Sigh....feeling such a huge lump in the pit of my stomach...fear? I don't know...just need a shoulder to lean on right now.
I wish the difficulties in my ADHD spouse were just limited to inattention, hyperfocusing, social gaffes etc etc. What I can't seem to wrap my head...or heart...around is the things he's said to me over the years that were so very, very painful. The latest was just yesterday when he told me that since he's the breadwinner in the household, he has the final say in any major decisions. In other words, my opinion/advice doesn't count at all because I stay home with my children and don't bring in any money. I had questioned my husband about the purchase of a foreclosed property that he made. I had been strongly against this purchase because I knew it was his latest in a long string of obsessive projects, and that he'd be working on the fix-up for months to come while ignoring his family. My husband bought it of course, citing the reason that he wanted to make some money. I know this will wind up costing us money as all his projects do. He's in total denial of this, and believes that I have no say in the matter anyway as I'm a homemaker. (Doesn't matter that I raised three kids with disabilites on my own while coping with my own disease and cancer....sigh.)
In my mind, raising healthy, compassionate children is a full-time job...paid or not...and I'm very proud of myself for the successes my kids have had.....my oldest is on the dean's list in college, my middle child just received his high school diploma and my youngest in special ed is getting all A's and B's on his report cards. They're dealing with Tourrette's, ADD, anxiety disorder and learning disabilities respectively. It hurts SO MUCH to know that not only does my husband not see how hard I've worked, but that my opinion doesn't matter anyway. I can't even cry about this 'cause I have Sjogren's Syndrome and my eyes don't make tears anymore. Talk about irony, huh?
So....how does one get rid of the stomach knots and the hurtful comments....like "I've never been in love with you" or "I only married you because I felt obligated" or "you're not worth the effort"? I could go on for quite awhile but you get the picture I'm sure. I desperately want a separation from him....for him to move out...but I have a terrible feeling he'll refuse to leave, and I have nowhere to go. He's very controlling. I'm financially dependent too...something I wish I could change but my own disability is significant and working outside the home presents huge challenges for me. I do not qualify for disability because while I have the right number of work credits they aren't recent...I've been raising my kids....just another way to penalize parents who stay home with their children.
Sorry....I'm whining...not like me...just feeling so trapped....like a rat. I need to find a way to work from home if I can...just drawing blanks right now....feeling like I've been hit by a truck again. Does anyone have any advice for me....or just a shoulder I can lean on for awhile until I feel more like myself again? I'm hurting.....:(((
Not only ADHD guys do this
Submitted by Sueann on
My first husband had the same values as yours. We met in college, so I'm no dummy, but he did not feel women with children should work because he "didn't want someone else raising my kids." (He hadn't liked being in daycare as a young child.) So by his choice, I stayed home and was "mom." But he criticized me for it. I couldn't spend any money on myself, my clothes were from Goodwill and I couldn't have a car. Often, he didn't want to pay for medical care I needed. (But he was willing to pay for me to have surgery to try to "fix" my knees, so I could go up and down stairs to do the laundry. It didn't work.)
I eventually grew a backbone and left him. My kids were old enough then that I didn't need to pay for child care. I finished raising them by myself, then I married a man with ADD and still feel like I'm raising HIM. :)
I agree with you about the way our society doesn't value motherhood. It sucks that you can't get disability, at a time when you'd likely have gone back to work because your kids are older now.
In some states, one spouse can't own real estate alone, it's automatically owned by both spouses. You might want to check that with a lawyer in your state. You might be able to protect your family from this obsesson with investing in property. Other than that, I have no ideas for you. I know the pain you are feeling and I just wanted to say I understand where you are.
hmm...this sounds familiar
Submitted by tazangel36 on
Flowerlady, Sueann, you're both describing my first husband! Flowerlady, it sounds as if what your husband is doing is NOT part of his attention-deficit, but part of a controlling personality. Was his mother abused during his childhood?
