Ok, so l have just joined the forum and 30 minutes ago l was pulling my hair out and l thought my head was going to explode. My husband of 22years was repeating the same worries that had been bugging him for the last two years and l was seriously losing it as l give him the same advice over and over again.
Now, 30 minutes later l have regained control. My husband knew he had over run the mark and came to see me in my hideaway where l had retreated ( my bedroom) yes, we have separate rooms, he couldn't sleep , he sits downstairs endlessly, sleeping on and off as he says he can't wind down.
He is a messy hoarder, buys stuff and things to do, generally diy but can take years to complete a job that he starts and doesn't see the rush to finish ( he doesn't see how frustrated it makes me ) we have half done diy projects throughout the house at all times and entertaining is out of the question without lots of apologies for the mess he makes. He doesn't pick up social cues but tries very hard when with "outsiders" and they would never know what happens here at home. He loses his rag , can misinterpret jokes and doesn't get sarcasm, he can damage things, l used to hide( still do sometimes) my most valued things in case a mood takes him, it can, very quickly.
All l have heard about in the last three years( seems to get worse with age and stress levels) is refugees and asylum seekers, he is completely obsessed with them, within 5 minutes of any conversation he returns to this, this is what is doing my head in, because we have different views and he can't see others points of view, he talks non stop and doesn't know when to shut up.
Anyway, l came on here to help if l can, ( and vent !) the things l have found have helped is
1) food,... when hungry it can make moods worse
2) good nutritious food, to help deal with the loads of stress caused by crowds, excessive noise etc
3)darkened rooms, when trying to relax an ADHD or Asperger
4)quiet, take away the excessive stimulus that can make them burn
5) peacetime, allow them time on their own to recharge
6)record their programmes, say what you feel if it's nice, they get it, but they don't get a look, the look may as well not happen
7) don't expect them to wait , they don't get the reason for a build up, they will just think you have forgotten or don't care
8) with the kids, take care of the emotional aspects of their care and praise your ADHD man for getting them physical stuff, they might enjoy that more
9) praise him up, he will believe everything you say, because he only has your words to read since he will miss the nonverbal cues
10) sometimes whatever you say will be wrong, just sit it out , take care of yourself, have another sane person to talk to for conversation
11) work, have some time away from him, it's essential to be able to breathe
this is how l have been helped, we get by, now it's harder as l am looking to retire, l will have to have hobbies that take me away from home to keep my sanity
Nice tips:) and Welcome Help Me!
Submitted by c ur self on
Since we live w/ the same circumstance's here are a few more tips....
1) Never reflect their emotions...
2) It's vital that you learn to not feel the need to reply to their comments (most are them talking to themselves anyway)
3) Agree on (set boundaries) just one room or just a couple of designated piles for there "treasures" :).
4) Encourage them to take their adderall or other meds 30 minutes before they have to actually get out of bed; Encourage them to take melatonin 30 minutes before bed time, and (read them to sleep if it works for you)
5) They need a lot of affirmation, look for reasons to praise them....it really helps their mood; (act of service usually isn't noticed)
6) Never feel the need to share mundane details...many have an opinion about everything, and they can't differentiate between you just sharing information vs asking permission...The desire to Control will most always cause them to take a controversial stance....
7) Don't expect apologies after outbursts...expect them to get silent for an hour or two than start back up talking like nothing happened...If you get an apology thank them for it....
8) Never try to speak into a closed mind (denial) one that is defensive and can't see themselves...You will grow angry and bitter if you do...
9) Always remember you are human also, don't loose site of you need to mange you own life issues... Don't forget to breathe! Don't forget to live well!.. And you can expect to have to set boundaries to get it done..:)
Blessings HMIUC....
C
Good Tips....Adding a Few More and Insight
Submitted by kellyj on
1) Learn to "read" (our) emotional state. That includes #2, #6, #8 on C's list. That also includes #7 and #10 on HelpMe's list as well. I also wanted to add my own insight into this which in part...is why I said (our)...instead of (theirs ) here? If I have learned anything from being with my wife who has ADHD, and comparing myself here ( also with ADHD ) and adding into this mix, I can sum this up simply by saying...."Love the One You're With." That means that some of these things will apply to some people with ADHD...and some of them will not? Or not exactly as you expereince the person you are with because how the same thing can get manifested from one person to the next differently. That's the main concern when reading these things from a book or list of symptoms and descriptions from what other people might say about ONE particular individual. This is extremely important to note.
