, I can see how my contributions hinder & hurt my spouse, making their likelihood of eventual, (even minuscule), ‘Recovery’ increasingly more insurmountable,”and /or“A like portion of, My (non ADHD spouse), own anger & frustration has been unduly levied on them.”)
I understand your thinking here, and I agree that from your perspective (someone working hard to be aware of themselves and how their living of life effects those closest to them) the things written that comforts one partner, is not very helpful at all to the other....
Just because some of us don't have add, doesn't mean we can't be blind in many other ways. It really pays to stop long enough to put ourselves in the other person's shoes (add or not)...
But, most of us (or at least I do) have a tendency toward selfishness when we can't create or force a situation to take on the reality we desire...So more times than not in place of acceptance we look for something or someone to blame.
Reality is a hard pill to swallow at times....
Blessings
C
Blessings Recieved
Submitted by ADH9er on
C, your honesty - courage - gentleness and shepherding are a welcomed asset here. Thank you
ADH9er
He was a good Horse
Submitted by ADH9er on
Chapter one
ONCE there was a handsome man knowing not of ADD,who was clad in shiny tin armor, and rode a white steeD.
His manner giving, his heart tender & true, but there was something down deep, that felt oddly askew.
When young his uniqueness got him bullied a lot, he’d keep standing back up, “Why Lord why”, “is this my life's lot?”
HE was taught not to fight, “a bigger man walks away”,wrapped his humiliation up tight, later on in life he would dearly pay.
Time in Gradpa’s workshop,challenged not his self view, helping & building things, that, he could do.
No sports, No clubs, little enjoyment in school,when he looked at himself, could see only a fool .
The learning was tough, only just get’n through, “I know i’m not stupid” Why’s this so hard to do? “
In Only two subjects could he get an ‘A’, horticulture & ceramics, there his focus could stay.
Confidence he had none, and talent, “what’s that?”,“Two Ton Tommy,” Hey Moose,”Fumble fingers”, Your fat”
“ I know, I’ll build walls, build them high thick & long, to hold back this hurting, that’ll show em I’m strong.”
To God & integrity he held very tight, “I’ll follow the Good Book, that’ll make things alright.
As he grew older, as life went along, he found some peace, some purpose, for others being strong.
Blind leading the blind, Wounded Healer, to him unaware, convinced that this mission, shields his heart from despair.
Still all the while , “What’s inside that's not right?” others, just normal, “I HATE shouldering this plight?”
Alas came a Princess, his heartstrings wove round, a Country Girl Beauty, with moral integrity, so sound.
With swift Loving perception, her inner turmoil he'd see, “Fear Not my Fair Maiden, Lay your burdens on me.”
He’d sing love songs and hold her, picking flowers to show, his affection and commitment was ‘meant’ to help healing, and grow.
As oft happens on this planet, hurts more hurts can create, His Mother, for him, desired a “Healthy Helpmate.”
He wished he’d not had to, such a choice forced to make,“Leaving and Cleaving” would cost him, his whole family to forsake.
So together, both hurting, starts their journey combined, her wounds coming to focus, and his not yet defined.
This is my first attempt to capture an overall snapshot of my 'in my shoes' existence. As I found with finally delving into this media of communication,(email & the like), the slow and tedious hunting and pecking tends to give pause between each word, and with continual re-reading and editing, I find great satisfaction in the resulting well defined articulation of the otherwise verbal chipmunk chatter, of that which is perpetually scampering round upstairs. So I am able to view the deciphered versions for the first time. Certainly qualifying as 'working through', however 'healing' is something I continue to long for. No matter how many times I read this rendering, tears accompany my anguish. I believe it to be 'therapeutic-letting'.
Hopefully I'll find the inspiration and words to capture the rest of the story.
My hope, with sharing this here, is that others like me, may also discover ways to 'view' their own footprints,
Ninja Warrior Art Critique
Submitted by kellyj on
ADH9er,
Your words moved me in more ways than I can tell you. I see more of myself in your words than you could possibly know but I see in you...more than you see in yourself and I think that right there is part of what you are missing to see and I wish very much that you could see it too.
You have a talent that I see clearly as an Artist with your words. You painted a picture of yourself clearly...and it is well defined as to what you see.....but if I may offer....from one Artist to another...my own interpretation of your "piece of work" here from a different perspective. This is what artists do.....they "critique" not "criticize"....and give opinion or interpretation as a means of exchange. The most valuable set of eye you have as an Artist....are not your own in this case. The proof of every mans work....will become apparent when seen through the eyes of the one viewing it...and reported back to you in return. Your work is not you....it's only one piece out of an infinite number possible...and each one can be what ever you want it to be if you move forward and keep creating new ones. This is just one piece you made....you have many more in you if keep creating and never stop.
The definition of an Artist is right there......."an Artist must do Art everywhere they go and can't stop doing it." How well they do it or if anyone else likes it is irrelevant.....however...the critique from those who come into contact with your Art....will give you knew ideas to work from for the next piece you make and why your eyes cannot be used in order to do this. From one artist to another that is? lol
From the perspective of the "Ninja Warrior Artist Critique" I give you my critique of your piece.....or......"Just ask the Ninja" (stolen from..."Just ask the Ninja"..."the movie critique/reviewer" of the same name ....just threw that in for levity lol )
Who's the Ninja Warrior and what does he look like?
