My husband has ADD, I do not. With treatment and using reminders, the day-to-day has gotten significantly better. However, the long-term responsibilities are totally beyond him. After doing the couple's seminar last year, I have made the conscious decision to take a step back and allow him to do what he says he is going to do. This has mostly failed miserably and is making me feel completely helpless and hopeless.
The latest example is our car. We bought a new car almost exactly a year ago. He did not want to trade in the old car because he knew we could get more by selling it ourselves. I said if we didn't trade it in, that meant he was 100% in charge of getting the car ready to sell and selling it. He agreed and said he would clean it out and get it on the used car lot for private sales near his work. Within weeks nothing happened, except the check engine light came on. He brought it in and found out what was wrong. He didn't want to pay the $200 in labor, so said he was going to see if his friend could help him fix it. About 6 months later, he finally asked his friend and they fixed it one weekend. He was so proud of himself for fixing it and saving the $200. During this time we had to pay the registration, smog check, etc. Could have avoided paying that if it wasn't our car. The car sat again for a couple more months and the battery died. Then we got a recall notice. Took him a couple months to call the dealership to get the recall scheduled. He then paid $200 to get it detailed to sit on the used car lot. While driving it there, check engine light came on. This time it was the transmission that was shot and it is going to cost more than the car is worth. So we have to total it. If we would have traded it in a year ago, we would have gotten $2000 for it. Instead he has wasted a couple thousand trying to fix it up, clean it, buy a new battery, etc, over the last year just to have it totaled.
I literally don't know what to do anymore. He has wasted so much money on stupid things like this, finances are so tight to begin with. If I step in, I'm the bitch. If I let him do whatever, we go into debt. I'm at such a loss.
Yup, workin' on it! Stop nagging
Submitted by jennalemone on
We have a truck that takes up half our (at one time long ago) very nice garage. H said it would save lots because he could "haul stuff" in it. something is broke and when I ask, yearly, how is the truck coming, he yells, "I'm WORKING' on it! Jeez!" angrily like I should not bring it up...like I am being impatient and not nice for asking. The truck has not move out of our garage for nearly 20 years. It is a depository for junk and cardboard while his car sits outside in the freezing cold. He has spent much more than the truck is worth on trying to fix it plus $2000 on a total professional paint job. I totally understand how you feel. It seems to be up to us to condition ourselves to accept and "not look at it" or leave.
I used to spend my energy and time (decades) in verbal fisticuffs with H about things like this. That was when I had my dignity and hope in the marriage. Verbal sparring does no good at all. Sorry this is not more positive but I feel a need to share myself. I don't see myself as the kind of person who has trashed a lovely garage and piled it high with refuse, but there you go....that is what our garage is like now. And to me it feels like H treats me and our relationship just like the garage. No regard for the well being and upkeep or care, just trashed on.
Story of my life. Details
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Story of my life. Details eerily similar.
I finally had someone come haul away an old boat. It's been in our backyard for 15 years. Literally. Somehow, he has been angry with me about this. He NEVER titled and registered the boat, which predates our relationship. Huh???? Let me must say that without title and registration, it took an act of Congress for me to get this thing out of our yard... but he meant to take care of it... ever.damn.year.
Yes, I do not see myself as this person either. Or as the person whose husband trolls dating sites. Sigh.
Same, even down to "saving" money that didn't really save us anything over the long haul.
Moondust, Jenna, and BVG...
Submitted by c ur self on
It's the same here...(her boat hasn't been moved in years) All I can say is you are hero's...I agree the verbal sparing is useless, and causes us to just be part of the problem...There are just many things we will deal with if we stay in our marriages...But w/ boundaries, and walking away w/ out verbally engaging and getting my self all worked up...I'm doing much better....
I just sent her a kind text about the three things she did over the past 24 hours that was disrespectful...And I asked her to please not do these things again....I think I will handle it this way from now own...Because verbal communication isn't possible....All she does in blame and justify....Also she is so forgetful, this will bring her behaviors from that particular day back to her mind before she forgets it...I'm not really looking for an apology...All though neither of us can allow our pride to over ride humility or there is no hope for us....
C
Thanks for the comments
Submitted by Moondust on
On one hand, it's nice knowing I'm not alone in this. On the other hand, this just sucks. It suck for all of us!
I feel myself disappearing. I can't stand up for myself. I'm not allowed to be upset because he can't help that he has ADD. So apparently I should just live my life seperate from him and pretend that losing thousands doesn't affect me... but why be married then? It makes no sense.
When things are good, they're really good. When they're bad, they're really bad. I'm exhausted from this rollercoaster! And the waste of money is exacerbating! But don't worry, the tax cuts have been deducted from his paycheck so we have at least $100 extra a month due to that. (???) Yup, that's his reasoning now for not needing to overreact to money issues.
