Things were going well for a bit between ADHD spouse and I, but recently the demands on me and stress has increased greatly. My older son started a new med and I have had to keep close watch on his for side effects (which did happen as we raised the dosage), which meant taking him everywhere with me. He also got approved for some disability services, so I have been rushing to find therapists, habilitation and respite people to work with him, I have tons of medical receipts to submit, need to find a mental health case manager for him, and had a clerical error that was substantial with his services that I had to figure out how to get fixed.
My younger son has a big mess with his school- found out the teacher threatened to flunk him and half the class based on a yearly assessment test, which is illegal, and that she had been picking on him half the year. It took several days to reach the administrators on his campus about this, and the highest level administrator I spoke with simply acted like he didn't know whether my son could be flunked on this basis or not. Not to mention my son has a 504 Plan for his ADHD/Autoimmune Encephalitis. With two weeks left in the school year I have been debating pulling him out of school but could get in trouble with the law, so battling on how to keep him away from this teacher because she is absolutely crazy (hormonal new Mom who hates special needs kids).
Then I have my own health issues and am trying to keep working while finding my younger son a new school and getting older son's schedule set up for the summer. On top of doing all parenting and housework.
My husband was gone on purpose four nights this week, either with hanging out with friends, teaching sports classes or at the fraternity he is a part of. Despite my pleading with him to help out. He would come home late at night and do nothing, basically collapse on the couch and ignore my requests to at least get one child in bed, and start falling asleep after that. My older child started having rage episodes and things like that due to a med dosage increase, so that made for two dangerous, volitile and difficult mornings in a row, on top of younger child's school drama. By last night, I was pissed off. Ending up yelling and going off at him for quite some time because he did the ignoring me and watching TV thing instead of at least getting one child in bed. His excuse was that he should be able to watch his TV shows and it's the weekend so they can stay up all night if they want. No, not kids with chronic health issues and one with special needs. As it was, they fell asleep way past 10pm, which is too late for especially my younger child. Spouse and I also had a big fight on Thursday night where he tried to deny his younger son has ADHD symptoms (due to Autoimmune Encephalitis), does not need any help in school, and that he better not ever end up with an IEP, etc. About 10 million people have told me both my kids clearly have neurological issues, and a friend with multiple children with Autism actually thought my younger son might at some point test on the spectrum due to repetitive behaviors, attention issues, sensory issues and social problems he has had this year.
My husband suddenly got up this morning and did laundry and cleaned the garage, took the kids out. Good thing too, because I am so burned out I am considering leaving for like a whole month. I'm just exhausted handling everything and getting no help. I guess he is trying to make it work or this is how adults with ADHD respond in a sheer panic.
My ex sometimes did this, too
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex sometimes did this, too: not responding until or unless I got mad. It seemed (although I don't know if this is accurate) either 1) that he couldn't sense that I was concerned or upset unless I expressed anger or 2) that he knew I didn't like to get angry and so hoped to avoid contributing by relying on me to not express my anger.
Is he aware of how he makes you feel?
Submitted by smd1409 on
What's more, do you both have the same goals?
It seems as though there's a disconnection between your thoughts and his. For example, you want your children to sleep early during weekend but he thinks they have no need to. Different views. If you haven't already, this needs to be agreed upon. Sit him down and have a talk about how you think your lives and goals should be if you're dissatisfied.
In this case, the first disconnection is that you want him to help out but he isn't. He might think he doesn't need to. Meanwhile with your children and his, you might think they need a proper plan while he thinks kids should be kids. Do not mistake his views for not caring enough, believe me when I say that there is so much I can explain about his actions I could write pages and pages of it which may help you to understand and even accept why he does what he does. Do not rush to think that he does not care.
Start off with on a good point followed by a complaint rather than a criticism. Make it personally about you rather than him or else he might get the wrong message, because you want him to help and to work with you, so it's definitely about you just as much as him. For example "My dear, I love you so much, and I want things to work smoothly for both of us, so I need to talk to you about something. I've been feeling really stressed out recently by the thought that our kids aren't getting the right amount of care they need, and I don't think I can handle this on my own." He will obviously reply with his own views, but the point is to remain calm and accept his feelings while also gently pushing your own so you can both come to a conclusion. If you set off by telling him off by saying something like "I don't think you're doing enough", you're just setting yourself up for an argument which ends in the husband being more defiant than he was before to help you. Think about how you would feel if the husband told you out of nowhere that that you love to complain so much. Your instant emotions would probably be anger, sadness, and you would respond by not only attacking his actions but also defending yourself, and tell yourself that he's in the wrong. If he had said instead that he felt stressed and overwhelmed, you may reply by saying it's his fault (not recommended, there's a better way of saying this), but at least you didn't get angry and make what could even be an unconscious decision to rebel against anything he says. He has to accept what you say and then push his own view. It's the same in the earlier case.
Reach a conclusion so you both know where you stand and so that neither of you have an excuse to act against it. I can spot other disconnections in your views and thoughts, related to knowledge of ADHD (which I would say is a very very high priority though not at the top in my view) and what both your roles and priorities should be as well as a misunderstanding of when 'me time' is for both of you and how long, but one at a time. Decide on which issue is the most important first and work on that before moving onward or else one of you will be overwhelmed by all the goals and give up altogether on anything (I'm guessing the husband because ADHD partners are prone to stress much more than non-ADHD partners). You have to accept that you might not see all the change you want within the next few days or even years, and accept that that's okay so long as you can keep making progress of any sorts.
May Allah place in your relationship an unending love and acceptance for and with each other.
P.S. when something goes well, remember to congratulate yourselves and go on a date or something. Even indulging in chocolates together at home sounds rewarding enough :)
Thanks for writing this - it's good advice!
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Thanks for your insights on this issue - good advice.
Stress makes things much worse, and makes tempers flare. And the original poster has a lot of stress. But this response is correct - one of the issues here is that the two of you don't agree on some of the basics. So it may help you to step back and figure out what you do agree on. For example, you might be able to agree that it's desirable for your son to be in 'peak performance' and then have a conversation about that...including what leads to peak performance (more sleep, for one, as well as support at school...you see where I'm going with this.) Your husband might also have some ideas about this that make sense - being more relaxed, or less anxious might also lead to better performance - so how would that happen?
I frequently see that when non-ADHD partners decide to 'organize' things for kids, the other parent feels left out and, in response to that, ends up lacking interest in helping out. So,though it takes longer to back up and consider all points of view, it can be excelptionally helpful in getting both parents involved in the day-to-day.
I can relate
Submitted by jhammer70 on
I can really relate to the stress and frustration you are feeling. I often have a clear understanding of what needs to be done in our household and get a lot of push back and lack of support. I get a similar lack of concern for things I know need to be done, based on advice from professionals and physicians. My husband will often disagree with me, it seems just to be contrary, saying that I am over reacting. When he is home he is usually very absorbed in his phone, not aware of what time it is or prompting the kids to do homework or get ready for bed. On days that I am out in the evening I have to ask my oldest to manage the household because he completely looses track of time and pays no attention to the other living things in the house. He will not let the dog out or feed him, it is unbelievable. And when the advice is that we have to try to find a way to say things in a way that an ADHD person can handle it and be okay with waiting weeks or years for progress, I am sorry but this is leading me into a state of despair and hopelessness. It seems that at best, I can have a husband who behaves like a well trained child, sometimes. I am mad, sad, and lonely. I love my children and can accept that they are young and learning and it is my job to teach them. But a grown man, I am supposed to help him like a child, but not treat him like a child or make him feel bad... I think this is too much to ask