In my attempt to recognize (be aware) the warning signs, triggers, and common themes that surround conflict in my marriage, a few things are startling clear....Probably 85 or 90% of our worst conflict revolves around activities, 75% of these or outside the home (acceptance, and avoiding enabling has really helped on the day to day things in the home)...What I've come to realize is in many (if not most) peoples mind, they experience a loss of awareness when emotions are heightened or when they experience a peak in focus or desire for or in an activity, (and were talking most anything)....The love of frivolity and thrill seeking can border on addiction, just like porn and many other vices....
This concept is a good tool (identifying high probability moments, and working for change) in helping to reduce conflict, and it's not everyone's struggle, but, it's very prevalent in my marriage, so I thought I would share it....What happens during these times with my wife and I are we place different levels of importance on the activities...Now to keep this honest and real, I must add that I can be real patient for long periods, if the activity is something I enjoy...The problem usually isn't the enjoyment, we both can experience fun and enjoyment participating in the same activities...The problem surfaces when the focus, or tunnel vision of the activities causes a shift in priorities, or when priorities are askew to begin with. When awareness of real life issues are lost on a mind locked into self-absorption or self-entertainment mode, then, in those moments, any attempts at communication will drop to almost nothing.
If the big picture of life (adult responsibilities) can't be viewed or has no importance in a mind then any verbal communication attempt revolving around real life issues that would even momentarily distract from the hyper-focus will always be viewed as a bad thing...
I'm still working and Praying for light and some conclusion... If I set up boundaries to protect in every activity, trip or vacation, we would never do much of anything together outside the home....But, to be perfectly honest I want peace in the marriage, so if it means all outside activities will be w/ other family members or alone...I can do that...And she definitely has shown she can. I think I will try to make her aware of these facts at some calm moment, and see if she can easy out of the blame mode, just long enough to accept the reality of it all....
It takes only a few tools to have verbal communication with your mate, other than speaking the same language....the ability and willingness to listen...the ability and willingness to share with kindness....Acceptance of reality!...That's it....
Blessings
C
