My DH has done this our whole married life: whatever it is, he is the BEST, knows the MOST, is the MOST qualified, thank GOD he came along or else the company would be in shambles, blah blah blah. Currently we are in a weird place--he has been in Houston since Sept 1, coming home only on weekends and sometimes not even then because his current company sent him there to deal with many flooded properties. I'll be honest--I LOVE it. I love not having to listen to the boasting, love not having to try to figure out which part of the convoluted stories are true, love the absence of conflict. When he is home now I notice the nonsensical talk, the grandiosity even more. He's been home since last night and here are some examples: there are TWO companies interested in him right now and BOTH are willing to pay BIG bucks to hire him BUT they both have to do some more thinking and planning before either of them makes an offer. Seriously? What is really going on is he is closing in on three years at his current company and the shine has worn off and he is bored. While I have no way to confirm this, I would bet dollars to donuts that he met someone in each of these companies and they said something like WOW-I wish we had someone like you working for us. This morning he tells me that he recommended his current contractor in Houston to another property manager that he knows and the contractor told him if they take the bid they will give him a 3% referral fee. Of the $5 million dollar project. Sure they will. Why the need to make this stuff up? None of it ever happens. I don't even retain the information for more than a day any more. I used to get all excited and plan what we might do with the extra money but I don't any more because it never happens.
So much of what we all post here is about how we have lost ourselves in trying to make an ADHD marriage work. After 22 years of turning myself inside out to maintain this ridiculous relationship, like many others, I have decided that it is not possible to have a normal partnership with an ADHD person. That is my experience and if you have managed to stay true to yourself AND stay married to an ADHD person then I applaud you. I cannot. With DH gone so much since September I can really see what a different person I am with him home vs him gone. I like myself so much more without him. We often don't even talk on the phone during the week and that is fine too. I sleep better without him. I eat better without him. When he is home I am holding my breath waiting for him to go so I can clean up the clutter and exhale. That said, we are moving in June and I don't think we can afford two places so I am going to have to figure out a way to be myself and be under the same roof as him. Not looking forward to that I can tell you.
Not sure what my point is today, just thoughts.
I can relate to this. My
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I can relate to this. My husband tells an endless number of stories from his childhood and teenage years. Every single story is extreme and dangerous. He must have had more near death experiences than any other person on the planet. He also has a million “drunk” stories. From the sounds of it, he must have been drunk his entire life before he met me. Everything with him is extreme. I finally told him that I’m sick of all the outlandish stories and I’m sick of hearing about him being drunk.
Same story here
Submitted by jennalemone on
H used to be a traveling salesman. gone for weeks at a time. I conditioned MYSELF to trust and hope for the positive. At this age 40years married, I realize that MOST of his stories have holes and MOST of what he says is just plain made up. Sometimes I am guessing he does not realize he lies....it has become such an ingrained habit with him. But he conditioned me to NOT trust him....I caught him too many times in lies and in betraying the person he pretends to be. So now he complains that I don't respect him. I DON'T EVEN TRUST HIM! Yes, I, too, do not get excited when H tells me of ANY business deal coming his way.... I really can't even talk to him about anything anymore because I have lost hope of any meaningful discussion...just manipulative "shows" he puts on to divert me and make himself LOOK like the person he wants to project. But after 40 years you get to know the real person. You can tell if you can believe his words or not. You can tell if you can rest securely in his arms or not. You can tell if he is a beautiful person inside or not. There is no salesmanship or personality voodoo that can make up for being untrustworthy.
Interesting.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I noticed similar things in my ex, only in a little different way.. For example, he refers to himself an artist and while yes... he does draw and he is actually very good at it.. he does not actually produce any completed works, per se. Rather, he doodles and sketches a bit here and there. Parts of things. Or shapes. I don't think I ever saw a fully completed drawing of something. He also has a website for a graphic design business but he abandoned it. It hasn't been updated since 2001. Up until recently he was still referring to it on his resume as an active business.