JFK......."Ask not what your country can do for you....ask, what you can do for your country." John F Kennedy was a Ninja Warrior....he risked his life to save others in World War II (PT 109 being rammed off shore by a Japanese destroyer)....but backing up a bit from that...."Despite having a bad back, JFK used his father Joseph P. Kennedy's influence to get into the war.( not out of the War like GW Bush)
He started out in October 1941 as an ensign with a desk job for the Office of Naval Intelligence......, Kennedy voluntarily entered the Motor Torpedo Boat Squadrons Training Center in Melville, Rhode Island, where he was promoted to lieutenant (junior grade) (LTJG). He completed his training there on. He was then ordered to the training squadron, Motor Torpedo Squadron 4, to take over the command of motor torpedo boat PT-109." That's the heart of the Ninja right there....that's what I'm talking about.
and then....."
The eleven survivors clung to PT-109's bow section as it drifted slowly south. By about 2:00 p.m.,[4] it was apparent that the hull was taking on water and would soon sink, so the men decided to abandon it and swim for land. As there were Japanese camps on all the nearby large islands, they chose the tiny deserted Plum Pudding Island, southwest of Kolombangara. They placed their lantern, shoes, and non-swimmers on one of the timbers used as a gun mount and began kicking together to propel it. Kennedy, who had been on the Harvard University swim team, used a life jacket strap clenched between his teeth to tow his badly-burned senior enlisted machinist mate, MM1 Patrick McMahon.[16] It took four hours to reach their destination, 3.5 miles (5.6 km) away, which they reached without interference by sharks or crocodiles.[17] The island was only 100 yards (91 m) in diameter, with no food or water. The crew had to hide from passing Japanese barges. Kennedy swam to Naru and Olasana islands, a round trip of about 2.5 miles (4.0 km), in search of help and food. He then led his men to Olasana Island, which had coconut trees and drinkable water."
The Ninja Warrior finds his way past adversity.. his own survival is paramount to the survival of his crew and see's it from that perspective. His role is not to lead....his role is being responsible for his crew and all a board. This is the ultimate assignment as the Captain of any marine vessel and you are ultimately responsible for anything that happens to them or your ship....even after it's been rammed by an enemy vessel.
So now when you hear the words JFK made as president....."Ask not what your country can do for you....." They take on the power of the Ninja Warrior with them and they do carry a lot more weight?"
And again by his actions in the Cuban missile crisis..........the faith of those under you as a leader....come from your actions....but the actions followed by Kennedy in this case....started out with the heart of the Ninja Warrior...... when he could have sat behind a desk with a bad back and only with the influence of his father just to get him into the Navy in the first place since he was considered "unfit for duty....section 8"
John F Kennedy....was a Ninja Warrior
Ninja Warrior #2 George Bush Sr
When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor in 1941, George Bush was the biggest man on campus at one of America’s great male bastions of private high school privilege, Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass., known to the initiated as “Andover.” Captain of the baseball and soccer teams, student council secretary, senior class president. He was a BMOC who, following his mother’s teachings, was kind to everybody, no matter his social pedigree, the kind of kid who helped the fat guy in gym.
At Bush’s graduation ceremony that spring, Secretary of War Henry L. Stimson, himself an Andover graduate, told the boys they should go to college and let the draft do its work. Young George, already accepted at Yale, would hear none of it. His father, Prescott, a partner in the investment firm Brown Brothers Harriman, asked if Stimson had changed his son’s mind.
“Not a bit,” said George. “I wanted to serve—duty, honor, country.
At age 18...he enlisted as a Navy aviator.........
Then came September 2, 1944. As he and his two-man crew dove their Avenger bomber through anti-aircraft fire toward a Japanese radio tower on the volcanic island of Chichi Jima, 150 miles north of Iwo Jima, his plane was hit at 8,000 feet and caught fire. He finished his dive, dropped his four 500-pound bombs successfully on target and headed out to sea. He could have tried to make a water landing, something he had done once already when another Avenger he was flying lost power. That day, he and his crew got out of the plane and into the life raft before the plane sank. But this time, the burning Avenger could blow up before they got to the water. He ordered his radio operator and gunner, neither of whom he could see from the cockpit, to “hit the silk,” an order heard on the radio by crewmen in other U.S. planes. No response. He remembers banking his plane steeply to the right to lessen the slipstream pressure on the rear door and help his crew mates exit. Then, at about 3,000 feet, Bush bailed out and hit his head on the plane’s tail. He landed in the ocean and freed himself from his chute. Another Avenger dived to signal the location of his life raft, which he swam to and climbed in.
His head was bleeding and he was throwing up from having gulped seawater. He secured his revolver and started hand-paddling furiously away from Chichi Jima, where Japanese gunboats had already headed out to get him. Avengers and the Hellcat fighters that protected them strafed the boats but soon had to return to San Jacinto. Young George, who would later be awarded the Navy’s Distinguished Flying Cross for his actions that day, didn’t feel much like a hero. He feared correctly that his crew mates were dead. In that life raft, he began asking himself the question that still haunts him in his Houston office at age 82: “Did I do all I could to save them?” In the raft, he cried. It seemed like a miracle when more than two hours later the periscope of the submarine USS Finback appeared.
“Welcome aboard, sir,” a sailor said as Bush was hauled on deck...." After almost 3 hours in the water and being rescued (for the 2nd time) ....he was back inside another plane within the same day to continue on his Ninja Warrior Mission....