2) Understand and Know Triggers and What to Avoid. Taking from what I said about knowing or reading the person..and "Love the One You're With"...I might offer some insight into this and why this is so important.
This has taken me some time to assimilate down to a simple concept to think about which in part.....the answer to the problem of ( for lack of a better word ) the "de-humanizing effect" of labeling, categorizing or classify behaviors or symptoms...and getting that confused or not differentiating the "person", or "real human being" underneath their symptoms of ADHD and problems they create for you and how they effect you. It's extremely easy to fall into the trap of judging or seeing that person as the "whole", or as defining "who that person is" when speaking about any of these things which is what most, if not all people in general do ....at large, out there in the community of people everywhere. I not only think this is common or even to say, more normal for people to do in general, but to say that in the same sentence...is to say this is exactly why you yourself should find a way not to do this which is very thing, right from the start...in getting off on the wrong foot in truly understanding what a person with ADHD needs from you?
To be clear....you are not trying to understand "them" and know what they are thinking or what they are saying at times ( again coming back to these tips and things to avoid ) but understanding "WHY"...as a means to understand , and "WHAT" you need to understand, more than anything else? These are the things, that you don't necessarily read specifically in any literature or hand book or some clinical definition from a hand out or book. If there is a "deeper meaning" or aspect to this, I hope I can give you some insight in order to do this better and help differentiate the "person" or "human being"...from "ADHD"...simply put?
Even as I am writing this...I am still struggling in finding a way past using "them"...or "they" in making this distinction clear? And here I am...in the same boat, as anyone else trying to do this and there doesn't seem to be a way to simply "talk about these things"...without doing this to a certain point in the communication aspect to this? Anyone who does not have ADHD...will certainly blunder right into this inadvertently, until you gain the same insight into this on a deeper level which is really at the heart of this for a person who has it? This is the part that I'm saying...that you probably are not going to hear directly since it's the most difficult part to explain? And just for example with my wife only....it is not something she knows or even knows how...or is even aware of this herself? She "can't explain" or "express"....what she does not know? And expecting a person to know what they can't know...is expecting too much.
3) In the same sentence....it is not impossible or that we are incapable of doing this or knowing it. But first, you have to learn it about, learn how to differentiate the ADHD, and the not ADHD, and then know how to apply it, in order to say what it is for anyone else to actually understand what you are talking about?
And that takes some learning, expereince and some success in applying it before you can say what it is? In real life application, in action live and in person. Even if, you know what the difference is between one thing or another....if you can't say what it is ( having it ) and they can't tell you...that leaves you guessing which is hugely part of the problem right there? In fact, it is the problem as I am saying this...which is what you need to try an avoid by understanding the "WHY" part?
This is me...trying my best...to provide the insight I have into my wife ( coming from the same perspective and the same issues ) and seeing the difference here and shaking out the wheat from the chaff and getting down to as simple an idea or concept as I can for anyone reading this? Under this heading...I can make a simple list in a way to do this? Hopefully, I will give it my best shot?
4) Personalizing That, as I say this...is an issue unto itself? it can work in your favor...or it can work against you depending on how well you can read the person? How that plays out I think, can be anything and everything under the sun depending on the person you are with. If a person has a propensity, to personalize things....this will play out differently...from another person who doesn't? I think to say in general, this is a problem for most of us but even though...taking myself for example here...this plays out completely differently compared to my wife?
