how many of you feel rejected and ostracized out of your own marriage by your ADHD spouse. “Ostracized” is always the word that has come to my mind when I think of my relationship with my husband. The pain and the damage is very real. This is an excerpt from the Ostracism Awareness website. It perfectly describes me and my reality.
“Recovering from severe ostracism can be a challenge, because it affects a person on so many different levels. It impairs four basic human needs: belonging, control, self-esteem, and meaningful existence. It dramatically raises anxiety levels and causes depression and despondency. Physical pain often accompanies severe ostracism, since the part of the brain handling pain management is activated. When prolonged, ostracism causes many people to withdraw from social connection and activities that they previously enjoyed. Ostracized people feel isolated and lonely. They often become less active physically and emotionally. Meanwhile, the depth and the gravity of ostracism symptoms are usually not understood. There is a tendency to minimize and invalidate the pain of people experiencing ostracism. Occasionally, some ostracized people will act out in inappropriate ways to try to get those ostracizing them to notice them in any way they can, since even negative attention feels better than no attention. In the most extreme cases ostracism can lead to violence or suicide.“
Different word, but same
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Different word, but same feelings, I think: I felt shunned by my ex and his family. It was very painful, somewhat less so now that we've been divorced for more than a year.
Definitely.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
My ex's stonewalling and silent treatment behavior was always the "punishment" whenever I brought up an issue that he did not want to deal with. For example: the lack of any action around his divorce or taking care of his financial problems.
It did not matter how nicely I tried to approach it. If he couldn't get me to back off by giving me vague answers and telling me he was "working on it", he would escalate it into a nasty argument full of blame-shifting and spite, and if I still didn't back down then it would lead to him storming off and refusing to communicate at all for days or weeks. He was combative and uncooperative every single time. Right to the bitter end.
One day he would shower me with affection and tell me how much he adored me and wanted a life together with me and the next he would scream in my face, tell me how horrible I was and walk out on me... leaving me a complete emotional wreck. It was cruel and abusive.
I can relate to the part about the person feeling ostracized acting out as well. The dynamic with my ex brought out terribly unhealthy behaviors in me because I just could not make any progress or get my needs met at all.
Having the person who is supposed to be your best friend and who is supposed to love, respect and cherish you... turn their back on you and withhold things (be it affection, progress, communication, what have you...) or otherwise harm you like that, is hugely damaging. I've had to work very hard to keep telling myself it wasn't my fault even though I've been away from him for a year. It really messed with my head. If I was still in it I'm not sure how I would have continued to cope.
Stonewalling
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You mignt be interested in learning a bit more about John Gottman's "Four horsemen of the Apocolypse' - these are relationship behaviors that are most likely to destroy a relationship. They include stonewalling, which is what you are describing (in part) here. Further, the rejection he is punishing you with (for when he walks away and doesn't come back that IS a form of punishment wielded to give him more power and bring you to your knees) is truly destructive.
I would caution you to think more carefully about your logic about blame. You don't want him to blame you for his behaviors....yet you also say "The dynamic with my ex brought out terribly unhealthy behaviors in me because I just could not make any progress or get my needs met at all" i.e. you blame him for your own behaviors. I point this out not be be mean at all, but to encourage you to adopt a posture which doesn't include blame, but rather self refleciton about what you might do better next time.
There is much to learn from failed relationships. I hope that the pain you've experienced has helped you identify that any WHIFF of 'rejection punishment' or ostracizing is a reason to run the other direction next time around.
I'm familiar..
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I'm familiar with the four horseman. I don't feel that I have blamed him for my own behavior, nor does my therapist. Perhaps it was unclear, but I was commenting on the unhealthy dynamic (manner of interaction) that existed between us. Two people.
And no.. I will never be allowing that kind abusive behavior toward me again, from anyone.
Edited to add: Your statement here: "I point this out not be be mean at all, but to encourage you to adopt a posture which doesn't include blame, but rather self refleciton about what you might do better next time" and your use of the phrase... do better next time... in particular... seems to imply that I was not doing the best I possibly could at the time or that I somehow failed. I hope that is not your intention.
Excellent advice Melissa!
Submitted by c ur self on
(I hope that the pain you've experienced has helped you identify that any WHIFF of 'rejection punishment' or ostracizing is a reason to run the other direction next time around.)
