My fiance and I have known each other for 20 years and been dating for 3. He has always been a quiet guy.
He has told me that he has trouble focusing. He does alot of little projects to help with that.. model tanks, Star Wars stuff, converting VHS to DVD.
Its always something. He has said many times... I think I have ADD.
Its like something is wrong and he can't see to put his finger on it.
Based on what I read up on... I think there is some truth to it.
He goes through ups and downs emotionally. Sometimes he is very attentive to me and then sometimes very neglectful. I mostly feel like a project of his
that he hasn't completed sitting on his shelf.
In the 3 years he has broken things off with me and then when he is at a better spot has come back to me better. But a few months in... it backslides and things are not the same.
My point in all of of this.. could the undiagnoised ADD be making his emotions out of wack?
Any insight on this would be helpful.
Hi Woodenmeow,
Submitted by BigSurprise on
Hi Woodenmeow,
I'm glad you found this board.
Very often, both partners feel like something is wrong but can't put their finger on it. That was my case with my ADHD partner. The inconsistency is how it's often described; it seems to be the very core of a problem. Very attentive / very neglectful, in various doses, but rarely predictable. Emotions... wouldn't even know where to begin. It's like a whole new universe.
Undiagnosed ADD can (and always does) cause a whole range of marital/relationship issues. If you're worried your fiance might have ADHD, you should definitely try to learn more about it. Even a brief internet research might be helpful as the first step, just to get to know the subject better. Just do a quick study; the internet is full of helpful resources, and it might be useful to read some literature (of course Melissa's book comes highly recommended). I've found out it's very helpful to gather some essential knowledge, to know what you're looking for and determine whether he matches the basic symptoms. There's a very helpful video by Dr. Thomas E. Brown (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouZrZa5pLXk) that's basically ADHD 101.
Last but not least, you'll find many self-assesment ADHD forms all over the internet, like DIVA or Brown's scale (this, I believe, is no longer free). You may try completing them for yourself, based on your observation, or, if your BF is willing to participate, you may revise them together - they serve as a handy and very accurate list of symptoms.
However, you should remember the official diagnosis is determined by many factors, and the assessment should be done by a psychiatrist. There are a few other disorders that can manifest similar symptoms. So, if you find out your BF matches many of the symptoms, it's definitely worth seeking professional help to determine the underlying cause. Otherwise, you may do more harm than good trying to solve your issues, and definitely establish some unhealthy patterns that are hard to get rid of once they settle in.
Hope this helps.
Thank you so much. I feel
Submitted by Woodenmeow on
Thank you so much. I feel like things have been so erratic. Can I ask were things back and forth with your partner? WHen we get back together things are good but when get progressivly worse. ANd eventually I am sitting on his shelf so to speak. My Fiance was married before and he was very neglectful with her, she went out and found someone else and that pretty much ended things there.
I want to do all I can for him.
Erratic. That's one word that
Submitted by BigSurprise on
Erratic. That's one word that pretty much sums it all.
Not sure what exactly you mean by back and forth, but we're kind of sitting on the fence in every imaginable area of life. That happens a lot. And if we slide down on opposite sides, we come back together, and things are better as she focuses more on the relationship, but then I can see her attention gradually shift away, and we're back to where we started, which I can only describe as... something not clearly defined.
His precious relationship can also account for a better diagnosis, but as I said, that's a thing to discuss during a good therapy. Not that it's easy to find good therapy. I'm still looking. I have some idea what it should look like, but so far, that's only something I've read about in books.
More Examples
Submitted by Woodenmeow on
What I mean is back and forth is with emotions. This is what he said to me... maybe you can more sense of it.
"I feel such road blocks and walls when I try to commuinicate things. I don't know why that is but I have always been that way. I feel myself feeling insignificant and insecure when it comes to committing fully to a realtionship. It scares me and I don't know how to deal with it."
So he hits these tough parts and ends it. Its been a full year with no breaks until now. He wants to take the month of July to figure things out.
I think there are a few layers with him going on. Commitment issues and ADD. But I didn't think the two went hand and hand and now I am think both are working against each other. Making him feel all kinds of confusion.
He was married before and found other things on to focus on and she strayed. I think that didn't help his cause. But some of what went on in the marriage was from the ADD.
And that makes sense of coming back togther. When we get back together everything is new and great. And eventully his feelings go back to confusion. He says he knows he loves me but can't communicate his feelings and be more in the moment with me. He keeps sayin he knows what a successful relationship looks like but doesn't do anything about it.