Under this heading comes labeling or name calling for example? The worst thing for my wife for example...might be to call her "stupid" ...or to say an expression like "that's stupid" in speaking about anything? Just as one example? Just simply saying "someone is stupid", "that's stupid", that was a "stupid thing to do"...will really set her off? Even if it's not about her...she will take that in and personalize it anyway? That is a trigger for her, that I have found to best to avoid? And the reason for this is easy. If you know you're not stupid in the sense of intelligence...but you do "stupid things"....this de-humanizing aspect of this...really start coming into play? If you are not differentiating yourself in the same way.....when you hear other people doing it and not differentiating the difference...then you will take that in as meaning "you"...or feeling it is "you"...as a label that defines you and who you are? This is what people do....but having ADHD means, we have to separate ourselves and differentiate this ourselves...as we hear other people saying these things or using these common everyday expressions or descriptions about describing anything?
I could ( and have in joking with my dogs )...say Loving endearments to them in a more factitious way ( gushing with Love and affection for them and feeling even "in Love with them" at that moment of endearment) and say these kind of opposites..as a means to say exactly the opposite of what I am really feeling as means to do this in a Loving way that the dogs of course...have no idea what I am talking about? For example: "You deserve nothing. You are the lowest form of animal life on the planet and the lowest order on the food chain and have no intrinsic value what so ever? Why should I give you this delicious treat in my hand?"...as my dogs sit and beg for food...which they know they are not suppose to do? Or tell them "If you don't behave, I'm dropping you off at the back door of ( some Asian restaurant )" as another means to do this just in fun? I might not say that kind of thing exactly that to a person...but even if I did, in a way of actually connecting and becoming closer and in the sense of playfulness and playing together all in good fun. In this way, you are exposing yourself and them and becoming more vulnerable..and just opening up and saying these things in fun as means to show ...just how much I love these two...stupid dumb animals that really serve no other function? That is compared to human beings? Stupid or dumb...only compared to US...on a human level or intelligence?
My true feelings of course about my dogs is...they are amazingly intelligent animals. They have this amazing ability to see things and hears things that human beings can never do? They are highly emotional creatures with a wide range of emotions and feelings..and are incredibly smart in ways that humans don't nearly appreciate enough? In fact...dogs have capabilities and abilities that go far beyond that human comprehension to the point of having what might be called...."super human qualities"...if they were in fact, human?
So when I say to my dogs "You are the lowest order on the food chain and have no intrinsic value" (as I am handing them their favorite treat, even though they are begging for it which they are not suppose to do? ) I am actually paying them an extreme compliment but doing it in a factitious way because they know of my true feelings and of course...they only respond to my feelings, not my words....more straight to the point? I can say anything to my dogs and say any words I want to...and it really doesn't matter...because my dogs read my emotions and are highly intuitive and instinctual in that way to know exactly what I am feeling towards them any time? Any affection...is good affection for a dog no matter what you say or do....they can read between the lines in that way?
So as I am saying this...I have a deep connection with my dogs or dogs in general. For that matter...animals which has always had a special place in my heart even at an early age? I understand dogs..and "dogs ways"...and I can read them, and intuit them..and know what I am seeing? I can feel them and their emotions and see it in their expressions and their actions and I can play right along with them and join them in their world as being a dog? In fact, once I was able to understand "dog language" and what my dogs are saying...it blows my mind just how smart and amazing they are and the abilities that they have? Our cat...at one time, had a extremely bad ear infection which became systemic to the point of needing anit-biotics. My one dog...started hovering around her..and was constantly truing to lick at her and tend to her..because he knew something was wrong? Anc he wouldn't leave it alone, to the point that the cat was becoming really annoyed as well? It was him, trying to tell everyone to come care or take care of our cat and he was absolutely right and he was doing his best to communicate this in the way he instinctual knew how? He could sense...what even the cat couldn't express or tell us...but he did, and he wouldn't let up...until he stopped sensing this danger or injury with our cat? I also know...when he is "bitching me out" and "telling me off" as well? He is a big..."back talker"...which I can relate with quite well myself. LOL
The point here is....I am reading my dogs..and they are reading me quite well both at the same time and that is how we connect with one another..without words in order to do so? And once I learned how to do this...the things they say and the abilities that I see...amazing me everyday.....but compared to humans....they are just dumb animals....as was a more common expression or way to see dogs in comparison? They are not "humans" in that respect...so their is no need to worry about de-humanizing dogs in the same way?