This is awesome advice, that I can testify to...A person who chooses to act in this fashion (control or manipulation attempt, OR, even if it's just selfishness and unconcern) can negatively impact their spouse's emotions, **ONLY** if their spouse see's themselves as some kind of a victim...
For several years I didn't do well (understatement, lol ) with selfish and independent living, decision making and rebellion. Until one day I decided all my anger, bitterness and all my pointing it out, was what was producing all of my misery...It was indeed self inflicted!!!...I was living responsibly and faithfully to her... I was doing the work in our marriage...And for the most part I was a calm thankful person when I met her....So what happened?
I was persecuting myself trying to change another human, along with the enabling...WOW....I was 51, I can't blame my Wife for my misery....So back to ownership, and back to living! That living may not be what I had in mind for the two of us...**But**... it's what is possible for peace and sanity to be the special of the day!
It's amazing how much people (people that know us) truly do understand...If our adult children or close friends hear me say she's out of town or hear me talking about being at the beach alone....They don't say much...They may not live that way, and they hate it for me...But they understand....
C
Melissa--question
Submitted by dvance on
Melissa, I have to ask...if you read here for any length of time, most of us have been doing our best for many years with either no help from our "partner" or negative help (actively undermining or doing the opposite of what has been decided). How would you suggest the non-ADHD person do better when most of us are raising the kids despite our partner's sabotage, managing the money despite our partner's reckless spending or lack of adequate employment, doing the chores despite our partner's messes and unfinished projects and forgotten help, trying to have friends and a social life despite how embarrassing or unwilling to participate our partners are. At what point do THEY have to assume responsibility OR at what point do WE stop giving our best because our best literally changes nothing? After 22 years of marriage, raising kids around and despite my husband, managing money despite his irresponsibility, learning to not count on anything he says because there is so little follow through, managing plans, holidays, gifts, appointments, schedules because DH won't use the family google calendar (I suspect he doesn't know how because when I offered to show him he said he knew but every time he claims to have posted something it does not appear), what posture would you have me adopt? Currently we cannot split because of finances so my posture is one of detachment. We do not talk on the phone when he travels on business and when he is home I make my own plans and do my own thing. Half of what goes on in our home/family he has no idea. He recalls conversations and information inconsistently, so I quit telling him stuff. How is that a satisfying life? For me, it's not. I have been lonely for the past 6 years and I have no options right now. I am all out of self reflection. We have done YEARS of therapy, separately and together and still nothing changes. I had a glimmer of hope but alas--I was mistaken. DH has been living in Houston since Sept 1 because his company sent him down there to deal with the flooded properties. He will likely be there until March. We both actually said this was a good time to see what being apart is like and get our feet under us to make some decisions. We have to move in June (lease is up, owners renovating the building so not renewing any leases) and we don't know yet if we are renting one apartment or two. But, and here's where the hope went away, he is just as undermining even four states away. Example: the 16 year old junior has school work (what junior in HS doesn't) and yet DH plays endless hours of video games with him online (there is a way for both people to play the same game even many states away-news to me!). So I text DH while they are playing and say, listen the child has calculus homework/a physics lab to write up/latin homework/whatever can you perhaps not be playing video games right now. And DH will say to the child (they are both on speaker phone while playing the game), he will say "mom just texted me that you have work to do so we can't play now." So thanks for making me the bad guy. Now, you may ask-what if DH didn't know the child had homework? Well, we both get email updates from his teachers (google classroom is a beautiful thing) and he has the same access as I do to the online grading/homework system. I have asked DH on many many occasions to not frame things that way, that "mom would like to you..." and it keeps happening. If I point it out, he says he forgot or didn't realize it was supposed to be a secret. He doesn't understand the subtly of these interactions and how to frame it in a way that is supportive. What am I supposed to do with that? Further, DH has never held a job for more than 3-4 years. And like clockwork, we are coming up on three years and lo and behold...he is getting bored and restless, saying things like "no one in this company knows what's going on", or "I am the only one who knows anything", grandiose stuff like that, all completely inaccurate-he works for a big national company that was doing quite well for many years before he came along and likely will do quite well when he leaves. As always, the timing for him to want a new job stinks--moving in June, one child starting college in the fall, the second the next year. Gainful, steady employment would be desirable.
