Hi everyone - I have been reading blogs and forum on this site for some time and find it really helpful. I've been married to my husband for 15 years. 7 years into the marriage he was diagnosed with ADHD while in counseling for
an affair I discovered. It wasn't a great time in our lives. He's been on medication since but stopped counseling about 1 year after diagnosis. We have a 10 year old son who was diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago by his school. My husband
and son are both on the same meds. Our son is struggling in school, our marriage is on the rocks and along the way somewhere during the years, my drinking developed from a way to deal with the stress to a real problem. I am starting therapy with
a recovery specialist this week as I know I need to be in recovery to make good life decisions.
My husband dislikes any type of counseling and feels that being on meds is sufficient. Trust me that it's not in the slightest way enough. I am also going to start my son back into ADHD counseling his school initially referred. I'm feeling overwhelmed
and just wondering if anyone has overcome a drinking or other compulsive coping problem. I don't blame my husband for my drinking - that's my responsibility. But I feel I need a lot of support at this time because he's always put our son first over
our relationship. He recently told me so flatly. That's when I had the wake up call to get sober and figure out how I want to live the rest of my life - and what type of marriage I want to see my son model. And this is not a good example for him.
My husband treats our son more like a friend than being a father - compulsively gaming with him - including driving while playing Pokemon Go (their new game). My husband is constantly late for everything, frequently haa
anger issues (both directed at me and my son) that erupt out of nowhere, can't financially manage himself (so I pay and manage the household bills), and has no desire to plan for a future. He is content to live day to day. Forgget
about retirement.
Thank you for any input.
BBH, welcome
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
I married a man with ADHD. I dont have it. You've been married longer than I have, and you have the family challenge of raising a child with ADHD. My husband's children were grown when we married. And my husband hasnt had an affair, and hasnt done that tough thing that yours did to you, which to announce that you would always come second to him, to your son
You sure are under stress. The break out anger, so sorry that you're being targeted, if that happens
BBH, I'm very glad that you're pursuing substance abuse counseling, and also aim to get your son back into a situation of getting coaching or counseling. That sounds very, very good. It sounds like your counseling might give you offline what you asked for online from us, someone to help you think things through, someone to know what you're going through
To answer your question about using compulsive coping or substance abuse to deal with the stresses on me of living in a relation in which ADHD was present in my spouse, yes, I did. You've named my catalyzing problem...it was th surprise-to-me, not shown before the wedding, rocket increase of stress and demands on me, from which I could at the time see no exit, and frankly I didnt know what the heck was going on because ADHD was not on the table yet. Yeah, I had to take myself in hand when I saw that I was starting to try to rebalance myself and give myself solace by doing things that were numb outs. I've been generally abstemious in my life, but did start drinking to get some kind of a break from the pressure, craziness, and fatigue. I did the work on it myself. I'm glad you're getting into counseling on this. What you need, what I need, is to care for your body and mind. Your husband couldnt do that for you anyway, since as you say rightly, you have the habit. But it also sounds like he's made a recent announcement to you not to expect help with your problems coming from him. Take that he's telling you the truth about that. Things could change later, perhaps, but you sound on the right course tackling taking care of you with a counselor about it in your corner.
you didnt mention how long you had been using alcohol to ease your stress. You'll know that it has both a physical hold on you and a mental hold on you that you'll need to break, and replace with something that is good for you, Since I had been abstemious about a lot of things throughout my adult life, I was surprised that in such a relatively short time, I got physically hooked on alcohol,. I'm lucky I didnt get farther into it. BBH, you are so worth this doing better for yourself. Take it a day at a time and keep going, You will be making yourself stronger and clearer in your soul.
My husband didnt cheat on me, I dont have the work and worry of raising a ADHD child while my spouse acts like Peter Pan about his responsibilities to his son, and I havent receive that punch in the heart you did of your spouse telling you that you would always be second to your son....and third to him. I'm telling you about my unhealthy coping with stress, to underline that yes, in my less fraught situation, in fact with a husband who loves me and works hard on managing his own life well, the relentless grind was so much, especially during that period in which I didnt know what the heck was going on and that it was ADHD related, yes I looked for a break, any break, from the stress. Once I did get into unhealthy coping, I had to find my way out of it and do the personal work of change. It took hard work, while the extra and different of my relationship was going on. . It was a very big lesson to me that in my happier relation with someone with ADHD, I must understand that I have to take extra care of myself...for the rest of my life.
Wishing you well. You go, girl. One plus of getting alcohol out of your life is that your sleep will become better
Welcome
Submitted by dvance on
You came to the right place! There are many of us with many different versions of the same story--frustration and loneliness and the idea that this is NOT what we signed up for. I have been married 21 years to an ADHD person. He has been medicated off and on over those years, currently is not. Five years ago he moved out for 6 months to deal with severe depression and PTSD--a combo from being overseas in the was (Air Force vet) and childhood physical and sexual abuse. I have a 17 year old son with PTSD who overdosed in January and was in residential rehab 2 hours away for 6 weeks. I have a 15 year old son with Asperger's. I work full time as an Assistant Principal and Junior High teacher in a private school. I LOVE my job--it's the only thing I am actually good at it seems. I don't drink alcohol (dad was a violent alcoholic who killed himself when I was 6) but I eat. Currently I have about 35 pounds to lose and I cannot muster the discipline necessary to do so. At age 46, the pounds just don't come off as easily and my brain is so full I cannot even think about it. But that is an excuse really. My therapist tells me I have to put myself even ON the list, not even first on the list just ON the damn list. So many of us have been managing literally everything that our own needs barely register. At this point my marriage is so far from normal, I don't think I would recognize normal if it bit me. My DH is a nice guy--just ask the other three women he took up with in the past 5 years. He works full time and earns a good living, thank god. However, we are approaching the point where he usually gets tired of his current job and either quits or does something to sabotage it, so there is that in the back of my head. He is always the only person in the WHOLE company who knows anything and thank GOD they hired him. It turns out managers don't like that attitude so when I hear that from him I start to get nervous. My biggest worry all the time is our finances which are in a complete shambles. Between the oldest son's rehab and follow up care which is a fortune, a surgery I had over the summer, and many medical issues along the way, we are in so much debt we will never get out. I pay the monthly bills, which we can manage fine, and then throw small amounts at the other stuff which barely makes a dent. I would have been divorced years ago but we cannot afford two households.
But--I 100% understand your drinking to cope. I eat cookies to cope and now here I am--fat and tired and lazy. It's a really hard cycle to break. I would recommend counseling for yourself. It's a good first step.
good luck and keep posting--we are all in the same boat!
dvance