I am hoping to have some info together for him so when we get back together that might make sense of things for him. In the meantime I am glad to have your advice and insight into things.
Woodenmeow,
Submitted by BigSurprise on
Woodenmeow,
What you say may be indicative of many disorders.
On the one hand, ADHD is a syndrome, which means there's no two people in the world who'd show exactly the same symptoms.
On the other, there's secondary psychological issues, like low-self esteem, and comorbidities, making the whole thing even more blurry.
I know I'm repeating myself, but, nevertheless - this is something that has many layers and multiple bottoms, and it's not possible to say anything for sure unless you know the people and their situation really well. And that's where therapy comes in.
Some reiterating issues, af far as I know, may include the need to self-stimulate (seeking "conflict" or the state of hightened tension), which could explain multiple break-ups or sudden u-turns. It's sort of involuntary and I've experienced it myself as the non partner. I've read one specialist, don't recall which, describe it as holding your breath - you can only do it for so long. But when the accumulated oxygen levels are depleted, your body will overcome your will and eventually draw that breath. Here, it's not about oxygen, but the stimulation the brain requires and the chemicals that are released when this happens.
The "good periods" could be interpreted as a reacquired hyperfocus. You sort of reset the relationship and it's new and fresh and he's interested in it for some time, before it starts fading. That's also something I can relate to.
Him saying he gets "the successful relationship" and that what he wants - I've heard that so many times. The truth is, with my spouse the idea seems very vague, and very stereotypical, but we're not able to achieve it, and I don't feel like she's really trying to. It's more like she expects me to magically make it happen.
So much for my experience. But again: what you're describing can be depression, OCD, and dozens of other things. Or a set of comorbidities.
My personal advice is that you to read more on ADHD and try finding professional help. I'm not saying it's universal; that's simply what I would do, being me and knowing no other way.
Oh, and be prepared there are no easy solutions. That's my inner realist speaking.
Still, I hope this helps.
Here's a list of symptoms...
Submitted by smd1409 on
Does a lot of it sound like your fiancé? Has it been ongoing since childhood and does it appear in more than one part of his life e.g. work, study, home, friends, family, you? If it does then have it checked and/or start reading up on solutions. ADD friendly ways to organise your life is a good book for organising his life but doesn't necessarily focus much on controlling his mood swings unfortunately. Couples guide to thriving with ADHD helps more on that side.
If he does have ADHD it's definitely worth learning about it because in all likelihood it's affecting his life and normal solutions won't cut it for him whatsoever. People with ADHD don't follow the same rules the average person does. For example, one notoriously annoying habit that we may have to deal with is the fact that the more we tell ourselves we need to do something because it's good for us, the more we'll go against it or procrastinate. It's incredibly annoying because I've been told all my life never give up, so I don't and I keep going at things until I get it right, and when you keep failing at the same thing over and over again with absolutely no signs of improvement for years and decades on end, it really destroys your self esteem. Then regularly being told by others you're not trying hard enough is like the nail in the coffin. I know now that in the majority of cases the rule I have to follow is 'give up now but try again shortly later'. It's like holding onto ice. The harder I hold onto it the more likely it will slip away from my hand. Just holding onto it gently is enough. It's not the same rule for other people with ADHD as it can vary between people but for me that's how I work and if you try to force me otherwise I will repeatedly and more likely fail at every part of life. And that's just for one symptom of my ADHD.
Sorta
Submitted by Woodenmeow on
Out of the list you shared. He only has like 3 of those. Not good organizing. His house is always a mess. At first I just thought it was him being a guy. Loses things from time to time.
But he always has a project. Sometimes he completes them and sometimes not. Depends how passionate he is about it.
He is a very quiet guy always has been. But I am starting to think that it is a way to mask some of the things he has going on internally.
Things that he hasn't even confided in me. Wish he would have.
He has verbalized at least on one hand "I think I have ADD". Don't know if he has googled symptoms or not. He knows something isn't right.
And he keeps having Mental roadblocks that are impeeding more aspects of his life, including us.
I do agree with the previous posts that he needs to talk to someone. I just don't know how you force an adult man to get help.?
I am grateful for all the insight on this.
About that project:
Submitted by BigSurprise on
About that project:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouZrZa5pLXk - watch from 04:00. I value Brown very highly, he's extremely accurate in describing symptoms and makes sure to repeat key points until they sink in. That's really helpful.
Internalization of emotional issues, that's something I deal with everyday with my ADHD SO. Being quiet - you withdraw from the judgmental world you don't feel is treating you fairly.
