I was recently diagnosed (psychologist) with ADHD after 20+ years of marriage. I just finished reading Melissa Orlov's book and so much of it applies to my marriage. The issue is that my wife recently filed for divorce (after I started treatment but she only just learned of my diagnosis two days ago) and when I brought up my diagnosis, it was met with great skepticism. There has been no infidelity in my marriage. My biggest ADD contributiors are inattentiveness (you don't love me, you hate me, you don't like what I do) and spontaneous and/or impulsive behavior. We have had numerous issues with my friendships with women through exercise. One, although completely platonic, was inappropriate becasue I was texting and emailing and my wife barely knew this person. I also suffer from bursts of anger which fade away almost as quick as they happen. Our marriage has had tons of happiness but when I finished the book I realized so much of it was impacted by ADHD and the symptom-repsonse-response cycle. We have suffered for years.
Does anybody have any ideas on how to alleviate my wife's extreme skepticism...really she's just not interested in hearing it. I love her very much and wish I had gone to get treatment earlier. I don't want to lose her but in the end I know that I have to continue treatment. I started just last week with a different psychologist and expert in ADHD. She is amazing just after two visits. I am not medicated because I am still treating for depression from being served divorce papers.
Please...if anyone has any thoughts (my Doctor said if she's not interested, there's nothing you can do...I get it...I just thought maybe somebody has some experience with another approach) I'd greatly appreciate it.
my 2 cents, addfor20..
Submitted by Zapp10 on
I am the non adhd wife of a 43 year marriage. I too have reached the end of my rope.
You express an awareness of your adhd impact far more willingly than my own H. I do commend you for your "want" that you and your wife succeed as you move forward....together. That may or may not play out. Addressing your adhd should benefit YOU which will in turn benefit her. Her decision to stay or go is HERS. Your success with the adhd is YOURS.
You made a comment in another post..... one woman was younger, I texted with her and emailed her (all normal stuff) but I kept it from my wife. I just wasn't up to dealing with the jealousy. I resented it. I was doing "nothing wrong" but made her feel on the outside after she found out....... if you think communicating with another woman is doing " nothing wrong" why did you keep it from her?You didn't want to "deal"with the jealousy? So it wouldn't bother you if she emailed a younger man.....and didn't tell you? You were attentive to a stranger(female) which you say is a "problem" for you(being inattentive) so I am guessing your wife is a little confused and pissed.....you say you are inattentive, apparently not......except to your wife. Yes adhd plays a part in all this........however....ANYTHING hidden from a spouse does not lend to a respectful, loving, committed marriage. Adhd is NOT an excuse for inappropriate behavior .....period.....no EXCUSES.
I hope you continue to learn and progress with the adhd....and your marriage. Please give your wife a little latitude.......faults and all.....she may need it.........as much as you do.
I truly wish you both the best!
Thank you
Submitted by addfor20 on
I don't think emailing/texting no matter how innocent is "right". It was inappropriate and since then, 4 years ago, I have done everything I possibly can to keep an open and honest relationship with respect to all communication. I agree that my condition is not an excuse although I do feel that managing my condition and addressing my own issues should help me be more successful in protecting the boundaries of our relationship. Something that I am just beginning now. I appreciate your kind, candid and thoughtful insight and your well wishes. It was very kind of you to respond and very helpful.
My friend - you are on the
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
My friend - you are on the right track here! Ownership, accountability, commitment, TREATMENT.... It all takes time, but if you continue to stay the course, you will become the best you possible, and that will open up so much for your life. To have true control of yourself and actions - its incredible.
Its good that you see your actions for what they were, and that you are working to amend for the transgretions. The policy of extraordinary honesty is so critical when things like that happen (innocent or not). Protect the boundaries like your life depends on it - they are what keeps the bad out of what should be most precious to you. I hope that you are able to show enough that your wife can see it before the divorce goes through. I posted a reply to your other comment with some additional info that might be helpful for you (especially when tied in to Melissa's book advices etc). All couples have problems - and there are basics you have to do to protect your relationship. Learn to do that, and you will be succesfull in the future. Even if things dont work out with your wife right now - learning how to be responsible as a partner, and loving will only strengthen you in all parts of your life.
addfor20, you acknowledged...
