Submitted by jennae on 05/01/2016.
How do you find a therapist who is experienced in ADHD couples? I secretively asked my husband's doctor for one for me to see to try to learn to cope with his ADHD and stay married. After waiitng months to get in her schedule, I' ve had several visits where I always leave feeling like I've wasted my time and money. Not one bit of advice on how to cope other than seeming to support divorcing him or "assertiveness training" for me which has thus far involved my writing down when I feel I wasn't assertive.
I need help on this rollercoaster.
I wish you well in your endeavor...
Submitted by c ur self on
To Cope with: To deal effectively with a difficult situation....I think you are after the same thing many here are.....If a person's life style isn't one that works well with others, then we have to let wisdom guide us in how much interaction we can afford to engage in and still have a peaceful existence....
The trick for me is to accept this, continue to love, and not consider myself a victim for the things my mind will tell me her life style is causing me to miss out on....My path may be limited to some degree based on her life style (Because she is my wife)...But, I'm finding out I have a choice to be me:)
A couple of signs that you are gaining ground on this coping process are...When he (his living of life) isn't dominating your thoughts...And when you have peace with the fact that addressing adhd behaviors in an adult, verbally, isn't needed.. (Mothering) And is really non-productive most of the time....
Blessings
C
What's the difference?
Submitted by jennalemone on
There is a recent thread started by dvance on this forum that asks....What is the difference between acceptance and giving up? This thread reminds me of that question and it is a good question. I will put it out there again.
What is the difference between acceptance and giving up? Now that I am practicing accepting in my marriage, just watching and listening without my own emotions reacting, I am at the door of giving up. When I let things roll as they do without my intervention, I see chaos and defense/offense and not love. H shows me daily that he does not love me. With or without ADD, I have not and am not loved by him. Acceptance means that you realize what reality has laid before you, that you acknowledge your own part and your own thoughts on the matter and don't try to "fix" reality.
Giving up means that you choose to stop the actions and work you have put into something, walking away looking to another direction. Letting go. Letting things fall where they may without you.
Some of us are trying to decide what is acceptable and how much difficulty we can live with and still have a fulfilling life with our own integrity. In my case, if H loved me and was honest with me, I could accept a lot of difficulty. It is not the ADD that makes me lonely as much as the dishonesty and offense/defense games he has used with me. Can I live with that? Can I accept THAT?
I know a couple quite well. He walks with canes and it hampers his work and their life. He has a disability. He is conversant and willing to couple and talk about meaningful things. His wife helps him and he appreciates her. They do NOT let his disability become an excuse for bad habits formed to cope with his disability. It takes extra effort on his part and her part. It takes extra planning and discussion to navigate their daily life. They love each other and she does not mind the extra effort she puts in to accommodate his walking difficulties. It can work if the person with the disabilities is willing to put in the extra work and appreciate the extra work of the spouse.
The difference between them and us is that H will not talk about things and we did not know about ADD. If the wife of the couple above expected him to walk and thought he was sitting because he was lazy, that would have led to a bad relationship. If the spouse with the disability would not talk about it, denied that he had it, was angry and confused and took that anger out on his spouse, that would be a bad relationship. Being a physical malady, the couple above is willing to discuss and accept and work extra hard, they could work together.
With a history of lack of knowledge and denial, my H and I are at the disadvantage with too many bad scenes, memories and feelings to forgive and forget with one of us stubbornly refusing to be vulnerable and get help. I am left with coping (acceptance) or leaving (giving up).
"We are not victims." she said with determination....alone.
Acceptance/letting go
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I too cannot let go of that post.....perhaps I am in denial of the outcome of this situation. "When you know better you do better". A marriage is about 2 people in it together.....however THEY decide to do it.....what part of that am I refusing to see? I am not interested in a power struggle....I am interested in LIVING.
Acceptance allows for Love...Giving up, allows only for blame...
Submitted by c ur self on
Jenna acceptance allows me to face reality. The first 4 years of my marriage was spent seeking to have a relationship that I deemed to be biblical and healthy. Which is fine as long as my focus was ONLY on me. The dysfunction and illusion was (and still is now, if I slip off into that mind) thinking I could have any impact on another adult by any means other than seeking to be this healthy example.
Acceptance isn't settling for something less than I wanted in a mate....It's loving what I have in a mate....There is a huge difference!....No lasting marriage where contentment is found is built on anything else but acceptance....We can be victims or we can be thankful...We can allow our minds to stay overwhelmed or we can live....It's a choice!
Once I started learning to break this mold of expectations I would talk to myself a lot :)...Mostly accountability soliloquies aimed at myself....Hearing it out loud helped me....I'm slowing gaining the peace God wants for me, and refocusing on my own living of life without all the unhealthy clutter running through my mind how I would change her or if she was different how my life would be better LOL.....
Like I've typed here many times....Acceptance of another person's reality doesn't mean you agree with it....It just means you want become hostage to the illusions that faulty expectations will always produce when you think you can change another human...The fruit of that will always be emotionally destructive.....
Blessings
C
Thanks, C.
Submitted by jennalemone on
Great words on this forum today. Finding strength and faith.
