So quickly:
I come from a big blended family. We are very loud, educated and ADHD. Living in a foreign Country, my parents had to deal with some of my siblings showing symotoms of ADHD but never diagnosed. Mostly because my parents didn't believe in ADHD. I was always inattentive but got a formal diagnosis at 17.
I met my partner a few years later and we moved in together, he is very OCD organised and intelligent. After a few months together we moved to a different city after i got my college degree. somehow, due to my forgetfulness i got pregnant and we had a baby then another immediately after. (which drove him nuts). I have been able to manage most of my symptoms especially the outburst, impulsiveness but still interrupt when people speak.
Problem 1: I told him at the start of our relationship i had add which has resulted in laughter and him saying that it didn't exist. whilst living together, we have gotten into argument about me forgetting to do tasks and breaking promises which considering my situation has resulted in me apologising and trying to fix my mistakes. I am very knowledgeable about my abilities and weaknesses and strive to reach my potential. Also, i had a job and study part time but i am messy and forgetful especially with my keys, cards and wallet, so i understand his annoyance
But problem is my partner only shames me, it seems defensive as i have read diiferents account from non-adhd spouses being nagged at and. So it involves words like stupid, block head and i should be ashamed of myself that i cant do basic things despite being educated. this also involves using things about my family including alcohol dependancy, hoarding to spite me to get things done. It seems to him that my excuse of not being able to close the doors properly or switch off the lights is me being lazy, inconsiderate and careless.
So i am actually very organised and have a list of tasks everyday, but i stick to the most important things and it seem that even when i do all the most important things that my partners gets offended when i leave out the basics like taking out the dishes after they have been washed. It seems like a cycle with arguments, frustration and crying because i am exhausted. He believes that i dont deserve appreciation if my work is not done properly.
I do all the domestic work and i get nagged at, I recently lost my job because of relocation and i understand that he is stressed and i need to find a job but i just cant and that drives my partner crazy. He doesn't see anything wrong in being emotionally abusive since it is my faut he is so angry.
He is not interested in knowing anything about ADHD and just wants me to get off my butt and do what he wants me to do or needs to be done.
i dont know what to do. I dont have a job and care for two toddlers and i am just confused aabout what kind of help i should be looking for.
N,B This is me being nice about how he treats me
Hi totpea, and welcome! You will find many in the same boat here
Submitted by c ur self on
You BF is uneducated when it comes to ADHD, and is overwhelmed by your living of Life....And is looking for any adjective he can grasp to describe you, because he feels it's all Intentional and you should be able to CHANGE!...He just expects you to FIX IT....
Your BF desperately needs to read some books on ADHD....ADHD effects on marriage or Driven to Distraction or both good one's....I was much like you BF, early on in our marriage (he is judging you based on his abilities and his view of life; he has no clue how it is for you to get through a single day) except I did most all the work (became a classic enabler) and got very angry and very bitter, to the point my anxiety was effecting my heart rhythm...
Until I learned a lot of her issues was just her struggles, and not intentionally meant to destroy my life...
I suggest you order the books on-line for him...Also I suggest you order and read...Delivered from Distraction for you own self-help and Melissa's Orlov's book also.....ADHD effects on marriage.....
I'm sorry for y'all's struggles...But understanding, and education of the effects is critical to be able to move forward....Just my opinion...
The two angels deserve a peaceful and loving existence....As you both do also....There are some very good counselors these days that can also help you guys work through this....
You seem to be well aware of and willing to do the work to be productive....That in it self is huge!
C
kudos to you..
Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on
for admitting you were adhd before marriage. mine told my he was "myopic" and had "tunnel vision" or at least that is what a doctor said. WTF! I asked him about a year ago when I found this site and started reading the trials and tribulations of being an ADHD spouse and the characteristics of ADHD people if in fact myopia and tunnel vision were adhd? he said YES! Now it has helped me to know this but I am so not the right person to deal with this disability. If I had known he had ADHD before marriage b/c at marriage that is when for the first time in our relationship we had to work together I would not have gone through with the marriage. I am not the right person to work with this kind of marriage. So your H is at fault here for not listening to you. You are doing a great job!. I wish my H was trying like you!