Hi Everyone, I cannot tell you what a blessing it has been to stumble onto this site! I sat for hours reading the posts with tears running down my face. It was such a relief to know I was not alone in what I was experiencing. I met my DH 23 years ago when I was 21. He was a young fighter pilot in the USAF and I was an undergraduate student. Like most everyone, our courtship was wonderful. There were no real problems except a few personal things I noticed which I thought were odd. It was these very things that should have tipped me off to DH's ADD. Wrinkled clothes, lack of others needs, focus on his wants and desires..etc. It wasn't much, but I should have caught on. Being so young and naive I looked past these things and tried to concentrate on the good qualities he had. He was/is very intelligent, has a keen sense of humor, likes to do fun stuff, was successful at work( or so I thought). As with most ADD people, the hyperfocus was there and he was going places. The probelms didn't really start until we had kids. Everything in my life changed and seemingly nothing in his did. I took on all the responsibilities of wife and mother. Our first wasn't so hard it was the second that threw me for the loop. Not so much to do me in, but I thought since there were two kids now, Dh would pitch in more. Didn't happen. I managed fairly well without a lot of help. I was used to adding more to my plate. Dh was gone quite a bit so it actually helped keep things in order. I was able to keep things on schedule and the kids faired well under my guidance. When the third was born, it was chaos. Our third was a little more needy than our first two. She required more one on one, needing more attention, etc, (she is my adhd girl :)) my kids were all so little they helped entertain each other which was a blessing for me. They were 4, 2 1/2, newborn. Just like I wanted. I actually wanted 4 kids but the work got to be too much so I had to stop at 3. Let me say I feel so blessed to have my kids in my life, they are my saving grace and if I had never met Dh, I wouldn't have them. Now fast forward 10 years later... My son, my wonderful, thoughful, kind hearted, amazing, ADD son. He is so bright but struggles getting things in order for school. He does the work, but forgets to turn it in. His teachers love him because he's a great kid. They help him keep things in order as much as they can. He does get down on himself because he wants to do better and do it himself. He hates that he forgets stuff and thinks he stupid... I only wish I was as stupid as he is! I am working with a counselor to help address his needs so he won't get to the point my dh has. I wish I knew all of this 5-10 years ago. Things would have been so much easier! I am contemplating leaving my Dh. It has been so many years trying to parent him, and forgiving him for forgetting, being thoughtless, selfish, needy, I just don't know if I have it in me any more to go on with him. I feel it is better for our kids so I can teach them to be independent. If things stay the way they are they will not learn how to be independent. My feelings are this: Children learn by example..Dh counts on me for everything... laundry, cleaning, planning meals, grocery shopping, homework, appts., kids activities...etc.. The kids are learning to use me as Dh does... where is my.. when am I supposed to do that.... can you find.... what are we having for dinner, lunch...etc... is there any.....where is my homework... I'm sure this sounds familiar. I feel my Dh has taught our children to lean on someone else to figure things out for them. I am at fault for allowing it. I am learning to ignore requests so they learn responsibility and accountability. It is difficult at times but if I step in, I'm making it more difficult for them in the long run. I'm trying to undo what has been done. I don't know how long it will take, or if it will even work. I just feel in my heart that if things don't change they will be unhappy adults questioning everything about themselves. This is the last thing I want. I feel torn leaving my Dh as we have had some good years but if I stay I know things will not change and I cannot parent a 50 year old man. I have 3 kids who do need direction and guidance and the last thing they need is seeing an adult who is in essence, a child. What motivation is there for them to grow up and lead a life where they have to do things for themselves if they don't have to? I feel ADD has ruined my life.. I cannot let it ruin my kids life too. Sorry to go on... this has been years in the making..
mom2three
I have a story so similar to
Submitted by family on the mend on
I have a story so similar to yours, including the military beginning. It has a great ending though. We went for the fourth child. And it broke us. By the time the baby was a year old, I was ready to leave my husband. I told him that he needed to see a psychiatrist or immediately move out. He was dumbfounded and shocked and stunned by my doing this, because he was in such a fog, he didn't even realize that our marriage was in crisis; almost over. He saw an excellent doctor for therapy weekly for 18 months and also immediately went on Wellbutrin. My intervention took place nearly four years ago. Our life and marriage have completely turned around. He is responsible, attentive, a present husband and father for the first time. He was a really good person who was very trapped by AD/HD and depression also.
Have you considered medication or some therapy? If you'd like more details about our family, please post your email and I'll contact you. I have never written on any message board ever before. But your story is so similar to mine, I thought I'd reach out. Our life turned around and it's so great now. Two of our kids have AD/HD as well. Life is challenging, but the very hopeless days are behind us for good and we enjoy each other and are happy every single day.
thank you for taking the time
Submitted by happycamper13 on
thank you for taking the time to post this. it's really meaningful to me to read success stories. so many people are struggling that it's hard to tell if this could be worth it. i've been with my dh for almost six years and we have a precious one-year old girl (birthday today!). his behavior has been completely unacceptable, so a big turnaround is necessary and seems to be happening. i can't tell you how hard i've looked for encouragement that giving him a chance is the right thing to do for me and my daughter. here's one for the "hope" column!
