Arg. I'm trying to be open with my individual counselor, but he seems really fixated on the idea that I (and all of the tests my husband has taken and doctors he's seen) have missed the diagnosis. He doesn't believe that the spectrum of behavior displayed by my partner is due to ADHD. When I tell him that I'm very active in research and on this website, and that his case and behaviors are largelyl textbook, he tells me to be careful what I read. He doesn't think things like making excuses or starting projects and not finishing them are ADHD behaviors...and he treats ADD and ADHD patients. He doesn't believe that impulse control can be attributed to ADHD either. He harps a lot on "personality disorder" and tries to get me to buy into a "narcissistic personality disorder" diagnosis or straight substance abuse problem. I've read and studied about NPD and it just doesn't fit. Also, while I recognize that my partner's issues with substance abuse need addressing, they are not chronic and I see them as adaptive behaviors more than the root cause of his issues. By the way, my therapist has never met my husband and has seen me 4 times.
While I am totally open to the fact that my dh may have more than one problem, and I'm willing to entertain the opinions of his doctors and others, I am getting really frustrated. I think he's afraid I'm going to excuse everything by attributing it to ADHD, so he's spending, in my opinion, too much time trying to get me to reconsider my husband's condition...I kind of feel like he's not in favor of us ending up together, and feels that my husband is pathologically choosing to behave the way he is and has been.
Do you think there is a way to address this or do I have to "break up with my therapist"? He thinks he knows what he needs to about ADHD, but isn't familiar with this site or lots of the commonalities we share here. With the "be careful what you read" advice, I don't feel like he's terribly receptive to our opinions or experiences. Thoughts? Advice?
To HappyCamper: Therapist Frustration
Submitted by FabTemp on
I would say that if you're really uncomfortable with this therapist, then you should switch. Regardless of what your husband's problem is, you want a therapist you feel you can trust.
However, if you are comfortable with this therapist except for this one issue, then maybe you can switch your focus in your sessions. My therapist doesn't dismiss ADHD in my husband, but he most certainly believes that far more of my husband's behaviors are connected to his emotional issues. I decided that it actually doesn't matter. I'm there for my depression and my learned worldview. Granted my husband's ADHD and his refusal to get into his own emotional and psychological issues are throwing more weight on me to work through. I realized though, that I have to work around all of that no matter what it is.
So, in my sessions, I try not to waste much time on whatever it is that is leading my husband to destroy and sabotage as much as he does. I try to work on my reaction to it and my plans for the future. There was a reason I got myself into this mess in the first place and that was a history of being conditioned to accept responsibility from others. (My mother probably has a form of attention deficit disorder. She accepts responsibility for nothing.) In my particular case, I have a long term plan for myself and my son. So, I just focus on issues that are stopping me from achieving steps in that plan when those obstacles are coming from me.
Because when it comes down to it, the effects of your husband's behavior are the same on you no matter which it is: ADHD or narcississtic personality traits. The main difference between the two lies entirely within his head in what he knows to be his intents. But on the outside, you have to live the same life of constant impositions of his priorities and his wants. What you need in either case is a set of strong boundaries so that you can get on with your life. Your husband's "intents" are irrelevant when it comes to wasting the days and hours of your life.
It's hard, of course. Because you have to live with constant interruption, constant sabotage and constant frustration. It's still really all about what plans you will form and carry out in response.
Watch and wait, I'll try another appt or two
Submitted by happycamper13 on
I appreciate the support. I'm trying to follow the same path you did...we'll see how successful I can be at steering him away from my husband's problems. It's been difficult so far. If I make a casual reference to ADHD behaviors or anything, he'll redirect the conversation as though its very important for me to attribute the behavior correctly. This early in the recovery game, I really don't care what causes my spouse's behavior, I want to focus on how and why I end up in these types of relationships and what I can do to establish strong, healthy boundaries. I don't think I can decide if I want to try and save this marriage until I find out what need I'm fulfilling by choosing this type of relationship, and what's left over when I weed out the co-dependency.
Thanks again, it means so much to know someone is reading....and providing me a little strength when I question my judgement.