Many of us post here about lack of grooming in our ADHD husbands. Why is grooming such a big issue with them? My DH has the most disgusting feet and toenails you can even imagine. Why can he not keep them trimmed?? He walks around barefoot, if I can see them he can see them. I have asked him to keep socks or slippers on because his toes are gross and he tells me to get over it, it's just feet. Ditto the fingernails--long, hangnails, raggedly. Why?? Stuff in the ears--yuck. Why is keeping yourself together such a big thing? He showers every night and he does brush his teeth but his breath is terrible even still. I have no idea why. I am not being sarcastic--I want someone to explain the connection between ADHD and poor grooming. I wonder if it comes from the same place as the "not seeing the mess" comes from--like those of us with husbands that can walk right by an overflowing garbage can and literally not see it. That kind of thing--a lot of us post about that too--how do they NOT see _____________ (whatever it is). Maybe it's the same with grooming. I refuse to tell my 48 year old husband his nails need trimming. My two teenage boys don't need reminding for crying out loud. Don't you care what you look like?
dvance
My ex-h has skin problems.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex-h has skin problems. He pays attention to them but most of the time, does too much of the wrong things: long, hot showers; slathering on ointment; then scratching himself raw. For some reason, my dog, who generally is not much of a licker, is obsessed with licking ex-h. When ex-h was here in May, he sat across from me in the living room, scratching, scratching, scratching, and his skin started to bleed, and the dog was licking him even more than usual and licking off the blood. It was incredibly disgusting.
He also has unkempt hair, bad teeth, and stained clothing. I think he prides himself on looking like a depressed homeless person.
Hello To All!
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
Hello To All!
I am new here, as well as being 'new' to the world of ADHD. Well, not really, as all of you know... Just 'new' to 'THERE'S A NAME FOR THIS???!!!' Now, I have hope!
I have dealt with very poor grooming habits from my husband for 27 years... After reading and learning as much as I can about ADHD, I believe there are many factors at play here. To start with, I have learned that it is a 'common trait' for many afflicted with ADHD to have 'low self esteem'. I understand that poor grooming habits would go hand-in-hand with such feelings of 'inadequacy'. Also, as we all know, people who have ADHD are sadly not 'AWARE' of MANY things... This is no different... I have GOT to believe that nobody would 'CHOOSE' such a behavior as 'very poor hygiene', if they could...
What's weird is my H used to
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
What's weird is my H used to pride himself on his hygiene. He bragged a out it... But when we got together.. I started noticing he was not brushing his teeth. He would do it sometimes at night, but never in the morning. It was gross!!!! And now, well he might brush them once every couple of weeks. At one point I don't think he even had a toothbrush. I think it's related to depression maybe. His hygiene isn't very good at all. He doesn't wash his face, take care of his skin, and same thing with scalding hot baths causing sores and then on goes the ointment. It's bizarre to me. Sad thing is he is a very handsome man, but now that he is in his 40s, all of that is starting to catch up to him and I am worried that he will pay the price ending with no teeth, and giant growths all over his face. Already he has places on his nose that are worrisome... But I don't say anything because he doesn't care and will take it as me controlling him... He probably thinks it's no big deal, and right now it might not be... But keeping this up will surely end up causing a big deal, nerve mind what it will do to his "looks" that he is so proud of.
I know now my weight has harmed my appearance, but I am working on correcting that. But I take very good care of myself hygienicly. Once my weight is off my issues will be solved physically. For him, he isn't even trying...
I understand ALL of this...
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
I understand ALL of this... I hope that by sharing some things that have 'helped' my situation with my husband, it may help you with yours.
My husband is STRIKINGLY handsome, as well! You and I are both VERY lucky, in that way! :) But, not washing his face, brushing his teeth, cleaning out his ears, etc... was a BIG problem... After all of the 'gentle reminders' did not work... I would have him come into the bathroom so I could show him this 'NEW, AWESOME PRODUCT' that I discovered! ;) I would play 'beautician' and wash, exfoliate, etc... his face, so that it felt really good TO HIM! After telling him how 'BEAUTIFUL AND HANDSOME' he was, I would give him the product so that he would 'continue' using it, ON HIS OWN. Of course, he would need 'reminders' to use it, but he WOULD use it!
The 'tooth brushing' (or LACK OF) that you describe sounds TERRIBLE... That would be quite difficult to live with... My husband DEFINITELY has some 'issues' here... but he DOES own a toothbrush. Although, I can tell you that my husband likes to 'joke' that the last time that he was at a dentist, he actually GOT A TOY from the dentist. Yep! The last time that he was at a dentist, he was a LITTLE BOY... :( (About FORTY YEARS AGO). Thus, the 'tooth brushing issue' HAS been a bit 'difficult here, to say the least... I buy my husband all sorts of different toothpastes and mouth washes/rinses, etc... and tell him that he has 'GOT TO TRY them! I just KNOW that he will LOVE them!' I have also had to be a little more 'SERIOUS' with him... and 'remind' him of the time that I had to take my mother to the oral surgeon to have her 'remaining' seven teeth pulled, on the top, so she could be fitted with dentures... "You don't want to be like that", I will tell him. I also 'remind' him that there is a 'link' to heart disease and poor dental hygiene, as his father AND ALL SEVEN UNCLES died from heart disease... :( THIS ONE seems to have an impact... although... 'ADHD'... I DO have to 'remind' him OFTEN... BUT, it is 'worth it'... as, God forbid, I do NOT want him suffering the same fate...
The 'cleaning out the ears' issue is difficult, I know... but I just remind MYSELF that he CANNOT SEE his ears, as I cannot see mine... So, the 'gentle reminder' WORKS here. When I 'remind' him gently, he will go right upstairs into the bathroom and take care of it.
As for your own weight issue that you mentioned, forgive me if I am 'out of place' for commenting on this... but, I want to address it, since you brought it up. I hope that you don't mind.
I don't want to 'BLAME' ADHD for EVERYTHING... but I have read that is it VERY COMMON for the 'non ADHD spouse' to suffer from things such as 'situational depression' from being married to someone who has ADHD. 'Weight issues' would seem like a very logical 'by-product' of this... I can tell you that my own 'personal standards' regarding how I like to 'keep my house' has suffered TREMENDOUSLY because of this, I believe... It is probably a 'natural reaction' to sort of 'let things go', just out of sheer HOPELESSNESS... As DIFFICULT as it is... and I KNOW that it is difficult... we CANNOT let the symptoms of ADHD WIN! We just CAN'T! I have CHOSEN to TAKE BACK MY LIFE. I hope that you will do the same.
oh, teeth
Submitted by dancermom on
Teeth, so sad about the teeth. GMP, you sound so cheerful and patient.. maybe if I had had your skills years ago it would have been better. I feel like I have given reminders and made requests, but I would have to be on top of him every night at bed time and since he goes to bed at various times many hours later than me (after playing hours of video games) I'd have to stay up to do it. My husband is a very handsome man, too. But I stopped kissing him years ago. The rest of our love life is pretty fine. But his mouth- blech. And it's not like I haven't told him what I wish - for brushing and flosssing and I'll spare you the rest of the gross details. So sad.
He even knows that his mom had to get dentures at age 50 for failing to care for her teeth - but it doesn't make a difference in the short term like at 4 in the morning when he is going to bed. Or 2 or 3 or whatever it is.
Hello There, DancerMom!
Submitted by GiveMePatience on
Hello There, DancerMom!
BELIEVE ME... my 'patience and cheerfulness' has only come after MANY YEARS of realizing that my ANGER AND FRUSTRATION was ONLY making an IMPACT on ME!!! :( It did not 'jar' my husband into 'CHANGING'... Thus, I had to CHANGE the way things AFFECTED me.