It's really great he verbalizes it and feels something is wrong. That's a good start. If that disturbs him, he'll be more willing to seek help. It opens the door for discussion and mutual understanding. The worst case, I think, is "let me do things my way, I've been always living like this and it's working for me".
So if he really feels this way, perhaps he just needs a little nudge, not really "forcing". You may find it helpful to make it about yourself: "There's some issues between us that I really feel are out of control. I know you've also noticed that. Sometimes I don't feel well and I think it might be good for me if we go to a therapy. Even if you don't feel like it, please do it for me. I feel it would really help me understand you better". If you phrase it like this, it may resonate with his internal feeling something is wrong, but this way you're not saying "I think there's something wrong with you", which he may read as "I think you're fucked up and need psychiatric care".
It's fragile.
So my advice is - be honest, but also make sure he understand YOU need this. Appeal to his compassion. Make him feel he's doing a good deed. Which it actually is, probably, since he's probably less bothered than you are. And not because he's a bad person. He just doesn't see things like you do. He might actually be relieved you're suggesting this.
Very Insightful
Submitted by Woodenmeow on
I really like the way you put it so I can present it to him. Right now we are not speaking, he is trying to figure things out in his head. Said that his heart isn't in it for anything to work. So I have kindly giving him space. And I am sure when he does come back he will have a little bit more clarity. At least that is what has happened in the past.
For the last few years I have learned that he thinks that he can work things out on his own. I asked him "how is that working out for you" he said not so good.
I am still trying to figure out if he taking all this time is a good sign or bad sign?
Thank you for your help...
Just remember it essentially is about you
Submitted by BigSurprise on
Still not sure it's ADHD. Might be some other issue. But for now, I don't think you need to be able to name it to start acting. You'll figure it out later. There's a symptom of SOMETHING, adn it's bothering you. You can name the symptom and try doing something about it, you don't need the whole diagnosis.
Just remember it essentially is about you. Relationships are only good as long as you feel loved and secure.
Like so many of us here, you probably feel your relationship is not working. It's hard to feel secure with someone who just separates himself when he pleases (well, needs to, wants to, likes to, potato/potaoh). I think it's conceivable there might be a person on Earth who actually finds this ok. Then I'd say - perfect match. Nothing to repair. But that's not the case.
You're here because you're not sure what it means, and it's not hard to see it's hurting you. He might not be doing it consciously. But if that's an issue, and I think it's quite serious, you need to address it somehow, otherwise it's gonna eat you alive. Imagine you're going through a hard period in life. You lost your job, or fell sick, or lost a close one. You expect support from your partner, but instead - he does THIS. Nail to the coffin.
I think it's safe to generalize and say everyone needs to feel they can rely on their partner. With him secluding away like that, it's not possible. That's bad for you. He needs to know that. It's an honest way to say this. It's about us. It's about how I feel in this relationship. And, indirectly, it's about him too - does he want to have a human wreck as a partner? Because that's what stress does to you if you extend it over years and decades.
About these doubts you're having, I think you're over-analyzing. I don't think it's either good or bad. It just is. He's acting on some need of his. Selfishly, but maybe he doesn't know that. Regardless... That's your reality. Question is, is it good or bad FOR YOU. If it's bad, then you can try to change it. But unless you try, you'll never know if it's possible. As long as there's strength, there's hope. Use that strength to try to change things that bother you, because it won't last forever. Eventually it'll be depleted by his behavior. So act now. And if you run out of strength in the process, then there's nothing more you can do, but at least you've tried. Then it's time to say goodbye, to save yourself.
Because even then, it's still essentially about you.
Thank you for the support
Submitted by Woodenmeow on
I am still not sure what is happening with him. I just think since he keeps bringin up ADD, I have to think there is something there.
I am for sure going to take what you mentioned I say to him about Us getting help and not make it about something wrong with just him.
The waiting to hear from him is the hard part. I understand that he needs his space but a whole month. Is her really thinking things over?
Three years of back and forth has really thrown me into a strange state.
I will let know when I hear from him.
Please let us know
Submitted by BigSurprise on
Wishing you well.
Well Yesterday was his
Submitted by Woodenmeow on
Well Yesterday was his birthday and I mailed him a card... I also sent him a text to wish him a Happy Birthday. He did response with a very platonic answer. So i really don't know where his head is at.
The frustrating thing is that his family knows that he has an issue and is doing nothing. They all walk on eggshells with him. Its very sad. I have to just wait to see if he wants to proceed with a relationship, then maybe I can help him.