However...if my wife hears me speak to my dogs in this way...or hears me say the same things sometimes...she personalizes it, and gives the dogs "human qualities" and takes that on to herself as she hears me? She is not able to differentiate what I am saying, hear the factitiousness in it...and completely misses the understanding or what I am saying..and only hears the words "no intrinsic value"...or "lowest order on the food chain" and somehow takes offense at this as if...the dogs can actually understand my words? The dogs have no idea what I am saying to them...they only know my feelings towards them...as I am saying it? I can say anything to my dogs..and my dogs always know what I am really expressing at the time which is always with the utter most Love and affection...no matter what words I use? And in the same way....my wife gets these things confused..and only hears the "words" only? Dumb means dumb. Stupid means stupid. There is not other way to interpret those words and try an apply that to the feelings of Love? Even though...that is exactly what is happening but somehow my wife will take that on as her own, and apply it that way instead?
This is the deeper understanding..l.that is difficult for my wife to do, unless she takes the time to really pay attention to these things..and try to understand them...on their level...not her own? She can "bark" at the dogs ...or :growl at them" speaking in English ( become irritable and snap at them..and give them orders and commands in an effort to try and make them obey. Which, they usually will try and run the other way and try and avoid her? I will walk in..and actually "talk to them like a human does to another human" .....and they know exactly what I am saying, and normally do exactly what I say or want them to do? ( mostly not always!! LOL ) This is in the very essence of what I am seeing as the difference here just to show you one example?
And the difference is only in the words used here? I can care less personally..if someone calls me a "name" or "labels me" straight to the point? Not always of course, but I generally do not take that in....in a means to define who I am? What hits me and really triggers me...is more based on actions, and less on words and that applies to a persons emotional state..and reading "irritation"..."anger"...or anything of that nature...;which I am more highly susceptible too? In fact...I am much more "dog like"..in that way since...words hold less value or importance, and I don't tend to personalize "words" as much as I personalize others emotions and feelings and take those on to myself?
And yet...my wife and I both, have the same issues with triggers...once we are triggered in having to stop that train before it leaves the station..and keep that emotional train from getting out of control? That is the constant here...but how we get triggered and they way we get triggered...is as different as night and day? My wife appears completely unaffected by my moods or emotional state. In fact...I might go as far as saying that she has no idea what those are....straight to the point? Her ability to "sense" things....as far as emotional cues or feelings...is the specific thing that is lacking between her and I?
What this really comes down to is "feelings". Feelings...are not emotions. Emotions you can see and observe in another person much more easily..than you can sense them at time? Either you see them...or you don't...... but "feelings" are happening ALL the time....24/7...and you can't see them...you can only sense them...simply put? I may have many feelings about many things...but I tend to be more stoic..and don't express them emotionally or outwardly or at least...I have that option and for the most part...I tend more to not show them, as a general rule unless the situation or I am with someone where I can be more vulnerable or feel safe in doing so? Yet...the feelings are there always..and they can range from extremely intense...to mild or even indifferent? But my moods, my outward demeanor and the way I express them...is more reserved and not "expressed outwardly" as a general rule or all the time where ever I go? That makes it more difficult for people to read at times...because I tend to keep that more close to my chest as a general rule or in public? Evn when I am angry........you may or may not know it at the time...depending on? That's just how I am...as part of my personality even with ADHD which kind of goes against a lot of the things you might read or try and apply to this...only because it's more of a personality trait or a personal quality ..that tends to run in our entire family except....only 3 out of 5 are like this...the other 2 are more like my wife in that way? More highly emotional..and highly expressive outwardly and verbally speaking? My sister, father and I...are more just like I said? More stoic...less outwardly expressive and more closed to the chest until we get really angry....and then you will see it but not before until it gets to a certain point?
So under the heading of "Personalizing"...comes a host of potential problems with reading this..and knowing what you are seeing? If these traits are personal..and part of a persons personality....then how the ADHD symptoms play out..and how you read them...will be as individual as each and every person is....in the total or whole of their personality....ADHD or not?