If I may... I wanted to comment about the 'HOURS of video games' that your husband plays... Mine, too, USED to spend HOURS playing video games. Quite honestly, it was HOURS that he simply DID NOT HAVE... I noticed a PROFOUND 'change' in him... that I 'connected', wrongly or not, to 'video games'... and honestly, HAD TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN and put an end to it. I won't 'bore you with the details', but I had done some research on 'the effects of video games' and, although most of the information I could find related to 'young minds', it was 'compelling enough' to get my husband to STOP. Of course, it took awhile to actually get him to stop... but, he finally did. I am pretty CONVINCED that video games 're-wire' the brain. To the ADHD brain, which already has some 'issues' with 'wiring' and neurotransmitters, this CANNOT be good.....
If I may go a little further here... it COULD NOT HURT to play some 'emotionally moving' videos that your husband will see, of 'animal rescues' or things like people 'doing good deeds' for other people, etc... to 'replace' some of the 'sensitivity' that the video games destroy. This is NOT 'scientific'... this is just something that I did, as I became acutely aware of the fact that my husband seemed to lose an INCREDIBLE amount of 'sensitivity' and 'empathy,' after having played video games for so many years. I also bought some 'board games', puzzles, etc... that WE could do TOGETHER, which, hopefully, 'satisfied' his need for 'mindless entertainment', but also provided US with some nice 'together time'.
I know this is REALLY FAR OFF OF THE TOPIC of 'hygiene'.. but I hope that it helps! ;)
no nagging
Submitted by dancermom on
GMP, you are most likely accurate on the video games causing more problems. Yes, he plays into the night and takes it out of his own sleep. After several days of this he's a huge grouch and the impatience is through the roof. Then he goes straight to bed after dinner one night in 3 or 4 to "catch up". Doesn't say anything, just disappears and goes to bed.
Or, I'll come home from work and he'll already be in bed for the night. So, yeah. Obviously not helping with the balance and mood and tasks and relationships.
However, I am in observer mode. There is no hill I"m willing to die on right now, except physical safety. No Nagging.
I am prioritizing the recovery of my own natural self, and taking care of my kids. My husband is taking some baby steps in other areas - his own initiative - and I'm very grateful. I'm not taking on any conflict by initiating anything right now.
My husband is fully aware that he has a problem in this area. He has occasionally taken steps to stop cold turkey for a while. There is not a lack of knowledge about the consequences. My adolescent son and I have worked together on figuring out how much gaming for my son to do daily and how to set his own limits - talking about brain development, etc.. The information is completely available to my husband.
The only way I am willing to mention gaming to my husband is that I sometimes ask him when will be a good time to talk to him about something, and then I do wait until the game is paused or over - I won't talk through a game.
Oh no worries about pointing
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Oh no worries about pointing out about my weight. I am super aware of it. I have been dealing with a TON of things that have affected my weight - get this:
I snapped - and decided I had had enough of it - so here we are today. This all happened in a matter of 7 years. During this time, the focus has always been on H needs. putting mine aside. I feel like I have been carrying this relationship by myself. My stressloads are off the chart. I have high BP, insomnia and a host of other little small issues. But I am fighting them one at a time. FINALLY I have stopped the whole train of dealing with him, and putting all that love and care back into myself. I love my H, but he hasnt stepped up for me. He has spend 7 years insulting me by breaking promises and claiming I am controlling him - and yet cannot give a single example of it - all while dictating my very existance with his constant threat of leaving if unhappy. For years I bent over backwards and sacrificed so much to keep him happy - but it never really worked, his happiness is his own issue with himself, nothing to do with me. And he refuses to do the work to manage that. I am done suffering the consiquences of his inaction. I am not going to let the monsters that control him who destroy him destroy me. I have for 2 months started taking care of me, and have come to the conclusion that he is a big boy- he knows where the door is. he knows how to walk out of it and I nkow how to close it behind him. I wanted a life with him, I wanted to spend my days fullfiling our dreams together and grow old with him. I love him very much, and I am not afraid of living with out him and letting him go. I will not settle for this treatment anymore. I will not allow his lies of "trying" go unchallenged anymore. I wont accept the behavior, and i wont listen to the words. I am done with it. I deserve more. I deserve better, and I am going to do it for myself. I have to protect myself. I cannot follow him into his hole anymore, and I wont beg him to come out of it either. He is writing his own story, and he doesnt want me in it - and I am perfectly fine with that. Sure, it hurts, but I will get over it. I can say I can walk away from this with no regrets - because *I* did the work, *I* did everything I could to save both him and our marriage, but he is too lazy and to scared to put in the effort required. So be it. I can sleep with a clear conscience knowing that I did everything I could.
In a year from now, I will have hopefully dropped most if not all of the extra weight I am carrying and will be able to run my miles every day again (yay!). A year from now I hope to have the inside of my house completely finished, and be working on the outside - putting in new deck and pool surrounding, adding my cool stonehenge standing stones with carvings on them etc - turning my back yard into a paradise. A year from now, I will have my debt paid off, and be able to travel again. A year from now - I will have peace, and hopefully be past most of the sorrow and saddness that I feel right now.
If could have anything - it would be that my husband would pick himself up, and face his fears and manage his symtoms. Its the same dream i have had for years. I could see a future with someone who was trying. Even failing, but getting back up again to fight the good fight. My H runs though - he isnt a fighter. So I need to find a new dream. As I work hard on myself, and as I drop each pound, more of that old dream drops away from me too. Its my mental image. My health will no longer be a victim to the same ghosts to make my husband a victim.
So yeah, situational depression, stress, injury - all those things have contributed. And I will face them, and beat them. Because I know I can. :-) And I will no doubt fall and fail, and I will pick myself right back up because i know the end goal is worth the discomfort and pain I will have to go through to reach it. I know that pushing through the pain, the feelings of not wanting to continue, the discomfort is the ONLY way to get there.
Stacey...From the Objective Viewer
Submitted by kellyj on
I know for myself....when I get too many things going...it's hard to know where to start (I do have ADHD you know....that's one of the problems )
But....I'm pretty practiced at sorting this stuff out for myself...(lots of practice !! ha! )
If I looked at that list ....I'd work it this way. Not telling you what to do....being the objective sounding board.
First, the order you put these things are going to be reversed as you said them...probably since the first ones feel the worst and then so on......speculating. Reverse what you said at the end and go that route (if I was to see the finish line in the order in which it will happen ) since that's how you got there.....
running first, better sleep , weight loss, body feels better, more, injuries heal ,stress reduced ...and then last but not least....the situational depression will dissipate and disappear along the way and then one day you'll go....hey....I feel better? Not sleeping or not being able to sleep for me is always due to anxiety. I sleep at the drop of a hat so if I can't sleep....it's always due to anxiety and depression (stress ) Take care of those....and I sleep fine. Ever consider there may be nothing wrong with you (sleep disorder that they can't figure out) but you've just been in chronic stress for so long or are highly sensitive to stress and anxiety that those are the things causing you not to sleep? (sleep being the side effect of something else....not the problem?)
Lack of sleep can exacerbate your depression and stress levels (even bring it on ) but if stress levels and depression cause you not to sleep...they are working against each other and you'll never really get out of circling the drain so to speak?
I've got to say one thing that I am absolutely sure of. If you start running again and get your endorphins pumping.....your immune system will improve, you will feel less pain and depression, you're injuries while will hurt....a lot....probably at first, will begin not to hurt (as bad ) very quickly once you start.
If there is one thing that I have gone through repeatedly in my life....is getting out of shape...and then getting back into again...and no matter how young or old I am...or how good a condition I was in before....it's like you never exercised in your life and it's never any easier.
