My SO of 18 years has just been diagnosed as ADHD. He was diagnosed because I asked for a divorce after many years of thinking about it after having discovered his online porn addiction. He says he wants to fix us but I think I'm too far gone. I'm reading the adhd effect in marriage and almost all of it is familiar but I just don't care. I would like to be supportive while he repairs his relationships with the kids but I really don't feel like there is an us to fix.
I don't nag, I don't parent I simply don't interact. Years of being living with him being reliably unreliable and his false memories have driven me over the edge. I've been disconnected for years, just trying to maintain some semblance of family. That being said I have always been the one to say I love you, and I do, but when you get nothing back it is difficult to maintain. I have overcompensated to the point where I am the slave, I can have no life despite the fact that I have a professional career - no life in that it is work, kids and then everything else. He sails in to eat, sleep and have his washing done all the while being surprised and angry that I feel lonely. To make things more complicated we live in his country not mine so leaving is even more difficult than usual.
The discovery of the porn addiction just made everything worse. Any hope was dashed right there. I am almost certain that I can never have sex with him again. I can't compete with the ever youthful ever ready no strings porn chic, nor do I want to. So I am feeling completely done.
Advice would be welcome.
Thanks
I feel the same way. I
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I feel the same way. I maintained the home and the family and he showed up to meals and a clean house and laundry done. The use of the dating and other sites did me in. It's all about actions. I can see by his actions what he prefers and it is not me. I can't be intimate with him anymore, all I see is those images. We're cordial enough these days. However, after feeling like the slave who is presumed to have no life or feelings of her own and then the betrayals., not just this, it's enough. I am disconnected as well. We are preparing our house for sale and I am getting paperwork finalized.
I understand.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
My ex (he was likely undiagnosed ADD) had issues with this as well. Mostly photos and magazines. It didn't really notice when we were only just dating, likely because we only saw each other now and then, but it came up regularly after we were a committed couple and it started to bother me so I had to address it.
I notice attractive people on the street occasionally and we all have our celebrity crushes but he had a bunch of x-rated sites that he would visit, as well as magazines around the house and some Facebook pages. I never found dating sites but he did have questionable friendships with female coworkers. (He had also cheated on his wife, I found out later)
When I tried to speak to him about my concerns, he blew up at me right out of the gate, despite me approaching it calmly and openly. He snapped at me right away with "WHAT?!! I'm not doing anything!! It's just pictures!!" without even stopping to hear or consider anything I was saying. He did the same thing when I asked about a "friendship" with a woman at his office who was texting him late at night. "WHAT?! Can't I be close to my friends?!?!" I was like.. whoa. WTF. Then, as was also his pattern, he would apologize and try to make up.
Several weeks later he was sitting next to me at dinner with friends and he scrolled by a photo on his phone of some girl posing in lingerie. I waited until we left dinner and I tried to address it again. Instead of being able to talk about it he just screamed "NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN" at me, got in his car and drove off. Another time he screamed at me that I might as well castrate him. He also started blaming me by accusing me of being insecure and that I was trying to "pin my issues on him". I wasn't insecure before this started happening, but I was rapidly becoming so and his explosions did not help. I even started having anxiety attacks when there was any sort of sexualized nudity in a movie or on television or just walking by a Victoria's Secret store in the mall.
His blow ups became an ongoing pattern around just about everything... but this topic was particularly harmful. We had enjoyed a fairly satisfying sex life but over time it became very difficult for me to be intimate because of the effect this all had on my self worth and the way that he reacted to me when I tried to discuss it. As always, he would apologize but it had begun not to matter. Half the time he would add a "but you said this..." or "but you shouldn't have done xyz" to the end of an apology and another blowout would just happen again anyway.
We couldn't even get anywhere on it in couples therapy. He would deflect, blame and blow up even in session. Eventually after many horrible fights, he said he stopped his behaviors. I didn't see any photos pop up on his phone or laptop anymore but he never did throw out the magazines laying around his house or delete the Facebook pages and he still tried to get around other things in certain ways. Unfortunately it didn't really help because it was such a damn fight to even get to that point and he only stopped under duress. At one point he told me he still wanted to look anyway. I was like, gee thanks...
There were other problems I wrote about in a previous post but this was a big part of what ended up destroying our relationship.
So I totally understand those feelings of revulsion and resentment. Although we weren't married, I did fill somewhat of a step-parental role toward his children and grandchild, took care of family obligations, cooked our meals, helped with his problems with work, or whatever he needed ... and yet he could never seem to take me into consideration when it came to things that were hurtful or take real action on the things he said he would do in order to help us. This still makes me angry and sad even after the fact. I can only imagine how those who are married and/or together longer than in my case would feel.
I don't know if medication and therapy would have helped him or saved us, and I don't have any great words of wisdom but I wanted to say that I get it and I support you. Whatever you decide, the bottom line is that you deserve love and honesty and honor and respect. You deserve to have your needs met and to be listened to. You deserve a partner and a friend. You deserve to be cherished and adored. We all do.
it's not you Milly....
Submitted by c ur self on
There are just people who can't connect in a way where life isn't about themselves....It's a very lonely road for those of us who just would love a real relationship....I just watched the movie (Holiday) one of my favorites...There isn't a bad scene in it...The girl from England (classic enabler who was being used like a door mate....But finally woke up...I love that scene!.....reminded me of how it is to live w/ someone like my wife....
We can never allow ourselves to not believe in the wonder of a beautiful and loving marriage relationship....One where we prefer one another, one where we feel 10 feet tall, just walking and holding hands...One where we are fully content just being together.......It's real.....
Your H's statement about fixing US....Is a victim statement....It's a statement made by a blind man.....There can be no us, until he fix's himself.....
I'm not attempting to tell you what to do, but, I finally got to the point you seem to be saying you are at about 7 or 8 months ago....And about 3 or 4 months ago....I just asked her to leave...I told her I love you more now than I ever have, but, my love want save you....If you don't appreciate, love, and embrace your role as a wife, then you will never be one....
Blessings
C
Ditto
Submitted by GotSoul on
I see that your post is nearly a month old, so how/what have you been doing? 6 years our marriage my ADHD husband's sex addiction came to surface and it was bad...really bad. We had small kids so I decided to stay. He dove in to a 12 step program and we also did couples counseling. I learned that ADHD and sex addiction offer go hand in hand due to the constant need for stimulation and lack of impulse control. I have no reason to believe that he's still having sex addiction problem but it's like whack-a-mole... he had to replace that stimulus for another so now he's pouring himself into his business, working 70ish hours/week and incurring a bunch of debt, pouring himself into hobbies, comfort eating/drinking, and having angry outburts and justifying everything with excuses. It feels hopeless that we'll ever have a functional relationship and the thought of leaving sounds so "freeing" but with 4 small kids, one having ADHD as well, I don't think I can do it as a single mom so I'm desperately seeking advice as well on how to stay with someone like this without feeling hopeless