Looking back, I think that our sex life started deteriorating once my wife stop using oral contraceptives and we switched to only using condoms. No, not because I don't like condoms.
There appears to be a lot of research out there that suggests women on hormonal birth control tend to be more attracted to "team players" who may have "less masculine" features, while women not on hormonal birth control are more likely to be attracted to "rugged masculine males"--and the negative baggage that society's conception of "masculine" brings, such as being less like to do his share of the chores and more likely to cheat.
Well, I am certainly a team player. I do more than my share of the housework. I have been dependable even when my wife hasn't reciprocated. I have not acted on any attraction I felt towards other women--though my wife has expressed jealousy. (For example, when I was having lunch with a female colleague while I was out of the country doing doctoral research while she later admitted that she kissed other guys and went out dancing.)
And I have always been "less masculine"--often the reason why I was beat up in school, for example. I have seen not buying into machismo as one of my assets.
In 2004, almost two years after our son was born, I got a really bad prostate infection. The doctors asked me when was the last time I had intercourse. I couldn't remember. As our son got older and more mobile, my wife used privacy as an excuse to avoid sex--he is still awake! Then we had our daughter in 2008. More of the privacy excuse. Then more of the oh I forgot, oh I am too tired excuses (the ADHD factor kicking in.) I have been waiting and hoping for things to bounce back. Maybe they never will?
About 2 years ago, I think, we were having so little sex--she kept making promises that went unfilled--that I asked her if she really wanted monogamous relationship. She accused me of "threatening" her if she did not "perform" her "wifely duties." Yes, she actually said, "wifely duties." Gee, that made me feel attractive.
Monogamy does not mean celibacy. My agreement to not have sex with any other than her is dependent on actually having sex with her.
I have been feeling more compelled to cheat, and my therapist has subtlety encouraged me do so. (FYI, my therapist is a woman and she has directly observed how my wife and I interact.) I haven't for three main reasons.
1) My integrity--I am an honest person. I keep my promises. I stand by people. I don't want to see myself as dishonest.
2) If I did, my wife would become extremely jealous and not allow me to engage in the volunteer work that I do, which is very important to me. She would assume every time I traveled to do volunteer work that I was having sex and therefore I should not go.
3) I honestly don't have the time for an affair! I would have to give up something else that is important to me, such as the volunteer work.
I guess I also afraid of things like having to explain embarrassing medical problems, not knowing how to date (I was never good at it in the first place), etc. Looking back, I also had a tendency to become too invested in a relationship too quickly. I am afraid of that happening again.
Not sure.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I have been on oral contraceptives off and on my entire life and did not notice any differences in who I was attracted to. Any and all side effects of the pill, for me, were physical or mood related. Particularly as I got older. Shortly after I turned 40 I started having a lot of trouble with cystic acne and migraines with aura (aka optical or ocular migraines). My doctor and I adjusted the type of pill that I was taking but the problems remained. Because of that, and since I am no longer in a relationship or dating anyone at this time, I decided to stop the pill completely and there's been no change in my sex drive or anything else.. only that the migraines stopped and the acne cleared up.
So, while I can only speak from my own experience with as a non-ADD woman, I hope that's helpful.
BowlofPetunias, the lack of sex
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I just read this, because I've been pretty busy and haven't spent much time here on the site, but had to comment on this issue.
I don't know whether or not the birth control pill has much to do with your wife's issue of not desiring sex, but I do know that MANY folks with ADHD can have a much lower sex drive than "nons". Of course there is also the opposite where they desire " more", but I think the "lesser" drive is more common. My husband is this way also. I have written on this often. Its a very hard issue to deal with, when your spouse continues to make random excuses for their "not" wanting to have sex with you, and also not being honest about it, or being honest about themselves in general. It seems like the denial of how much their ADHD symptoms and its effects on them AND us is too overwhelming for them, so they don't want to face it. And, so they don't. I watched my husband make excuses and "rationalize" all kinds of bizarre behaviors, responses, attitudes, etc., but especially deny any "inabilities" to do what most other folk find quite easy and "normal". Many spouses here have claimed its like living with an eternal 3 year old, when their husbands/wives can't seem to emotionally grow past a certain point. I can understand that one also.
It can make us feel very unloved, unwanted, undesirable, and unappreciated. This forum is filled with spouses of people who have ADHD, who are still in denial of their condition, and/or only get minimal treatment. If we DIDNT want help,we wouldn't BE here, but sad to say MANY more spouses than actual ADHD persons are on this site. (And many other sites, not just this one)
Dr. Russell Barkely on YouTube has some great videos about ADHD and what it does to the person AND to relationships. You might want to check him out.
In my marriage, my husband simply ended up refusing to deal with our NON sexual marriage, and left it at that. Wouldn't talk about it, didn't want to deal with the emotional and hurtful rejection I felt from it, or anything. I had to just " suck it up" , in other words, and pretend it didn't matter. Even when he KNEW it did. They can be experts at avoidance of important issues. Of course we all can at times, but denial is a hard thing to get through, with them, and I think they USE the denial for self protection at times. Its NOT good in a marriage situation.