For all the years I swam competitively....we took two months off each year...September and August. As of August 1rst...I was in the best condition of the entire year. As of October 1rst...it was like I had lost everything and had to start all over again. In that.... I did that for 12 straight years. And the first week if October....was like absolute torture. I could barely move my arms or even walk and I was limping around, dropping things and could barely lift my arms over my head it was that bad.
That was when I was 18 years old and less. It never changed.
And you know what....it's still the same today. Nothings changed. It took me one month just to get past the initial torture and not feel exhausted all the time. It took two months to start feeling stronger. It took three months to stop feeling any soreness or exhaustion and I was hungry all the time and sleeping like a log (for me...I was sleeping like a log after the first day lol )
And somewhere between 3 and 4 months....it would suddenly hit me....I was back and ready to roll.
Stacey....I've done that so many times...I can't even remember. But it's always the same and that time table never changes from the age I was 7 years old....to only a few years ago.
I think if you did that none stop for 3 months and endured all that initial pain....the other things would take care of them selves and you will feel 100% better. Forget about dieting to lose weight. You'll need the food when you're putting your body through the pain and rebuilding the muscle you're tearing down at first.... especially at first and you'll need the extra food you aren't burning now ..... to burn for the extra energy you need. If you diet and do that at the same time...you will be defeating the process. The extra weight will come off in it's own time anyway. Forget about dieting.....RUN!!!
What I found that work great first thing in the morning before I work out and it's easy. Buy a bag of frozen cut up assorted fruit, a banana or two, plain yogurt, some protein powder, fish oil and....a couple big spoons of frozen sorbet because I like it and it makes is taste good. I say....screw those who say not to put the sugar in their...blah , blah , blah "It's not healthy if you do that!!" That's kind of black and while thinking right there IMHO. I like it...and it tastes good....I don't CARE!!! lol (it won't kill you for sure....other things are worse than that and I give myself that luxury lol )
Anyway.....I throw that in a blender with a little juice or milk...and I got everything I need in a glass and only one item to clean when I'm done....and it take all of 5 minutes to make.( and it taste like a Milk Shake and I love Mild Shakes ) Done deal. I can tell the difference at 11:00am and I feel the difference in my energy level....at lunch I'm not as hungry...and I don't get the let downs in the middle of the afternoon....just from doing that smoothie in the morning and that's it. (a big one....like 32 oz )
Anyway Stacey....for what it worth....that's my personal cure for depression, stress and anxiety and I've been doing it for years with great success. And all the things you mentioned you are suffering from get taken care of with just doing that every morning. No Doctors or pills necessary!! LOL And it's cheap. ha!
J
Oh yeah.... I am gonna run
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Oh yeah.... I am gonna run again. Just you wait and see. I do a mile+ on my elliptical mon through Friday (20 minutes) I do strength and core training 3 times a week. I take supplements and amino acids daily. I cut sugar and carbs out save for my weekends, though I have cut back significantly there. I already can feel the crust of who I had to be breaking off, and who I used to be and who I truly am starting to show. I feel better physically than I have in 6 years. I suspect in another couple of months it will be very visible on my body too. ALready things are starting to get looser. Lol
that list, that wasn't in order of severity, it was on chronological order. I haven't had a moment in Almost 7 years where I wasn't facing a significan emotional crisis. And I have had enough. I could do it if I wasn't carrying it alone, but I cannot do it for both my husband and me by myself. It's time for him to take responsibility for his own monsters and his own issues. I wanted to do it together, he doesn't. S be it.
Funny about eating right, it's super hard at first, but slowly it's becomes habit and soon it becomes what you crave and desire. I love the way I eat now, and am really excited about the changes I am feeling in my body. It took 2 months to start feeling it, so I am really happy about it now. I am motivated. My future is completely optimistic.
i know that I will have good days and bad days. I still want to break down and cry my eyes out from the heart break. But I think about what I am actually giving up compared to what I am going to gain and I find my strength. I wish that my H would have found it in him to come with me. But I am not afraid of going alone.
Nutrition Tip That Actually Works
Submitted by kellyj on
I joined a gym a long time ago and they gave you 3 months free with your membership a nutritionist to try out. I went..."sure...if it's free "lol
Anyway....I have a sweet tooth and she said....he more carbs but with 0 fat if you crave sweets. Pretzels or Torilla Chips something like that. It's empty carb but it replaces sweets. I was amazed how well that worked. On top of it....I knew I needed more carbs every time I craved sugar so it gave me an indicator of what my body needed. Great tip and it works.
I still can't get past having some kind of sweet or desert at night after I eat. Life long habit since my mom was a pretty good baker. Pies, cakes....you name it. It was always there but I'm not one to binge until it's gone. Just a consistent habit of desert and I am jones'in hard if I don't get me some.
So....instead of going without....I ate more carbs and would go buy a whole box of those mints or chocolate covered molasses' candies (those thin little strips that come all packed into a box together? ) Every night I get one maybe two and that's my fix and as long as I keep my carb intake up....that's all I need to satisfy my mouth. lol
What ever works. Now if I would just do that again which I'm going to when I get finished with this grueling all day long grind of physical exercise that's wearing me down that I'm doing.....I might....get a routine again. Wouldn't that be nice? ha!
No two days are ever the same right now (or have been for over two years )....that's my biggest obstacle of all. At least it's not boring? lol
I did write the last two years plus the next year's goals all down on a time line...item by item with a time estimate plu some and handed it to my wife and said..."see.....this is where I was.....this is where I am....and this is how far I have to go....and I'm giving myself 1 year to finish everything on this list....in this order...and this is my plan....exactly in the order I'm going to do it. It's the same plan I've been telling you about repeatedly and now......here it is in Black and White!!! Everything you want from me...is on this time line somewhere and at the end (marked "Z" ) is when you will get everything you want from me.....and I'm not changing the order and that's that."
It was so funny too...because when she looked at it she went...".I don't know what all this stuff is...it doesn't make any sense to me? I just want these things I want that never get done. What are you saying....I have to wait a year? "
I repeated it again for her...."I said.....everything you've asked from me....is on this list...and when I get to the end....everything you want...and what I want....will be done...sooner if things go well but 1 year is how long I need."
Back to "I don't want to look at all this stuff and your plan...it's doesn't make any sense to me and I can't make out anything you've written and how that applies to these things I've been waiting for."
So I took the list from her hand and tore everything off it except for just the last line which read .."Z" everything done....1 year."...and then handed it back to her and said "there....does that simplify it for you?"
She just set it down and started to walk away and I stopped her and asked her if she could acknowledge me by saying that she understood that last part....the last line. She looked away from me and said "Yes!!!!" ...in an irritated voice and then said her usual."I don't want to talk it about it any more."
I said...."Okay...nothing left to talk about....I'm tired of hearing or taling about it so I'm just doing it and it will take a year. You're choice if you want to wait or not...but if your expectations are sooner than a year. I can't give you what you want that's the last word."
Routine was on the list after a few more things I have to take care of and everything she's every asked me to do was on the list right in front her in the order I'm doing them in. The one thing I made a point to say...was that the order is set....and I am not going to change it.
She was not happy in that moment....I can tell you. lol
But that was the other night after the down load of shame. Since then...she's be a lot more at ease. I told her exactly how long she had to wait for each thing , what order I was doing it, and included the things I have to do that are not on "her list" on a time line that there was just no not understanding.
In my case and my situation.....on this time line and order of things I'm doing....I'm not giving her a choice. Read it and weep as they say.....take it or leave it. In context...I think you'll understand Stacey. lol
J
Back on Topic For a Moment
Submitted by kellyj on
I have to respectfully say....that I know why? (speaking to the topic now...not anyone individual comment). I had to think about how to say this in a respectful way because it really initially made me sad and a little bit angry at first.
