My wife and I have been working to improve communications and reduce frustration and anger over ADHD related issues for over a year now. We have purchased several of Dr. Hallowell's books and attended a weekend semninar is Boston last summer. She started on meds last year, and some things have improved as a result. I'm working on my anger - trying not to explode when I get frustrated, but instead to clearly communicate the EFFECT her actions have on me. I know she NEVER intends to do the things she does - but that they are a result of her ADHD. I'm also working on being less of a nag and letting as many things "slide" as I can - trying to be selective about giving "constructive" feedback. And I know she really loves me and is always sorry when she realizes she has done something that hurts me. We BOTH want things to be better, and that's what makes me able to continue working on things. We have successfully dealt with several issues. My not getting enough "quality" time has been solved by us having one "date night" a week, where we go out together, just the two of us, no cells phones, and talk about things other than work. We usually talk about US! We also have one night a week at home where we have "together time" starting at 6pm - again, no cell phone, no computers, just the two of us, spending the entire evening together, with at least a half hour of conversation. We make sure to put these two nights on the calendar each week, and we both look forward to them. So progress is being made!
I still struggle, though, with those times where I feel invisible, inconsequential. Where she does something that I see as "inconsiderate" in that it's crystal clear she hasn't taken me or my feelings into consideration at all. Like last night. I had a meeting to go to after work, and expected to be home around 9:30. She was planning on stopping at the grocery store on her way home from work. I was supposed to email her a list of what we needed from the store. When I drove into the garage at 9:30 and she wasn't home yet, I assumed she must be at the grocery store and I thought "Drat! I forgot to send her the shopping list." I tried calling her cell - no answer - but that's not unusual - she often doesn't answer because the ringer isn't on. So, I sent her an email with the list - apologizing for forgetting and saying "I hope you get this before checkout, but if not, don't worry."
I did a few chores and then sat down to watch some TV. At 10:30 or so, she wasn't home yet, and I wondered what was keeping her, but I wasn't really worried. Then at about 11 - which is when we usually go to bed, she called and said "I'm just leaving work. Are you mad?" And I said, quite honestly, that I wasn't. And that I might be in bed by the time you get home. When she got home, she said - I'm sorry, I was at work. And I said - And it never occured to you to call me to let me know where you were? She said "I didn't know how long I'd be there. And without recounting the details of our conversation, I basically said to her - "I'm not mad. But I'm incredulous that you could let the whole night pass without me knowing where you were and not call me until 11. (She had never done this before.) That I never even entered into the equation. Even after I sent you an email (which she had read before 10) indicating I thought you were at the grocery store about to check out. It would never OCCUR to me not to tell you where I was. Consider for a moment if I did - how might that make you feel?" (I expressed this all very calmly.)
She got the message, felt very badly, and apologized sincerely. Which I needed. So, all in all, the interaction went well and the issue was resolved.
Sort of. And I say sort of, because this issue is all too common. And I wonder how long I can go on without either getting angry or becoming detached. We both agreed that it was indicitive of how OFTEN she does things like that that I DIDN't get angry or worried. And my concern is that I won't be successful NOT getting upset, angry and bitter that there are so many times where I feel invisible (which, by the way, is one of my hot buttons).
I'm not sure what I am looking for by writing this. Except I must say, it feels good to be writing it.
Sorta understand
Submitted by phoenixgirl78 on
Things never occur to my husband that would naturally occur to me. Once, I was running supremely late -- we were due at one of those meal prep places. I got home and Tim was gone. He had left a note (at least) saying he went to Jack in the Box because he had been starving. Problem is, again, already running late and there are two Jack in the Boxes near us. I picked one and sure enough he was there. Not even walking back towards our place. Sitting down and enjoying his food with no apparent urgency.
I exploded -- I'm working on my temper but I'd had a particularly crappy day. Apparently, he thought I was down the hall in the apartment building. (My mom lived there.) I said, Did you not think to check? Call or even knock on the door?
Nope.
I think that's one of the hardest things about it all, because we quite literally think differently than our ADD partners. And, really, how do you teach someone what you consider to be common sense? You almost never think to work on it until it's come up as a problem. By which point there's anger, guilt and recrimination to contend with. It sucks!