George Bush Sr.....has the "heart" of the Ninja Warrior. Heart... is the at the core the of the Ninja Warrior...and tears of the Ninja Warrior..... asking himself the question that still haunts him in his Houston office at age 82: “Did I do all I could to save them?” In the raft, he cried.
George Bush Senior....is a Ninja Warrior
Ninja Warrior #3....."Shirley Muldowney".. (inducted into Motor Sports Hall of Fame in 1986)
Achievements include the first Woman to:
Be sanctioned and licensed driver in NHRA
Win a NHRA event
Win a NHRA Championship, 1977
Win 3 National Events in a row, 1977
Be owner-driver of own Top-Fuel Dragster
NHRA Winter, Spring, & Fall Nationals Winner 1982
NHRA Champion 1982
Top-Fuel World Champion NHRA 1982
I can't remember specifically...which one these races I witnessed (World Champion NHRA 1982) In the final pass... which would determine the Champion....when the lights staged and Shirley got the green light.....her opponent's car suddenly died and all she had to do was drive her dragster through the finish line to win the world championship as far as the rules required her to do. Shirley did not proceed....until her opponent had the chance to restart his car and restart the race together and win only if her opponent had a fair chance of winning. She smoked him and beat him fair and square and won the title anyway. I was so impressed!!
Shriley Muldowney....has the courage and the heart of the Ninja Warrior which says.... The meaningless victory....is a defeat for the Ninja Warrior.
Shirley Muldowney....is a Ninja Warrior
"He Was A Good Horse" The Ninja Warrior says...."He is A Good Horse"
"When young his uniqueness got him bullied a lot, he’d keep standing back up, “Why Lord why”, “is this my life's lot?” The Ninja Warrior says...."This is my life's lot....what have I learned since then and what can I do about it now?"
"In Only two subjects could he get an ‘A’, horticulture & ceramics, there his focus could stay." the Ninja Warrior says...." I got A's in the things I am most gifted in....and the other grades associated with my other skills reflected my abilities at the time. What does this tell me and how I can I use this now? What can I learn from this that will be useful to me and I can use to my advantage in the future"
"Hopefully I'll find the inspiration and words to capture the rest of the story."
I like your story and I like you too. I see myself in you and things you've shared with us and here and it only makes me want to give you the only thing I see as missing? Become the Ninja Warrior in your story next time....but first you.... must have the heart of the Ninja Warrior to do so...
BE the Ball ( become the ball). When you become one with your opponent.....you become the ball. The ball goes where you want it to, because the ball is a part of you. This is the philosophy to adopt to have the heart of the Ninja Warrior.
This is the only thing missing in your piece of Art thus far as far as I can see? I think if you become your own Ninja Warrior and go back and try it again.....next time....I think you will see a big improvement? I have to work at this all the time and it's good practice for you to begin trying this all this considered? That's my critique here of your piece or work? I think it could stand some improvement but hey....you have the heart and courage of the Ninja Warrior already....you just need to learn how to use it.
Just ask any Ninja in this case....they will show you the way.
J
J, WOW
Submitted by jennalemone on
Thanks. We are all turning corners in our journey here. This is just what I needed to hear this morning. This is the stuff that heros are made of.
Thank You Jenna....
Submitted by kellyj on
except one thing...... The Ninja Warrior does not see themselves as a "Hero"....only one doing what they need to do...to get the job done. It's not about winning or losing....it's about being in the game in the first place and not sitting back and just watching and being a spectator. Anyone doing this becomes their own Hero and that's how the Ninja Warrior see's this......
(Or at least...... that's what I've been told.......LOL (only kidding:)
J
I too was amazingly inspired by it, adh9er....
Submitted by c ur self on
Just like in the book series....Eragon.....We all have a true name....You know much of yours....
C
Kindred Warriors
Submitted by ADH9er on
Thanks J, your 'Like' and critique fall on malleable ears. As with 'Shrek's earwax' I am cleaning out the hindrances and repurposing them to light my way.
Artistry: I am certain that my choosing to be an entrepreneur was greatly influenced by my Neurological Compulsion to Create, Build and Restore. Funny how the very thing that makes me - me, can at times, tend to pose a seemingly insurmountable restorative challenge.
Compliment, Encouragement and 'Fruit-Squeezing' from kindred spirits is uplifting.
God Bless,
ADH9er
Best Life Moments Sowmetimes Get Overlooked...ADH9er
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm drawing from many sources here and trying to pull a few things I've learned about what you were saying right here...
"Funny how the very thing that makes me - me, can at times, tend to pose a seemingly insurmountable restorative challenge."
About that restorative challenge??? This is where I think, most or our challenges originate from and not until more recently...have I began to rethink this approach since no matter how many times I've visited this.....something in what I keep coming back to just never seems to fit quite right...(or sits well with me in a more rejecting way since somehow....every time I get to the punch line at the end of my thinking about this....I always have to stop short and can't seem to find my way around this dilemma?
I brought this up once with Liz about finding or knowing what her purpose is.....which I was drawing directly from my own experience and thinking about this? I have struggled most of my life trying to resolve this and I now believe I have come to a place that fits into what I know about myself.