Not at the comments themselves so much....but in that what is so obvious to me....and not so obvious to the comments made that within the judgments and the criticisms...it did initially make me a little angry but I realize they are made out of ignorance and it wasn't intentionally made to be hurtful.
What made me sad was the reasons why?
Hygiene: The first thing that tells me I'm going into depression....ALWAYS.....#1...first on the list...is I stop taking care of my hygiene. (teeth, clothes, bathing...you name it) Anything that deals with my appearance or personal hygiene is depression. Straight up...for no other reason.
Situational depression due to my relationship....always.
When the relationship is good....my hygiene is good. When the relationship is bad....my hygiene is bad. Done deal. It's the canary in the coal mine that there is something really really wrong in my relationship. It's the first and most obvious indicator for me and it's always there with depression for me. I think it is part of avoidant behavior as well. Like the "ring of repugnance" you put out to keep your partner at bay .....but this is just the response to the symptom and usually the symptom has something to do with what my partner is doing ie:
-mothering me
-pressuring me
-shaming me
-feeling out of control of my own situation and usually caused by my partners unhappiness, contempt or scorn...shaming.
The big 4 that leads to situational depression. Dancermoms comment that everything appeared Okay and her H seemed fine and happy is not reading that correctly at all. Something is seriously wrong and it's not just her husband in this case. Direct cause.....relationship dysfunction and trouble. Big trouble and that should be alarming...not looking at it with disgust. That person....needs help...and needs help right away...but it's definitely not a good sign and a sign that involves other people and what they are doing. It's a manifestation of relationship discord,
This is not related to a biological physical depression. It is directly caused by things outside of myself that are causing me to be depressed directly related to someone...doing something....that causes this response inside me that gets manifested on the outside of me.
Biological manifestation of physical depression as Rosered was commenting about her husbands skin is the effect of her husbands immune system shutting down or becoming overwhelmed and which creates skin sensitivities and allergic sensitivities or a reaction like psoriasis almost as she described it that can also be associated with too much stress and depression as well. Too much stress over too long a time alone can cause this to happen even without the depression. That's an indirect manifestation from stress and overwhelm coming from the environment but not directly related to someone else specifically as is it is with the hygiene part but the hygiene part can also not be directly caused by what someone else is doing either. That can be just a sign of depression for me at least.
Both of these are manifestations of something happening out side of yourself and don't just happen spontaneously for no apparent reason however....both are caused by too much stress, overwhelm and/or depression and are a symptom that should be telling you that something could be really really wrong in your relationship but especially with your partners physical and emotional health...instead of looking at it in disgust.
This person needs help and support...not to be shamed and rejected for it. If that's how you the person seeing this.....and that's the response you get from other person when this happens....then they are part of the problem....not part of the solution but saying....understandable from not understanding or reading this correctly out of ignorance. Saying...understandable but none the less...damaging.
The biggest and most prevalent concern from how I am seeing it however...should be in fear for that persons health and safety since that persons immune system is being compromised as far as the skin reaction and allergic psoriasis type auto-immune response where your body is literally...attacking itself. This is a serious....canary in the coal mine and should be read that way if you are not doing this or seeing it for what it is.
The interesting thing I see with woman and my wife included....when she gets depressed....her outward appearance does not suffer including hygiene or taking care of the way she looks.
Same with other woman I've known who suffer from depression. Like non - existent?
Interesting....since like I said....it's the first and always consistent sign of depression and too much stress for me. #1 on the list....and it's always the first sign that something is wrong....usually in my relationship or in some way related to my external environment and my relatoinship. BIG RED FLAG.
J
Sorry, J, but it's not my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Sorry, J, but it's not my fault that my ex-h has crappy skin. He lives with his parents. When he's here, I do not comment on his skin other than with concern and sympathy. It's questionable to me whether his skin problems are related to stress and depression, but even if they are, the stress and depression are related to circumstances that are under his control and that he has chosen not to change.
As I said Rosered.....
Submitted by kellyj on
There is no fault here...but crappy skin is a judgment. His skin condition is neither your fault...or that it's "crappy".
What it is....and I absolutely sure in saying this....is directly caused from something happening on the inside of him....and a manifestation of his auto-immune system. It has nothing to do with hygiene or being "dirty": on the outside. If I read what you are saying.....it is not questionable in the real cause of this....the facts are well known and available if you were to consult a dermatologist on this....but as I hear you....it's only questionable to you alone.
I do know for certain....with 100% accuracy if I read the symptoms...scratching continuously until he bled.....slathering ointment on it...and even in the taking of long showers to soothe this....would point directly to an auto-immune deficiency or allergic-type reaction of some kind...that can come on even if it never were present before....and spontaneously appear out of know where due to too much stress alone. Stress and depression can be the trigger only...but the immune system response will manifest itself in exactly the way you described it.
Too much hand washing can cause this in some people...but that because of the chronic wet hands and abrasive rubbing which is exactly.....a stress on the skin and hands.
But as I'm saying this....someone can do that for years (hand washing all the time) and that won't happen. It will appear when the immune system is compromised...and stress within a relationship can bring this one between two people. Two people meaning.....friction between two people and the stress this causes....just like with oveer hand washing.
This is without question....a stress related cause which then lowers the auto immune system to malfunction and it will start attacking itself. ....like an allergy....but chronic in an on going basis until the immune system is bolsterd enough to stop the reaction. Sometimes...once it starts....even that won't do it.
Ointment can exacerbate it if not the right kind....but moisture and ointment is exactly what you need to do. Best to use is actually Vaseline which will seal all the moisture in your skin in. Ointments with water base will actually cause it to get worse. He had the right idea whether he knew it or not? Thinking probably not. But the showers and the scratching will only make it worse. He had 1 out 2 right...even by accident.
I'm sorry that he did not go to see a doctor on this...because that is what a doctor would tell him.
I don't want to discount what you were saying or try to imply fault of any kind on your end...but without any doubt in my mind what so ever....and for anyone else reading this...I have to say that your doubting if this is related to stress and depression is 100% wrong in this one case. I am absolutely sure of what I am saying in what you are describing and the cause and are one in the same.
And no....his stress and depression are neither in his control...or not cuased any situation that is outside of himself. It's why they call it.....situational depression....it is caused by something happening outside of yourself 100% and your relationship with another person the friction caused by the interactions and stress are 100% the reason for this and no other. I am 100% sure of what I am saying...and for the benefit of someone experiencing this...I have to look past your own personal bias and self doubt and say this on the behalf of someone who is suffering for this and is in search for some help.
As I said.....these things happen due to ignorance and no one is at fault. Knowledge is power...and power is control and knowing what to do in a situation in things that are out of your control.Ie: immune deficiancies, depression and stress due to circumstances. You cannot control things outside of yourself which cause these things. Situational( external friction and stressors on your body...from the outside which can be other people as a I'm saying this as just one possible source).....not biologically induced as in some genetic or inherent weakness or disease. An "Allergic reaction"...is a good point of reference here.
"Crappy"...is a judgment...and has nothing to do with it. That's your judgment Rosered...that comes from you alone and has nothing to do with your H's skin. But also saying....that constant criticism or judging someone chronically over time in this way...is a stress inducing factor from the outside of you...that can trigger this kind of reactiona and also lower you immune system after too long of an exposure.
If you were telling him repeatedly that he had 'crappy skin and it disgusts you"....that's a external stressor and it comes from a situation (as in the physical location you live in and your environment.(friction...rubbing ...as in too much hand washing) ..and that can do it. It's all it takes to start this kind of chain reaction within the body after too long a time.
This is scientifically proven and is well know as accurate 100%.