As stated....the "Cult of Personality"..is base on popularity or popular culture. Which means...depending on this aspect and how you apply it...a popular person...might be as described "Donald Trump" as means to get elected or in how you might see him? He didn't win the "popular vote"...but he still won the election..for all the reason there are for this? He as I see this...is like a Master in the Cult of Personality contest...which really as they are saying this...is how he won the election? Through twitter and face book as a means to reach the mass audience? His strategy in a purposeful way....went right after this aspect where no one else did? In the cult of personalty contest...Donald Trump won since no one else was playing? That was his genius...as it was...in being a better "player"...and less a politician which he hit that untapped resource which has this way of saying things outwardly...without fear of rebuttal or reply? He is a calculating son of a bitch...I can hand him that one? ( whether you agree with me or not? )
But not to get off topic here..and staying with this to completion. Personality is a huge factor in all of this...and not something that can be included in a book or description or clinical definition talking about ADHD. Personality, character, and personal characteristics...I feel, is as big if not bigger a part to play here...than almost anything else I can think of? That, is not going to be taken into account...in any book or research on ADHD? That can be anything and everything between heaven and hell....and then you need to ADHD to the mix...not the other way around IMHO?
Personality + ADHD...is what makes any person in their entirety and that part is so unpredictable and so just part of that person for so many reasons...that is hard to classify, label, or define by any other means, than to try and understand them as a person first....then apply these things to them since from one person to another...they can be as different as night and day?
The is the human being as a person. And then there are ADHD symptoms that you see? One is part of that persons personality...and the ADHD is the added bonus on top of it? You can take the ADHD out of the person...but you can't take the person....out of the ADHD? Meaning, for the person who has it...they can control the symptoms and control the ADHD aspects to the point you would never know the difference? But they still have it..and all that goes with it...even if they are doing a good job of hiding it or not letting it show? You always have it..and it's always there....even when a person learns to keep it under control....you still need to understand this aspect of it...or you will never be able to read or understand the person standing in front of you who has it? That is the deeper understanding that I think goes a step below the surface that you really cannot see or will ever know yourself?
4) Make it personal to the person you are with....not about making it personal to yourself in a positive way. Personalizing in a positive way means exactly that. Give that person...what is most personal to them by personalizing and adapting your Love language, how you approach them and what they need in how they need it base on them...ane no one esle? Not how you like it or want it....how they like it or want it? You catch more flies with honey as they say...and that is really how I can sum this up best. It's not how you want it...or what you like....it's what ( they like or want .,.,including me here as in ( We ). If you cannot understand the difference..and cannot differentiate all of the things..and separate the person..from the ADHD..and know what you are seeing? You will never be able to read them...or understand what you are seeing...or know why this is so important in the first place....in order to know how and when to apply it?
This is an empathy and compassion problem ...for everyone involved. If you can't get your mind ...out of your own head.....and try and get inside the mind of someone who has ADHD and how they are different....then it's you who is suffering from an empathy problem...as much as they are with you? If you can't learn to read a person with ADHD and understand what you are seeing is different than you.
A final note to this just to show you how this works? In my wife's case and her case alone. Only one thing registers as Love for her. Acts of service. If I do anything but "acts of service"...then my wife cannot feel Love coming from me? It's the only thing that registers with her..and the second I stop "doing acts of service"...my wife feels unloved and un-cared about? I can give her Love and affection in 100 different ways..and express it to her in words and or by doing anything else, they all fall flat at a pancake and are dismissed as almost irrelevant to her? This use to hurt my feelings badly until I started understanding the very things I am saying. Those things do not register...or make an impression or have little to no impact with her for what ever reason there is for this? What ever it is there that is blocking her from receiving those things is less important here? Those are the very things I want and need...in order to feel Love from her which I rarely get...if that is where I am looking for them?
