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The comment was a little whiny so I deleted the content. I couldn't figure out how to delete the entire post.
The incident was related to alexythymia (sp?) and issues unrelated to ADHD, but unaddressed as well.
My husband lost is father at 10 and his mother at 18, both due to cancer. His grandmother passed away late last week. His relationship with his grandmother suffered from the out of sight out of mind syndrome. To the best of my knowledge, in the last 15 years, he has seen her one time (12 years ago) and did not call with the usual birthday or holiday greetings. You know, that boring ol' maintain a relationship stuff...
He used his "parents" as an excuse for years. Mind you, he didn't deal with it as in see a professional... simply told me that he "never thought he'd make it this far" or something like that. BTW, his Mom died 3 decades ago. Until he found out about ADHD. Now we have two fabulous rationales to trot out when the going gets tough as in "you know I have a problem"... (that I refuse to do anything about!)
My H is not able to name an emotion but he does suffer from "random" physical ailments. For example, when I'm stressed or anxious, I can feel it in my gut and know it's related to my emotions. Not so for H. It's just a tummyache. He is not able to name an emotion than someone else might be feeling, either, except in general terms such as "low" or "down".
When he heard about his grandmother, I sort of watched him contort his face into what he thought was appropriate. I don't know quite how to explain it, except it ended up looking like the face of a petulant child. It reminded me that I've seen these kinds of facial exercises before - like he was trying to get it right. He told me he was driving from Virginia to Florida. There was no way I could take off work - very new job. H's grandmother did not fit the bereavement requirements. The drive was to occur before our snow-mageddon. He managed to tell me how much he "hated this stuff."
Long-ish story short - he became violently ill an hour before he was supposed to leave and chose not to go. He was fine about two hours later and continued to be just fine. He ate a frozen meal for lunch. I doubt it was food related. I seriously think that he couldn't deal with his emotions and became violently ill as a result. He puked out his emotions.
I've never met his Florida relatives. Ever. I've only met his local brother and sister. I told him to make sure he sent a floral arrangement. Nope. Guess who gets to be the bitch now? He says no one will blame me. I laugh in his face. I forgot to send a card for his sister in law's grandfather's death, a man I had never met. My H didn't tell me it happened so of course I didn't send a card. I have never heard the end of it. Even though they know "how he is", I'm still held accountable for this, nevermind they collectively did not send a card, attend or send flowers when my father passed away.
And just for giggles, I drove my son to the airport today, with H in the passenger seat - only for him to be bumped. I wish I had a video of my H while I was driving. He was about coming out of his skin. I MAY have driven through some rather bumpy and slippery areas.... muahahaha (Midwesterner born and bred... snow schmo ... no big deal) Reminds me of all those times I've been the passenger while he engaged in some truly reckless driving.
Anyway, sigh. So much going on inside that head...it's not just ADHD.
My therapist is fond of saying - the body doesn't lie. Like you, I can usually put a finger on whatever it is... if I am anxious about something I often feel tight in the chest and have a shortness of breath, for example. I can also often tell that my shoulders are usually creeping up around my ears and it takes effort to try to relax and push them back and down. Sometimes I don't know exactly what is bothering me, but I definitely know that *something* is and I can start to sort it out.
My ex, on the other hand, had chronic stomach issues that would wake him up at night half the time. He would never go see a doctor about it. He always blew it off as just a stomachache. After a while I noticed that it didn't seem to matter what or when he ate or didn't or if he drank alcohol or not. There was no reliable physical trigger, like spicy food..or dairy.. or coffee... or whatever.
My ex also insisted on "being an optimist"... but it was in kind of a pathological manner... in that he would just find a way to avoid anything that was emotionally challenging. Probably due to overwhelm. Because of that I tend to think the stomachaches were how the stress over the problems that he would not face was manifesting in his body.
So I totally get what you're saying.
I am sorry about the familial expectations falling to you. Always an added bonus. :-/
Your H responds to things just like mine. So disconnected from relationships and reality and family ties/responsibilities. Very low standards and distorted reality when it comes to his own actions. Even the "contorting his face to 'look' bereaved." I have seen my H do that also. The ONLY time I have seen H cry is in public at his mother's funeral at which time he was in front with his sisters who were audibly crying...then he joined in, audibly, oddly, like "on cue". I can tell when he is acting as if he has an emotion....like he turns it on and off artificially.
H doesn't cry or try to connect...his "go to" action for sadness or defeat is usually revenge - which he seems quite proud of. When I think about it, I am afraid of his inability (unwillingness?) to feel emotions. He removes discomforts with smoking and drinking or revenge. I know this part of him is not ADD but rather is his mode of operation and his habits.
I used to quiet my mind with various emotional tools and coping skills. But now I am just pouring out all the junk so that I can look at it and accept it and be a mature adult about my life and my family. I am looking at past situations and events with a more calm mind and realize I put up with things that were not OK with me going back to when we were fist married and how I kept bandaging up a bad situation right from the start. I have removed my ring and am taking back my heart. It is a long process because I was so buried.
Hi beachgal...
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
Did something happen?