Submitted by Terra on
addfor20, you acknowledged... but said nothing about how it's understandable that your partner reacted as she did. Maybe you do think so, but didn't say that on this thread?
I agree with Zapp10..
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Regarding the women you exercise with. Being inattentive to your wife, but plenty attentive to other women? I can see why your wife would be confused and angry. Secretly communicating with other women is something most women, myself included, would take issue with.
My boyfriend has ADHD. We have been together for a little over a year, and the relationship is still new. He is very attentive to me, so that is not an issue with us. I have had issues with his giving me too much detail about other women, especially those he works with. I am not jealous of these other women, but it did make me uncomfortable when he would talk about how the manager at his work only hires hot young women to work Help Desk positions. He also went into too much detail about the office slut, and what she has done to get promoted to the same level as him, and oh by the way, He is the one who helped the office slut get a job with his company. He went into WAY too much detail about a 22 year old woman who is a subordinate to him, posted pics of her on FB, and before we met, he made a You Tube video with her and another subordinate (male) at Jobbie Nooner. He finally understands that I was not jealous of the video. I didn't think filming and then putting the video of him partying with subordinates was appropriate, because it could be misinterpreted. If either of the subordinates had been promoted over someone else, it might look like favoritism.
I was confused by things he said to me, like doing dangerous, andrenaline-rush things were things he did in his youth. That he didn't need excitement. He also said that looks aren't important.....right after giving me too much information about how hot all these other women are...I felt like he was saying I wasn't exciting, or attractive.
Like I said, it is early on in our relationship, and we have worked out some of the issues. The difference here is that my BF was diagnosed with ADHD years before I met him, and his ADHD is well managed. He went to a specialist, and behavioral therapy helped him greatly. He is not medicated, because he didn't like the way it made him feel. His ex wife and other people in his life liked it when he was medicated, because they didn't have to "deal" with him.
I wish you the best, and I hope your marriage can be saved.
Thank you
Submitted by addfor20 on
I see too why she was confused and angry. There are boundaries and while I contended that I was doing nothing wrong, that my friendship was platonic, I realized just how inappropriate it was. Thank you for your insight and sharing. I greatly appreciate it. And thank you for your sincere wishes. I hope you and your BF have a long and lasting journey together.
I was recently diagnosed
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
I was recently diagnosed (psychologist) with ADHD after 20+ years of marriage. I just finished reading Melissa Orlov's book and so much of it applies to my marriage. The issue is that my wife recently filed for divorce (after I started treatment but she only just learned of my diagnosis two days ago) and when I brought up my diagnosis, it was met with great skepticism.
I wish you well. You're at the beginning of dealing with the question of whether or not you will change anything about your life. A diagnosis often is a tremendous door of opportunity to tackle change, but it in itself wont fix anything. That's true of any medical diagnosis. It's somewhat the rverse of reality to expect your wife to change anything, now that you have a diagnosis, before you yourself change some ways of doing things, long enough for her to observe your results of action.
i'm wondering why you hid your diagnosis and treatment until she filed for divorce, and only after she filed you let her know it.
There has been no infidelity in my marriage. My biggest ADD contributiors are inattentiveness (you don't love me, you hate me, you don't like what I do) and spontaneous and/or impulsive behavior. We have had numerous issues with my friendships with women through exercise. One, although completely platonic, was inappropriate becasue I was texting and emailing and my wife barely knew this person. I also suffer from bursts of anger which fade away almost as quick as they happen.
I agree with the general response of other women posters. By your own report, you've taken the initiative to have multiple engagements with women outside your marriage. Sorry, texting and emailing younger women does not constitute normal marital behavior, if those communications arent necessary to your work completion or because these women are friends of your wife, too, and the issue and communication are transparent to your wife. She sure should be skeptical that "nothing is going on." The way you alleviate that particular skepticism is to stop doing those behaviors. It will take your wife observing that you dont do them, for awhke, before you demonstrate that you're done with that self gratifying habit. Ball is in your court, not hers, on that one. ADHD doesnt make you seek and do that behavior, so it isnt at fault for your repeated flirting, or however you'd word it, enjoying the attention of women other than your wife.
