I just read this on a site called "liveabout.com" It really speaks to me.
"The passive aggressive man sabotages his marriage but it takes that one special woman to enable him to do so. That woman who, in dealing with her own issues is attracted to the walking wounded. That woman who goes above and beyond when it comes to making a relationship work. And, she will continue to attract passive aggressive men until she realizes that, as an adult woman she has the ability to limit how much damage another person can do to her life. Being loved should never mean turning yourself inside out for anyone. Being loved means knowing when to set boundaries, knowing your own worth and if need be, walking away from a man who does nothing but withdraw and withhold what you desire."
I have been turning myself inside out and don't recognize 2 people I once liked and loved - him and me. I am doing a lot of soul searching and acceptance lately. I am just sharing because I guess this morning I feel lonely and alone.
Ways to Communicate with a Passive Aggressive
Submitted by jennalemone on
From that same site, "liveabout.com", I find some pointers on how to communicate without frustration. The site has a lot of information. It gives 8 concrete suggestions in how to engage. It does seem like the best way to attempt a connection with my H. Yet, it also reminds me of "The Art of War". Love and Marriage should not be this hard or this calculating or a game of offense/defense. But, anyway, this is where I am in life with this person I live with, so I might as well stop banging my head against the wall reacting in ways that undermine my own integrity and character. Knowing I cannot think in terms of an "Us" that I used to believe in. An "Us" was never a thing...my H is an independent and passive aggressive. The other thing is that I have already tried this "counselor rather than intimate trusting partner" approadh with H. And it seems that he takes advantage of it when I "set the stage" for his disabilities/unwillingness. It seems to me that he would rather spar with words and cussing like "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?". And that is my disability - I am not good a the drama of screaming/cussing/sparring....Scenes like that stick in my soul and wash off H's back. I am just rambling but needed to. I'm going out to do what I usually do when my thoughts start to replay....go get a Starbucks and anonymously, silently be by people.
1. Make your feelings the subject of the conversation and not their bad behaviors. Use "I" statements and not "you" statements. More than likely you will get a more productive response from the passive aggressive spouse if you make the communication about the marriage and how you are feeling.
2. Don't attack their character. You may feel angry and want to strike out but, doing so will only cause the passive aggressive to withdraw and refuse to engage in communication.
3. Make sure you have privacy. This is only common sense. Do not call out your passive aggressive spouse in front of others.
Shaming someone never gets positive results.
4. Confront them about one behavior at a time, don't bring up everything at once. You may have a laundry list of grievances but that doesn't mean you have to communicate the entire list in one sitting. Remember, the passive aggressive fears conflict so, take it one grievance at a time to help them feel comfortable.
5. If they need to retreat from the conversation allow them to do it with dignity. Tell them you understand their need to leave the conversation but, before they do you'd like to agree on another date and time to continue discussing the topic.
6. Have a time limit, confrontation should not stretch on indefinitely.
7. If they try to turn the table on you, do not defend your need to have an adult conversation about your feelings. Having dealt with the passive aggressive you know that one of their main tactics is to try and turn the tables. Be on the lookout for that to happen and instead of becoming defensive insist that they stay on topic.
8. Be sure they understand that you care about what happens to them, that you love them and that you are not trying to control them. You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements and make the relationship better.
Nothing is more important than helping the passive aggressive to feel safe in engaging in what they will view as a conflict.