J
J, ex-h has had skin problems
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
J, ex-h has had skin problems his entire life, I do not tell him repeatedly or at all that his skin is "crappy," and he enjoys the attention he receives for his skin problems.
Rosered....Because I Love You
Submitted by kellyj on
as a human being...and saying this to you as if you were my own mother. That horse is officially dead. Putting an ex in front of H and saying things as if you are still talking to him in the present "as if" you are still married to him after this much time already being divorced (but still grieving I'm sure no doubt)....I'm saying to you compassionately....that horse is now buried six feet under ground.;...and if you don't start seeing your relationship as that horse....then your going to stay six feet under ground and never come back to the surface again. It's time to stand up and be counted and not see your ex-H as nothing more than a man you were once married to but not anymore. That horse is certified dead and six feet under ground. Don't stay there any longer than you have to or you might not come back up again and I would hate to see that happen to you.
With all due respect and caring for you as a human being and not a non-ADHD ex-wife.
J
J, I've been divorced for two
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
J, I've been divorced for two months. I was married for 30 years. I believe I have something to offer to other people here who are dealing with spouses or partners or ex-spouses. I think I have more to offer on the topic of my ex-h's bad grooming than you have to offer on the topic of my ex-h's bad grooming. I know him; you don't.
Rosered.....To Be Sure, Off Topic
Submitted by kellyj on
My sentiment was genuine on your behalf completely off topic and not in relation to the topic or your husband. I've actually been following your story as long as I've been here and paying attention to you....the person not anything you've said here about your H or his grooming habits or the topic of this thread.
More in terms of the future and looking forward which comes from my fears and concerns for you as the person and not being invested in this topic, or trying to defend your husband's actions what so ever.( or his grooming habits or crappy skin as you say. That wasn't my intention or where my sentiment to you came from just so you know.
As I said if you were my own mother. My comment came directly from my own experience with being divorced and moving on and moving forward....and witnessing my own mother being separated from my father by death (in her case) and remaining in the past and never come up to the surface again (remaining underground for the rest of her life....metaphorically speaking)
To be sure....my sentiment was directed solely to you on your behalf ...and not in relation to anything you say here about your exH or questioning your motives or what you know about him. To be sure and with your future in mind....off topic:)
J
appreciate your effort
Submitted by dancermom on
J - I'm sorry my statement comes across as contempt. I do view my husband's dental hygeine as a fixable problem that he manages to not know how upsetting it is to me, though he's been told. He does go to the dentist, when his teeth hurt. He gets fillings. The rest - he seems to have a kind of "later" attitude about. His family growing up never supervised or rewarded teeth brushing and flossing (and neither did mine). His mom lost all her teeth at age 50.
I don't pound him on it over and over because I don't want him to feel bad about our love life -which I do enjoy. I have made my requests very clearly, and he seems unable to retain the information or put at priority on it at the moment of bedtime.
I'm not so sure everyone neglects their self-care through depression -even if that's true for you. Though it's possible you could be right about my husband being depressed due to relationship dysfunction, you'd never know it to talk to him. He shows up in the world as an aloof, superior, detached being who is slightly amused at the rest of us and surprised whenever he absent- mindedly hurts someone else's feelings.
The only two times in his life I've ever seen him appear to be a little thrown were 1) after the 911 attacks, 2) after a year of job hunting (and marriage counseling) he one night had a serious talk with me where he shared he was afraid he wasn't going to be abe to find a job and he sheepishly admitted he wasn't doing as much as he had been claiming to find one. In that second talk, he seemed really vulnerable and shaken. Most of the time, he cruises through life not even noticing how others react to him. I did take the opportunity during that second talk to ask him about how candid he thinks he is with me in general about troubles he is having - and he said that "it never occurs to him to talk about problems." So - I think this is more of the borderline autistic stuff. But I don't really know. He wouldn't get an individual evaluation or counseling, even though our counselor recommended it 10 years ago. He didn't view our marriage counseling as helpful. It was a pain in the butt he was doing for me, because I asked, and he just wanted to get through it and get it over with. He said it was like going to the dentist. In my view, the way he didn't really share anything there was like going to the dentist but never letting the dentist see your teeth.
A few years ago, at work, he asked for my help because he had a project manager who was really pissed at him for not taking direction and he couldn't figure out why she was so upset. He could tell he was getting in some trouble. It was really unusual for him to ask for help from me. He recounted to me some of the conversations he was having and I had to tell him my opinion was he was being a complete insubordinate asshole to his project manager. He just thought he was right about some things on the project, but when there's a difference of opinion and everyone has had their say - she had the responsibility to make the final call. The fact he kept coming back to her to tell her some more why he was right was his own interpersonal cluenessness. If he had any empathy at all, he'd have seen how much distress he was causing. He didn't. He was surprised.
I don't think he's depressed. But maybe he is. I do know he lives in his own foggy world. If you mention his teeth, he makes a sheepish look, makes a bunch of resolutions that are impractical, and nothing changes. Mostly, I try not to mention any of the long-term land mine kind of isssues any more - just too much negativity. I want the positives that are available. I was venting here. Sorry it sounds like contempt.
He never sweats the little stuff. Overflowing trash cans, beverage cans on the floor or his desk, pee splash all over the base of the toilet - none of this is ever apparent to him.
I do believe that all the anger and negativity I was throwing at him for years just made him further withdraw and pull away into his own totally escapist day to day survival world.
Thanks Dancermom But Here's the Deal
Submitted by kellyj on
The reason I know all of this...is because I've done it and still do to a certain degree even though I'm aware of it.
I also have had that reaction on my skin because of it...and went to a specialist who I was referred to because my dermatologist couldn't figure it out. In my case....I did have a sensitivity to epoxy resin hardner that I had worked with for years with no adverse affect. Suddenly....my skin was reacting in just what Rosered described and my immune system was compromised due to the stresses in my life at the time. I stopped using the epoxy hardner (the stressor) and bolstered my immune system and it cleared up and went away. Everything I learned from that expeience...I learned directly from this dermatology allergy specialist who explained this to me so I could take care of it myself since there is no cure....other than to get away from the stress causing agent...;and bolster the immune system. Cortisone will work but they can only give that to you short term. It will harm you in the long run so you're on your own to fix it by doing the things I said. The Vasaline was also what she told me about and why other things don't work like lotions and ointments which have perfumes and chemicals in them and are water based. Vasaline or pure oils will work the best as I learned. Messy.....but most effective for the skin and moisturing. In fact...if you want your skin on your hands to be soft as a baby bottom....rub Vasline all over your hands and put socks on to sleep in over night. You will not believe how soft and supple your hands will be since all the moisture that evaporates away...will stay in your skin and be sealed in over night. It's your own bodies moisture doing it...;.not something you try and apply to your skin in an effort to replace it. Try it sometime just once and watch how well it works. It's completely safe and non toxic...just a little messy and not all that comfortable. lol
Anyway...;the point wasn't to be harsh or criticize...the point was to say that i didn't know any of this...and had no idea why I did something that didn't make sense to me as to why I did it?
Saying....you H or someone like me before....won't know either...just like you. Ignorance as I'm saying it....is no one knowing any of this nd the reasons why until you do. No judgment on my end....just offering something to work with is all.
And just so you know....I recently came out of depression over this very thing with my wife and I and all the conflict we've been having....and brushing my teeth was the first thing I stopped doing and my best indicator that something was wrong with me.....this time however....I knew what it was. I've had to restart again...so this is all painfully clear and relevant to me too. When your too deep in depression like this...sometimes these indicator are all you've got to work with or see.....for both parties! LOL
Just here to help and I'm not offended but my feelings were real....but not directed at anyone here including you.
