First, thank you to everyone for sharing their personal stories and challenges with those they love that deal with ADD/ADHD on a daily basis. It is not easy for them and certainly not easy for those in the support role. To keep it short and sweet I'm going to sum up the past 10 years in a few sentences. Married, children, school, separation, trying again.....thinking living with family for some added support (since getting support from my DH was difficult) was a good idea until I found out that everyone in the house I am living with has ADD/ADHD. I feel my husbands diagnosis is used as a crutch and his mother does EVERYTHING for him. He does not have any responsibility in his life outside of work (which I am grateful he can hold down a decent job). Emotional support has been long gone. We have tried counseling but the second ADD came up he bolts. We have tried counseling a few times - he refused to stick with any of it. His physician has also suggested counseling but he says he doesn't have time for that. He has come to me for help (on the very rare occasion)with organizing him. I have not touched his things in years which honestly doesn't help since I still get blamed for it anyway. But when I agree to help him and I make sure he understands that I will need to touch his things, he is in agreement until it happens. His words and actions are so very different from each other. He doesn't spend time with me or the children - unless it involves something he wants to do and it MUST be outside of the house. He refused ADD meds due to side effects and sticks with anti-anxiety meds that seem to work a little when he actually takes them. I can't speak my mind about anything because his mother will step in and try to solve the issue when it doesn't even involve her. (One of the drawbacks for living with inlaws - ADD or not). So, much more than a few sentences but my question is....well I guess there isn't just one. I am desperate for tips, tricks, words of advice to help me better my marriage and my living situation with inlaws. Any and all help is so appreciated.
Married into an ADD/ADHD family
Submitted by mandyc on 08/14/2016.
Hi Mandy,
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Hi Mandy,
Sounds like you have a spouse who is in denial about how significant his issues are impacting your family life. Also sounds like there are some boundry issues....
From my experience - I have learned to ignore the words and look at actions ONLY. I think you might be better off doing tht as well. Because if your H is like mine - he is a master manipulator. Hell, mine used to brag about how he could get people to do what he wanted, and I have NO idea why I thought I was the one person he would not... DUMBDUMBDUMB I am. :-) Now, just from what you wrote, it sounds to me like he is manipulating you and gaslighting you (words different from actions and then adding in denial to make you feel crazy).
I think you need to set up some clear rules/boundries of actions you will and will not accept, and be prepared to act on them and DO it. This of course is risky, and it requires you to detach emotionally so that you have the strength to do it. Because you have kids, you will want to protect yourself and them. Have you considered moving into your own place with them - where you can control everything (financially) to protect yourself and the kids? I know its not what you want (none of us want to loose our relationships or even risk it - but sometimes its not avoidable). If you havent read Melissa's book - that is the very first thing i would recommend you do. Also - check out some of the blog posts - like this one:
https://www.adhdmarriage.com/2007/11/her-relationshi.html
My H is refusing to treat his ADHD issues, depression and he is refusing to deal with the impact of his CSA experiences. He believes he is broken (because he wont do the work to treat himself), and is leaving our marriage - again. This time, he has crossed my boundries, so I have started the work of detaching and planning my life WITH OUT HIM in it. And honestly - I wish I would have done it a long time ago. I can only control myself and my environment, so I have put all my focus into bettering myself FOR myself. I have taken charge of my own health. I have begun to start dreaming again about stuff I wanted to do with my H, but doing it on my own since he never had interest and now he is done with "us" (and the future is BRIGHT believe it or not!!!). For 7 years my husband had all the control, because he would react badly, be EXTREMELY passive aggressive when he didnt get what he wanted or his way (with the occasional outburst of anger when caught red handed about stuff like lying). He would manipulate me with the constant threat of "I dont know if I can be a husband" , "I only want to be married when I am in a good mood". All the while never doing his part, giving lipservice to doing the "work" involved in managing his symptoms and recovery from CSA. He essentially "tricked" me, bait and switch. Made me promises he never intended on keeping to get what he wanted. he has given me enough crumbs to keep me on the line, and keep me hoping that *this* time things are clicking and he really means it *this* time when he says he is working on it. And maybe he does mean it in the moment - but like many folks on here will tell you - once that "mood" or "feeling" is gone - so is the commitment to the promise. This to me is unsustainable with out great harm to myself. I believe that NO relationship can be sustained like this - and reading the stories here, when the ADHD/ADD spouse is out of control- the non spouse is usually beat down, drowning in the attempt to save their spouses.
Speaking of control - to ME... and keep in mind this is flavored by my personal experiences.... your husband has some real control issues. Not touching "his" stuff, not doing what he says - but expecting you to go with his flow 100% of the time, agreements and promises made but not kept because he didnt mean them in the first place, only making them to control your reactions to give him excuses to behave as he wishes. My mother in law does the same thing - or did it back in the day. She always has come to his rescue, but I think she understands now about enabling etc. She has the best heart - but sometimes cant handle the thought of failure or falling down for her son - and I really dont blame her. She struggles with her own issues of guilt etc for his experiences as a kid. Its a very bad situation, and one that will prevent my H from ever really growing. I think NOW though she has learned enough about his condition that she has stepped back. I know its very hard on her though - and it really hurts my heart to know how she must feel. (it hurts me too to see him struggle - but I am not going to stop it anymore because I cannot let him take me down with him)
Anyway - I guess what I am saying is you have to make a stand. You need to define what it is you can and cannot tolerate and STICK TO IT. Read Melissa's book, read Co-Dependent No More, ready every article and post you can to gain knowledge and empower yourself. Your husband is a grown man, he is a big boy. And if you end up getting you own place with out him because he cannot be a grown up and honor his commitment to his family - then you are better off with out him, and he can live with his own self in his parents house as a grown man who cannot support himself independantly.
Please though - you have to find in yourself what your needs are, and what your wants are - and define for youself how they should be met. Your boundries and viewpoint might be very different from mine. I do wish you luck though - keep posting here, its great to organize thoughts and get feedback from many different situations. Hang in there - the ride is not going to be easy.
Thank you SpaceyStacey197!
Submitted by mandyc on
Thank you SpaceyStacey197! Your post and the post you pasted is so on topic. I wish it were that easy. Unfortunately, I made the decision when we decided to reconcile that I would move in with his family for some support that he could not give me - domestic stuff. But that wasn't all that I needed. I left my friends family, support and work to begin again. I have decided to return to school to earn my degree (my schooling was put on hold for his - dumb mistake on my part but it is what it is at this point) and since I am full time I am no longer working. Financially I depend on my H and he is very well aware of that. In fact, I tend to think this happens on purpose to keep me around. My children love him and have asked me not to leave him....I think they can sense when I am unhappy. I have tried to shut off emotionally but then I get yelled at for it....so when I'm not shut off I discuss ways to better the relationship and how we can work together to support one another but then get yelled at for that too. It doesn't seem to matter what I do - even when I am helpful I am yelled at. We are in an avoidance pattern now and I like it because it keeps the peace and allows me to focus on my and the children. It just sucks that I don't see the living situation changing for quite some time due to financial restraints on my end - there is no way I can pay for school on my own. I have read co-dependent no more some time ago but I think I will read it again. Thank you for the recommendation. I hope my children are not suffering living here - I do not want them to grow up thinking this s&%@( is acceptable. My oldest I think can see it. My youngest has ADHD and things are difficult for him but at least I can openly help him on how to function the best way possible for him. It does make me sad that my H just doesn't even seem to care. I know deep down he has a good heart....when I met him he was not like this at all. Thanks again for your adivce.