So, Melissa-I often do not agree with your postings here, and this time I am very eager to hear how many of us are supposed to "do better next time" when there is a "next time" pretty much daily. I for one am so bone weary, so exhausted, spent, wrung out and on edge from 22 years of this. DH won't take meds, but I do. How messed up is it that I have to take anti-anxiety meds to deal with him but he doesn't have to take meds to make himself more livable?? I am out of "doing better next time" and have adopted a policy of detachment, expecting nothing emotionally or physically from DH and pretty much saying whatever I please because it doesn't matter if I speak kindly or get angry. There are inconsistent results either way.
Mom Just Texted Me
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
With the Mom Just Texted Me comment...first, it's accurate. Second, he's throwing you under the bus in an effort to make a further connection with your son - as in 'Mom is so controlling..." Not cool, but if he feels resentment, which his behavior towards you suggests he does, that's the kind of s#7t you are going to get from him.
I know that folks at this site are working really hard, and have been doing so for years. That's part of the frustration - living with the immovable object. Your husband is in denial about the impact of his ADHD and his need to do something about it - that leaves you with three bad choices - give in and go along with it which leads inevitably to anger and resentment (you're doing this one) or 2.) fight back (you may be doing this one, don't know) which makes the other person wish to fight more - so not sustainable or 3.) leave. The only other option is for him to change his approach and join you in the work to repair the relationship. Which means you are going to feel resentfull and angry as long as you stay in this situation - not healthy for you, nor for your family. I suspect you know this, and I think you have written h ere that if it weren't for the financial situation you would have already left (at least that's what I'm reading between the lines.) Living apart, if you can continue to swing it, sounds like the next best thing.
I continue to exhort people to try to contribute their best self because I do observe (and I am NOT saying this is your case) that sometimes that 'trying for years' is in a direction that can be self-defeating. Parent/child, for example, is in that category. Trying to control an adult who isn't interested in that is a losing battle. It puts the other partner into "I don't have to obey you" mode. Parent/child dynamics just don't work. You can't control your partner, no matter how much you want to. Sounds as if you have that figured out, however. So your approach - to do your own thing and take care of yourself makes sense.
I encourage you to really see how well you do with the living apart. That might be your best option, provided he stays employed. Yep, it sucks that he is undermining you as he does, or at least scoring points against you because he's peeved he has to stop playing games with his son - but you know how to 'fight back' on that one - be the great mom you are, and that plan will backfire as your son will see what his dad is saying is out of synch with what your son is experiencing.
BTW, you ask the question "how messed up is it that I take meds but he doesn't have to..." You are right - he doesn't have to. In fact, you don't have to, either. But you choose to because, unlike him, you wish to take better care of yourself. But (and this is going to be a very unpopular thing for me to say) your staying with a partner who simply isn't willing to respond to the obvious needs of you and the relationship is on you, not him. It is your choice to stay, and you might have great reasons (financial, kids, etc.) If you really, truly are trapped by money, then what you are doing is the best you can do. But if you aren't, then it might be time for you to take the next step in taking care of yourself and get separated. The stress and anxiety you are under are shortening your life. Literally.
I don't - EVER - suggest that couples stay together once they've determined that they cannot create a relationship they both love.
I think I understand about the meds
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
Melissa, I think I get what you're saying, but I also think that you haven't spoken to the full impact of the "how messed up is it..." I don't think that the original poster is complaining about the fact that she takes meds because she wishes to take care of herself. I think she is complaining about the fact that, if her husband were willing to work on his ADHD issues, she would not need to take meds. Her need for these meds is not due to a neutral desire to take care of herself, but due to the many unusual stresses she faces as the wife of someone with untreated ADHD.
Yes, but...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Yes, but her husband faces the same pressures - it sucks to live with untreated ADHD. Even if you are the person who has it. So, yes, she is taking the meds because her life situation isn't ideal and she needs the support. He, on the other hand, is NOT taking the meds even though his life situation isn't ideal and he needs the support.
That was my point.