Thanks for responding and giving me the opportunity to put my two bits in:)
J
The whole teeth brushing
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
The whole teeth brushing thing is also the first thing to go when my H goes back to his old path. That one lovely time where he was all in and doing the work, brushing his teeth and showering were regular. It's one of the first things I noticed other than the look in his eyes to know something inside had happened.
many ways to neglect the teeth
Submitted by dancermom on
Guys - if someone is depressed or has low self-esteem (from being badgered or under appreciated or whatever reason) and doesn't brush their teeth, then it would be good to know that cause so the help would address the true cause. J - the way you talk about your own situation does not really connect for me with how my husband sounds. But this is all guesswork.
Also, though, to assume that everyone who doesn't take care of their teeth is depressed would be kind of patronizing and miss the mark, sometimes, I think. Believe me, early on, one of the things my husband made clear to me was that making assumptions about him and his feelings was really offensive to him. It's hard not to jump to conclusions - if he's acting a certain way (like I'd act if sad) and then I'd ask if he's sad... "NOOOOOO and don't make assumptions" OK! I have learned that he is really different from me. I don't assume I know what's up with him, and I try not to make a lot of inferences.
I do continue to have curiousity about what it's like to be my husband. But J - I don't think you are anything like my husband. You are way more introspective and interested in problem solving.
Here are some people on Reddit who say they have ADHD complaining about how hard it is to get past how boring it is to do mundane personal hygeine tasks.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/26f79p/is_it_my_adhd_that_makes_m...
https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/2mjzik/hygiene_troubles_anyone/
When I first met my husband's mom - the almost first thing out of her mouth was "I guess you've seen his feet and his teeth?" This was pretty appalling as a hi how are you moment! But I think in the brief couple of years that my husband was in hyperfocus and courting me - he acted unusually for himself and paid better attention to his hygeine. Then once he had me- it was back to normal.
As I Read the Comments...Dancermom
Submitted by kellyj on
In those two threads you included....it made me smile. Honestly. I could hear myself.....saying those things and going "yeah right....you are kidding yourself." (or lying to yourselves either way )
Those are 1/2 Truths....from 1/2 a brain being engaged. That made me laugh....I'll include why at the end of this thread and you'll see the humor. (1/2 a brain )
I could also picture myself sitting in my T's office saying those things I use to say that were similar and him going......something like..."nice try. Try again"
The one comment made at the very end of one of those threads was the one that caught my eye. It was the one as it appears to me....having this very issue at times that seemed to come from a person who had stopped long enough....to consider another alternative but was as of yet.....still questioning it for himself.
[–]TriumphantGeorge 1 point 1 year ago
Why?
Why? is this? Is is that everything feels like an insurmountable mountain to climb? Is that feeling just a "background feeling" that people have, independent of the particular task?"
FEELINGS DUDE!!!!!! BINGO. What IS....this "background feeling"? (better question to ask IMHO )
He was the only one who thought of this or had a "feeling" otherwise?
WHY? Why why why??????
Dancermom.....you said this..."I do continue to have curiosity about what it's like to be my husband."
I can tell you what it's like Dancermom....it's like being on autopilot...and then believing your own bullshit....until you finally wake up....and smell the bacon and realize those "first thoughts that run through your head" ( it's boring....standing up is boring.....it's boring. fuck that...it's so boring.....I'm bored....LOL what a joke!!!)...are mostly just rationalizations and excuses you've come up with to justify or explain yourself to yourself and then...to your actions in what ever pops into your head. It's boring????? Give me a break???? LOL
That's not why.....I can tell you first hand. But it made me laugh just the same. At myself sometimes however....I'm not like your husband as you said. I don't believe my own bullshit....that's the difference :)
I personally believe.....this is a "believing your own Bullshit problem"..and not directly connected to having ADHD but an associated problem perhaps.....and nothing else IMHO. LOL (still laughing at myself...because it IS what I truly believe. Thinking of myself in my past and hearing...."It's boring." LOL!!!!!!!! (give me a break)
There is NO reason directly related to having ADHD....that a person who has it....can't do something because it's boring. LOL!!!!!!!! That's not why I can tell you. LOL!!!!!!!
What was that background feeling again??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? You know....that vague....somewhat indescribable one that you thought about but really didn't have a good answer for?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
1/2 a brain https://youtu.be/uWkJnS8RHyE
J
Dancer - so funny you say
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Dancer - so funny you say this: " Believe me, early on, one of the things my husband made clear to me was that making assumptions about him and his feelings was really offensive to him. It's hard not to jump to conclusions - if he's acting a certain way (like I'd act if sad) and then I'd ask if he's sad... "NOOOOOO and don't make assumptions" "
My H gets all up in arms when anyone assumes anything about him - even when he is doing EXACTLY what we assume he is doing.... its crazy. He has reacted SOO angrily to me so many times, when I have confronted him about something I KNOW to be true - and acted so offended that I could think such a thing, and question his honor - the whole time I was RIGHT and he had lied.... I dont get it. Just own up to it - be a man, accept the reality that if you ACT a certain way, and you DO certain things - people around you will assume specific things. If your teeth are green and full of old food and your breath smells and your face smells like cheese - you can assured that EVERYONE AROUND YOU SEES/SMELLS IT and will "assume" you dont brush your teeth or wash your face. If you smell like smoke - you can bet people will assume you smoke. If you make promises and dont keep them, you can bet your ass that people will assume you are not one to be trusted.
Doesnt matter if you think you are the nicest person in the world, and that you "meant" it when you said it. What matters is what the end result is, and if you kept your word and DID the action when you didnt feel like it.
I dont always feel like Snow Freaking White and bounce out of bed with a bounce in my step and smile on my face, sometimes I dont want to get up and brush my teeth, get ready to work etc. And I can PROMISE YOU that I do NOT want to get up on my elliptical every day. I have days where I am sore, where I am tired, where I dont "feel" it - but I made a promise to myself that I would. And I have enough honor and character to keep promises to myself AND the other people I make them too.
Snow Freaking White
Submitted by dancermom on
Laughing so hard. yeah. me neither. I am not Snow Freaking White.
laughing is good.
I am down on the ground, not sure whether dopey, sleepy, or whatever, but off my high horse and not Snow Freaking White!
LOL RIGHT!!!! I swear, its
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
LOL RIGHT!!!! I swear, its like my H thinks he is the only one who has struggled and has troubles. Well he ISNT. I have them too - but I am a dammed grown up and I face them head on. I dont run from them because you cant run fast enough or far enough to get away from the PROBLEMS INSIDE YOU. You have to deal with them or die.
You can say brushing your teeth isnt a big deal - and it isnt, Its nasty and gross - but its not a end game life changer. It CAN however be a very accurate indicator of someone's mental state and ability to control themselves or live up to their responsibilities.
Yeah- I am also not waiting for a knight in shining armor - I got my own armor, and its better than anyone elses because its MINE. I also have my own magnificent steed and my OWN sword and I am NOT afraid to challenge a dragon who wants to get in my way.
Tooth brushing and Self Care....
Submitted by c ur self on
Very little is sustainable for extended periods; mostly by default...If it comes to getting up early enough to shower and practice good hygiene more times than not a shot to privates w/ a wet cloth and a quick hair brushing w/ baby powder and she's out the door...Very seldom shows the capacity to remember or be regular at much of anything...When you see someone w/ 3000 unopened emails, and 30 unchecked phone messages that they are to busy to deal with....But they can watch TV and play on facebook several times a day....RUN!
C......It's Shame
Submitted by kellyj on
My comment to Dancermom......that vague....somewhat indescribable feeling? Why do I get depressed and not want to look in the mirror long enough to brush my own teeth??? Because it's boring???? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
Shame.....that's your answer right there. Anything else is pure bullshit.....your own....if you believe it?? (speaking to those who have ADHD not you here C )
Better answer I think....is being disconnected or disowning your own feelings due to shame....and not wanting to feel it anymore than you have to. For as short a time as you have to ....or not at all if you can get away with it.....that only makes you more depressed than you already are.....
