Hi all, I've recently joined as some of the posts I've read seemed to be really helpful.
Im currently partner to someone who was diagnosed ADHD from a very young age. When we had first met I was aware of his ADHD, but it didn't seem a problem, it was exciting fun and we got on so well! As time has gone on it seems to be alot more of a struggle for us/me. I have ADHD in my family too so it didn't bother me much, however I've realised as time has gone on and the more emotionally involved you get it's much more of a struggle.
It is literally like being on a rollercoaster and sometimes it feels as though he is two completely different people. On one hand he is such an amazing, caring person who would do anything for anyone, he treats me better than anyone has. We get on so well it's nothing but laughter! On the other hand he's like a completely different person, I know nothing other than to describe it as a 'meltdown' he will literally cut me out of his life completely,
completely just ignore me, act like i don't exist, like I don't matter - this can happen from anything between and hour to a week. As we got more comfortable/close he started to open up a lot more - he often tells me he can't cope, his brain is going to fast for his body, he doesn't feel we should do this anymore as he's ruined his own life and doesn't want to ruin mine too, things like he wishes someone could shake him . On the outside he doesn't seem to have any issues in his life but that's very different on the inside - the further we've got I understand a lot more and try to support him but unfortunately it seems like that's having an effect on me too. I try to understand and not make his life any more difficult than it is as I know he suffers from anxiety too. On our first holiday we had the most amazing time, it was like a different world - the minute we got back to reality it was like immediate meltdown. After he's had his time away and back with a level head we seem to be on a even path, he often tells me he can't imagine his life without me, over Christmas was amazing and he'll often express to his family ect that I put up with a lot, I'm a good girl ect but it seems when he has these episodes that means nothing.
My friends have noticed a change with me and hate to see me upset, they don't understand ADHD and I get it, I get they don't want to see me upset. Unfortunately your friends are your 'go to' when things get a little rough, but as they don't understand they don't understand why I stick with it so it's hard to talk to, or when things get better they don't understand why I do what I do. I can't put into words all the bumps we've hit as we'd be here forever.
Recently it has been more difficult as I knew he wasn't feeling great we'd still see each other, but he was a lot more snappy, treated me as though I meant nothing which I was struggling with, part of me though it would probably be better if he actually cut me out for a couple of days because it seemed worse being around someone you felt didn't want to be around you. When I did see him next he kept pointing out I was quiet. I had to try and act normal but I just couldn't I was quiet, out for dinner trying to be 'me' but had so much on my mind, so much I wanted to say, but didn't as I didn't know how he would take it, after dinner when his sister left I brought it up, first he got on the defence but seemed to calm down a little and listen. The next day (yesterday) he contacted and actually apologised and said he just needed some space, he's going through a rough time and it isn't anything to do with me (isn't unusual) I'm absolutely fine with this - whatever he needs to get his head straight I'm fine with.
The hardest part is wanting things to change, deal with things better but not knowing if they will.
Hi Lozzy
Submitted by c ur self on
I don't want to give you any bad advice...But, let me just say this....The actual effects of adhd can and does make many who have it unfit ( as in unfit to tolerate others who just want normal communications) to be around at times...I would believe him when he tells you it's not about you....But you should also realize (like I and many here have to, if we don't want conflict between us) this may never change...Those times where he struggles to manage his life and behaviors...(Those you listed) will always be there....There is therapy, medications, and spiritual help for those who will seek it...(So many live in denial and want seek it) But you and I pointing it out when they don't want to here it, will always just produce conflict and more unhealthy dialog and hurt feelings...
Think hard if you want this for yourself....
Many nice guy's and gals w/ adhd at the level you are projecting here can have very normal lives, alone....Also married, If (Big IF) they never blame their spouse, or live in denial of their behaviors...All behaviors must be owned, and there must be a heart of care, that causes the person to work on their reality...When a person's reality makes for times where they are unfit for social interaction, then someone will always suffer....And it's 10 times worse if its a spouse! ...(You can't get away from it) This goes for all of us!...So blessings and just make wise decisions going forward....
C
Hi, thank you for your
Submitted by lozzy on
Hi, thank you for your response. Yeah it is very difficult because I too don't like conflict, it's just very hard to go back to normality when he's feeling ok, because sometimes you feel as though you let it slide under the carpet in the hope things change next time although you know you need to talk about it, otherwise it will never change. He will talk, but when he's ready to talk. It's a very hard decision to make because he can be so lovely! I'm sure il figure it out - I really appreciate your response :)
That's the problem so often...Talking about it isn't possible...
Submitted by c ur self on
(you know you need to talk about it, otherwise it will never change.)
So many spouses here have been trying this for years...But, you can't force communication or accountability...So many just refuse to face their reality....I think the reason Stone Walling ,fight or flight, blame and denial is so prevalent, is because many have no hope that they could do better. (be any different)....So they just refuse to go there....I guess they are thinking they are hopeless to be able to change, if that's the case, I'm sure it's very painful to calmly confront themselves...So all that's left is my list above....that and abandonment....
C
FYI
Submitted by phatmama on
I just had to respond to your comment "I don't like conflict". That is your gut and your soul trying to get your attention--ignore it at your own peril. I am 23 years into a relationship of daily, constant conflict as we both have ADD/ADHD and it is so, so hard. If things are already challenging for you, please heed my warning that the pressures of marriage and children will intensify that conflict tenfold if not more. My husband had the same ADHD/anxiety combination you describe in your partner and it is has made our home life more difficult than I can ever describe. I strongly encourage you to ask whether you want to be in my shoes telling someone else 20 years from now how hard your life has been because of the partnership to which you made a lifetime commitment. A lifetime is a long time and if you have not already said "till death do us part", please think very hard about whether doing so would be in your best interest.
A real roller coaster
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Hi - it seems as if he loves being with you, but is also terrified of being with you (because of the responsibility???), and when he's overwhelmed pushes you away as both a protective device for himself and you. For him, because if he pushes you away it's one less thing to overwhelm him (feeling bad about hurting you probably feels overwhelming to him) and he may not believe he deserves you. Sounds as if he has pretty low self-esteem on the personal relationship front.
Two suggestions here - he needs some therapy with someone who understands ADHD and self esteem issues so that he can start to address his feelings about himself and about when he is overwhelmed (he may also need some coaching to figure out how to have a life that feels less oeverwhelming). Sceond.... This is truly his issue and you cannot take on his emotional pain here and survive - you can't 'save' him - he can only save himself. BUT that means that if he can't manage to save himself, this may or may not end up being a healthy relationship for you. It could be healthy if, when he got overwhelmed (hopefully only a few times over long time spans) he could take care of himself WITHOUT hurting you - i.e. "I am starting to feel overwhelmed and need a week off" without lashing out to try to push you away or hurt you. "I adore you and will be back to you soon." You can't fix this for him -he has to do it himself.
I have been on the receiving end of 'snappy' and it sucks. Don't let yourself get pulled into that long term. You deserve to be treated with respect, regardless of his issues.
On a related but different topic. You are at the beginning of your lives together. If he's overwhelmed now, you may have to think seriously about whether or not you can have a family together. Adding kids puts a ton of pressure on couples.
Finally, I don't know about the quality of his diagnosis. But since it was a long time ago, it may make sense to get a new evaluation. It's possible that there is some bi-polar here - the cyclical nature of what you describe may hint at that.