I just want to scream!
Moondust,
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Moondust,
I have also been the recipient of "magical" (Rob Peter to pay Paul) kind of financial logic. It's maddening. On one hand, I guess I "know" that his ADHD brain can't tackle logical, linear thinking. On the other hand, this is a grown man we are talking about - a grown man with responsibilities.
I've tossed around a lot of these thoughts in the last year. I've also been expected to "just deal with it because" and watch him become unable to keep a simple prescription filled. The financial waste has been HUGE. Currently, my H's minimum debt payments for consumer debt, not including a car payment, is almost as much as our mortgage payment. He doesn't think it's a big deal. It'll be okay later, it just will. Melissa posted a blog about misplaced optimism. It's a good read. It's not so bad. It'll all be okay, just wait and see.
Yes, detachment and boundaries. A degree of separation. Then why be married at all? In my case, the conclusion was that we were leaving parallel lives and that his life was hurting mine and not vice versa.
We had a big (for our area) snowfall recently. I watched him get up and check on another person (a grown man) and help a co worker out of a parking lot. I cleaned off my vehicle. I shoveled our driveway. I made sure out house was stocked with food.
As C recently posted, where you spend your priorities is what's important to you. I spend time with work, friends and my children. I'm trying to spend a little time becoming healthier LOL. I spend time in those areas because they are my priorities and my actions reflect that. My H may SAY that we are his priority but his actions don't reflect it. Behaving in a responsible financial way is not a priority.
His debt is now equal to more than his annual gross base salary. Aside from a very small percentage, I don't know where it came from. I know that it DID NOT come from treating me like a queen, gifting me or taking me out on the town, etc. I'm not even sure he was actively cheating. I think he couldn't maintain a budget and overspent every month and put it all on credit. I'm not sure which scenario is the most pitiful. Maybe it was a combination of both.
I know he's been bellyaching to his friends about how I won't "help" him. I had no say in the accumulation of the debt. In fact, it was a complete shock to me. A devastating blow and betrayal. I do know that when I told him I expected honesty and transparency, he continued to lie and hide. I do know that he sidestepped or avoided any effort to join finances or work together on this. Could not meet with me once a week. Could not devise a plan. Could not provide documentation to me. I also know that he rabidly insisted over the years to maintain separate finances so that no woman could take advantage of him. So, you see, it's not always ADHD. It's sometimes ADHD and some deeply held attitudes and beliefs.
That's just the debt. At one point, I calculated he was overpaying for basic expenses by $800 a month. By that I mean, he failed to re-quote insurance policies, had a separate car insurance policy rather than be added to mine for a pittance,his own separate cell plan, extreme cable, huge fast food obsession, bogus recurring charges for things he didn't need/want/use, etc.
It's not small change. At one point, I calculated the overpayments at $1500 a month. We are not wealthy. That's a pretty good monthly sum of money to us. The debt payments and failure to manage money represented a huge loss of LIVING. What could we do with that extra money? Quite a bit. Maybe we could have seen a movie more than once every 2 years... but you know, here's what he has said: That's the way I am, you can't expect me to change and it's not that bad. It'll get better, you'll see.
I'm not supposed to be upset about any of this stuff.
The point is, he wanted separate, so he got separate. The reality of the situation is that I would have to put every spare dime of discretionary income to the bills, AND get summer and extra employment, and it would STILL take a couple of years to pay all of it off. He doesn't get it.
Moondust...
Submitted by c ur self on
You know moondust, you have a life...Just because we love our spouses doesn't mean we must agree with them on any subject pertaining to life....You absolutely have the right for boundaries....I love my wife, but, I learned my lesson early on about trying to share in things with her that I shared in with my first wife....We do not share finances and we do our income taxes separately....We have other boundaries also...Never allow yourself to be put upon when you know better. I agree to suffer and do nothing while my spouse destroy's me financially wasn't one of wedding vows, don't know about you?
None of us humans have the market cornered on wise decisions....BUT, we definitely have the right to make them!
C
Pinochio
Submitted by jennalemone on
Ive been lied to and have lied to my self. I am now trying to sort out truths of myself, our relationship, our life. I want to live with integrity with my self. Trying so hard to be a "couple" with someone who is outwardly gregarious and generous but inside the family... immature and crude makes me unhappy and complicit in living an untruthful, unreal life myself. I am trying to find the voice of my soul that I can live with where I stop being immature myself with victim thinking and inaction. I don't know what is stopping me from doing something different than I have been doing for 40 years, but I feel I must fight through my own disabling, reticent niceness. It is conditioning from so many situations in my life. but I must turn a corner and become a REAL GIRL.
I must do this for my children and grandchildren. We go through motions without purpose or passion here and it is killing our spirits and trust. I am trying to make changes so that my granddaughters have a chance to find love and trust and quality partnership in their lives. So they can live REAL lives of integrity.
