Hello all,
I have been here before and looking for some advice if possible. I am the non ADHD partner of an ADHD individual who is untreated (medication, coaching, therapy). My anxiety has gotten the best of me in times of stress and the inability to communicate with my ADHD partner. I am taking responsibility for my part and changing what I need to, to better deal with my anxiety because I am responsible for that. My partner on the other hand has shut down after arguments, asked for space and is no longer staying with me at our house and instead at his parents. It has been almost 2 weeks without any communication on what is happening. How do I better handle this situation without it backfiring? I am definitely one to pursue and try to work on it. I have come to realize that is getting me nowhere. Both of us see things through different lenses, and I need to know how to handle this gingerly without making it worse. When one has ADHD, does the desire exist to want to work on things when there is more space involved? I am currently trying to understand ADHD better and see how it takes effect in everyday life. I went to a support group which helped me better understand that we both see things differently. How do I get back to being shiny again?
Desire to work on things
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
ccarpenter, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going to. You ask if people with ADHD desire to work on things when there is more space involved. You will soon find this out. For me husband, the desire seems to be no. For him it is all about avoidance. Saying he needs space serves two purposes for him: It allows him to avoid communicating and it shifts the blame to me--I'm not giving him the space he needs to communicate. But the truth has always been, if he has space, he still won't communicate. He does not want to communicate. He'll offer any excuse to keep from communicating and if he can convince himself or me that the lack of communication is my fault--well, that's a double win in his book. The simple truth is, your partner needs treatment. No amount of understanding on your part will help your relationship without his getting effective treatment. You can be as shiny as shiny can be--it will not matter until your partner has effective treatment. It makes me sad to hear you ask how you can better handle this situation. It reminds me of all the wasted years of my marriage. There is no way you can handle the craziness that comes with a partner with untreated ADHD. I wish you the best and hope you come to a clear understanding of this situation at a much earlier age than I did.
I am sorry to hear that your
Submitted by ccarpenter on
I am sorry to hear that your husband does not recognize or is aware of what needs to be communicated. Is he doing coaching or therapy or is seeking any medication? I truly feel like this would help my partner, but I know he will have to want to do that and I cannot force him. I cannot even force him to want to talk to me or work through this with me. It comes off as selfish, incompetent and disregarding. We have been together for a little over 3 years and I feel like he has just ran away from all of it.
Overwhelmed Wife is telling
Submitted by Chevron on
Overwhelmed Wife is telling you the bottom line. Please read her.
How do I better handle this situation without it backfiring? I am definitely one to pursue and try to work on it. I have come to realize that is getting me nowhere.
I'm glad you see this. Believe what you see. Pursuit wont work, I'd say, especially with a partner with ADHD...no matter what signals they give you. I once thought that if I just tried hard, hard, I could heal my then partner's needs and lacks. I tried this, one partner and dating relation after another. This is mistaken. It is false, and its codependent, no matter how earnest and willing to try the fix it all you are. I was earnest, too. It never, ever works, and backfires badly, to take on all the effort and responsibility of both partners.
Both of us see things through different lenses, and I need to know how to handle this gingerly without making it worse.
Dont take responsibility for his end of the relationship. Only work on youracceptance, your telling the truth, including to yourself...and listen...and not going low. Dont try to do his moral or relational work. Its condescending to him.
How do I get back to being shiny again?
This is sincere and honest. It breaks my heart. You are shiny. You have never stopped being shiny. Or he wouldnt have been attracted to you, Its he who cant keep what good he was attracted to, because he has an inconsistent mind and not knowing how to be in relation, He fled because he didnt know what to do, which is human but very young, very incompetent,
Do the kind thing, but dont try to do his part. Nobody can do that but him. You're still shiny
That was good, Chevron. Right
Submitted by jennalemone on
That was good, Chevron. Right on.
Thank You
Submitted by ccarpenter on
Thank you Chevron for your support and thoughtful advice. I am truly trying to let go and not pursue. I feel truly helpless in this situation because I literally cannot do anything. It is all on his time. I went to an ADHD support group and learned quite a bit from the perspective of others within the group. The counselor told me that I needed to stand still in order for him to turn around. This has been the most difficult thing for me to do. I found out through social media that he is out of state visiting friends and riding expensive custom made bikes (A hobby he spends a lot of money and time hyper focussing on). It makes me want to crumble into a million pieces that he chooses not to tell me anything or let me in. I am trying to pick up the pieces and fix myself through all the pain. I do feel it is an incompetent and young move to just flee. To put in perspective I am 29 and he is 28. We have talked about the future and what we both want, a future together. This however is not together. The one thing I am trying to do is accept that which I cannot change.
Thank you for reminding me I am still shiny. I just don't feel as shiny enough for him to want to do this with me.