Hello everyone:
I used to post here under a different name and had to discontinue that name due to security reasons. Things got very difficult for a while and I thought it best that I didn’t use my real name.
A few months back if you told me that I would be posting in this area of the forum I would’ve told you that you needed meds (no pun intended). However, I am here and what has happened in my marriage is nothing short of a miracle. I'm just soooo thrilled. I'm just so happy that my will and God's will matched up on this one. :-)
I don’t want to drag this out into some big novel so I’ll do my best to recap briefly. I have been married for 5 years and my husband has had ADHD that entire time. Actually, he has had ADHD since he was young. He was diagnosed in the last few years and is on meds. The meds only helped to a point and got his job on the right track but our marriage had not improved at all. Last year at this time I had given up, was about to engage in an affair and wanted a divorce. I was at the end of the end w/ no rope to hold on to. I was overworked, underappreciated, worn-out, disrespected, demoralized, filled with hate and consumed with resentment for the man that I vowed to stay with until the day I died. Though this I never stopped loving him but I just couldn’t live in the emotional pain I was in. I couldn’t love some one so much who showed so little care, concern and respect for me. In moved out in May, woke up in June and moved back realizing that my marriage deserved more than me running away and so did my daughter. I woke up too late and my husband was now emotionally disengaged from me and in an affair with another woman. We had divorce papers drawn up and he was going to divorce me. I desperately fought to keep the marriage together hoping he would realize that what was wrong with us wasn’t “us” but the ADHD and lack of respect and communication from both sides. We were at the end of the line when all of sudden he just made this incredible turn around. He came out of the fog of the affair and told me that he realized that he was the main problem in our marriage. He admitted his ADHD was a huge issue and that the affair was just about shiny, happy, new and not anything real. He ended the affair that day. I admitted to my issues as well and we both agreed to move forward with help from an ADHD coach. We found a terrific coach and with her help we have made more progress in 3 sessions than almost a year of marital counseling. It’s like having an interpreter. Are we in nirvana? Not by a long shot…but at least we have a shot now.
Here are some signs that we are making progress. I have not asked my husband if he has taken his meds since we started with the coach. We has started using lists and using a calendar. We had a discussion about money (he wanted to spend some that we didn’t have) and it ended up with us holding hands and in agreement not to spend the money. We have found two things that we enjoy doing together that hold his attention and lead to further communication afterwards…Wii, Rockband and listening to books on tape in bed. Where we still have a very long way to go is in his computer gaming obsession and his ability to see where his actions affect me and our daughter. We also need to work on making a physical connection again. There are trust issues that may never been fully dealt with an wounds that may never fully heal. The meds really mess with his libido and that’s been a HUGE problem for us. I have to also make more progress with my co-dependence and mothering of him along with learning to ask for what I want/need and not waiver on bottom lines. I also have to be very honest with him, with everyone. Its hard in a coaching session to say "I have a hard time respecting him for how he is" and not cringe at the words as they come out of my mouth. Honesty has just not been the tenor of our relationship.
The bottom line is, for today, I am married, happy, on the upswing to sane and blessed that I found this forum and site to give me the tools to lead me/us out of the abis. I am grateful to God who lets me lay my burdens on him when I can’t carry them anymore. I’m so blessed to have married a man that had enough character to admit that he has a problem and is really doing his best to help himself so that he can be the best dad and husband he can be.
I used to love and hate posts like the one I just read. I would read them and think "what does she have that I don't. Why did she get the golden ring". The anger chocked me at times. However, more than anger, I received hope from posts like this. Hope that kept me hanging in there when so many told me it was better for my daughter and I to leave...hope when I was lost, hope when I was sure it was all my fault this was happening. I hope, somehow this gives even one person out there reason to believe and hope and maybe find that shred of love for their spouse that remains. I'm not delusional. There are really unhealthy relationships and mine was getting to the point where leaving was the only way to save my daughter and myself but then God chose another path for me. I don't know why and might never know. My job is to just give him praise and let him guide me through.
Peace to all....
G
awesome.
Submitted by tracsport on
Thank you....is all i can really say.