Melissa
I disagree that that my DH
Submitted by dvance on
I disagree that that my DH faces the same pressures and in his case I don't think it particularly sucks for him to live with his untreated ADHD. Over the past several years, since he has quit taking meds, I have asked him on different occasions if he thought he would be more efficient if he was on meds or if he could see a difference on them vs off and he has said he doesn't mind if it takes him longer to do things because it gets done eventually and he really doesn't see a difference. I think his ADHD makes him see the world so very differently that I'm not sure meds are the answer anyway. Would being on ADHD medicine make him NOT throw me under the bus with both our kids and NOT say "mom wants you to do X" rather than frame requests as "X needs to get done, please go do it"? Maybe the meds would help him retain how those kinds of statements bother me and remember that he has been asked several times to not word things that way, but would he really grasp why it is undermining to me to phrase things that way? I really don't know. Would being on ADHD meds make him more realistic about his own abilities and place in the world? Every company he has worked for, he has said with 100% sincerity how glad he is that he came along because no one there knows what they are doing. If I even try to be a little jokey and say oh come on, no one is THAT irreplaceable, he really doesn't grasp it. Would meds really help having such a skewed view of your own importance? Most things he encounters are framed in a "why do bad things always happen to me". He travels a ton for work and most of his flights he is stuck between two fat people, next to a loud person, a smelly person, a nervous talker, something, and it's always "it figures I would get stuck next to_______". Would meds help the victim mentality?
I really do not think it sucks for my DH to live with untreated ADHD. It may for other folks, but in this case, what's bad?? He does what he pleases, comes and goes as he pleases, is the FUN dad, starts whatever catches his eye and abandons it when it's no longer interesting, doesn't handle the finances or the nitty gritty of family life-what's not to like?? Now, if he was honest, I think he is pretty confused as to why I am irritated so often, but beyond that, I don't think his untreated ADHD is that big of a deal to him. I am only speaking from my own experience, 22 years under the same roof as my DH, that's all. Not making any generalizations to anyone else.
You are 100% correct that it is my choice to take meds and my choice to stay. I am clear about that. I have been working furiously to pay back our debts so we could have two apartments, but it will be a while before that can happen. But yes, my choice. I could have us split now and our standard of living would go WAY down, so in that way I am choosing my unhappiness and discontent.
Thank you
Submitted by Heart's Desire on
This has been a very helpful thread for me to read - so thank you dvance and Melissa for your comments and thoughtful discussion.
Dvance - I often stop and think as well about my husband's life and he really does have it pretty good - he does what he wants to do for the most part, and I deal with the cooking, cleaning, groceries, bill paying, bring in more money, etc. I don't want to be a martyr and we do try to find a balance in responsibilities from time to time. I think his untreated adhd makes tasks more difficult for him to complete (as in, it's like swimming with your clothes on, but you can still get to the shore), but it allows him to think he doesn't have any issues and keep the denial buried way down, because that denial and shame is difficult to face. The thing is, separating would make my life about twice as easy, whereas living on his own would make his life twice as hard as it is now. Of course he's never going to leave it. It's going to need to be me. . .
Thank you for clarifying. I
Submitted by dvance on
Thank you for clarifying. I have no issue with anyone taking any meds they need--anxiety, depression--that's what drugs are for! Take them if they help. My issue, as you said, is that I know I am more patient and able to overlook stuff and take on all the extra stuff if I have that help. DH does not think he needs any help, drugs or therapy or anything. He thinks he is functioning fine. Would I still need meds if he was more consistent and present? We'll likely never know.
Needs not met
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I think I understand what you mean by horrible behavior because your needs aren't being met. It has less to do with blame and more to do with the sheer frustration of feeling like you're banging your head against a brick wall non stop. The situation is kind of surreal and it causes your behavior to escalate beyond the norm because you're not getting what you would consider a normal response. It's maddening. I don't think I've posted this before, but I've run across material on Affective Deprivation Disorder (AfDD). Now, I don't know if it's recognized in the psychological world as a "real" disorder. It's most commonly seen in partners of Asperger's adults. It means that the non spouse isn't getting their needs met and by osmosis, some crazy behavior happens. I've been there. There's an article out there called something like "Perfect John and his crazy wife". I'll try to find it. To the outside world, John is perfectly normal. Inside the marriage he doesn't respond on an appropriate emotional level to his wife. She responds with increasing frustration, not letting arguments end, etc etc. To the outside world, SHE'S the problem.