My first husband witnessed his father beat his mother; they divorced when he was 4. We married young (too young!), and he immediately started controlling me and subjecting me to emotional abuse. I had to cook all of his favorite foods, keep the house clean, pick up his uniforms from the trail he dropped them in, wash them just so, keep myself thin (at 130 he said I was too fat and shouldn't be allowed to buy lingerie), etc. I was working full-time, but because he made more than I did, he got to say how we spent our money. He threw a fit when I need a couple new skirts for work (I worked in retail stores at a 5-start, 5-diamond resort), but he maxed out my Sears card buying himself new tools. He said I was spending too much time at home and driving him crazy (working 40 hours a week and attending school full-time? really?) so I took on a 2nd job in addition; then he griped that I was never there. He never let me call or visit my family, spend time with friends, but we visited his mother at least once a year.
My current husband has ADHD, and despite all the things that come with that disease, he's never even thought about treating me the way my ex did. My husband is sweet, giving, loving, understanding, playful, and even after 6 years of marriage, 2 kids, and 50 pounds can't keep his hands off me.
Flowerlady, without knowing more about your circumstances, it really sounds as if you are the victim of emotional abuse, not just the spouse of ADD. If I were you, before you make any decisions, please go talk to a counselor, or a crisis center, and at least find out what your options are! There are so many state agencies in place to assist people in your situation! Please don't wait, but go! I am not a psychologist, I am not a lawyer, I am not a counselor, but I've helped many friends, myself included, to get out of abusive situations, and that is exactly what I thought when I read your post. No one deserves to live like that, please go get yourself help, and come back and let us know how you're doing!
Maybe women who have been controlled are attracted to ADHD men
Submitted by Sueann on
I also married my first husband when I was very young. He is a control freak like my father and your first husband. He weighed about 270 when we were married and I was maybe 140 (I'm 5'9", so that's not fat). But we had to have goodies in the house all the time, and eat pizza for dinner several nights a week, because his "drug of choice" is food, and when I gained weight, he was all over me about how fat I was.
Do you think people who've been involved with a control freak are more likely to marry someone with a problem like ADD afterwards? Whatever else my husband does, he won't control he. He says he can't because he can't even control himself, so how could he control me. My daughter says I need a happy medium between the two husbands, but I never did find that.
Maybe
Submitted by tazangel36 on
Maybe that's what we've done? Although I have to say that I have it really good compared to some of the stories I've read on here, and I'm a bit of a control-freak myself (not needing to control people, just my life).
I do know that the first lesson in finding happiness is to be happy with who you are, to love yourself. My prescription: a night out with the girls, have some laughs and reconnect with yourself! :-)
Thanks, everyone
Submitted by Flower Lady on
My husband and I have decided to separate while we work through all of the issues. He will live in the house he bought while he rehabs it, and I will remain in the family home with our children. I insisted on the separation as I truly feel I need time away from him to be able to relax....the constant anxiety is taking a terrible toll on my health. I'm sure it will benefit my husband too.
Whether or not we remain together will depend on how our counseling sessions go...if we're able to communicate better and if all of the festering wounds of years of neglect and abuse can be healed. We shall see. Even if we're not able to re-connect and heal our marriage, I will know that I did my very best, and that is something I can live with.
Thanks again for the advice and compassion....deeply appreciated. :)
good luck, let us know
Submitted by arwen on
Flower Lady, I know things have to be really tough for your family right now, but you sound like you've got your head together and are on the right track to some kind of resolutioin that you can all live with.
Best of luck to you as you go forward -- let us know how you are managing. Hugs and prayers for you!
My husband says the same
Submitted by Clinging to Life on
deleted, see reason at this link.
Thanks for your support...
Submitted by Flower Lady on
I appreciate the support...thanks for listening and for the hugs...feeling a bit better today...stronger. I know I'll make it...whatever the future holds....just wish the journey wasn't so painful.
Thanks again...:)