There is still time for you..
Submitted by mom2three on
Happycamper...you are still young in your marriage. There is time..if you have hope and want things to work..do it now..please! Don't get to the point I'm at. This is not a fun place to be. I wish I had recognized the symptoms earlier and I would have acted then, but I didn't. Your aware so if you want your marriage to work, now is the time. We can help you.
Mom2three
Nice to know...
Submitted by mom2three on
Hi Marion, It does help to know I'm not alone. It's just a crazy situation to be in. I have so much to deal with the 3 kids I just don't think I can take any more. I think the hardest part has been the inconsistency in day to day living. The patterns that have been set have proven detrimental to our son with ADD. I'm getting him the help he needs so hopefully he won't develop the same self serving behavior. Also, after being with him this long I just don't see him changing, therapy or no therapy. I'm also not sure if he did change it would mean anything at this point. I have been asking for help for years only to get the reply that I'm neurotic about wanting things in order, kids in bed on time, turning tv down for homework..etc. It would be like he got to play as long as he wanted until he was ready to be a parent..I haven't had that option. I don't know if I'm at the point of no return.
I am very happy for you that you were able to make things right. It does give others hope that it can and does happen when the person is motivated to change. I'm a bit uncomfortable posting my email at this point.. but I would to like to continue communicating with you.:) Did you feel you just gave and gave and gave and he took advantage of it? That is sort of how I feel. I'm not ready to forgive, now that he can finally see the light... I feel I have devoted my whole life to his career and now that he's doing well and has more time he doesn't want to do the other stuff that I took on from day one.
I'm sorry to be so negative. Bad grades for my son, exams, and a sick kid have taken it's toll on me this week...
mom2three
I think the antidepressant
Submitted by family on the mend on
I think the antidepressant (Wellbutrin also has a stimulant in it to treat AD/HD) was the main catalyst for change. Though, he would not have learned how to behave and be a part of a marriage or family without the year and a half of weekly therapy. We also had to see a marriage counselor for a few months at the beginning. It took me a solid year after he started treatment to trust him, easily six months to even pay much attention to him after he began treatment. I was very damaged and hurt from the previous 15 years. Like your husband, mine was very career driven; a workaholic for sure. I was told that he was looking for approval in a concrete way; from his employer. His family was invisible to him. Hmmm. This is stirring up the old rage.
After my 'intervention', about 3 months passed where life remained very difficult. We spoke very little I think. During the next three months, I noticed that he was paying attention, coming home, engaging our children, initiating all sorts of time together with me, acknowledging and apologizing for the years of torture. I came to terms with the fact that I was to blame for tolerating his bad behavior for years without confronting him in a more productive way, or offering an ultimatum. I would make an effort to get his attention, get him to participate, be a parent. He would make a flimsy attempt and then go over the edge with the job again in no time. One year after the bottoming out, I think we were truly on a road to a better life. I am a forgiving person. We are both pretty kind, and the stable life continued and we are in a good place. I try not to look back and try to speak up immediately if needs are not being met on the part of anyone in the family. He has been 100% accountable for the entire past 4 years. I believe an excellent psychiatrist who advocated for our entire family coupled with a man who did not want to lose his family and THEN truly became motivated to change...and a stable, forgiving me, brought us here. At this point, we both know how to solve problems much better and life is good.
one more thing; We didn't
Submitted by family on the mend on
one more thing; We didn't even know that AD/HD was a huge problem until he got into therapy. I knew he was depressed, I knew something was very wrong with/about him, but, dang, I did not really have a name for it. One reason he worked so much is that it took him about 15 hours to complete an 8 hour work day. He also had a very bad sense of time management and would get himself in a hole promising and unable to produce in a time frame that he expected.
Family on the mend..
Submitted by mom2three on
That is funny you should mention antidepressants..after talking to the counselor she pointed out my husband has always had a tendency toward stimulants..which makes complete sense..I told him he had to quit using chewing tabacco after his father died of cancer and he did..it seems the stimulants kept him more focused and that is how he got away with it since it wasn't a "drug" and he could continue to fly. Hmmm... so interesting to see that connection now. I wish I had seen it then. Hindsight..lol
Right now he is into the organizing everything mode... more like putting things in a way so they are not clogging up the house.. The pattern isn't exactly helpful nor does it make any sense.. but I figure if it works for him I'm fine with it... execept he threw out some thing he didn't know what to do with since they didn't fit in the area he wanted..of course we'll have to go out and buy them again next year..also another pattern of his..If he can't find it he just goes out and buys a new one. It would save us more money if he would take care of things.. Our beautiful $1000 grill sits outside under the snow no protection, no nothing... it will last another 2 years at this rate... along side of the lawn mower and other outside machines.