I may be off base, but this is what came to my mind when I read your post. It makes sense to me.
Thank you...
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
At the time, I was dealing with mixed messages that I could not make sense of at all. I didn't suspect ADHD until after we split up.
So there I was in a relationship with someone who, on one hand, seemed *completely* sincere when he said he loved me and wanted a life with me and backed it up with all the usual affection, integration into his family, time spent together, talk of the future, laughter and fun, etc... but then wasn't making any real progress on the things that were preventing us from actually moving forward and achieving the goal. Nor would he accept any help. Nor did he seem capable of any solution-oriented discussion without blowing up over it.
With all the contradiction I was completely confused. I couldn't figure out what the issue was. Him? Me? Something else entirely? Your comment about it all being so surreal is right on the money. There were times that I felt like I didn't know what was true. Sometimes I still wonder. Our friends and even his family couldn't understand it either. Not just why he wasn't moving forward for me/us, per se, but also for himself.
There was only so much I could take before my patience and coping skills became too frayed. I was trying so hard to sort it out so we could make progress and when he would explode and scream at me and shun me I couldn't understand where was the guy who would dance with me in the kitchen or flutter kisses all over my face to wake me up in the morning and things like that. Where did he go ... and why does he suddenly seem to hate me over things that HE says he wants to do? Sigh. Not to mention the anger over having accusations and insults hurled at me or the frustration of not being able to get a straight answer or a clear path of direction.
Anyway, it sounds simple to just leave, or to not react, or not internalize things, or what have you... but it's far more complicated when you are in it. So with that in mind, I have done a post-mortem on my own choices and behaviors but I'm also not going to absolve him of all of his, or the resulting effect.
Vabeachgal
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Thank you so much for sharing this. I read about Affective Deprivation Disorder, which led me to alexithymia. There is no doubt that my husband has alexithymia. I have often thought that he has Asperger’s rather than adhd. I’m so thankful to understand more about his behavior.
I think my husband also has
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I think my husband also has alexithymia. He is unable to verbalize or identify emotions, his own or those of others. It's been difficult for me because. I would often have been satisfied with a demonstration of empathy of the "I can see how that made you feel xxxx." and let it go. To have to ever received even that... it's been tough. I need to feel in emotionally in sync with people, it's part of who I am. I can't get that with him. It's been really frustrating. I get the bad behavior thing. It's not like I really blamed him for my bad behavior, more that it made me feel like a tantrumming 2 year old.
These comments about emotions
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
These comments about emotions are very timely. Yesterday, my ex-husband was at my home because one of our daughters is visiting from out of state. My dog has cancer, for which I decided to not have her treated because of the type of cancer and the size of the tumor. I will be having her euthanized when the tumor gets so large that she is in pain or her eating or breathing is disrupted. I wasn't planning to tell my ex because he really acts as though he doesn't care about anything concerning me. But my daughter said something, so I told my ex about the cancer. His response was, "well, she's old anyway...." I was dismayed but I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. I am sad about the diagnosis and dreading having to make the euthanasia decision and then being without my dear companion but it does seem that my ex doesn't understand emotions or is afraid of them.
I'm sorry...
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
Our pets are precious. I'm sorry to hear. (hug)
I'm sorry to hear that. My
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I'm sorry to hear that. My thoughts are with you.
Is there a bottom line here Vabeachgal?
Submitted by c ur self on
(It means that the non spouse isn't getting their needs met and by osmosis, some crazy behavior happens. I've been there. There's an article out there called something like "Perfect John and his crazy wife". I'll try to find it. To the outside world, John is perfectly normal. Inside the marriage he doesn't respond on an appropriate emotional level to his wife. She responds with increasing frustration, not letting arguments end, etc etc. To the outside world, SHE'S the problem. It means that the non spouse isn't getting their needs met and by osmosis, some crazy behavior happens. I've been there. There's an article out there called something like "Perfect John and his crazy wife". I'll try to find it. To the outside world, John is perfectly normal. Inside the marriage he doesn't respond on an appropriate emotional level to his wife. She responds with increasing frustration, not letting arguments end, etc etc. To the outside world, SHE'S the problem.)