The problem is not that you need to be restored (reconstructed and rebuilt over entirely from scratch....that's ridiculous anyway...who could ever do that? No one I know and I put myself right at the top of the list of not thinking this is even possible? )
The problem is fitting and finding where you fit the best. I think that's at the core of our issues having ADHD. In that respect.....we're not the best universal creatures that seem to fit anywhere in all situations. We appear to be a little more "specialized" in how and what we were designed to do. That's not to say that we can't fit anywhere....it's just saying we fit best in some places...and not in others and those other places are the ones that we fall shorter in with innate natural ability...that is, than do others on average if you are trying to make a comparison.
I have proven this to myself in countless ways...but I never stopped to pull it all together and figure this out until I had a chance to find out what I was really good at....and compare it to what I'm not. Once I did this....it all became much more clear to me when I look my innate abilities as a whole and stand back and look at them in their entirety.
Here's just a few examples of how this worked for me over time. MY desire to do many things it seemed...outweighed my inability to do them....
Baseball. I was not what I would call....a gifted baseball player. But I loved playing baseball.....loved it, loved it, loved it!! lol The only two reasons why I wasn't very good at playing baseball...was:
a) I'm the world's slowest sprinter.(running) But in swimming....I'm an exceptional sprinter especially backstroke. I even set a couple of records in that event and was a pretty good in the Butterfly too (in sprints). Crawl (or Freestyle)...I was fair to midland but never in the top of my class no mater how far I got. Backstroke...and Butterfly however....I could kick some ass in at short distances? And then there was breaststroke....(my nemesis) and my downfall in the individual medley (where you swim all four strokes in concession in the same race) I was a worse at Breaststroke almost....than I was at running fast....
and now back to Baseball. I wasn't a good Baseball Player...because it requires short burst (or sprinting) to play the game and I'm a horrible sprinter. I also have a slight astigmatism in my left eye that makes tracking the ball when batting extremely difficult. Needless to say....I wasn't very good at hitting the ball and was not a good batter. This doesn't leave much hope that I was going to be a Major League baseball player does it? If that was my dream and goal......I would have been barking up the wrong tree! lol
But because my desire (and not my parents or anyone else)....I enjoyed the shit out of playing baseball and I played it and practiced as much as possible because I enjoyed playing it so much. What I found and how I fit goes right along with what I'm trying to say here....
Just like in swimming....I had two things that I did very well and almost better than average than other kids who I played with....
a) I could throw the ball....fast, hard and a long distance.
b) I could catch the ball extremely well but I was not very good at grounders since I would lose track of it because the glitch in my eye again.
Where does that leave you when trying to be on a baseball team? You can't hit, you can't run fast and you can only catch the ball well if the ball is not on the ground?
"Catcher!!!"....which requires you to throw the ball fast, hard and accurately to throw runners out on base.....and....to catch the ball and stand your ground and protect home plate....."not run fast, (mostly catch balls that aren't on the ground)....and you aren't moving around very much or very far in doing your job? I also found a work around as far a catching the ball on the ground. I would just let it hit me and bounce off and then pick it up if needed. Since I wore a cup for (obviously reasons! lol ) and had protection (even though that didn't help completely!!)....I sacrificed my body in lue of catching bouncing balls on the ground and still stopped them which was the goal anyway in the first place.
And this even worked out to my advantage in that.....since I had really good reflexes (quick)...and since I became practiced at getting the ball off the ground since it happened a lot I stopped them ( my way lol ).....this would deceive the base runners into thinking that I was fumbling the ball and they would try and steal base on me. "No no no......your ass ...belongs to me boy...I got your number and your number is up!! lol"
I use to throw more players out on second base this way than a lot of other catchers simply because of this weird method I had in getting them to commit to stealing bases ( which was not why I did it ? lol ) and the fact that I had an arm like a pitcher and could accurately throw hard fast balls right on target. My stats as a catcher in throwing out runners on base were above average at the end of the season which translated to me being a valuable weapon in winning the game for my team. That's how I fit and how I found a way to play baseball even though I was not a good all around Baseball player....AT ALL!!! But I loved every minute of it and it became something that helped build my self esteem and a positive overall experience.....even by accident? lol But not without taking a lot of lumps and ridicule in trying to figure out which position suited me the best. On top of it....I only discovered ONE position where I could really do any good at all.
And now going back to swimming. Why was I good at Backstoke and Butterfly, Okay in Freestyle...and horrible in Breaststroke? For the exact same reason in as in my Baseball example. I'm stronger in my upper body...than I am in my legs to the point...specifically strong in my arms, back and shoulders and quick with my hands.. which lent itself specifically to Backstroke and Buttefly which rely more heavily on upper body strength, Freestyle being a 50/50 mix of the two....and Breaststroke relying more heavily on your legs to power you from?
This is all innate or inherent capability and I had no say in the matter when it came right down to this. I even proved my theroy later....when I returned as an adult to competitive swimming again for fun (Masters AAU)...and spent 4 months working on my specific leg muscles in the gym trying to improve my breaststroke. Low and behold....my individual medley time dropped by an amazing two seconds just from testing and following through with my "hunch."
And I guess the point in saying this too you is that I actually proved this to myself and went with my "hunch and it proved to me only that if I followed what I was feeling like the problem was and looked for things to directly help improve those target areas....that it works every time if I stay with it and keep practicing and working at it despite people telling me things like "you're never going to make it as a catcher....your too small and you can't catch off the ground." ....or....."when are you ever going to learn how to swim breaststroke?"....
