I've read a lot of posts the last several years, and definitely wrote my share. Most of what I have read and wrote has one common theme...How do I live with this person and have a relationship that mirror's anything close to healthy? We all have different spouses and different barriers to over come (although the similarities are amazing for many of us). I've learned what doesn't work more than what does, although I think I've learned quiet a bit about what does work also. It's just the things that work are more difficult for me because of two main reasons...One is in order to live peacefully in our relationship. I have to recognize all the inability's that limit communication...Which limits most things...Secondly, it becomes a daily game of discipline for myself. There are so many triggers that it's hard to stay aware, and discipline myself to not go there....Things that I didn't give a thought about in my first marriage of 30 years....
Also these things change based on time of day, medicated vs non-medicated...So it's quiet a difficult read at time, but, we learn...Also, what about ourselves, we are human also, and have our own problems to mix in there, which in our case, can be much like oil and water...Or gas on the fire....
LOL...sometimes I think the answer is right around to corner to better days in our marriage....And the good times (peaceful times) have gotten much better...The times I've struggled the most over the years is when I was in denial of her mental illness...There are just times that her behaviors or going to be such that the only way to deal with it is to walk away and do nothing and say nothing....Why is this the answer? Because in my W's case....She is proud, She wants to control anything she takes part in, and is defiant any time she is spoken to about her behaviors, or is questioned....She refuses to see herself, and will 98% of the time justify her actions....(denial) So that alone makes questioning her decisions the start of conflict...This is hard on me, because I think loving partners should be able to calmly discuss and thing, but, not so....All I got out of thinking that early on was my feelings hurt, very anger and very bitter....I was full of anxiety....
So my advice to myself and anyone reading this is....Step one to a peaceful life will always be Acceptance of what is possible and what is not when it comes to communication with our spouses....
Step two is to recognize the ease at which parent/ child dynamics can start up. And no matter how selfish you think you are seeming, never start down the road named enablement....You just can't love a victim with acts of service, they will use you up...So do what you do in love, but never feel bad about forcing another adult to carry there own load in life....
I've made all these mistakes, and it's takes years to undo them, and only a short time to form these bad habits.....
Also we do well to never label people, it makes it to easy to excuse sin....I've read posts where a wife will say my husband cheated on my because he adhd....NO, if he cheated on you or you on him, it's because of something else. (heart condition)....We must be truthful with ourselves, about our actions, and those we are confronted with from our spouses....Two wrongs has never made a right, and never will.....
I wish great peace on all who post here....
C
Thank you
Submitted by Heart's Desire on
Thank you, C. I really appreciate your insights and your perspectives on this blog.
My husband and I had it out last night and it spiraled into me asking him to treat his adhd and him saying I need to deal with my depression and anxiety. Your problem/not my problem. A conversation of hurt and hurling accusations. . . . But I didn't digress into tears and he didn't stonewall me this morning so that's an improvement!
I think what I've been going through this last year is grieving the relationship I always thought we could have/thought we would have and letting that go. (we realized after a year together that adhd was contributing to relationship stress and started on a path to learning more and seeking treatment, so we've been blessed that way). However, the relationship I see between us isn't one that is healthy or one that I want for the long term. I don't want to enable him for the next 40 years. For the last few years I've gone through times of letting him be him and not engaging in the dysfunction, and it's exhausting in itself, although it does help things. I don't have much more to give if he isn't doing work on himself either. He says I make him miserable and I don't want to do that to my husband. . . .
Thank you for the 'step two' advice. I find it really, really hard because my way of showing love and compassion is to be helpful. But, I've pulled that back and now only take on things in order to protect our children and finances, everything else can slide for a bit if it means that he steps up eventually. It's crazy, because shortly before we got married I was reading Melissa's books and we were working on treatment and I knew to watch for parent/child dynamics and enablement and the symptom-response-response, but we've digressed that way no matter how informed we were (ok, truthfully, how informed I was). It does start up with such ease, as you say.
C, thank you for taking the
Submitted by Brindle on
C, thank you for taking the time to write this out. This is immensely helpful, but also very validating of my experience and my own tentative conclusions.