Who is the problem here?? Do we over look her behavior based on his abnormality? At what point does her behavior have to be accounted for? Is the only answer to dissolve such a relationship in order to have a life free from the frustration of irreparable differences? Is there any hope for contentment by either party in this marriage?
I've made this statement many times..."Some people (maybe many) aren't equipped to live in a marital relationship where they have to do the daily work that comes from having to consider another person, and give themselves to this effort, willingly and lovingly....There hearts and minds are capable of getting to this place"....
I've never read one post that said...My spouse is healed (not that it can't happen)....I have read a few that said...I've learned to live peacefully with the circumstances of their reality....Maybe through boundaries, and going their own way....
But does staying in a relationship like you presented above make us wrong?? When we know what the day to day fruit is going to be before we even climb out of bed...
Just something to consider.....
C
My bottom line
Submitted by vabeachgal on
C:
I can only answer for myself. No, the behavior must be accounted for on both sides. In my case, it required a deep dive, layers deep, to figure out what was creating the negative behaviors and exactly what emotion was being felt. Emotions can hide other emotions. It's not always clear.
I've said before and will say many times again - I can handle the "simple" ADHD behaviors. I had to do most of the household and child care. Okaaayyy... was it frustrating and unfair? yes. Did it make me angry? Yes. Was it the end of the world? no. At the end of the day, it is the work of daily living that must be done. Did my H have other skills and contribute in other ways? yes. Was it equal. No. Was that okay. Yes, more or less it was "liveable". Could I continue to be the one to make all the plans to keep us "together" and interacting? Sure. Not fun. Not fair, but sure, I could do that. In short, could I look at some of the ADHD induced behavior and frustrations and work around it for the greater good. Yes, I can do that. Could I take care of myself well enough to give myself the care and empathy that was lacking in the relationship? Yes.
It was only after creating some breathing room and objectivity regarding the situation that I could peel back the layers.
I was angry. I could justify the anger to myself. I could see why the difficulties in the relationship produced the anger. Still, it was my job to figure it out and manage it. Anger, whatever the source, doesn't do anyone any good.
Did I feel betrayed? Absolutely, I did. Did I feel hurt? Yes, in abundance if abundant hurt is a "thing".
It comes down to determining the basic root emotion causing me coping difficulty and figuring out if I can live with it.
General neglect of me and the relationship? Okay, I could come to terms with that. A married man being on dating sites and not allowing me to EVER see his phone? ADHD or not, that is not okay. No. An adult male, responsible for a wife and family, unable to handle basic financial matters and control impulsivity, taking us to a point of financial disaster? No, that is not okay. ADHD or not, that is not okay. Lying? No, ADHD or not, that is not appropriate marital behavior.
So, what's the bottom line? Each person must figure out his or her own bottom line. My bottom line is that all of the emotions I listed above are covering for one bigger, root ball of emotion. Fear.
My inappropriate behavior, anger, withdrawal, etc. was derived from fear. And that fear is a fear of not being loved because the behavior I see from my husband is not loving. I could sense it on a cellular level, even if I was not able to process it intellectually. My responses were primitive and real.
Everyone's bottom line is different and individual. Over time, I've described many things that I will no longer live with but the bottom line is that I won't live my life in fear. Fear of not being loved and fear of additional hurt and damage, emotional or otherwise.
In the absence of effective treatment and resolution for the lying and sufficient resolution to put my mind at ease about the other matters, I am choosing to live without the fear my partner is creating. The base level, ever present fear I've lived with over the years was the driving force for my bad behavior. Understanding that, I can control my responses but I cannot control his behavior that causes my fear.
Very insightful...I agree w/ all you say here....
Submitted by c ur self on
Thanks for your response, also I would like to commend you for all the work you have done in your own life. It is no easy task to own your actions, when you have been subjected to those you've listed....It's much easier to just blame...
I'm at a point that I think I can bear (and enjoy it at times) this marriage w/boundaries and as long as she continues to work at it, (lose the victim stuff) and for the most part she has done that over the past several months....I have totally experienced all the feelings you have listed about yourself....I really haven't had to deal w/ dating apps or that type behavior, "Thankfully" so I can't say what I would do.....
Blessings Friend....