Like somehow.....that was the problem?
J
The past. The potential in the present.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Hello ADH9er
I want to join others who express appreciation for what you have shown us in poetry about you.
Do you know what I found most moving about your piece? It stopped before getting to the present.
I think this is truthfully human writing, if you are not yet resolved in the things in your present that aren't what you described in the poem, set in the past. in A lot of great literature ends not like the old movies did, with closure (someone died, someone came back from a journey, the couple gets married) but with an open ending, meaning the story's not done, the writer knows it isn't but the writing stops because that's as much as can be written for now.
Good wishes for the journey. Liz is a gem. You're a gem.
Hi Now....
Submitted by c ur self on
Some of your post has been deleted...But I liked it:)....Addressing one of your comments concerning dealing with ourselves....
To challenge myself, and to be intentional and aware of it, is key to growing in every sense for me as a human...As soon as I start living in a bubble vs a 0 to infinity scale, for what ever reason (comfort, fear, ignorance, lack of confidence, poverty, physical or emotional handicaps) I basically settle into a fixed state, my growth stops.
At this point I will continue to do the same things over and over. The key to growth or change, for me is to recognize this. Be aware of what is holding me back, and move past it....The power to move past it, has always been 90% based in the recognition of it...This maturation process is mostly hide from the one that is growing... Usually it will be noticed and brought to light by others...(spouse, boss, or friend) So, I've learned in my own life, if I'm having to be shocked into change or growth by others, instead of it coming from within, something is wrong! (Which, sadly I have had happen on to many occasions:)
Truly a healthy life is open ended...............................................:)..................................:)......................................................:)..............................................:)..............................................:)..............................:)
C
Intentional, aware action
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Thanks, C.
Yes, I use delete, since it's an option that Melissa chose for this site.
Sometimes it's with the person I directed comments to in mind, although of course we're all writing to all of us, as well.
Thanks for your remarks. I agree with you life is open ended. Happiness certainly is. I agree with you, J, & others that one has to SEE what is going on, often see what's going on, really going on, in oneself, or see it more clearly, to tackle change. I've so appreciated discussions on the forum recently about denial. As for the jolt that awakens seeing things differently, myself, I don't care whether it comes from inside or outside of me, although I appreciate your moral responsibility-taking for yourself; I think that has to happen, too, before change gets going.
Now....
Submitted by c ur self on
(As for the jolt that awakens seeing things differently, myself, I don't care whether it comes from inside or outside of me, although I appreciate your moral responsibility-taking for yourself; I think that has to happen, too, before change gets going. )
Now, I should add or clear up one thing. It's not in my ability (morally) to produce an awareness, the wisdom or the humility to grow from with in....As a matter of fact, in my flesh just the opposite. It's spiritually produced..."And that is not of myself"....It's Mercy, Grace and a Love beyond comprehension.
Some times I make statements like I'm an authority or have it all figured out, I apologize for that, it's just that I've made so many mistakes, many of the things I share is what I've learned not to do....I just want to hear, follow and trust the path.
If there is one thing I hope for my marriage....And I expect this! At the end of the way, I want my wife to feel like her life was made rich, complete and filled with love, because I was her husband....But... LOL...That expectation isn't placed on myself...It's my pray....
Proverbs 28:26....
C
Here's a lady with a word
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
: )
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=O-Lr3QAiY1o
"Kick Ass" !! NowOrNever
Submitted by kellyj on
What a talent! That voice gave me goose bumps.....that's the definition of "power"...in her voice. I remember a funny moment one time....when Eddie Murphy was describing "James Brown" when he said..... "and he MEANS IT!! " I think that speaks to Mahalia Jackson too......"SHE MEANS IT!!"....in no uncertain terms! lol
Something that goes along with my story of how I learned to "fit" and play Baseball.......
Did you know? BB King.....cannot sing and play guitar at the same time? He admits this and if you actually NOW...watch and listen to him play......he never does both at the same time? I never noticed it myself....until I heard him say this?
And it doesn't really matter....all things considered? :)
J
More..."Riply's Believe It, Or Not"...
Submitted by kellyj on
I just thought of some other examples of this when I mentioned BB King's inability to do two things well....at the same time.
Dick Dale (Surf Guitar Legend...father of "Surf Guitar") Is left handed but....when he learned to play guitar....no one told him how to play and all he had was a right handed guitar. He learned to play guitar....up side down with the strings strung right handed and left it tuned the same which would be up side down for everyone else if a right hander did this by flipping the strings up side down.
Leo Fender....(inventor of the modern day solid body electric guitar)...was simply looking for a cheap and convenient way of making a guitar that could be taken apart and reassembled easily and made cheaper than the traditional way. These two men met during the time that Leo was coming up with a new design to add to his first prototype ( the Telecaster ).
Dick Dale had a reputation of wearing guitars out and breaking them due to his extremely aggressive style of playing so he went through guitars regularly since he abused them from his particular ass backward way he learned to play.
Leo invented the "Stratocaster" based specifically to Dick Dale and also made a left handed body to go along with it.... for him to try out and see if it would handle the abuse put on it by Dick...thinking...."if it lasts through the abuse Dick Dale can put on it....it should work for anyone?"
And the rest is history as they say. But wait...there's more to this story.....