I have been married for 5 years, and just recently diagnosed with adhd. My wife and I are separated, and she has my 1 month old son and my 3 year old daughter with her. This has forced much reflection....and working on my life alone. I could see your pain, your frustration, and I am starting to see what the last 5 years has done to my wife. Sure there were good times, but man I was stubborn, cold, and frustated about trying to do the right thing and never did.
I have just completed my first month of counseling and been on new meds for about a month as well. This battle is going to be ongoing, but I feel finally I have the right direction....my wife came down to "our" house to visit and take care of a few things with my son recently, and I finally manned up and told her I want her back, and want the family back together, but ...........and this is where I just let it all out...........I want her to want to come back.....I want her to understand, its not the same old same old......yes I am changing....but more importantly, I do not want her to come back if she does not feel comfortable around me. I was really scared to say that.....because I dont want her to leave me, I love her......but I needed to tell her how much she has meant to me, and I am willing to go at it alone.....without the support of family, to solve this problem. I am however, developing a good network around me, with people I work with, church, etc....to lean on when I need it. These sites, as well as others, and books and little things are also helping......I just had to share, and would love to get to the point you are at. I miss my kids.....a ton, especially my little girl who makes me cry when I get off the phone talking to her, because my heart is so heavy....
Again, the fact that you are working with it, dealing with it, working on solutions instead of living in the past speaks volumes. I respect you and your family for what you have gone through immensely. Thank you for sharing and best of luck with everything.....more stories should end like this.....
Ryan
Just curious....how are things????
Submitted by gratitudeiskey on
Ryan:
I was never able to respond to this reply but was on the site today asking some medical questions and thought possibly you might read this. How are things going? How are things with you and your wife? More importantly, how are you? I'd really love to see how things are progressing for you?
My husband and I are still continuing to go to our ADHD coach and continues to help us in our journey. There have been been some very difficult periods but we are still trying and doing our best to be responsible for our own issues and our commitment as spouses. He has gone a few times to see her alone and these sessions have been very valuable. I wish that we had enough money for him to go every month but we simply can’t afford it. It’s still very difficult at times. When he is not using his tools and back to the same old, same old, it’s very hard for me constantly remind myself that his brain just doesn’t work like mine. To be honest, I just want it to. I want him not to be forgetful and better with money and more affectionate and not so focused on his own needs and wants. But, that’s not who he is. I guess I could just end the marriage and just say that we were too different and this is too much work. Heck, I almost did that. I do feel that sometimes I’m stuffing too much and taking too much upon myself within the marriage…but THAT is my issue. If I feel resentment, that’s not my husbands fault. That’s just my feeling of whatever situation we are in. If he’s angry at me and I feel horrible about it, that’s MY feeling…he’s not in control of me, only I am. So, I have a bracelet with the serenity prayer on it to remind me of the things I can and cannot control. My husband is NOT one of the things I can control. I have to let him be him and the only thing that I request is that he works on getting better and is active and participative in his treatment. He has done all of that in spades. So, I just chalk the bad days up and try not to let the resentment fester. I go to my CODA meetings and talk to other wives of ADHD spouses. I am also responsible for MYself and MY treatment.
So, I’m still not living in Nirvana and, I realize that I never will…but I am living in “good enough”. Our society poo-poo’s good enough and feeds us the line that we all have to be happy. Well, happy is realative and happy is not about others making you happy…it comes from within. The people I find that are the unhappiest are the people waiting on external sources to being their joy to them…like a waiter. No, you need to make your own joy and your own happiness. This isn’t easy because our society doesn’t produce a bunch of self-soothing individuals. It produces a bunch of customers of the “Happy Market”. So, I just live day to day…sometimes hour by hour and try very hard to let the resentment, blame and pain go. When I operate from a position of love…I always win. It’s just funny how many times I forget that and the resentment wins out.
So, keep doing what you are doing for yourself. Take care of yourself because you know that is what will bring the peace and happiness you seek. With your wife on board or not, seek peace and happiness for yourself. However, I will still have my fingers crossed and say a prayer that, if you respond, you will tell me that your wife is hanging in there with you.
Take good care of yourself Ryan…I hope to hear from you soon.
G-