He now wants to buy a boat even though there is nowhere to use one where we live...we have 3 kids to put in braces the next 3 years which is going to run $15, 000 and he's thinking of buying a boat? This is what I don't get... why is he not thinking about what our children need? He only thinks about what he wants and is teaching our children to do the same.
Anyway, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.. I hope I can find it in my heart to actually like him again. I really have no desire to be around him anymore...did you feel this way too? I'm so much better when he isn't around..I feel bogged down and suffocated when he is here.
mom2three
I did feel that way. When we
Submitted by family on the mend on
I did feel that way. When we decided to repair our very bad situation, we both had to take a look at how we got there. And I think we both had to begin living again in a way that we were nicer and more considerate of each other. We almost had to learn how to do it again. AND remember, a psychiatrist was telling him weekly, that he almost lost his family to depression and ADHD, both untreated and that he had to treat us better and be a part of the family, or it was over. So at the beginning, he was the one making a lot of the effort of being more considerate, more aware, more involved. This went on for 3-6 months, where he continually made pretty big efforts to REcommit himself to our family. I was still pretty cold and exhausted at that point. Then after about 4-6 months, I started to believe that he was actually changing his patterns AND additionally, the medicine was working really well.
At the same time that he went into therapy, I started to read and research about how I got into this mess. How did I let things get so far gone? How did I play a part in the downfall? I really examined myself close up and tried to change the misguided habits that got me into the very vulnerable, almost divorced state. I tended to be very tough, not ask for what I needed, supportive to a fault, and go silent when angry, rather than explain what was making me mad. I read a lot about setting boundaries, assertiveness. And then I started to use what I read: speaking up for myself, saying NO when I wanted to say no, stating what I needed instead of just brooding when my needs were unmet. My life improved not only with my husband, but with everyone.
So, after about 4-6 months of a lot of work on both our parts, and medication for him; we started to see each other as the kind people that we were underneath that horrible mess that we were in. We both tried really hard to be kind to each other from then onward. We both have set backs where we fall into the old habits and need to realize it and stop. We both wanted the same thing: a marriage to each other where we put each other first. Well, he didn't want that until he hit rock bottom. But with the therapy and Wellbutrin, he got his priorities lined up with mine. I can backslide and get angry about the past, but I try really hard to stop it when it starts. We can't change the past. But everyday we can choose to be kind and supportive. But TWO have to be in that agreement. Not just one. I'm so sorry for your trouble. See if you can dig deep and find the professional support to pull you (both) on track one more time, for good. It's very hard work. Was it worth it? For sure. We are both better people for it, better mates, better parents. He's got to be willing to get honest and get the right, intense help he needs. And I guess you need to consider what you've done to contribute to the mess. It's often in the form of tolerating the bad behavior I guess. It's hard to admit, but both parties contribute to problems in a marriage, even if one has a HUGE issue like mine did. Good counselors teach this to couples and work to repair the problems and the family. I really, really hope you can both give it one more serious attempt at repair. I also would understand if you are DONE. We each have to decide for ourselves how much we can take, how much we can invest...I will be rooting for you. ps I changed my name on the site as you see, because I was revealing so much personal info that I just wanted to distance myself a little...
you described me
Submitted by brendab on
I really examined myself close up and tried to change the misguided habits that got me into the very vulnerable, almost divorced state. I tended to be very tough, not ask for what I needed, supportive to a fault, and go silent when angry, rather than explain what was making me mad. I read a lot about setting boundaries, assertiveness. And then I started to use what I read: speaking up for myself, saying NO when I wanted to say no, stating what I needed instead of just brooding when my needs were unmet.
Family on the Mend,
You have perfectly described how I was before divorce. I expressed myself for 15 years and then gave up and went silent. When that happened I knew that the marriage was over even though I stayed to raise the kids.
I think that you are so right that it takes two people who really want to self-examine to make lasting change.
brenda
Things are better for now...
Submitted by mom2three on
Sorry I haven't been back sooner. Dh is gone and I'm pulling all the weight. The kids have been pitching in as well. I feel exhausted doing all this, I don't know how single parents do it. I think you are absolutely right, it takes 2 to cause problems. I do see how I enabled him to get away with not doing his part which left me angry and resentful. I now speak my mind and let him know the kids are learning from both of us. Inaction is a learned behavior. That will take time to change and I know he has to want to change. Right now he still does what he wants at his leasure. I am the responsible one who makes sure all committments are met not only as a parent but as a family. I honestly don't expect him to change..why should he..I put up with it....Oh well... at least I don't have to deal with his lack of pitching in right now... off to the movies with the kids...
I'm proud of you!! You are
Submitted by family on the mend on
I'm proud of you!! You are seeing things clearly and not wasting time. And you are really brave. I hope you can find the resolve to do what is best for you and your children. Take life one day at a time and focus on your and your children's needs and making yourself a better and more mature person. It will help you in all things in life. Maybe he will wake up and see what he is losing and finally make the effort needed. Simple things like getting plenty of sleep and exercising, eating right will help you tremendously. Please stay in contact. Thank you for the update. I hope you can find peace and I'm sorry for your hard times.