Along comes Jimi Hendrix as a kid around this time....and he could not afford anything but a right handed guitar to learn on....plus, he never took lessons and he couldn't read music. He was also left handed, but learned to play on a Stratocaster...but up side down but strung with the strings correctly strung for a left handed person. This posed a number of problems in design since everything was in the way for a left hander (the Whammy bar and control knobs) which would make it more difficult to learn on.
Did this appear to be a problem for him?
Paul McCartney also is reported not to have ever learned to read music. In an article I read once.....certain studio musicians that he played with later on would get very irritated and frustrated since he use to say....things like..."play that cord....you know....the "pretty one"...instead of naming it by it's correct denotation which he didn't know." Paul McCartney was also left handed...and a guitarist before he joined the Beatles. Since they already had two guitar players and they needed a Bass player.....he switched to playing Bass guitar and picked one that was symmetrical playing it either way....up side down....or flipped over in reverse so you couldn't tell if it was right or wrong just by looking at it?
And then there was Jerry Garcia. Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead )....when he was a little boy of about 4 or 5....had one of his fingers chopped off by his older brother while chopping some wood together. He learned to play by compensating for the fact that he was missing one of his fingers on his right hand and played differently in order to do this. What ever seemed to come from that.....never seemed to be a problem after all?
Another gifted musician whether you like him or not....Angus Young ( AC/DC ...lead guitarist ). When he first learned and actually to this day...he is shorter and smaller than average and has a hard time reaching the strings sometimes because of the size of his fingers. Instead...he just plays the same notes but in a different way and the results are what you hear. Other people have tried to copy his style and have all said...."easier said than done...it may look easy....but once attempted...;.couldn't do it? "
Another one....Toni Iommi ( lead guitar and song writer for the group Black Sabbath). Again....whether you care for them or not....they ended up inventing a completely different genre of music that endures to this day. His story was....he was in an industrial accident which permanently injured his left hand leaving him without the ability to continue to play guitar any more. He ended up re-tuning his guitar to a different tuning which relaxed the strings and made them easier to play. This tuning lent itself to the style and sound that was created by this variation which in turn... invented a new sound that set his apart fom everyone else.
The point here is not to sing praise for any particular style of preference of music. The point here is that in all of these cases....there was a a more extreme obstacle standing in the way of each one of these performers. And not only did that not stop them....they each became the "Best" or recognized as the "Greatest" and some of most influential musicians that ever existed in modern music.
And then you've got Beethoven....who wrote an entire symphony after he was already deaf and couldn't hear anymore?
As it appears....THEIR desire to do many things it seemed...outweighed THEIR inability to do them....
And then....simply believing they could do it because no one told them they couldn't. And even if that happened ( as it did with me )....they didn't listen and did it anyway.
This is not saying there is not another side to "doing things anyway just because you feel like it..." But I think there is something to be said about going with what you know is right for you.....even if it's not the same for someone else. All in good measure....for the right reason I think?
"and in the end....the Love you take....is equal to the Love...you make." (Paul McCartney...and the rest of his posse lol)
J
Oh Yeah!!!
Submitted by c ur self on
That's what I'm taking about....:)
C
Yes, great examples J!
Submitted by Delphine on
A strong desire to express and achieve, trumps any obstacles, except perhaps lack of talent...and even then people can still make their mark :)
Better late than never !
Submitted by ADH9er on
NowOrNever, a belated word of appreciation for your kind and thought provoking reply to my poem.
I am humbled to know that what I am compelled to unscramble for my own minds health, mending and survival, speaks to others. I do intend to 'eventually' (a word that strikes trepidation to those near to ADHD'ers), continue my story in the same honest jounra, to, as best I can, capture not only the relentless inner complexities associated with being undiagnosed, errrrrrr, then diagnosed as an 'over the hill?' Adult, errrrrrrrrrrrrr, and so on, along with my perception of the interface with my wife and family, not to conclusion, just further along.
And speaking of Life Journey Articulations, I would be blessed to read your 50 something rendering if you are inclined to share it. (That which you spoke of in the Un-edited version of this post that was captured in my e-mail )
Again thank you for your connective response, and I agree - She is - (my Princess,) a Gem.
ADH9er
Good morning ADH9er
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
... the day is calling and I'm headed offline. I have a riff on narrative, and then I end this post with a joke on me, followed by the big issue to me in your post, something that you said
The Riff
I appreciate what you wrote in your post. I think it's a deeper thing than a clever explanatory device when "they" say that people are constantly living to fulfill a story of themselves and outer reality that they have running in their head. Hence the human usefulness of writing poems, painting pictures and telling stories.
And at least as I'm getting through life, it seems about me, that periodically the sum total of what I know about me and what as time passes I've additionally learned about the world outside of me has changed, so much, that my old story that I'm living in and seeking to fulfill doesnt fit well enough any more, and I have to tinker, changing the story line and my own actions to kind of co create with new actions and an accepted revision of story line to fit my recognition of new things in the world outside of me. This may not be you and your story/actions, but it has been what I've had to go through.
I think it requires a serious judgment call that only I, or in your case, you, have to make periodically, as to whether it is most valid and healthy to cling firmly to an old story and live in it, despite the outside world's changes, or to recognise by one's own lights that it's time for a story change, which will press me to make some changes in my actions.
When as far as I know, my old story still functions for me in the present, I chug along, acting in my story (which of course has other people in it, my work, lol, my body, double lol my understanding of the U.S. economy, the whole woild). And I dont think about my story much.