In turn...she gives those things to me all the time...but they rarely have much of an impact or leave in lasting impression on me or make me feel Loved? Those things...I can dismiss easily and that is not what hits the mark with me? That isn't my Love language AT ALL....no matter how often she does them and how much she gives them to me? Serving me, falls flat as a pancake with me and is almost meaningless to me...in the very same way? In order to connect with my wife...and make her feel Loved....then I only one choice here but its not the one of my choosing? I don't get to choose...what makes my wife feel Loved....and that is the key here that goes along with these lists...in order to know the "WHY"...and the "What"....for her, and her alone? No matter how many different stories you read here on just this forum alone....it doesn't;t matter what you read about another person with ADHD...it only matters to the one you are with...and no one else? It's personal....that's the point? I get nothing really....from getting "served and honestly....I don't get a lot of satisfaction from serving either? Serving...isn't even on the target and is completely off the radar for me when it comes to Love..and feeling Love from her? But as I am saying this....it does for my wife, so I do get something out of it...by Loving her in the way she needs to be Loved even if I don't get any direct satisfaction or pleasure out of doing it? I get something or a bit of it knowing that I am making her feel Loved so this is a giving thing not a receiving thing directly speaking? That is...what Love is after all? It's giving....it's the thought that counts?
So in my effort to complete these lists...I think you need to include what I said here...in order for it to work..and know how to apply it?
5) " Love the One You're With "
Like the song says:
If you're down and confused
And you don't remember who you're talking to,
Concentration slips away
Cause you're baby is so far away
Well there's a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love honey
Love the one you're with
Don't be angry, don't be sad
Don't sit crying over good times you've had
There's a girl/boy right next to you
And she's / he's just waiting for something to do
Well there's a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love honey
Love the one you're with
Couldn't have said it better myself? lol
J
excellent stuff J
Submitted by c ur self on
My 9 tip list should of had a disclaimer....These tips will always be based on my experiences...So thanks J for making that important point...Also I know I have adhd tendencies as well...So your (our) can fit me as well....
A side note on Love Languages...My Spouse insists acts of service isn't her love language (much like u do here)....But, anyone who isn't messy in general and does not have hoarding tendencies...But tries to coexist w/ someone who does?...Well?? You can't have both in the same space?? Get it?...So the acts of service is mostly about survival in one persons mind (if I'm going to live w/ this person, I've got to do the work)...
Anyway what is comical....Even though acts of service isn't her (specified) love language she is always wanting to be served by her hyper husband...i.e....Set down to watch TV and she has no qualms about asking if I will go get me this or that?? Of course I usually do...Acts of service! Natural to me right?....I think I will start saying when she asks to be waited on.....No, go get it yourself so I can show you love by affirming you for being so efficient at taking care of all your own wants an needs...
That should make the point right??....Do you think it will fly?? LOL......She might see what I see:)
C
C It is Almost Comical at Times
Submitted by kellyj on
That thing about asking will you get up and get me something? lol I had a roommate long ago..who would always wait until you got up to get something from the kitchen and then ask you if you would bring him something. It got to be a running joke it was so bad and I got so "sensitized" by that experience, that when my wife does the same thing, I'm going "c'mon, not again!!! " lol But really, when I stop and think about all that my wife does around the house that I don't do just to keep it the way she wants it, I have to concede that acts of service, segways perfectly in me, being neater and tidier and it is working and I am forming those habits which is good for everyone including me. What I have found however, is the immediacy problem in that, my wife just can't wait for anything which is part of the impatience aspect of having ADHD. Waiting, is not her thing!!! LOL She cannot stand, waiting in line or waiting for anything and that is a problem if waiting is required in not making a bad decision based on "how fast"...instead of other considerations like "how much " ( will it cost ), "how much more work will that be later on" ( doing it 10 times vs doing it once in a big group , batch like operations together as 1 ) or anything that has to do with conservation or energy, money, time etc etc etc. If "fast"..is the only consideration....then you get what you pay for sometimes?
I use to have a sign in my shop.....more as a joke for my commercial customers which were all sales people, and sales people as a group...appear to have a similar issue with patience.lol Just my experience? Any way..the sign read "you can have it cheap, you can have it fast, or you can have it done well...but you only get to pick two."
It appears...that my wife never read that sign?? LOL This just doesn't work for her. She wants it fast, cheap and done well and there is not a lot of room for negotiation sometimes? That's our main issue but really that boils right down to the impatience aspect of having ADHD which is all about waiting. When someone doesn't understand the aspects of that sign as written...and you try and explain it to them and they still don't get it....that is a problem there is not a real solution for?