He did do graphic design work at a company in his twenties. I saw some of the work and it was very well done but now I wonder if he was on a team with others or what... because not once during the course of our relationship did he actually ever produce anything of his own, nor did he have anything hanging in the house that he previously produced or anything more than little doodle books or scraps of paper here and there. He would buy books or supplies but either never use them or use them once and not come back to them. We never went to any art galleries or open studios either. He followed a few artists on IG or FB but that's about it.
Same with photography. Yes he carries a camera everywhere and takes some nice pictures (he seems to have a natural eye) but does that make one a photographer? I don't really think so. I never brought it up with him, it was just something that always struck me as odd. I am a former professional dancer but I haven't performed or taught professionally in years so I don't refer to myself as such and if I do, I say former or retired. However, he will tell you right away that he's an artist and photographer.. as if it is something he actively devotes time and energy to on a level one would expect of a professional or serious amateur or something like that.
oh the supplies
Submitted by dvance on
Oh my gosh don't even get me started on the supplies for hobbies that never get used more than a few times. Let's see...we had the mosaic period from which we have three big bins full of beach glass and rocks and not one completed mosaic. Then there's the metal detector that takes up SO MUCH space in the closet and has never found anything of value but we have a whole drawer full of crap that it did find--junk jewelry, broken toys, not one item of value. Then there was wood carving for which we have many blocks of wood that took many hours at the lumber yard to pick out and all the tools and sandpaper and whatever to go with. How many carvings? None. None that are completed. And then there is archery. Many many dollars were spent on bows, arrows, targets, membership to an archery club. There is even an archery bracelet that was purchased and is worn all the time. It looks ridiculous. I will say archery has gotten more time than any other hobby, but for the amount of money and supplies you would think he was prepping for Olympic trials. Same with books. I get him books by his favorite authors and they sit on the shelf. That I think is just passive aggressive because I got them. Frank Sinatra is his favorite singer and I spent a lot on a two volume biography of him for last birthday. His birthday is a week away and those books have never been opened. It's been a year. There has been a word search book phase, a crossword puzzle books phase, a jigsaw puzzle phase, a working out/protein shakes phase (that protein powder is a fortune by the way and we have two gigantic tubs of it in the closet for the past 8 months). It really is exhausting. I can only imagine that being in that brain that cannot settle or sustain attention on anything for for any significant amount of time is exhausting too. It puts the non-ADHD person who has to share a budget and a living space with the person in a terrible position--support every single new idea with equal enthusiasm and join them in crazy town OR point out that the last 14 obsessions cost money and didn't last and be the bad guy. There really is no way to work this out well.
The bottom line is the completely skewed perception ADHD people have of themselves and their place in the world. Each thing is NEW and EXCITING and the BEST thing to ever come along. Even if the new thing costs money and takes up space. And two weeks ago there was a NEW and EXCITING thing that needed just as much stuff and excitement. Exhausting.
So the 3% of a several million dollar deal? Yeah, I am not holding my breath. It gets harder and harder to pretend interest let alone excitement. Exhausting.
Not funny but I'm laughing anyhow
Submitted by adhd32 on
Sorry Dvance, I was laughing out loud. I live it too! H decided he would take up the slide guitar after we attended a music festival. H has NO musical experience but figured how hard can it be? Never mind that the person who inspired this purchase has been playing since he was a young kid. I talked H out of buying one the first year but after the second year he secretly ordered one and ALL the accessories which now sit covered in dust. H also has other on again-off again interests for which only the best equipment must be purchased. Lots and lots of time spent setting things up, joining clubs, attending conferences and then...nothing. Thousands of dollars worth of things for astronomy, bikes, cars, computers, cooking, travel, books, tools etc just sitting taking up space and collecting dust. And don't mention getting rid of any of these dusty things that just sit becoming obsolete, instead of him selling them to recoup some of the $$$.
Same with all the home improvement projects that never get finished. He runs to the store to purchase an expensive tool when he has others that will do the job. I guess he figures if he has the most expensive tool it will be the answer to completing the project. He insists on doing things he has no knowledge about and I am supposed to be grateful. He runs into problems and that is the end of his effort. I cannot say anything bad about the unfinished or barely working projects either. We did have a contractor do some big things in the house. H expected that several friends would help him (not that he helped any of them in the past) but they all declined and he got mad at me. Thankfully his anger led him to hire a contractor to whom he was very rude. I dealt with the contractor and he and I had a very easy relationship, I guess H felt he was being upstaged.