In my case, though, when I'm in big transition, I start to dream heavily. I think bits and pieces of the new story that is there already, or is showing up, but I havent taken it in start pecking at me in dreams, until I pay attention to them, and bits and pieces of my old story that dont fit so well. I tend to write more poetry in these transition times. Seeing to name and see. I think some of the posts on this forum read like their writers are hunting the big game of story change, seeking to name and see.
Woman in search of the new song that, faintly but really, she can faintingly hear. The newly adjusted story, that I cannot deny because it better fit what I now can see, eventually comes to shore of consciousness, so that I now act in it...life becomes familiar again, and I go on, and for awhile, dont think about the story much, just act in it to fulfill it. Hahaha, because my life is definitely not flatline, it more looks like a diagram of the stock market in the U.S. Between 1980 and now, I'm learning to take the familiar, rowing along with my story phases when they come in my life and to accept that dang, it's change conniption time, when the conniptions start up again, what I do doesnt match any more, the dreams start up again....and here we go again, story modification time again.
The joke on me
You asked about something that I deleted a while ago? Whether or not it's true of your ADHD experience, the professional "they" say that ADHD time, perceptually, divides between not now and now. Not now usually including the future
MY non ADHD perception of time has now not now in it, all right, and I can humorously and truthfully swear to you that my not now tends to be my past. Future is kind of dim to me, too. I kind of expect it to be there, eventually. But past? Except for images, which I do retain, etched, all the way back to what I saw peering out from under pine branches at the age of two, or the face of my future husband on our first date. hahah I cant remember. There's too much data flood. And it's not Alzheimers, creepin' up. Needless to say, if inundated daily as I am inundated with new stuff coming in, I cant remember what I said and did, after awhile, I had dang well better do my best job of telling the truth at the moment and acting like a decent person. Or I will have been a skunk in the past, I dont remember what I said or did, and all these people will be coming up to me in the present and saying "why were you such a skunk?!!"
Finaaly, and most important to me, you
I completely respect what you pointed toward with your words, the field shift for you of living not knowing you had ADHD into your adult life, and then discovering and taking recognition of yourself well into your adult life that you have it. And have had it.
You and Liz are both hugely at work on story change. TWO stories changing. Not just hers, not just yours. While in relation with each other. Which means that there's a third story in new motion as well.
I'll look back in in a few days. Offline with my husband calls. Best to you this morning
Telling Right From Wrong ADH9'er
Submitted by kellyj on
If I could pass any bit of wisdom I've learned with any of the things you are going trough with Liz. (Speaking to Liz here too...maybe a little more to her because of the times I've heard her anguish over this )
That story? Or journaling as you say in helping you figure out the workings of your inner self? That's really helpful and those are just tools.
But they way you learn to use a new tool is actually from the experience of using them. This....I know you know.
And the only way you will know what is right....or what is wrong in this one respect.....is using the tools and learning from experience which means time.
What I have found as an absolute universal truth (from that experience I'm talking about? )
You get use to paying attention to what is going on around you.....but you aren't necessarily paying attention to what's going on inside you. To use the tools in your work.....you have to be paying attention to the outside.
To use the tools I'm talking about....you have to be paying attention on the inside. Not trying to change or do anything...just watch and pay attention....just like learning any new tool and watch how it behaves and works.
What I know without a shadow of a doubt now from doing this?
Some things feel wrong and you shouldn't do those things.
Some things feel wrong but you should do those things.
Some things feel right and you shouldn't do those things.
Some things feel right and you should do those things.
The is no book or no amount of reading that can tell you which one to do and how to the tool that will tell you which one to pick.
The only way to do that....is to test it and try and see if it works from experience. Which means....letting go of the story, what you were taught or told to do, forget about what you read in a book....and try it and see if it works.
The two most difficult ones to get past even when you do all of that....are the ones that feel wrong but are the right thing to do. This has nothing to do with laws or things written. The only way to know is to ask someone who's been there to help decide if you should....but once you even know that.....you still have to do it before you will actually learn anything new.
What feels wrong in so many cases I have found.....is exactly the right thing to do. Doing what feels right or what you've been told, read or learned in those cases.....is exactly the opposite of what you should do even if it feels right.
But once you experience that even just once.....you will know what to do each time you get there immediately and you will not hesitate to do it again.
But....as they say....."you can't get there from here."
The only way is to experience it and that will be the transition from..... here....to there.
It's the only way even if it feels wrong at first. But, you will know it when you get there with no questioning it for sure....that's all I can say.
J
try it and see if it works
Submitted by dancermom on
Amen to this thought, J. I grew up with a fair amount of religious overcontrol, was trained not to trust my own "gut" or even to be aware that I had one. So, early in my young adult path, I got to explore becoming aware of my own radar and following it even when it might be "wrong" (displeasing to some others). This was important, because a completely other-directed life of always trying to please and be "good" was miserable (and full of conflict when those others didn't all agree, who should I please? Oh no, I have to decide.). And by the way I was failing at being perfect.
Many experiments later, I came to something like your 4 part statement. Because, some things that were in my comfort zone "seemed right" were absolutely keeping me stuck in my toxic family of origin modes, and other things that were out of my comfort zone "seemed wrong" but turned out by experiment to help me grow into new better patterns in the long term. I needed to refine my sense of my radar (and "seems right") to include not only short term comfort, but overall better feelings and functioning.