Thank you
Submitted by addfor20 on
I agree my relations with the younger woman/friend was inappropriate. I have been trying for the past four years to be open and honest about all my interaction. I didn't hide my diagnosis. I received the diagnosis after I was served the divorce papers. I shared the diagnosis shortly after that. When I shared it I told my wife that I in no way felt that this was the reason for everything wrong. After reading the book however, it is very clear to me that my condition has been a severe hinderence to solving many of our problems. And so, I am on the journey to healing. It's all I can do now.
Thank you for kind and thoughtful insight. I really appreciated the candid thoughts and sincerity.
Insight Addfor20
Submitted by kellyj on
I glanced through the comments and the things you've said...and if I can offer you something to think about...it is the same thing that my therapist offered me as way of seeing things more clearly?
The running theme here if you haven't picked up on this? Feelings? Your's and your soon to be ex wife unless something changes but I am not blowing smoke up your shirt here either? Is she is done...then she's done and you are right where you are...in this moment in time?
Something that runs in mind as something that was said by Echart Tolle in his book "The Power of Now". As he describes this..."making an identity with your pain?" And pain after all...is a feeling?
This is a real opportunity...if you take advantage of it right now this very minute? It you choose to identify only with your pain....then yes, all you can do is heal from it and try and move on?
But ....there is one thing I think...that is the first and most important thing you have to ask yourself and remember in any of the things that your wife has ever said to you in the past and I will just leave you with this to answer for yourself?
Why does your wife.....feel the way she did? Could it be....that you are not aware of the impact, and effect of your own actions in determining why your wife's feelings are hurt....and why she feels as she does right now at this time?
In my thoughts about this myself......do you really realize to the degree.....of the things you did in your marriage....or the gravity of the effect that the things you are so aware of your self....might have done a greater degree of damage or hurt on your wife's behalf.....than you are actually aware off and if so.....what can you do to change that now....in the future,l in an ongoing basis for yourself?
The Power of Now....is all about this moment and moving forward? Not moving forward...is all about the past and the pain that your experienced from it? In order to truly move forward, you need to let go of the past gut not forget the lessons that you learn from it? If the past is always viewed through your identity with the pain in the past....it will serve you not in the least...if you can't learn from your mistakes and know what they were?
I think the biggest mistake and the critical error in our ( people with ADHD's ) thinking....is not realizing the gravity of the effect and the negative impact of the things we do at times...and not realizing the pain the this causes others?
I don't think I would be over stepping myself here...in giving you this advise which I think...is really good advise personally and it is what I always keep in mind or try to as often as I can?
J
Thanks J
Submitted by addfor20 on
I think you hit home with "not realizing the gravity of the effect and the negative impact on the things we do at times..." That is a huge struggle for me and I guess will be an important part of my journey. I really apprecitate the time and sincerity that you put into this response. Thank you very much.
For What It's Worth.... ADDrfor20
Submitted by kellyj on
For me...this is the most difficult thing for me to do and stay consistent with it? I am constantly catching myself and finding new ways I have not thought about where I miss to see this in myself? Just when you think you see it or find the answer......10 more come from that one and it never seems to end? I am drawn the conclusion to this myself....is that it will never end as long as I keep looking?
What I have found however....that this process becomes a habit in itself? Just the process of looking and spotting these things....becomes the habit that you don't have to think about or try so hard to do? Just like anything else....there is a learning curve...and it does get easier as times goes on? I use to think that I was looking for something I was totally not able to see? As I found....it was right under my own nose the entire time....but not realizing the gravity of these things...and how they effected other people? That's the hard part to really try and understand but once you see it and once you understand it.....there is no un-ringing the bell?
I liken it to a false summit if you are climbing a mountain? From down below...you see the top and think that as high as it goes? Then when you finally get to what you think is the top...you look up to see that you were fooled by what you saw and there are more summits to climb....like climbing stairs if you can picture it? This can be very disheartening and it can make you want to throw in the towel?
All I can say is.....pace yourself and don't kill yourself in trying to get there any faster than you can. More importantly...that you keep moving and keep climbing...eventually it will be just like climbing stairs...instead of climbing a Mountain which is not all that bad? LOL
Just keep your eyes open and be aware......think first and jump second..and don't jump to conclusions and make decisions that will come back and bite you on the ass? Instead of the other way around? For me....that's how I do it....and that part gets easier the more you do it?
Good luck and keep moving forward. Nothing in the past will do you much good going that direction and it will only slow you down.