I no longer react to his pie in the sky schemes and dreams. It is all so exhausting.
I had to laugh as well.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I know it's not funny but I also laughed out loud at "The Mosaic Period" ... it reminded me of The Bronze Period or The Renaissance.
In addition to the art materials, my ex had a ton of unused skateboard items including an old ramp that is rotting in the driveway, at least 6 bicycles..one of which was in the shop being custom built for the last several years and is probably still there, 2 dead cars to fix up, an old truck that he spotted for sale on the street one day and bought on a whim, 4 motorcycles plus one that is just the body (no wheels or anything else) that is leaning up against the back of the house... and in 2011 he bought one from a friend for $1500 but the friend never gave him the bike (or else he never followed up on it..not sure which). Either way he threw away $1500 on a bike he never received.
Magazines were the other big thing. So many magazines. He has an entire bookshelf full, plus several waist high stacks near the bed, stacks on the coffee table, stacks on the three different desks he has in various spots in the house... and he wouldn't get rid of any of them even though some are 20 years old.
Then he got really into craft cocktails and had to buy everything to do with that. Books, magazines, glassware, measuring spoons and shakers, every possible flavor of bitters, mixers and every liquor you could think of. One night he showed up at my house with no less than 5 bottles of different bourbons that he had gone out and purchased after reading an article in a magazine. This was a regular occurrence. We would stop to buy a bottle of wine to take to a friends house for dinner and he would easily drop $500 on other things. He talked about buying a restaurant and spent weeks on end meeting with someone about buying an old dive bar that he thought he could fix up and turn into a business (with what money I don't know). Craft beer as well. He would buy several bottles at a time and then they would rarely get consumed at home because he prefers to go sit at a bar to drink instead (more action/people to talk to). Then the next time we were at the store he would buy more.
Obsolete computers, PDAs, parts... A victrola that he wanted to restore. A pool table in the living room that never gets used. Cigars that he would buy and forget about... comic and cartoon toy collectibles that, according to him, could be worth money someday. Stopping and picking up for sale flyers for houses was a big thing as well.. and walking down the street or driving was full of things like... look at that shirt, let's go in there, that guy is wearing funny sunglasses, hey there's a purple bird, is that a new place?, what are they building over there? ... It wasn't as big of an issue if we had nothing to do but difficult if we had someplace to be and were trying to get there.
Definitely exhausting... and before I found this website I never understood what was going on. Reading all your similar stories has me completely blown away. The misdirected time and money was so frustrating when there are so. many. other. major. issues. that are going to bite him in the ass someday if they continue to go unaddressed. Part of me is still so upset and part of me is also so sad about it all. I still wonder if on some level he knows and is just too afraid.. or what. Sigh. But I just couldn't help him. He fought me every step of the way.
Thank you for giving me the space to process all of this. It's helpful to talk to others who understand.. and even just to write it down.
Ditto that
Submitted by phatmama on
Oh, how I can relate to your plight regarding "Supplies". Every house we have ever lived in has been stuffed to the gills, literally overflowing with the detritus of my husband's hobbies and interest, most of them abandoned. At this point, we have two dirtbikes and a street bike (motorcycle), two kayaks, four guitars, two Peavey amps, three long shelves of technical manuals, art books, and music books. We have an airplane in pieces in our garage , a table saw, the trunk of a tree he cut down and was going to "do something with", five bicycles, snowboards, skis and all attendant gear (parkas, snowpants, helmets, boots), rock climbing gear, karate gear, a punching bag, 3 skateboards, a violin, flute, saxophone, clarinet, piano, ukulele. We have supplies for every conceivable type of art as well as cameras and photography supplies. We have literally bins and bins and bins of electronic crap, like cords, chargers, hard drives, monitors, keyboards. We also have an architectural drawing table and a ripped up couch we no longer need. No matter how much space we have, he fills it up and then some and I am left feeling like a hostage in my own home. At least in our current home we have a basement, but I can barely stand to go down there once a week to do the laundry . My only two hobbies are reading and baking and they take up almost no room, thank God. When we met I was utterly charmed by his multiplicity of interests, but after 23 years, the charm has worn off. He has the most brilliant mind I have ever been privileged to encounter, but my marital happiness would increase by 75% if he would start downsizing and not stop until there are one or two hobbies he maintains attachment to and "gear" for and lets the rest go. I am not expressing the full extent of my frustration here because I have little privacy and chances are high he or our grown children will read this and feel offended. If I didn't think they would, there would be much more emotion expressed around this issue.
