Submitted by devonshire on 02/17/2010.
My husband has ADD. One of the things that REALLY bothers me about him is that he ALWAYS finds fault in practically everyone. And if he doesn't, then he goes the opposite extreme and absolutely worships the person.
Generally, he's always seeing the bad points in other people (thank G-d not in me and the kids, but who knows when that will change) and it irks me to no end. Bad mouthing them, overfocusing on the negative, etc, is so common by him.
Is this something related to ADD, as in "intolerance for imperfection"? Mind you, he's less than perfect himself, and he'll admit it, but somehow he's very slow to realize his own faults, thinks he's self-aware and he's not at all.
Any advice?
My husband is the same way,
Submitted by newfdogswife on
My husband is the same way, as you have mentioned, in your first paragraph. Unfortunately, in our case, the fault finding hit home in me and our daughter. I'm sure he discussed this with the people he worshiped which made him look "perfect". It was an awful time, in our relationship.
I'm sure it has something to do with ADD. My husband is less than perfect and will admit it. But, when he can point out everyone else's faults with the bad mouthing and overfocus on the negative, I believe in his mind, he can justify his "perfection". Not a good place to be, in my opinion.
Swinging between superiority complex and zero self-esteem
Submitted by Almost Over Now on
My husband has also always been *very* critical of others and can obsess about perceived faults and thoughts or actions that he perceives as intentional attempts to hurt him. He is incapable of forgiving human nature in anybody else (at first he thought I was a flawless angel, but over time he started seeing fault in me too and when in a bad mood he'd be condescending toward me because of that). I've pointed out repeatedly the incongruity in his impossibly high standards for others and yet his insistence that others be willing to forgive him and be tolerant when his ADHD behaviors hurt or inconvenience them. It hasn't changed anything - he stays as critical as ever.
My theory is that he was on the receiving end of "unfair" judgment his whole life, especially growing up overseas in a culture where nobody knows about ADHD and just labeled him crazy, disobedient, lazy, stupid etc. He knew it didn't feel fair and that made him defensive and resentful toward the entire world. Pretty difficult to work around that.
On the other hand I know he's fighting a heart-breaking internal battle. At times he recognizes there are things he's doing that are wrong (he's very religious, but he's had a serious problem with infidelity for example), so I know he has a deep-seated hatred for himself. He tries to improve, fails, beats himself up for it, scares himself with thoughts of going to burn in hell eventually, thinks about suicide because what's the point of living if he's already condemned to burn and suicide would just get him out of the suffering of this life that much faster, etc. Tears, remorse, me trying to encourage him to stay on path. And then comes all the resentment, the "people who say there's something wrong with me are unfair jerks who don't understand- I'm smarter than them, I'm better than them..." anger, explosions, blaming, criticising, threats.
The ADHD is definitely real, but so are depression and anxiety in his case and I suspect possibly a little Borderline. He's threatened suicide twice (i.e. gotten out a knife) and talked about it many other times. I know by leaving him now he may well take that action but then again he might be bluffing and just using emotional manipulation. I'm too drained to care either way, I want OUT.
ADHD, depression, anxiety,
Submitted by newfdogswife on
ADHD, depression, anxiety, Borderline disorder, ODD, Adult Child of an Alcoholic....you name it, I regretfully believe my husband has it. He was labeled crazy, lazy, stupid, etc. when he was young and yes, he became a very defensive and resentful person toward the entire world. It cost him many golden opportunities in his life that now only fills him with regret. My husband is 53 and ADD/ADHD was unheard of when he was a child. Thus, the labeling!!!!! So sad!!!!!
My husband uses emotional manipulation, at times, not as much as he used too. With the diagnosis and research, I am better able to recognize these moments and just call his bluff.
double standards?
Submitted by Clarity on
Or extremes and contradictions? I think it's very ADD. I've experienced much of that behavior, it's the usual and it's still unsettling. The first thought is most likely negative or the worst case scenario... and no, he can't apply the old "golden rule" and do unto others as you would like them to do unto you. His logic doesn't make sense. But whatever his response for the moment is, he always works it to his advantage and makes himself look good...
He's called me a hateful (upset), vengeful (not at all) ice queen (exhausted) but also tells me he loves me and would throw himself in front of a truck for me. I'm not counting on it...
thank you for all your input
Submitted by devonshire on
I appreciate your answers. It gave me a lot to think about. My husband has also gone thru a lot of failure as a kid and a result has no self esteem. I still remember when we were engaged, and I had NO idea (me, who worked with special needs kids at the time!) that there was any ADD involved, I had noticed about the self-esteem thing. It's kind of been a journey of discovery that led us to this ADD. It definitely helps understand a lot, and I just hope we will learn to deal with it. The hardest is getting him to admit that he's got it, but he's taking the suggestion of it really hard. Thinks he has a flawed brain or something...