And I understand all about hot button issues. Mine is feeling like I'm not being listened to, which is obviously a huge problem with ADDers thanks to distractibility and hyperfocusing. I've learned to keep my temper in check most of the time. To repeat myself. Most importantly, I'm trying to learn to tell him important things only when I have his absolute attention. But it's still hard sometimes to not explode.
It sounds like maybe you guys need to set up a situation where she checks in with you when she varies from her normal schedule. Sets an alarm for herself or something. Though it's harder to do when it doesn't happen on a normal schedule. But maybe she can work on just calling or emailing to let you know that she's not on her normal schedule. Any time it varies. It means she'll probably check in with you too often. (My guy is still not great about impulse buys, though he's come a long way; so his solution is to call me if he's out and about and is considering a purchase.) But better too often than not often enough, I'd think. ADDers tend to be best with all or nothing scenarios. So maybe start will the "all" scenario and work your way down toward a middle ground of just calling when she knows you're sitting around wondering where she is. Something like that.
Feeling Invisible
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
helpful advice
Submitted by brendab on
("why couldn't he be more considerate??!") I finally decided that it was more important for me to feel good about him. I stopped worrying when he gets home.
He makes it home most nights and doesn't feel like my poodle on a leash. I have less stress. We both recognize it's a very small part of our overall relationship. A win/win all around.
Melissa,
I think one of the biggest issues I would have with an ADD partner is the very type of thing you have posted here. I tend to play negative tapes like "why couldn't he be more considerate" and then it spirals into a bad mood and some complaining on my part. I think it is a more mature response to do what you have suggested. I just read a book that focused on the issue that women do tend to start these negative tapes and dwell on them to the point that they create their own unhappiness. The author also suggested that we dwell more on the positive because it is good for us as women to be less stressed for our own health.
I do acknowledge that there are certain issues that can't be dealt with in this way, but why cause myself any unnecessary stress?
I think a good exercise for me would be to list these negative tapes and acknowledge the terrible stress they cause me. Then I plan to create some kind of action plan to derail these negative responses.
brenda
In the Overall Scheme of Things
Submitted by Looking4Help on
"Perhaps, in the overall scheme of things, being thought about late at night on a work night when you had no specific plans to be together isn't as important as her being able to blast through what she was doing without interuption, nor as important as your ability to feel satisfied by your relationship."
I guess this is where I really struggle - what's important enough in the grand scheme of things and what isn't. And I appreciate your pointing this out to me here - that I need to ask myself that question.
But there's another aspect to this that I don't wuite know what to do with.
The scenario is this: I come home on a weeknight and start making dinner for the two of us, expecting to share a meal with her, and then she comes home late. Sometimes it's 15 minutes late, sometimes it's hours. So while I am making dinner I find myself wondering whether she will be home in time for dinner. When she does get home in time - great! But when she doesn't, I end up eating alone, which I don't particularly enjoy. And I feel resentful, because if I had known ahead of time, I would have had the option of making plans to have dinner with someone else. But by not knowing, I am now faced with the prospect of not only having dinner alone, but of sitiing home alone because I didn't make plans to be with someone else. And 7 o'clock is too late to make plans. And then I end up feeling angry that I wasn't given the option of making plans with someone.
In my anger, I begin thinking "I make it a point to be home. Why doesn't SHE?" And I know it's because she has difficulty with time, and also in disengaging from a task or conversation. She often says - "I was planning to be home but then . . . ." and she tells me what happened to delay her. She ALWAYS has good intentions. So it's not that she doesn't WANT to be home. But I forget that sometimes.
So, I guess I need to figure out how NOT to be resentful over this. One might advise me "Just make p[lans with someone else on those nights when you don't have specific plans with your wife." And the thing is, I'd RATHER have dinner with my wife most nights. But maybe if I went out with friends one or two nights a week, then I wouldn't be resentful on those nights when my wife IS late.
Dinner matters
Submitted by Clarity on
I ran into this often with my husband who came home at odd times. If I cooked, I'd prepare a plate he could heat up later. If I wanted to go out, I did and let him know and brought something home if he wanted. Be ready for anything and prepare meals that are easy to freeze for homemade frozen dinners anytime! Create meals that are easy to reheat or throw together like, soups, salads... In a way, it gave me a sense of freedom. If he wanted to do what he felt like doing, I could too. This does not promote a sense of relationship though, it makes me feel like I'm on my own. It was an attitude adjustment and one of the easiest things I've had to adjust to in my life with ADD!