I started seeing a therapist a few months back. We've been mostly dealing with my self-confidence issues. I've already seen some important benefits. Somewhere around the time I started my therapy, my partner of 15 years (husband for 11) was diagnosed with ADHD. ANd suddenly all the suffering started making sense. (Btw, it is great that his diagnosis and me working on my issues have coincided, otherwise I don't think we would make it).
I don't think I'll tell you anything new here. For almost 15 years we've had a dysfunctional relationship. It is as much my responsibility as is his. I stayed even though there were times when I wanted to run. At the beginning it was not like that. I guess he was less stressed, life was less demanding...
I realize that he was doing his best but his symptoms were awful, ranging from verbal abuse, breaking stuff whenever he would get impatient and stressed to avoiding people and social situations, responsibilities,losing things, forgetting stuff etc.
Slowly during our relationship I became more and more isolated. I have no family to begin with and to make matters worse we moved to another state and I haven't made any new friends. I made some acquaintances but that's it. I work two jobs. He too has a stable job. He was always tidy and giving his best to be responsible keeping the complexity of a life to the bare minimum. I stay in touch with 2-3 close friends, but even they do not know what's been troubling us. My husband asked me not to tell anyone.
Anyway, I haven't been the person I used to be since I met him (at 26). Quite the opposite. I exist. I work. I have zero ambition. I don't want anything. I don't know what to do with my life. I used to be sociable, and now my favorite part of the day is when I am alone, reading or playing chess. How sad is that? I don't feel excitement when we discuss going on a holiday. I don't want to go anywhere. I feel as if I made a wrong turn and now I am on a narrow road and can't turn back. I feel as if I missed at least a few important opportunities. Knowing that he needs help and me giving my best to help him, I never wanted to have kids. I would never drag someone to this mess we were living and to be honest in some aspects my husband was the kid I was rearing.
With therapy and sessions with his shrink he is getting so much better! It is amazing. He wants to help me find a better job. Until now, with me being the only one taking care of everything, I simply couldn't imagine going for a more responsible, better paying job with fixed hours. I opted for two part-time jobs that allowed me to run around and when need be help him or clean up the mess. He remembered how ambitious I was, full of energy, leading people... I asked when? And he said at work when we met... Basically before and at the very beginning of our relationship. We both laughed.
But it made me wonder how much his ADHD, if at all, has contributed for the current state I am in. I recognize that my decision to stay was my responsibility. But is it possible to develop some sort of a depression with and ADHD partner?
I feel you asha
Submitted by nonaddpartner on
For what it's worth I feel very similar to you asha. No ambition, used to be social, feeling isolated because I can't talk to anyone, feeling close to divorce because of the ways we can't get along. He's always blaming me or the kids, any stress makes him angry, says I do nothing, verbal abuse, he has few friends that he never sees, blames me for his lack of motivation, expects me to "mother" him by making sure he eats better or goes to bed on time or wakes up when his alarm goes off... on an on. I want to start seeing a therapist on my own and hopefully one together with him to try to save us. I've been the at home parent for 10 years since my first child was born so going back to work and being a single parent all at once are terrifying concepts to me right now. I will be back on this forum often I think because it's helpful for my sanity to know I'm not the only one dealing with this. And to know that all the things he says are my fault may not be and could largely stem from his ADD. All the best to you!
Thank you for sharing your
Submitted by asha on
Thank you for sharing your story with me!
I would like to encourage you, regardless of any decision you might make concerning your marriage, to find any kind of work. Ideally, the kind you will be paid for. This will boost your self-confidence and help you put things into perspective. It is much easier to find work when you're not desperate.
Right now you are in a position of dependence. I don't know how much this influences your decisions, but I wouldn't be surprised that you put up with more than you otherwise would, because of this.
I don't want to generalize, but we chose our partners with their good qnd bqd qualities because of certain patterns we're used to,e.g. some people think that jealousy is love and put up with all the abuse from their partners thinking that they are being loved.
In my case, I'm used to taking care of people around me. It's not who I really am, at least not 100%. But, I was brought up watching that model and I was encouraged to follow that pattern. So, in that sense, my husband's ADHD matched with this quality of mine. Except, as you say you become everything that is wrong about your partner and your relationship... anyway, please seek therapy and work on yourself! I found cognitive therapy extremely useful.
Hang in tehre!
Situational Depression Asha
Submitted by kellyj on
Situational Depressions I have found...is really nothing more than going through the grieving process which is a process that you need to go through and complete....to get back "out of it again". And sometimes...if you don't process through it all the way through...you stay in it.....until you do? How long can that take? Depends on? And depends on how well you can do this and do that processing all the way through?
And being the ADHD ( male here )....I can say in my lifetime of experiences...I have had to do this many times at different stages in my life...and some were worse than others? The worst cases....take the longest of course....but there are some of those lingerers, I have found....that I never really processed all the way through completely..and those are the ones that you hang on to longer...or never get all the way through...until you get all the way through it? They'll be there....just waiting and lingering until you do... and just sit and simmer....on "slow burn" just under the radar...but they are still there none the less?
The good news is......you get better at it...the more you do it? And it gets easier and faster as times goes with each and every time you go through it? That's the good news here for you to look forward to?
The bad news is......if you don't dedicate yourself to going through it...and process it all the way through? It will still be there waiting for you....sitting on simmer until you do? Indefinitely!!!
So basically....that part is totally up to you? You can't blame anyone else for your failure in doing this..and if you don't even realize this is what is happening to you? Then it's probably a good time to start..and figure out how to do it? Just my two bits...and a whole lot of experience? I think that part....just goes with the territory having ADHD?
J
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by asha on
Thank you so much for your reply!
I've never heard of situational depression, so it helps a lot and puts things into perspective. I kept questioning myself and trying to find a "solution" based on mostly wrong assumptions.
Stay strong your words brought me comfort :)