And in respect to the very thing that I was kind of butting heads with my T about, was this very thing of time and expediency. ( or imediacy more like it ) If I said I will do something today..and at the end of the day...it's already done....that became a problem in itself since I never got the chance to serve her?
Now...I am purposefully picking fast...over done well and done cheap.....since that is really what serves her best and makes her feel Loved? In one aspect...you could see that as enabling...but enabling a person who is doing these things better, faster and much more fastidious than you? It kind of hard to argue that point when you see it that way? And the more I do along those lines...the more we get along so in picking my battles.....fast as in "RIGHT NOW"... is the best option and relieves the tension much more than every before. That was a tall order at first let me tell you? I am not really suited for the service industry like customer service, waiting tables, or anything along the lines of "serving others" in that way? It literally goes against the grain with me..and in turn...I don't expect it either? That's the part that neither serves me...or gives me pleasure since it is so out of character for me to do but at the same time...it doesn't do anything for me either to be served in that way?
But who said old dogs can't learn new tricks? It's taken me a while...but I am finally getting the hang of it and it's now something I think about along with the rest of things I need to do? It just took me a while...to form that habit? And really as I am doing this....forming new ones is a hell of lot easier...than break old bad habits any day!!! LOL
The thing I don;t share with your wife is hoarding as in the motivation or need to hoard? I amy have clutter issues...but I don't save things just to save them? I have no problem renting a drop box..and filling that thing up and saying bye bye!! LOL Or selling stuff. Or just throwing in the fire place or the outdoor fireplace on the deck? Any time I can get rid of things...I am more than happy to do it? Organizing..and keeping it that way...is thankfully my only real issue which is not a compulsive neurotic kind of thing like hoarding?
That the tough part for you C and hear what you are saying? You really don't have anything like I do to "segway into" it sounds? At least what I am doing to serve my wife...serves me in improving on something I really do need to improve on? But that immediacy thing is a lot tougher to comply with? That is a compulsive kind of thing when impulsive need ...turns to OCD and doing it fast, done perfectly and cheap.....are a requirement? That is where...I finally had to pick for her...and leave the chips as they may? She is getting it fast and cheap...but perfectly which is more the compulsive part...is the one I choose....not to...according to the sign I use to have posted right when you walked in the door? I don't think my wife would appreciate that....so I left the sign out of it..and just did it anyway!! LOL You've got to pick and choose your own battles and not let someone pick them for you I guess?lol
J
Yep I can feel ya J...
Submitted by c ur self on
I probably have tendencies that mirror your wife in some ways, But...BIG But..LOL...I do not have what she has in you...And I will leave it at that...Self awareness and not being afraid to do the work w/ out blame goes a long long way...
(If I said I will do something today..and at the end of the day...it's already done....that became a problem in itself since I never got the chance to serve her?)
In the past because she would just ignore her messes for days or weeks, I would do what you say your wife does here...Now she has started doing what you do..She points out that she would have done it, if i would have left it alone....So, I'm trying to be patient and let her do it...And to her credit she has been a different person in this respect....this may sound small to some...But...It's a big victory for the marriage in this ole boy's eyes....
And any one who says' old dogs can't learn new tricks is very spoiled or very lonely..LOL....
C
Ha! Good Point C (edited ....oops lol )
Submitted by kellyj on
This thing about impatience and waiting. As Eckhart Tolle would say "if you are waiting for me to do something, I would be stressed and you would be impatient" LOL. He has a good point in a humorous way. Impatience, is a form of anger or a close cousin and when I first heard that, it has now reminded me of that and told ( me )....not to wait. Doing things right NOW....in the immediate for my wife...pretty much kills two birds with one stone however sometimes....it's impossible, literally...when you've got both hands full at the time, or right in the middle of doing another thing I should be doing. That's those times the hardest ones ) that I just drop everything anyway and just do it anyway or as often as I can. I was kind of biting the bullet on those times for sure ( grinning and bearing it ) but with practice.....it's just not that big a deal anymore. I think the fact that I am not "stressed out" ahead of time, makes it easier for me to do? I can't do anything about my wife's impatience problems...but as long as I am not stressed....one bird is still better than no birds at all ? Know what I mean? LOL
J