I deleted the comment
Submitted by vabeachgal on
The comment was a little whiny so I deleted the content. I couldn't figure out how to delete the entire post.
The incident was related to alexythymia (sp?) and issues unrelated to ADHD, but unaddressed as well.
My husband lost is father at 10 and his mother at 18, both due to cancer. His grandmother passed away late last week. His relationship with his grandmother suffered from the out of sight out of mind syndrome. To the best of my knowledge, in the last 15 years, he has seen her one time (12 years ago) and did not call with the usual birthday or holiday greetings. You know, that boring ol' maintain a relationship stuff...
He used his "parents" as an excuse for years. Mind you, he didn't deal with it as in see a professional... simply told me that he "never thought he'd make it this far" or something like that. BTW, his Mom died 3 decades ago. Until he found out about ADHD. Now we have two fabulous rationales to trot out when the going gets tough as in "you know I have a problem"... (that I refuse to do anything about!)
My H is not able to name an emotion but he does suffer from "random" physical ailments. For example, when I'm stressed or anxious, I can feel it in my gut and know it's related to my emotions. Not so for H. It's just a tummyache. He is not able to name an emotion than someone else might be feeling, either, except in general terms such as "low" or "down".
When he heard about his grandmother, I sort of watched him contort his face into what he thought was appropriate. I don't know quite how to explain it, except it ended up looking like the face of a petulant child. It reminded me that I've seen these kinds of facial exercises before - like he was trying to get it right. He told me he was driving from Virginia to Florida. There was no way I could take off work - very new job. H's grandmother did not fit the bereavement requirements. The drive was to occur before our snow-mageddon. He managed to tell me how much he "hated this stuff."
Long-ish story short - he became violently ill an hour before he was supposed to leave and chose not to go. He was fine about two hours later and continued to be just fine. He ate a frozen meal for lunch. I doubt it was food related. I seriously think that he couldn't deal with his emotions and became violently ill as a result. He puked out his emotions.
I've never met his Florida relatives. Ever. I've only met his local brother and sister. I told him to make sure he sent a floral arrangement. Nope. Guess who gets to be the bitch now? He says no one will blame me. I laugh in his face. I forgot to send a card for his sister in law's grandfather's death, a man I had never met. My H didn't tell me it happened so of course I didn't send a card. I have never heard the end of it. Even though they know "how he is", I'm still held accountable for this, nevermind they collectively did not send a card, attend or send flowers when my father passed away.
And just for giggles, I drove my son to the airport today, with H in the passenger seat - only for him to be bumped. I wish I had a video of my H while I was driving. He was about coming out of his skin. I MAY have driven through some rather bumpy and slippery areas.... muahahaha (Midwesterner born and bred... snow schmo ... no big deal) Reminds me of all those times I've been the passenger while he engaged in some truly reckless driving.
Anyway, sigh. So much going on inside that head...it's not just ADHD.
Ahh gotcha...
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
My therapist is fond of saying - the body doesn't lie. Like you, I can usually put a finger on whatever it is... if I am anxious about something I often feel tight in the chest and have a shortness of breath, for example. I can also often tell that my shoulders are usually creeping up around my ears and it takes effort to try to relax and push them back and down. Sometimes I don't know exactly what is bothering me, but I definitely know that *something* is and I can start to sort it out.
My ex, on the other hand, had chronic stomach issues that would wake him up at night half the time. He would never go see a doctor about it. He always blew it off as just a stomachache. After a while I noticed that it didn't seem to matter what or when he ate or didn't or if he drank alcohol or not. There was no reliable physical trigger, like spicy food..or dairy.. or coffee... or whatever.
My ex also insisted on "being an optimist"... but it was in kind of a pathological manner... in that he would just find a way to avoid anything that was emotionally challenging. Probably due to overwhelm. Because of that I tend to think the stomachaches were how the stress over the problems that he would not face was manifesting in his body.
So I totally get what you're saying.
I am sorry about the familial expectations falling to you. Always an added bonus. :-/
family ties
Submitted by jennalemone on
Your H responds to things just like mine. So disconnected from relationships and reality and family ties/responsibilities. Very low standards and distorted reality when it comes to his own actions. Even the "contorting his face to 'look' bereaved." I have seen my H do that also. The ONLY time I have seen H cry is in public at his mother's funeral at which time he was in front with his sisters who were audibly crying...then he joined in, audibly, oddly, like "on cue". I can tell when he is acting as if he has an emotion....like he turns it on and off artificially.
H doesn't cry or try to connect...his "go to" action for sadness or defeat is usually revenge - which he seems quite proud of. When I think about it, I am afraid of his inability (unwillingness?) to feel emotions. He removes discomforts with smoking and drinking or revenge. I know this part of him is not ADD but rather is his mode of operation and his habits.
I used to quiet my mind with various emotional tools and coping skills. But now I am just pouring out all the junk so that I can look at it and accept it and be a mature adult about my life and my family. I am looking at past situations and events with a more calm mind and realize I put up with things that were not OK with me going back to when we were fist married and how I kept bandaging up a bad situation right from the start. I have removed my ring and am taking back my heart. It is a long process because I was so buried.