Put a bow on it....and call it GOOD.
J
PS C....thinking here.....this is a "shame management problem" as much as it is an ADHD symptom management problem that get tied together into one problem. Two problems with one solution but difficult to do...when you are already depressed.
Adding Here....Possiblities to Think About
Submitted by kellyj on
I just wanted to come back full circle to what I said about depression and stress....stressors anxiety that lead to depression.
At the core....it is trying to manage shame or feeling too much. That's a real consideration to think about as you see someone stuggling. As I do with my wife too.....I see it and feel her shame. Her shame she does try and pass off onto me and this DOES make me upset and angry sometimes. But at the core of that is my own shame....but I don't go around telling everyone...."hey....I managing my shame here....give me a break!!!!"
That would kind of.....not sound very convincing or believable if I were to say that even if I know it true? But it still leaves you to deal with it and manage it none the less. Having it thrown back at you or having to take on too much of someone else's shame all the time....will lead to depression and it is stressful and it will cause you to become overwhelmed....as the person who has to live with this from another person.
But....as I said before and including my wife into this.....I have my own shame management to deal with....trying to deal with hers at the same time is more than I can do. I literally had to find out why....I was back sliding like I did since I was not back sliding before my wife moved in with me?
And in the past relationships I had been in with someone who did not have ADHD themselves....I was managing that better (and now would do it well) without having to deal non-stop with someone else's shame 24/7 while I had gotten to the point where I thought....this was all a thing of the past.
Boy howdy. Time to step up to the plate and get me some more capacity and abilities in a hurry!!! LOL
In the mean time however....the same things happened as before. I just wasn't ready to get HIT with so much from someone else....all at one time????
One more time for the road as they say C. ( shaka brah.....bottoms up:) LOL
J
More we think we need to point out J...which is not good!!!
Submitted by c ur self on
You know J...it's a shame (no pun intended) that life can be so difficult when it comes to relationships where difference's can be so apparent much of the time....A little thing like teeth brushing (which I brush mine faithfully because I'm 59 and have my own and want to keep them :)...But as I was reading your thoughts above, I was just thinking how difficult it can be for many couples to get on the same page with the simple things in life....These minds! WOW!....Who said it's not Rocket Science?? LOL
Acceptance of reality!
Quiet is good!
C
C......It's (a) Shame (ed)
Submitted by kellyj on
A little play on words there. I was thinking about this in terms of my wife and I and I realized something I said in my speculating about my wife's childhood family situation and how she ended up the way she did.
Quiet is good? mmmmmm?
Acceptance of reality? mmmmmm?
Letter of the Law? mmmmmm?
I'm thinking.....who's reality are we accepting? And if so....are we right? And should we keep our mouths shut just to avoid what we don't like,....just to keep the peace? Our peace that is?
At the expense of what or who? mmmmmm?
What I said the other day about my wife being a Tattle Tale on her little brother to save herself was almost for certain true from what I heard from her brother ( I remembered in grade school....little girls usually tattle'd more than little boys in general but this is not saying it doesn't work both ways either.
The law of the play ground jungle during recess was pretty harsh on Tattle Tales and they usually ended up getting hurt by the group mob mentality.(Lord of the Flies) This was very true when I grew up. I remember one girl...who was tied to the tether ball pole with jump ropes and left alone outside crying after recess and the teacher finally figured out she was not back in her seat and had to go find her and rescue her. True story. No one likes a tattle tale for good reason....it's a form of betrayal for the benefit of only one person ...themselves )
But as I thought about this more....I wondered what the tattle tale is really after and to gain...knowing, everyone will hate them? To win favor and special attention of the teacher....that's what they gain at everyone's expense.
And what happened in the early infants experience that created a dissmisve/avoidant child? Mom left the child alone for too long and it didn't get it's needs met or enough attention after mom returned from being away from the child. The attention was inconsistent and/or un-nurturing right? Probably because Mom was too interested in herself and the attention she needed? What goes around comes around?
So why this self sabotaging behavior and where does it come from or originate from and then.....what do you do about it on your end to put an end to this uncalled for behavior?
I looked up Tattle Tales and found this interesting article to apply here. Just a thought of my own and a possible way to get to the bottom of this once and for all?
The Tattletale.... How to get a kid to stop ratting out his friends.
By Hara Estroff Marano, published on September 7, 2007 - last reviewed on June 9, 2016
I have a five-year-old grandson who has been snitching on his younger friends and cousins. His mother has talked to him about this and has noticed that his friends are backing away from him. She is unable to stop him. Is there any advice as to what she can do to help her five-year-old.
Your grandson is giving about as clear a signal as it gets that he needs attention. Not a talking to about misbehavior. But genuine, unfettered, for-him-only positive attention from his mother. Every child needs some. He probably doesn't need a lot of it, but if he felt he had more of it, he wouldn't need to rat on those who are stealing from him the time and attention of his beloved mother. It may be that by the end of the day she is just too exhausted to give her son some exclusive time. But he needs it. Perhaps mother and son can build in a little bedtime ritual that involves just the two of them, perhaps some reading and talk time. The important thing is that this time is set aside every day, that it occurs as reliably as sunrise and sunset so your grandson can come to count on it, and that—and this is really important—it is 15 or 20 minutes with no other demands on either of them. Mom can't be doing one or two other things. It is time she shares only with her son. If a child knows he has access to his parent—a signal that he is loved and proof that his needs matter and will get attended to—then there is not the need to engage in behaviors designed to, from his perspective, enhance his status at the expense of others. Children are amazing little creatures. Like all of us, even their misbehaviors serve a purpose. It is the obligation of the parent to figure out what that purpose is. And it is especially important not to reward the misbehavior—"tattle telling"—with attention, which, unfortunately, your daughter is doing. Further, from your grandson's perspective, being "talked to" about "tattle telling" is only compounding the crime already committed against him. He's getting chewed out for wanting an expression of love from his mother. When your daughter begins giving a little exclusive positive attention to her son, perhaps they can use some of their talk time to come up with some really good and fun ways he can signal that he needs some Mommy time (without having to resort to putting other people down).
J
Nice point J
Submitted by c ur self on
Why do you think do many of us can be found here so often?...LOL...Da...Our attempt to find Real Attention, is one big reason I would suggest...Someone to actually HERE us...:)
(I'm thinking.....who's reality are we accepting? And if so....are we right?)
Interesting word "RIGHT", but if you use it as an excuse to press into a closed mind you're not going to like what comes back, or least I didn't...We may not like it when the Cat sharpens his claws on the coffee table legs, it may be painful to watch....But what is right? Kick it out or accept that it's doing what it's mind is telling him to do??
Everyone has a reality and I agree that they do shift as we change, learn and grow....But, each of us must desire it...
C
Yep - its the person who is
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Yep - its the person who is NOT taking care of themselves or their family - its THIER bullshit. Totally and completely - no matter how they want to "rebel" and not do things like brush their teeth because their spouse asked them to - because "OMG YOUR CONTROLLING ME BY ASKING ME TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF".... SERIOUSLY?????
Makes me think of a spoiled child screaming at their parent "YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO NANANANANA".... And I HATE so much that he has put me in the position that I even have to ask him to do something so basic, something every ADULT knows to do because they are grown fucking adults.
Who wants that?? I sure dont. I dont want to be with someone who has so little self dicipline and control that they cannot even manage their own hygiene. NASTY!