C
Fear of not being loved
Submitted by jennalemone on
I understand this, vabeachgal. I never saw it put into words. When I was young I took my family caring about me for granted. It was in the actions of making a living and being able to believe and count on the family members that showed love and commitment. With H, I cannot count on him, I cannot believe his words and for the second half of our marriage he did not make a living wage but denied that he was not making a living wage. I worked hard because I couldn't bear the thought of not being loved by my husband. My denial has not been good for me - or for the family. I also had the fear of financial destitution. When a woman has children, going it alone can be devastating. I give so much credit for those brave women who left unfair marriages and took on the financial responsibilities of a family alone making less money than their husbands make. When I see how it all played out those women (and they are all women that I know) are doing much better now than if they would have stayed.
My fear of not being loved and cared for has led me into a situation now where I am not loved or cared for. So, how to turn this around to a more positive light? I must and am working to include people who care for me into my life and not spending much thinking time on those who do not love and care for me.
I thought love was a duty when I was a young married. I fought to keep love alive in my marriage. Now I will fight to keep love alive in my life and I will assume it is there and that I am worthy of it and I will go where love leads me.
I can really relate to this.
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I can really relate to this. For twenty years I worked my self, literally, into bad health. I moved my office home so that I could be at home with my kids, but I never stopped working. I had two difficult pregnancies, two c-sections, two newborns to care for and never got any help or a day off of work. I then kept working while i cared for toddlers and preschoolers and eventually ended up homeschooling both of my children for six years. I never quit working. I thought that if I kept working really hard my husband would finally notice me. He would finally appreciate me. He would finally love me. It never happened. Finally, after 20 years of living that way and my health ruined, I quit working. He still doesn't notice me. He still doesn't appreciate everything I did to help him build a business, but at least I can take care of myself now. I should have put myself first a long time ago.
I think this feeling of not being loved is the main problem...
Submitted by c ur self on
I always felt loved for the most part...My family, my wife, my children...When at age 50 I found myself widowed and decided to remarry....I did not know how to deal with the feelings I got from her... That is how I lost myself...I worked so hard to prove my love, nothing seemed to help. It took quiet some time to realize there was just to much pain and hurt in her past (from other men) to put down her sword...To trust and be vulnerable...And her clinical level adhd just amplified it....
I was a basket case before I realized (or could accept it) she just had no capability at age 46 to be open and trusting in a relationship. She felt like she had to control every aspect...(which never being married before me, she was head of the house hold by default) Which just made for competition, because I took my role as a husband and leader in the home seriously, so it was constant head butting....WOW....We have come a long way.....
Thank the Lord my eyes have been opened to this....Also like I've said in the past...When I came to peace with it, and quit trying so hard...She started cracking that Iron door in her wall and peeping out..:)....
I guess a person can be used, and hurt enough in life that it can render them some where between highly suspicious to completely unable trust in others...I know for a fact, that being abandoned by my Dad at age 5 turned me inward...Trusting solely in myself for the most part...After watching her live, I've been very limited in putting my faith in her to do the right thing at times, and it effects her...She let me know! LOL... Are you checking behind me!....uhhhhh maybe.....:;)
C
Oh yes, I too am punished
Submitted by dvance on
Oh yes, I too am punished when I bring up something difficult, push for a resolution, or ask a question that DH doesn't want to answer. It happens in person and when he is out of town. If I text and he doesn't want to deal, my text will go unanswered and he will claim not to have received it. Same with calling. Now I know to put in the code that blocks the number from showing up on the caller ID and then he answers. It's truly ridiculous. If I don't "behave" I get the silent treatment. It happened today. We are having lots of conflict about our 18 year old son and I texted some stuff today and from both of them (they are both out of town in different places), from both of them I got "this is not the right time to discuss this". How many of you get this from your ADHD person? that when you bring up something difficult or uncomfortable it's "not the right time" or my personal favorite "I'm not doing this with you right now". When exactly is the right time to discuss difficult things? First thing in the morning, I get "I'm not awake/ready enough for this". At the end of the day it's "I'm too tired for this". On the weekend I get "I don't want to ruin the weekend by discussing this". So...when??? At this point I no longer try to figure out what works for them, I bring up what is on my mind whether the planets are aligned or they have had the optimal amount of sleep or the perfect work day and then I often get the silent treatment. Over the years I have made my peace with that and now I accept that if I don't behave it's going to get really really quiet in my house! It is mind trip though--I have these endless conversations in my head before I say stuff out loud and even then it is likely I will be punished with the silent treatment. I cannot tell you how many times this happens and while I am very tired of it I do not anticipate it changing any time soon.
