Trying to put this succinctly because I am new to being hopeful about the marriage......but this time....this is ....different.
Turning my focus to the "why" my H wouldn't accept the adhd diagnosis was something I chose . It did not make sense that he "kind of" could see it and then not. Sometimes we have to let things that don't make sense go and sometimes we dig and dig until China comes into view....and we are depleted, exhausted, confused, exasperated, frustrated......I think I held on because.....I questioned that I loved my H. HE questioned that. He DID that a lot throughout the marriage. And every time I would be STUNNED. He would state (kind of flatly demand) that he wanted my love and respect.This would often happen after a minor disagreement or fight. I found myself completely astonished that he didn't "see, feel, KNOW) I loved him. WHAT MORE could I do or not do? What was it going to take for him to feel loved?
FAST Forward....43 years. That nagging feeling I had that Adhd was not the ONLY issue here. That something else was preventing him from seeing this...great......ONE more thing he wasn't "seeing"? WHAT wasn't I seeing? GIVE ME SOMETHING HERE LORD !!!!.....a hint, a clue.....
and ...my daughter called. She had a thought(about our situation).....and that idea opened the door, just a crack for me to see something ......that had been right in front of me....ALL THESE YEARS......why did my H not "feel" I loved him?........because he COULD NOT receive it! He could not receive affection, warmth and all that goes with love. He couldn't equate......because he was raised with no affection, positive interaction and praise, validation. It was an emotionless upbringing except for anger, disappointment and indifference. THAT'S why he would say "I love you" rarely, not face to face(he would look down) and with no emotion. BUT...I KNEW he did....so I accepted HIS way even though something was "off".
Look up) Childhood Emotional Neglect ( NOT abuse). Because I am aware of H's background ......it ALL came together.
To say it reduced me to tears is an understatement. To say it took everything I had to go to my H and talk....also understatement. I now KNEW, THAT I KNEW, what was behind his behavior that was awkward, off, ambivalent... even callous at times.
I laid out to him, very carefully and briefly what I was seeing. I printed off a short excellent synapses of it and told him.....please do not respond now. Please give it thought. Take your time. Let me know what you think about this.
He called me 2 days later to talk......we talked for 4 hours straight....(how is that possible with Adhd?) He seemed......relieved and was near tears more times than I EVER saw in our marriage. He said......"all these years I have wanted intimacy with you and I blamed you. I see now......you WERE being intimate...and I didn't KNOW it....it was strange....it's all so strange...but I see myself exactly as they have described.
The emotional lability issue with adhd is a biggie. It makes, to me, the other aspects of adhd insignificant and doable in the big picture of life. But EMOTION is SO HUGE with us humans..........history provides what happens to DENIED, STUFFED EMOTIONS. WE have all dealt with this ourselves. Expecting my H to "deal" with the emotional aspect of the adhd was going to be fruitless, confusing and disheartening for him and me......because there was a separate emotion issue underlying all along.
This is just MY adhd journey,,,so far. It led to other roads to travel as part of the sojourn. I have "met" fantastic people with wit, humor, comfort, pain, eloquence and EXASPERATION.......all because of....love.
I dare.....to have hope again.......because this time........something is very very different.
P.S. This is NOT a BLAME the parents issue. They cannot give what they do not have.....on the flip side .....I did ask my spouse if I could have a "heathen" moment and state....I KNEW IT! ITS BECAUSE OF YOUR PARENTS ALL ALONG!!!!!....and do you know....he smiled and said.......just once.....with everything you've got.
Oh wow
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Zapp your post thrills me.
Prayers for you both. What an opening.
And what a punchline final sentence to your post : )
Oh Zapp - this is just
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Oh Zapp - this is just amazing! <3 I am so happy to read that you are finding some hope. Its wonderful to find a peice of the puzzle that gets you closer to figuring out how to find joy!
Follow up to original post......
Submitted by Zapp10 on
To say it has been an interesting week....oiy.
My determination to talk to my H about CEN(childhood emotional neglect) was coupled with his caretaking(along with siblings) these past 2 years of his mother since the passing of his father. She had taken a turn for the worse. Two days after talking to H she passed away.
I have kept a low profile for all. The dynamic in that family leaves me dumbfounded most of the time. I am well aware of their boundaries( blood related ONLY).....in laws....NO. I accepted that years ago.
My H has been "different". Our daughter SEES it. She is amazed. The tension is not there. Because he has been overwhelmed with the past several days(and handled it beautifully) he has not had time to process all but I know it will happen once the dust settles. An interesting comment from him to me a few days back...." ya know.....being around my family tonite......I saw what you have mentioned many times.....how "strange" they are when it comes to my mother. I couldn't HELP but SEE it" and he laughed then said....."and I have been there MYSELF!"
Time will tell....In the meantime.....I am still upstairs ....I have not moved back down. He is no longer angry about that and says he "understands".
How this all turns out now....will be from more of a mutual mindset I believe. We have had some adhd moments....and he reacted "better" for himself which obviously is better for me.
I have seen lately more of the H I knew years ago. I am still amazed that looking at the CEN possibility was met with less resistance than the adhd. He absolutely gets that they could not give....what they didn't have to give....and it is not about BLAME.
When it comes to emotional processing or lack thereof...NONE of us are excluded. Where adhd is concerned?......I think it is worth taking a look at, in the course of "lack of progress". The lack of affection, empathy and "matter of fact way" I firmly believe is not adhd related. There are so many here who talk of "the lack of emotion" and I kept thinking "there is a line between adhd symptoms showing and when THEY ARE NOT". Adhd is NOT a GO TO for some of the behavior spoken of here......as I had to discover myself. I don't know as I would be where I am today if I had not come to this site and immersed myself. Once I decided to find the differences of what is adhd and what is NOT......I made much better progress. Thank you to ALL those here.