So - things have started changing... and I have NO IDEA what happened, or why or what any of it means.  This is a breakdown of what has happened.

For 7 years I have supported my husband and been there with him through thick and thin, no matter what - and I have worked with him on all challenges that have come up.  I have made plenty of mistakes, and I have owned up to them and know that everything gets better with work.

For the past few months, husband has been saying he is broken, feels controlled and believes that there is no future between us (a recurring thematic cycle in our marriage).  During that time, he still acted like a husband, still said he loved me, still was making plans for the future etc.  (this is a cycle he goes through every year). As with many of you guys - allot of the problems that are common we have faced (not keeping his word or his commitments, not following through with what he says, no trying to do the work and get help - only the endless "thinking" about it etc.  he feels that his responsibilities are just things controlling him instead of him doing what he wants when he wants etc).

Couple of months ago, I asked him if he was going to put his ring back on because things were really good with us (he had not been wearing it for a few months since the LAST time he said he didnt know he wanted to be married or not) - he said yes.  Few days later I asked when, and then he said again he wasn't sure that he wanted to be married etc - AGAIN.

Something inside me snapped - and so I decided that I wasn't taking it anymore.  My life would be what i want and I no longer would consider him part of the equation.  So - I stopped.  I stopped talking to him like he was my husband, I stopped thinking of him that way, I stopped hoping, worrying etc.  I never stopped loving him - but I pushed myself to move all my focus onto myself, my health and my future WITH OUT HIM.  I began making plans for myself.  I started thinking about what my future could be with out all the chains he put on me with his constant threats to leave.   I am tired of the cycle, I don't want it anymore.  I want a real relationship with someone who truly is in it for the long haul and not ready to run away like a little scarred bunny every time a loud noise happens.  you know?

So for 2 months, I have started working out, becoming stronger physically and mentally.  I have started operating on a mindset of "this is me and me only".  I have stopped worrying about what WE will eat for dinner and focused on what I wanted to eat (which is healthy and GOOD for me).  I have stopped worrying myself about his health, or anything like that.   I started making preparations mentally and logistically for when he would be leaving - because I am tired of the cycle and am no longer going to accept the excuses. 

2 weeks ago - something changed.... suddenly, he decided to do a project, one that I had been asking for for 2 years now.  And so he DID IT.  DID IT WELL!  (see my other posts about it).  And then every day he worked very hard to start completing all the things he left hanging where he never followed through.  That whole week he worked HARD.  In the blazing heat, and the work he did was... dare I say  - FANTASTIC.  As in - not minimal effort - but maximum effort.  No cutting corners, no hiding things or just making different piles of things out of old piles of things and calling it done.  I didn't think he would keep it up.  BUT HE DID!  THE WHOLE WEEK!    Then we had family come in to town and he kept things up while they were here - still working hard!  Then went right back to his work on his projects!

Then on last Sunday, unfortunately, he was watching a video that looked very inappropriate and I had walked up to the desk to grab my phone.  What I saw looked really bad (breaking promises bad) and I got VERY upset.  He came to me and asked me what was wrong - and I didn't want to talk about it but he pushed me.  So  - I basically told him it didn't matter because he was leaving.  And then I went off about the video and told him that while he was still here, I expected him to NOT watch videos of that nature while on my network.  It got ugly, and at one point I told him that I was fine he was leaving (which I am) but that the sooner he was out of my life the better.  I said it in anger, and while I know its true - the way I said it was wrong and I should not have.  He told me if I would just watch the video I would understand it wasn't what I thought.  So - he left to take a walk, and I decided to watch the video.  And he was right - it wasn't what i thought, it was actually an expose.  So I was totally wrong and jumped to a conclusion.  When he came back - he went out back to smoke and i told him that I did indeed watch it, that I was wrong about the video and that I was sorry.  And I meant it.  He came in after that and said he appreciated it.  Before this happened, he still told me every night that he loved me, and gave me a hug and a peck on the lips.  As I said before - it felt forced, and it felt awkward for me because I don't want someone to feel obligated to touch me!  NO!  And he also said he loved me every time he would leave, and every time he hung up the phone.  After this fight we had, all of that stopped.  Things were rather tense.

Monday - he started working HARD again - and to top that off.... he did 2 things that astounded me.  First, he brought me a glass of ice water while I was doing my workout.  He had not acknowledged that I had even been doing it for 2 months!  Even though he would watch me get up and do it - not even a word or a bit of acknowledgement.  But he did, and it was very generous and kind and it truly inspired me.   And in case I wasn't shocked enough, he went and changed his clothes, and got up on the elliptical himself!  HE WENT FOR a VERY hard interval program for a full 20 minutes.  I know it was hard, and he had to slow down - but he never got off of the machine.  He went all the way through.  Really - I wanted to jump for joy because exercise is so critical to managing ADHD symptoms (as is diet) - and this was the first time since he crashed almost 3 years ago that he has done it.  He never was as strong and confident and as happy as he was when he was doing his cross fit stuff and eating right.  I hope for him he is going back to that.  I really didn't think he would do it again - but he did.  Every single day this week (save for Wed) he got up on there and did a work out.  Wed. he had fighter practice so that is a HUGE workout.  And then today he had to run up to his mothers (in another state) and transfer a car to my niece.  I don't know if he will get on when he gets back - but it probably would make him feel less sore - but I sure wouldnt hold it against him if he didnt!!  Either way I am proud of him - and I made sure to get him a glass of ice water every time he stepped up.  I hope this is a new thing for him - him finding a new reality for himself. 

I KNOW this doesn't mean things are better between us - but I love him and no matter what I want him to succeed.

And then... OUT OF THE BLUE... last night he told me he "loved me, good night".   I had to ask him "what" because i barely could hear him - and could not believe I heard him right.  But that what he said.  So - I said it back.  And I meant it.  Then - he told me this morning when he left that he loved me.  And each time I got off the phone with him today when he called to let me know status - he told me he loved me.... I am really kinda shocked and not sure what to think of this.  I refuse to allow myself to think that he suddenly has figured things out and deep inside wants things to work between us.  I am still not sure if this resolve is real or another one of his 100 false starts.  Its hard not to be encouraged for him though.  Its hard to not hope that this is the start of his REAL journey working on his own healing issues from the CSA stuff, and learning to manage his own symptoms.

Please know - I am still planning on him leaving, nothing has changed.  Nothing except suddenly I am seeing tiny glimpses of  that guy who stepped up to the plate, who lived up to what he said and kept his honor and word back when he took REAL control of himself (the guy with the amazing floppy hair who was so excited to show me his muscles, the guy who was starting to realize he really COULD take things to the next level in his fighting, the guy who made my heart skip a beat when he would smile at me).  I don't know what to think, I don't know how to feel.  CRAZY!  I love him very much - but am at the point that I know I will not be happy with out my needs getting met.  And I am not saying he is working towards doing that at ALL - but I do think he might be seeing that he needs start being honest with himself about his life, and maybe... JUST MAYBE... he is learning that being honorable, and living up to his word and agreements, and actually ACCOMPLISHING stuff gives him more reward than any game, or any cigarette or any cookie and candy could ever give.  Who knows.  I just hope that he sticks to it.  I am not gonna say a word - this is his journey 100% and has nothing to with me and because I wont rock this boat for anything.  Its like he finally climbed into the rescue boat on the stormy ocean - and I am terrified to move because I don't want him to loose his grip and fall back out.   Regardless of my relationship with him - I want to see him slay the monsters.... I hate them as much as he does.  Even though he cant imagine it.