J
Do you think your wife would
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Do you think your wife would be willing to read Melissa's book - or perhaps listen to her seminars? Maybe as a condition of the divorce? Example - I will give you the divorce, if you just do this process with Melissa first - so that everything is understood. I would say write what you want in a letter, be open, honest, and detailed about how you feel things have harmed the relationship over the years. Send her the book you read, highlight sections and put page numbers in your letter. If you truly want to save your marriage, then put in maximum effort... dont be lazy, and dont be wishy washy.
I really hope you can bring change and that things work out.
It's a good thought
Submitted by addfor20 on
I was met with skepticism. I have read the book cover to cover and will give her a copy. I'm afraid of highlighting as it may appear that I'm trying to "angle" this or slant it in a direction that it relevant to me. I think she's got to read it. I'm just not sure she will.
Your suggestions are great, thank you. I'd love to hear what you think about not taking the proactive stance you suggested. I would be MORE than willing to do it. I'd finish it this weekend. Tell me why my logic (let her self explore) may not be right, I'm willing to consider anything.
OK - so I *think* I
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
OK - so I *think* I understand your point here, so if I am off track - please let me know :-).
You are worried that if you point out certain things, then she will be hostile to actually looking at it because she no longer trusts you to be genuine? I can see how you would be worried about that, from the history you have shared so far. I would still do it - but make sure that in your letter (if you go that route) you only point out areas that YOU need to fix.... dont worry about her, and I would not focus on things she could/should change right now. Keep that focus 100% on you. For example, if you found something that you identify with, you could write in the letter "
"Wife, I was not able to see the damage I was doing to you and our relationship when I was doing xyz - but when I read Melissa's book on page xx-xx, it opened my eyes to the chaos that I caused when I did that. To be honest, at the time - I had no idea that this is what I was actually doing, but lookng back - and understanding better how my brain works, I think that I can work on ways to make sure I never do xyz again - protecting both you and our marriage if you are willing to work with me and give me another chance. I want to prove to you that I am taking this seriously... etc..."
If you keep that analysis aimed squarely at yourself, and make the committment from YOU - there might be some hope. I cannot predict or tell you what your wife's reaction would be, and there is always a risk that she wont even be willing to try. But if there is still love there, that can be built on - but you will have to work VERY HARD to get the chance.
See the thing is - love and feeling "in love" are two different things. Many times we confuse that "in love" feeling with actually being in love with someone. That "in love" feeling is just that - its a feeling. It comes and goes with the tide. Sometimes you have it - sometimes you dont. And in relationships, if you neglect your partner, that "in love" feeling fades and DOESNT come back. But if you can change that direction, and deposit into your wife's "love bank" then those feelings can and do come back. It really simple math. When your controlling your ADHD tendencies (I edited this since I completely wrote it backwards LOL) - the true love you have for your wife will shine, and YOU will begin to feel it too. But if you let the ADHD tendencies control you - its just going to bring conflict with her, and with in yourself - because there is no room for that "in love" feeling if you are filled with resentment, anger and hurt. Make sense?
I wanted to add that I
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I wanted to add that I understand her skeptisizm. Its very hard to accept that ADHD is a real thing - as in real/measurable thing, like you can measure other conditions. And its only just recently that some "hard" science has been coming out showing brain patterns that DO indicate differences between people who display ADHD tendencies and those who dont. See - I believe that all of us have these tendencies, but because some of us are wired differently (be it genetics, childhood trauma) you learn to control (or not control) those tendencies as you mature as an adult. I believe that managing ADHD can be a gift. I loved the analogy of an ADHD brain being like a race car. If you dont know how to drive a race car, you are gonna crash and burn and harm everyone around you. But you do the work to learn how to drive that machine - and HOLY SMOKES what a beautiful and powerful thing. Harnessing those amazing abilities in a way that HELP versus HARM. I truly believe that.
Paying my psych way too much.....
Submitted by addfor20 on
I know that I have thanked you already but your response goes so far beyond being generous, thoughtful and "other-centered". I just can't thank you enough. I like the approach, it makes all the sense in the world and I will finish the project before the end of the weekend...hyper focus will help. Thank you again for your kindness, I am so appreciative.
.....I reread my response and called it a "project". If bearing down to examine all the symptoms and pains I have caused over the years is more like finding a lost soul than a "project".