And, the same.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
I too got the angry, bitter "I'M WORKING ON IT" response hurled at me any time I asked about anything..even after months of saying nothing and trying to let him handle things. Other responses included "YOU'RE TOO IMPATIENT" (Really? Cause it's been *years* and you haven't done what you said you would do.. how patient do you expect me to be?) ... and "It's MY stuff." He would not accept my help with anything, yet he was not doing the work himself and, in his mind, I wasn't supposed to take issue with any of it either. His response to my frustrations or pain was usually "well that's yours to manage". It was a recipe for failure.
Similar to beachgal's description, my ex also had that misplaced optimism bug. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he did not actively save for retirement or even for a rainy day, and then he lost his job in an area that is very age biased when it comes to hiring. I saw the job loss coming but he refused to start looking for a new job before it was too late. His response was... "It's no big deal. It'll be fine." Instead he insisted upon riding it out until the company failed and he was out on his ass. That was very bad idea. He is in his mid-fifties with no college degree and that was ok 25 years ago but now he's competing with people who are fresh out of top universities. That makes it extremely difficult to find someone willing to even talk to him. Plus much of his network of friends are starting to retire so he can no longer really rely on them for word of mouth. Something that is also imperative where I live.
I found out about the lack of savings (and the huge debt, bad credit, tax problems and collectors calling) about halfway through our relationship and I flipped out. When I told him he was in big trouble and that he needed to get his divorce taken care of so that he could put what little money he *did* have into a more aggressive investment plan RIGHT EFFING NOW...and that I would help him sort through everything if he wanted... he waved his hand at me and told me.. wait for it... "It's no big deal. It'll be fine." Meanwhile he would spend money on flights of fancy like he was Rockefeller... or waste it on recurring charges that he would forget about, like a storage unit or a domain name that he never used. He too had many things he was going to fix up, (dead cars, electronics and motorcycles) or things he wouldn't get rid of because they "might be worth money" someday.
Well, as you might imagine...it wasn't fine then and it is even more not fine now. I still keep in touch with his kids and he is now in the middle of the very deep shit that I tried so hard to warn him about. Scrambling for money. Unable to invest what little he did have because his wife wants her half. Steep fines from a legal issue. At this point I will not be surprised if they either foreclose on his house or he is forced to sell it. Bankruptcy would not surprise me either. I do not mean to sound cold. I actually think about him a lot and wonder what is it going to take for him to wake up. It's unbelievably sad. But I was never able to get through to him.
Moondust, I am so sorry that I can't offer you a solution. I wish I could. I just don't know that there is any way to reliably affect any change with someone who is either unable to see outside of themselves or just downright resistant. I couldn't do it. So many people in these forums haven't been able to do it. Somehow the partners have to see it for themselves. And not just see it but accept it. Own it. Actively work hard to change it. If you're not already in therapy that would be my only suggestion. Maybe an external party would help break that wall.
(hug)
Oh honey I understand. If
Submitted by dvance on
Oh honey I understand. If you look up my previous posts you will see the litany of wasted money, mis-spent money, accounts overdrawn. Right now I manage all of our money or we wouldn't have any. He just got fired from his third job--it turns out every three years is the extent of his job attention span. It's never his fault, the idiots at the company don't know what they're doing/they're going to regret it/he's the only one who knows what's going on in the company, they'll be lost without him/etc. The most recent money thing is he supposedly worked a deal with Sprint on our cell phones to lower the bill about $150 from what is currently is. Hasn't happened. I asked twice and he says he will call, but I am done asking, just going to pay the bill. When he got fired in December, he had 4 credit cards for work (all in his name-doesn't make any sense) and he told me he cut them all up. A week later he says we can put something on one of the cards...that he said he cut up. He didn't, but was angry at me for pointing out what he said earlier. We can't win. If we let them do whatever they want, we will live in a dump and be in financial ruin. If we try to manage things we are controlling and not being understanding of the way they are. Really--quit trying. Do whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. Don't bother telling them about it--they won't remember anyway.
I Can Identify.......
Submitted by arabianhorselover on
I can identify with so much in this thread, unfortunately. I sure with I couldn't, but I experience so much of this same stuff with my husband. Mine is not irresponsible with money; in fact he's too frugal. However, if he wants something he buys it whether I like it or not. He always has a good reason as to why it's a good idea.
For me it is mostly the mess and the unfinished projects that I am SO tired of. Everywhere I look in my house is an unfinished project. And he can never understand why I don't get excited when he gets an idea. His stuff has taken over most of the house, several outbuildings, and most of 10 acres at this point with no end in sight. But I am not being understanding, and am putting too much pressure n him if I mention it. And if I move anything of his, oh boy!