Yes, Hopeful Heart....
Submitted by c ur self on
I know exactly what this feels like....But, there is life for those of us who have dealt with this reality....It's not found in our spouse though...I had to quit reaching out to her, for something she did not have to give me....
C
Thank you all so much for
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Thank you all so much for your responses. I’ve read them all multiple times. I’m so sorry that we’re are all in this painful situation, but I truly appreciate the opportunity to connect with you all and share experiences.
This truly resonates with me
Submitted by ccarpenter on
I cannot tell you how much I can relate to this. I have been going through one of the hardest times of my life for over three weeks now. The constant fighting about not feeling like a priority, manipulation of feelings, lack of communication or communicating effectively, which in turn creates a downward spiral of mistrust. This all is what got me here today, 3 days before Christmas and without my partner. Completely and utterly ostracized. Shut out. Ignored. He has untreated ADHD. I have severe anxiety coupled now with depression, more extreme in these circumstances. I know and take full responsibility for my actions. I have gone to seek help on this, as I feel like this is taking control of my life. It wasn't easy. It feels even more daunting now. I replay all of the scenarios in my mind to understand how I could have been better, or how I could have better understood him and what he deals with. I went to a support group for ADHD to try to better understand what he is dealing with. I learned so much. So much I was doing wrong, and not being patient or understanding enough of how he sees things through his lenses, and how we both don't always see it the same. All of this within almost a month's time and absolutely zero communication from him. The stonewalling is excruciatingly painful. I feel abandoned, I feel lost, I feel alone and like am no longer that *shiny* person in his world all the while my world is completely crashing in on me. We were living together, and he is now at his parents. We are both adults, me 29, him 28. I read and re read all of these posts and different forums on here trying to find answers, trying to find anything to fill this hole inside. I have truly been the pursuer and he the distancer. Almost every day for over 3 weeks, we have done this terribly orchestrated dance. I don't know how you partners and spouses get through something like this. If there is more space involved, does it truly help the one with ADHD come to a clearer mindset and want to communicate? We had talked about couples counseling and counseling for ourselves, and he has talked about treatment again, but I know that is truly on him to decide and I cannot control that. In fact, I cannot control any of this right now, and that is the most difficult part to comes to term with and accept. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
"If there is more space
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"If there is more space involved, does it truly help the one with ADHD come to a clearer mindset and want to communicate?"
In my case, no. My now ex-husband did not communicate with me when he moved to his parents' home six years ago. Maybe once per month, if that, and he never initiated contact.
Time
Submitted by rainbow on
In my relationship, when things are rocky (which is always off and on because my partner has untreated ADHD), what seems to help for us is time.
When we talk about serious things (feelings, stuff we disagree on, etc) it is almost a guarantee that my partner will tell me why my feelings are invalid or why I am wrong. If it doesn't match up with his reality, he can't comprehend it and won't accept it. He seems to require some "time" for stuff to "sink in."
Almost always, later (it could be hours, days, or weeks), after he has had the necessary time to reflect, he comes around and admits that he does indeed see where I was coming from or that I was right or whatever.
I don't mean to sound nonchalant about it; I absolutely hate this little "cycle" that goes on. But the bottom line is, in my case anyway, that there is at least SOME resolution. But it requires a lot of patience on my end and is obviously not optimal.
Best of luck to you.
Hi ccarpenter...
Submitted by c ur self on
Based on your post I want to point out one thing...*Energy*....Step back and look at everything you are doing and thinking concerning him....Lot's on *Energy*....Seeking to Learn, Seeking to Change...Seeking any way to bring about a healthy relationship....
Now be honest and take a long look at how much positive energy he is putting into learning, changing, and trying to bring about the same healthy relationship that you are seeking?
The reality of what is happening with you....And with him...will help you to go forward wisely and peacefully....No matter how much like or dislike the true reality....
C