My SO of four years recently separated from me. After weeks of us being apart, he explained that the reason for the break up is because he thinks he is no longer in love with me. He is diagnosed ADHD but is untreated. Stress has been affecting his life and I'm afraid the added stress caused his symptoms to worsen. Reading up about how ADHD affects relationships has truly shed light on some of the issues we had in our relationship. He often told me he thought he didn't love me enough because he didn't pay attention to me even though he wanted to. Unfortunately, I am realizing how ADHD effected our relationship after we have separated. I do not think he is aware of how much ADHD has effected us. I suppose what I am ultimately looking for feedback on is whether or not individuals with ADHD tend to feel like they "fell out of love" because they don't know how to regulate their feelings. I'm also looking for opinions on how to address these issues when we are currently not in communication. Our relationship outside of the symptoms was excellent and after recognizing exactly what was going on, I am willing to work towards a healthy relationship. I am concerned about his emotional state and would like advice on healing our relationship from this point.
Falling out of love
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 01/14/2017.
No I Don't Fall Out of Love
Submitted by kellyj on
I have only fallen out of the feeling of being in Love like when you first meet someone new and quote unqote....Fall in Love? That's a feeling that can come and go....but the deeper Love that is there.....never goes always and only grows stronger over time or even if I end up not "liking the person very much or am not compatible....the deeper kind of Love never comes and goes and is always there for me and in fact....never actually goes away even later if I am not with that person any more? I am not even sure you can...fall out of that kind of Love myself from how that feels like to me?
J
Whitepicket, you need to let him go
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
...I think that's the only way. Maybe in time, without you, he'll see what feelings he does have for you. Please read Melissa Orlov's mid December post, under her blog entries.
I know it's a sad thing to wish to be with someone who doesnt want that, or has lost his way. Hugs to you for wanting him well.
Now
Whitepicketfence, welcome!
Submitted by Terra on
I'm new, here, too - but I've been striving to better understand myself and others (many ADHD others, and me, too) for a long time now.
From both sides of the fence (sorry, unintentional turn of phrase) I concur with NowOrNever's response, directly above mine... Do you know the kids' song, "My boomerang won't come back"? (If not, and if you search, please find an audio version, because plain text loses part of the joy in it.
That's something we (anyone) tend to forget: love, just the same as on-the-surface-silly songs, brings bittersweetness along with joy. Doubt, questioning, stepping back... are part of the process, more often than not. Sometimes only in our heart, sometimes overtly, out loud. And yes, I have JJamieson's reply to you in my mind, while I write that. Think about this. When we love, it's a creative process. Unlike a paint-by-numbers kit. And unlike painting, anyway, because the mediums is your personal expression, in counterpoint with your partner's.
Sorry, if metaphor doesn't strike a chord for you. I do know, if you feel troubled in wanting to understand your relationship, others here will give their perspectives to you, from their experience, and from their hearts.
Who knows? This might be a rich time of discovery for you? Love is worth detours, I think. Worth that, and more, surely?
Love to you, hey?
-Terra
In a similar place
Submitted by love that girl on
Hello All, My first post I am new. I am in a similar circumstance. My SO of 2 1/2 years just cut me off cold. We are late 50's. I am non ADHD partner. First year and half, blissful....and then you know what happens. I was being told her psychiatrist thought she was depressed, anxious, bipolar among other things. She would relay that her sessions were usually talks about gardening etc. I asked to attend, was invited and after 30 minutes of a 45 minute session talking about orchids, I asked if we could get to the matter at hand. The psych said "he is a control freak isn't he?". Thankfully he no longer takes her insurance but I don't think the current one has much experience with ADHD. It seems to me that it is more family counseling as her children treat her like a door mat, not even giving a Mother's Day card. I was not fully aware of ADHD until near the end, though in retrospect with what little education I have gleaned, it was apparent. Long story short, early I began asking her why she "hid behind a veil", not letting her real self be known. She has 3 ADHD children who seem to operate on the fringes in order to find a place to fit in. Widowed at 43 with a 4, 8 and 12 year old from outward appearances would appear to have done well. Getting to know her, it is a different story. She has burned through all 2 million of her insurance, has not been able to keep a job for more than a few months. She is surrounded by enablers and co-dependents, who pass things off as "it's just the way she is". When I expressed concern with the whole picture it was suggested to me that I just need to enable her. She is a white knuckle grunting willpower driven person yet very unhappy. Defensive and nasty at times, rarely in public where she comes across as a very personable yet often interrupting person. . Loving gentle and kind sporadically. Her attitude is that her ADHD is not a problem for her. I suppose I could go on and on and you all know the story. Bottom line, I love this girl and her children despite everything. I was woven tightly into the fabric of the family for the last two years. I have been blocked from phone/ text and I would guess emails. Her brother recommended turning tail and running the other direction. Any thoughts.
Thank You
WhitePicketFence, I have to
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
WhitePicketFence, I have to agree with the idea of letting him go. My husband of 5 years, friend of 23 years, romantic partner of 7 years has told me again, 3rd time in those 7 years that he feels he isnt in love me, so even though he "loves" me deeply, he wants a divorce. He is a fool for thinking that "in love" feeling is what true love is - like J said - that feeling comes and goes like the tide. Its nothing to base a marriage or relationship on. Love - REAL love is a choice, its action, its commitment and choosing to build it in every decision - putting the relationship first. That in love feeling comes when you act with love to your partner.
If you are not legally attached to him - I would run. I wish I would have - because I am about to be abandoned after 7 years of emotional abuse (even though it wasnt malicious - well mostly not) and neglect, empty promises of forever, and endless sacrifice on my part for the future he never intended to deliver on. And now he is leaving, and I am not fighting it. I am left abandoned in my deepest times of sorry because its just too much for him. So be it. I am stronger for it - and I will find love again, and that love will be returned to me. I will settle for nothing less ever again. Learn my lesson, it might hurt, but at least you wont have to have any legal untangling to do.
All the best.... I really hope you find some peace and hope.