Hey my fellow ADHD'ers,
My very supportive girlfriend of three to four years dating broke up with me on the day before Thanksgiving. To be honest, I really really let her down and I am so down on myself. She was always there to nudge me in the right direction so I could continue my education and find something I was passionate about. We moved in together two years ago because she needed a roommate during her marriage and family college courses. Being the caring and supportive person that I am, I jumped at the opportunity to finally take our relationship to the next level. My overly optimistic approach to life and constant internal self-reflection that lead to no follow through were few of the many weaknesses that slowly made me lose myself in the process. I started to stop going to my community college courses, jumped from one job to another job to another job, and lacked the self-confidence to even do anything from all of her friend's and family constantly asking what I was doing with my life. She gave me so many opportunities for us to work it out, but I did not have the time-sensitive urgency and follow through to make it happen. My (ex) girlfriend broke up with me for this following reasons:
- I was not financially stable and jumped from job to job to another job while we lived together.
- The relationship dynamic somehow shifted from partners to a mother/son duo
- Being hyperfocused on the "we", I lost who I was in the process. She something along the lines of "Kevin, I know who I am without you, but who are you without me?" when we broke up.
- Shifting interests and constantly overpromising and underdelivering
- This was the last straw for her the weekend before Thanksgiving, she didn't talk about me passionately or proudly about me when people ask who I am or what I do. She would just give a generic response like "Oh Kevin is a barista now at Starbucks and he's gonna be an Organizational Leadership major at Arizona State University through the Starbucks College Achievement Program
- I am back to square one and writing this from my bedroom at my parent's house. I have asked a few mutual friends how she is doing and I know that she's both mad and sad at me. I did not want to see that this relationship was falling apart and pushed it back to my mind. To be honest, I am both heartbroken and hurt but I am more upset at myself for letting this happen. I always said to her that I did not want a breakup to help motivate me to become a better version of myself. I am so confused and lost right now. I loved her and our dog that we adopted together so much but I cannot even make a damn thought into an action. I don't know if I am even ready for another relationship and I will be honest that I am not sure we will ever get back together. I can only control myself going forward from now on and building myself into a better financial and passionate individual. Whatever happens, will happen.
Kevken, going forward.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm sorry to hear about the breakup, and I know you are sad now. A couple things reminded me of my ADHD husband. He also finds it difficult to turn a "thought" into an "action". But, without actions, there is no interconnected relationship.
I could be wrong, but it could be possible your thoughts and actions aren't on equal footing. My husband is like this. If I'm wrong disregard this.
My husband wants to say an " I love you", and let that one time be enough for a decade. It's not. Its not enough. Yes, he's uncomfortable, but not incapable of learning HOW to do this. FEAR keeps him from doing it. He's afraid of being rejected himself, but by doing WHAT hes not doing, he is showing me that HE rejects ME, by not showing me loving actions. A baby cannot grow and function and take care of itself, just because it gets fed ONCE, and then ,it gets left to fend for itself. Not a possibility. The care and feeding must last for YEARS. Same with a relationship. (Close relationship) certain actions MUST take place for a healthy baby (or relationship) to grow.
He sometimes will say a regretful comment about how our lives have turned out, but its never enough pain to have him actually commit to personal "in depth" change. He still just lets everything continue as it is, hoping it will change on its own. It doesn't. Now, our entire lives (almost) have gone by, and he's still not actively working on his ADHD. But, it DID change me. I am SO not the person I used to be, and have often hated myself for allowing myself to stay in dysfunction for too long. Don't let that be you. Use this time for your personal growth and betterment. Ask for help from experts who know. They will help you. Getting on your feet financially and job wise is a good thing and I know you can do it. I wish you all the best.
Dede