Oh, the supplies, oh yes.....advance and others
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm laughing also, (and cried tears). We have hundreds of drum parts from my husband's "drum making" business, and he only sold a couple drums, yet we have hundreds of parts. Money gone, parts taking up half the garage. He IS a brilliant musician, but music in NOT in his soul, so its not a natural gift for him. He went into music on a whim......NOT a good career choice. He's regretted it since. He did the music score for a really bad movie that was supposed to sell. It hasn't. It cost us 10 years of our lives, weekends and evenings.(an eternity for an ADHD person) He was so excited about it and was going to be "famous". Hasn't happened, and we are out more money for that. Were supposed to be paid 20 grand for the score. Haven't seen any money.
He wanted me to get as excited as HE was for any and all projects that have ONLY ended up costing us tons of time and money. He still looks for MORE fun things to get involved in. Ouch. Never again. No more excitement about whims. Too old now, and haven't even lived LIFE yet to get involved with another whim. He still can't see that he wasted most of his life on whims, when his WIFE was right in front of him needing and wanting his attention (even a little) and he wouldn't even LOOK at her. What a sad thing to say about life.
TAKE CARE ALL
Actually..
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I take that back... I did bring up the fact that he isn't an artist a couple of times. He had a big thing for looking at nude or fetish or lingerie photography of women. Magazines, websites etc. It was everywhere and there was lots of it. Once we became a serious couple it began to bother me a great deal. I tried talking to him about it a couple times and he reacted very badly. Defensive, yelling, accusing me of being insecure, etc.
Then he tried to tell me he was interested in it because he's an artist and that I should go take an art appreciation class (that part really pissed me off right there).
I was like.. no.. if you were interested in this from an artistic standpoint then the subject matter would not be limited to stereotypical, sexualized photos of young, slender women. That's all this is. It's one subject. Nude or nearly nude highly sexualized photos of women. It is not art. It is "entertainment". There are no photos of men, couples, older women, people of different shapes or sizes, etc. This is not about "the human form" or anything of the sort. It's about you wanting to look at naked women. So stop trying to sell me on it otherwise.
(eye roll) Still pisses me off to this day.
The desire to feel good about themselves....
Submitted by c ur self on
My thoughts on why a person produces this grandioso view of themselves....
When a person has potential, ( or even gifted) but, lives in a mind that doesn't allow for follow through, (or maybe their childhood didn't allow for opportunities to reach their potential) ....This type person can develop a dream world for themselves, of things that might easily could have been, or even could be, and that can become their reality...It's truly easy for them to get lost in this, what if, or, what could have been world...Just like a child or young teen who's planning on being a Movie Actor or the President...
It's much easier on their self esteem than the actual truth of their accomplishments and life styles......It's really not something limited to adhd minds....
C
I think the part about this
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
I think the part about this that I can relate to and that upsets me so much is how much happier and relaxed I am when my husband isn't around. He sleeps in late on weekends and the kids and I are so relaxed until he comes thundering down the steps. I literally feel myself tense up. Is it weird that I'm jealous of you because your husband is away for long periods at a time now:) ?
Not it's not weird, I just
Submitted by dvance on
Not it's not weird, I just feel sad that so many of us feel calmer when we are NOT around the person who is supposed to be our PERSON, you know? Last night my DH said he is likely to be in Houston until March. That is seven months all told. And I am THRILLED. I can run the house the way I want, cook the stuff I want, manage my time and the 16 year old's time the way I want. LOVING IT. The more time I spend without him, not reacting to every ridiculous thing or cleaning up some literal or financial or planning mess the more I feel myself coming back to myself and I may finally have the strength to leave.