It isn't always easy for someone who has been overcontrolled to take a suggestion for an experiment from a therapist or book, or peer, or spouse. But I'll never know how the experiment will turn out unless I give it a try. I know that my own difficulty with taking a suggestion is part of the baggage I'm still working through - and that knowledge can give me a boost to make decisions to give some experiments a try.
Also though, my own radar is getting better and better at seeing what is safe and unsafe for me. It's a dance. Over time, I have made better and better decisions about who is a safe channel for me to get suggestions from.
dancermom, Amen to your Amen
Submitted by jennalemone on
I was just at a funeral in a church of my original growing up and all the photos of the white males in suits hung above the entryway. The "word salad" sermon (yes, there are sermons to be listened to in the funerals) had no message other than using those same word confetti without meaning that I grew up on. I'm not saying the faith in churches have no meaning. I am saying the way the old miniters spoke was full of words that, Like Sarah Palin and Donald Trump, are used to ring in our ears without an exact decipherable message that could be appropriate and relatable. Just scary and overpowering and confusing enough so that if said with volume and confidence a young person just blindly accepts that these people know what they are talking about and are followed. Those repetitious words of clergy clanged in my head for decades. I wondered why I seemed to have no intuition, very little entitlement or self direction in my life. Figuring all those years that it was just feminine pure and humble that was supposed to be the ideal way to be of my youth. I always waited for some authority to tell me what was right and wrong because God forbid I did anything wrong.... tormenting in hell, you know.
You sound like you are working on this at a much younger age than I am. Good for you. What was once normal, accepted and REQUIRED in my original neighborhood and growing up years is now symptoms of the weak-willed, enabling and stupid I am working with a counselor too to find out if I even have a self-hood anymore to permit me to be a strong woman and example to my children and grandchildren. I was conditioned to be nice and obedient to authority and the Word. It turned out that I became obedient to anyone who spoke with authority over me. And I had a liberal education whose aim was to teach us to think for ourselves. I just never dared to stand up to clergy or authority. Think how many of us are programmed to obey any authoritative voice. It is scary that so many people can be manipulated. We who like to keep peace and do not have a fighting nature.
Hence I have been easy pickings for anyone who felt entitled to whatever I could and would give to them. Being nice at all costs to myself and my children.
The thing is, that I did not permit myself to fight for my self or my wants and needs. I learned somewhere that I was not allowed to HAVE wants and needs....only to serve God and others. BUT now that I realize that my children and grandchildren need to see a strong woman....not an obedient girl, I MUST work on this for their sakes and for my sanity. No more being the strong silent type. That did not work...does not work. I must stand up for what I believe. I need to know who I am and what I believe before I can stand my ground without giving way to others all the time.
The thing is, I was taught what to believe. I was taught to believe that others had my answers. That all my answers were in the Book. I prayed and searched the Book for my answers for decades. I listened to experts and holy ones. I ended up being a servant to obedience. Still I see mature adults being servants to obedience. Obedients to whom? to What? for what purpose? Writing this, to me, seems sacreligious. Yet it is where I am. What I did. What I followed. Doing this did not work for the glory of God. Not at all! I am not glorying God if I am just a puppet to everyone and anything else. I am a glory to God if I have a heart and soul that thrive and sing with Joy. I am a glory to God when I can hear the voice inside telling me that I am loved and accepted and part of this wonderful creation with faith and beauty and challenges.
Putting A Bow on Everything and Calling It "Good"
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi Dancermon,
Thanks for the input. I agree with what you are saying. I've always called it putting a bow on everything and calling it "Good". Even if it wasn't? Everything is fine. We're all Okay. Nothing wrong here. We're all good. Done with a kind of smile that is really not a smile. More like pulling the muscles on your face with no emotions behind it. If everything is always "Good"...(since we're good church going people and bad is bad...and good is good....and we're all good ) How can there be anything to contrast or compare against to know if something is wrong or bad?
I really don't know exactly why this happens either except for this very confusing mixed message that gets sent. I do know where it starts though since this happened to me directly.
Sunday school for pre-schoolers (prior to 1rst grade) was run and taught by volunteer mothers doing their part to contribute to the church. Unfortunately....there's not real training as far as I can tell in the Church we attended and as much as these well thinking ladies are just doing their best to pass on the stories of the bible and introduce them to the kids while kind of baby sitting for them to keep them out the main service. Your going to get some variations and personal interpretation in there that might start things off with an different interpretation that way.
As it was.....I got thrown out of Sunday school for asking too many questions that these ladies couldn't answer and they actually got angry with me for asking them. My mother was told I was a disruption to the entire proceedings and I could not return.
To this day.....I still want to know how Jonah could breath inside the whale and not die? lol
But even more importantly.....how did the Penguins make it to the Arc from the South Pole? And why didn't the Lions and Tigers just eat everyone once they were all inside? Answer me that?? lol
When you get ejected for asking honest questions like this and everyone seems to be hiding the answers to you that seem reasonable enough....while smiling all the time when nothing is funny? You really begin to wonder especially when those smiling ladies get angry just for asking a simple question....and then your Mom tells you that you're not allowed back but can't explain why?
These kinds of things will really screw up your radar in a hurry starting at an early age. lol
Quick...put a bow on it and smile. Nothing bad here....it's all Good:)
J