Yep....If I Don't Brush My Teeth Stacey and Dancer
Submitted by kellyj on
I sure as Hell don't expect anyone to want to kiss me? yuk!!! lol
Like I said ....it's a sign of something? What that is (if they aren't telling you) is probably along these lines. But to get upset of throw that back at you for mentioning it??? That's yet another thing?
You've got to take ownership of your own behaviors no matter what. I don't always see them as others see them....but I catch myself more often than I don't. The few and far between I'm Okay with....since I know I do it...and know why. But this non communicating acting out with no explanation or thought involved and just over reacting is really something you do have control of even if it's hard to do sometimes.
Just because it's hard.....is not excuse. I'm guilty as charged when I do that....and don't make excuses and lie about it. And then actually do something about it within my power to do so. That's all you can do but it's usually enough as long as all those others things aren't involved.
That's the difference as far as I can see it? When I try and put the effort in....people can see it including my wife (mostly...as long as she doesn't miss read what she's seeing? )
J
Agreed on all points. I just
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Agreed on all points. I just dont think my H cares enough or has what it takes to actually take control of himself. I would love for him to show me I am wrong... in fact I have prayed to the universe more times than I can count to NOT be right.
And you know - something being hard is NEVER an excuse. That is 100% true. But to my H - its the biggest excuse holding him back.
I hurt my wife's feelings
Submitted by c ur self on
I hurt my wife's feelings about it early on in our marriage. I would notice she would go two or three days w/out showering and when I hugged or got close, she would smell a little sour :) I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings...
I know there is a lot of truth in what J is saying, because, even though she would get angry and feel beat up by me simple pointing out she needed to bath or wash her hair....When it was all said and done, she quietly got better at hygiene....She was 46 when I married her, (her first husband) and she hadn't been on a date in several years....So it was never a problem before...
Same page can be difficult for sure!
C
Another funny thing... I
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Another funny thing... I love The Walking Dead. It's on right now, on a scene where the survivors make a stand. They don't cower and hide, they step out, pick up their weapons and fight the monsters. They don't quit until they are done. They fight the pain, they fight the hurt and they beat them back and SAVE themselves and their little town. It starts with 1 guy, and then the others go out to help, and the others in different areas see it and realize... It's now or never. They cannot sit back idly by while they let someone else do the work. It's one of the best parts of the whole series.
one of the best lines spoken by the coward of the group who finds it in him to make his stand as well... "No one gets to clock out today"
I feel like that's where I am, fighting back monsters that aren't even mine. But I won't quit either. Not till I have rescued my self.
Hygeine is a touchy subject with me
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My Ex-Husband did not have ADHD. He did have poor hygiene. We were married for 17 years. For at least the last 10 years he was abusive and controlling. In the last years of our marriage, his lack of personal hygiene was something that disgusted me. He brushed his teeth, showered and styled his hair before work. By the end of the day, after drinking half a pot of coffee, smoking over a pack of cigarettes, and eating lunch and dinner, he would come to bed without brushing his teeth or washing up. He would be angry with me because I didn't want to be intimate. Why would I be "in the mood" when he criticized and insulted me almost daily, didn't brush his teeth and didn't wash up "south of the border", and then expected me to not only want him, but initiate? I didn't gently remind him to do these things, because HIS personal hygiene was up to him. Also, a man in his 40's shouldn't need reminding. Maybe he was depressed? So was I, but I still took care of myself. We divorced 6 years ago, and I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore.
My boyfriend now has good personal hygiene for the most part, and he has ADHD...so I don't know if there is a correlation to poor hygiene/ADHD.
You can only help someone so
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
You can only help someone so much. If a man in his 40s has so little control of themselves, its not because of ANYTHING you did or could have done, and there is literally NOTHING you can do to change it other than protect yourself from that nastiness.
My H is 43 FOURTY THREE years old.... and he acts like a petulant child when he is told anything that challenges his world view... what ever that is at the moment.
He has had his own struggles, and they are pretty terrible - but at some point you gotta be a man and decide to take a stand. And if his stand is to let his issues control him, and let the people who abused him control his life and define who he is - then so be it - but I am not going to be part of it and i am not going to be an enabler of it.
EDIT - I read that last part and realized it can seem a bit harsh. I do not minimalize or doubt for a second that the monsters my husband faces are real or terrifying. I know they are, I am just saying at some point you have to make your stand if you ever want to recover and heal. And when you have made commitments and have a family - THEY TOO suffer the effects - doesnt matter if you run and hide or stand and fight. The people who love you and who have been there for you will FEEL it regardless. If my H thinks that he is doing me a favor because he is broken from the monsters, he really isnt at all - he is just being selfish and hiding, no matter what it does to me - leaving me to face whats left after he runs. I just want to make sure that you guys dont think I doubt him, or doubt the reality of that journey - because I dont. I was ready to make it with him, arming him and supporting him in his fight. Now i am left picking up the pecies because he decided to run, after telling me to prepare for the battle.
Disgusted
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
This post is an old one, but I had to add my comment and vent.
My fiance and I have been together for 5 years, almost as long as I've been posting on this site.
Like many of you, hygiene was not an issue early on in the relationship. I go to the dentist every 6 months for cleanings. I brush my teeth at least twice a day. Admittedly, I am not the best at flossing, but I do it, and purchased a water flosser to help me.
My fiance rarely brushes his teeth at night. This started a while ago. And ever since the pandemic he has been working from home, so he does not brush his teeth in the morning either, as he no longer goes into the office. He has not been to a dentist in over a decade, and his teeth are stained and brown. I am sure all the weed he has smoked over the last 5 years has not helped with that. He has lost two teeth that I know of in the last year. They are all loose. Now his bite will be affected, and because of the missing teeth, the others will shift. He has taken to swishing Listerine in his mouth, which kills the smell, but does nothing to keep his teeth clean.
He suffered a heart attack in February due to a 90% and 100% blockage of two arteries. I have read numerous articles that link poor oral hygiene and heart disease. No matter how many pills he takes, aspirin, blood thinners, etc., he will still have problems because he won't take care of his teeth.
It is disgusting and embarrassing. I rarely kiss him. I sleep facing away from him, because I don't want to smell his breath on me at night. I am having flashbacks to my ex husband, who didn't brush his teeth before bed time, and had stained teeth/rank breath from smoking.
I just had to vent about this. Don't know what to do, don't know what to say to him. I will not move in with him or marry him if this continues. There is no excuse for this behavior. This cannot be blamed on ADHD. He takes a shower daily, how hard is it to brush his teeth? Even if he starts now, more teeth will fall out, which will force him to go to a dentist.
My ex husband used to complain that I should have reminded him. REALLY? He was 46 when we divorced.
I shouldn't have to remind a Grown-Ass Man to brush his teeth. My fiance will be 53 at the end of the summer. I am not his Mother, and he is not a child.
I read a comment on another website, from a woman who said she kept getting vaginal infections, that had to be treated with antibiotics. It was because her boyfriend had an infection in his mouth because he never brushed his teeth.
I don't understand it.
Toothbrush in the shower?
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi Adele - I wonder if he had his teeth-brushing supplies right in the shower as a visual cue if he would do it in there along with the rest of the shower since that is something he is actually doing every day.
Good point. At one point, I
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Good point. At one point, I was brushing my teeth in the shower to save time, while I was rinsing the shampoo out of my hair...LOL.
LOL
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I have done the same thing, which is exactly why I thought of it! Ahhh, unhealthy multi-tasking... too funny!
Let go.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I think we non-ADHDers have to accept, not like, that the 'logic' we use to guide our lives has very limited and variable application to an ADHD spouse. IT IS JUST NOT THERE. But, but, but... You'll drive yourself to an early grave if you can't let it go. ('But this way lies madness...') Let go.
WIGB
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Thank You.