Thank you for your support.
Submitted by jennae on
Thank you for your support. Unfortunately I am losing ground. His behavior is nearly always on my mind. He explodes and rants and raves and I am coping with that better by not reacting, at least most of the time. But I'm not able to cope with the fact that I just have to live with this behavior. I'm so alone as he refuses to let anyone know that he had ADHD. He thinks his medication is fine, but it's such a shameful subject for him that I can't even bring it up in a gentle supportive manner without him shutting down. I want him to read The ADHD Effect on Marriage, but knowing how he rarely even reads something he wants to read, I don't have a lot of faith that will happen. He doesn't have time for anything, except of course hours of googling random topics on his ipad while channel surfing on tv... Same thing with the recorded seminar, I'm afraid to ask him to do that and at this point he has no clue and no interest in understanding the fact that his ADHD explains nearly every major problem we've have in our marriage, And I'm not blaming him, I'm merely finally understanding why everything that I have ever tried has left me so confused. Learning about ADHD has helped me tremendously. I'm patient, and laugh to myself with all the silly stuff that used to drive me nuts. I don't take it personally when he ignores me or leaves without saying goodbye. I've completely adapted myself to dealing with his unpredictability, to our inability to make social plans. I've been the supportive wife to does everything for him and has enabled him in order to keep peace to the limit that I can. I love him, but I don't know if I want to waste the rest of my life doing this. Others have said in the past that he loves me so much, but I rarely get a glimpse of that. I hate mothering him, but if I don't then he says I don't love him, and even when I do everything, I get told that I don't do anything for him. I never nag, in fact I so rarely ask him to do anything that once he got mad at me because I didn't need him. He says mean things and then denies saying them. And then his mood shifts and he asks me what is wrong with me and am I going to mope around all day. I don't deserve to be treated like this.
Now the icing on the cake is that I believe he is cheating on me... So while I think that if he also learned about ADHD and marriage and worked with me on both of us changing our behaviors together, I am hopeful that we could be incredibly happy. But I do not trust him.
I'm getting nowhere finding a local therapist, and I don't want to ask my friends because I cannot let anyone know that there are any problems in paradise.
Sorry to have just blurted all this out... I need help so badly, but I don't want to be told to just divorce him. If we didn't have children, I would have left a long time ago.
His behavior is nearly always on my mind
Submitted by jennalemone on
Me too. Because things don't make sense. There are half truths and teasing and sarcasm and lies. When we feel overwhelmed, we just stare at the problem without an answer to it, paralyzed.
His behavior is always on my mind because nothing makes sense...too many paradoxes. I am not on solid ground when I am with him so I am hyper-vigilent.
Jenna...I hear you, and I know how hard you've worked.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(There are half truths and teasing and sarcasm and lies)
If this is what you are getting for your attempts to communicate, why would you who has no half truths, teasing or sarcasm for him try to communicate??
If all he saw from you for the next 90 days is a smile and you walking away when any of this first started...(never a word in reply)...and going on with your day....He would want to know why you've cut him out of your life....
Then you can just hand him a piece of paper with this comment I've embolded...And tell him....This is what has stopped us from communicating....It probably wouldn't take 90 days.....
The only way to shock someone in an effective way is to take them out of their comfort zone without doing it in anger or giving them any where to blame it other than the reflection they see in the mirror......
C
The Heart of the Ninja
Submitted by jennalemone on
I was just on the internet reading of a principal in a school I work with now and then for years. The school started with 5 grades in the most disadvantaged part of the city. With great inequities of family life, economies, safety, resources, EVERYTHING is stacked against this school except for one thing. The Ninja Warrior attitude of its staff and backers. Over the past 10 years this small grade school that took over a delipidated old school building, is now a 5 campus system charging itself with changing the ATTITUDES to a CAN DO attitude. Not staring at its difficulties but rather celebrating with faith that more and more can be done. They are a testament that the efforts of the few can encourage and lead those who want better for themselves.
The response to those parents or students involved who do not join in the efforts and agree to the philosophy is that they do not get to be part of the school, ergo no celebrations for them...they can continue to do what they want but not with this school if they can't cooperate.
Some of us have the heart of the Ninja but it does not dare to come out of hiding for whatever reason. I think I will stop reading meditation books, how-to books, psychology books and give myself a diet of biographies of brave and strong people. Just a thought. Thanks for the responses.
I think your own the right track:)
Submitted by c ur self on
Here's you a couple to add to your list....Corrie Ten Boom and Fanny Crosby...
C
I understand....lostmyself.....
Submitted by c ur self on
There is a difference between adhd behaviors and non-caring acts of sin....No you can tell you what you should do...Just reading the honesty flowing from you heart lets me know you care deeply but you are hurting....I'm will pray for you and your husband....
Take care of your emotional and spiritual heath....IF he refuses counseling, sometimes a seperation can shock a spouse into reality if they are taking advantage of their spouse....To me a short separation even if not desire (and it usually isn't be the abuser) can help with reality.
When you loose the things you hold dearest...It's an eye opener.....
C
Thank you... From the bottom
Submitted by jennae on
Thank you... From the bottom of my heart