I hate that he has to feel this way. I have just been praying.
Woodenmeow,
Submitted by BigSurprise on
Woodenmeow,
It's great that you care so much about him, and trust me, I know your pain. But, just to make yourself better, maybe you should make good with the fact:
a) that it's not your fault that he feels this way;
b) that there's nothing you can do to make him feel better;
c) that you'll never be able to guess what he thinks and it's no use trying. You're only hurting yourself if you try.
Sure, if you read on it and educate yourself, there's a sort of descriptive way to explain to yourself his symptoms. You can get some idea of how the brain works. It doesn't mean you'll ever be in his head. Just like you can't really guess the thought process on another non. It's like the endless conundrum: the color pink they see the same color you see? You know they are able to name red things. But maybe what they see is actually what you'd call yellow. And even is we assume we all see exactly the same, there's a difference in how each brain processes it. What you call fuchsia, the others may call magnolia.
Walking on eggshells... That's co-dependent behavior. I guess it's very typical for the family to blind themselves to what's actually happening. It's their way of coping. Whether it's about alcohol, drugs, gambling, videogames or whores, you'll often hear "what? no, not my boy", or "yes, he has some weakness... as we all. why are you so harsh."
They don't care by saying so they hurt his closest, and the guy himself, because they enable his unhealthy habits. That's just the way it works.
You actually don't have to wait and see what he wants. You're a free human being. It's different to wait in endless suspension, and to say: "Ok, I want to be with him and want to try to change him". If that's what you want, it's a brave, noble choice and I'm pretty sure everyone here will applaud and support you on every step you take. But it yours and yours alone, it needs to be made independently. Just don't condition your choices on his, because that's the road straight to hell.
I'm sorry for being so blunt and I really hope you don't feel offended. You see, I'm also co-dependent. My mindset pushes me into these patterns over and over again. But I've found out it really helps a great deal if I hear it like that, without beating around the bush. I need to work for my self-respect just as hard as I need to work for the respect of the others, and that's something that reminds me who I am.
I often ponder a lot about the Serenity Prayer, and need to remind myself constantly how true these words are for every occasion, every big decision:
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Hope you'll find your peace of heart, regardless of your decision. My thoughts are with you.
Not offended at all
Submitted by Woodenmeow on
Thank you for your input. I have been beating myself to many things. One starting this break from him. I only wanted a week and clearly he wants more. I have been through this with him a few times and it still hurts my heart everytime. Not sure how all of this is going to pan out. I keep praying that it will be ok, and part of me knows that the other part of me is scared that I might have to live my life without him. The way he keeps pushing and pulling no one would want to live in. And I hate to say it but I Think part of the reason his wife left is because of what he is doing now. Never 100% putting himself in emotionally. I think he has layers, ADHD with Depression and some emotional issues. You would think that by going thru this a few times already with him I would be condition to it but no. Everytime we get back together the stakes are higher. We have already reached the point of talking about Marriage. He wanted me to move in early this year but I said not until we are engaged. That put an issue on everything. Then he started with more projects and "tinkering" around the house. Acting more distant, not being able to focus. This emotional limbo has really taken it's toll on me. Thank you for your support on this. Venting helps me not feel as crazy.
Take care, Woodenmeow
Submitted by Chevron on
It's hard to be separate from someone you care about. Take kind care of you these days, OK, WM? Like you were your friend going through this. What would she need? Advice could come later, what kindness from you would you give her now? Do that kindness to you, maybe.
About the pulling toward then pushing away. Once when that had happened to me, with someone much earlier, not my husband, a friend thought over the description of the pull toward him, then push me away, and said, "I think he's afraid of what he wants with you." Not afraid of me. Of what he wanted with me. I dont know if that is useful to you or not. It helped me at the time.
Thank you Chevron
Submitted by Woodenmeow on
Yes that does make some sense. I think he has a few issues going on. ADHD, depression, fear of commitment. We have been doing this dance for 3 years and its getting tireing. It has to be for him too.
I think he is afraid of jumping in too but he has other issues on top of that making it even more difficult. Not sure what the outcome will be. He is one of those guys that doesn't go to the doctor. Thinks Orange Juice cures everything. I have mentioned to him that there are counselors that he can talk to online and he doesn't even have to go into an office, he said he would think about it but I doubt in the time away from each other he has done anything about it. I feel bad because he does't have to suffer like this. I just keep praying for him.
Thank you for your perspective.